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Blue

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About Blue

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    Photography and fantasizing about leaving the fucking house
  • More About Me
    My father is a preacher, a chaplain in the military specifically. I have had my parents beliefs forced on me my entire life, I am still forced to participate and act as though I am a devout Christian. Recently, my sister came home from college and I was starting to realize that I didn’t believe in such things anymore. She had a change of beliefs and helped me accept that I did too. I am now trying to survive in this household for two more years, while keeping a secret that I am an aromatic/asexual non-binary person.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Fuck no

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  1. Things got a little complicated for me in my headspace, which was the cause of the start of the break that I took. Then things got even worse in daily life for me causing even more psychological pain and I just didn't have the energy to come on here, even though part of me wanted to seek the support of this site. After a lot of shit and fuckery, things have calmed a bit. I am doing a bit better, though things now are quite precarious for me. I had been thinking recently about this site and my absence from it. It makes me surprised and happy that there are people here that not only noticed our absence, but also cared about us through it. I will do an update of recent events and where I currently am in life very soon. (Cause I need to rant about this shit to people that haven't been experiencing it, healthy for the mind you know?) Dreamer went back to college September fifth, moved into her apartment, and took a short vacation with her boyfriend over the weekend. I am very happy for her and I am sure she is doing much better now that she is back home. We talk often and this is one of the ways she continues to support me while I am stuck here. It also makes me happy to hear that things are going good for her and that she is happy. Happiness has been a rare treasure for both of us recently, so that is why it means so much to me to hear about her being able to be happy.
  2. Your post is very encouraging to me and I am also very happy for you recovering.
  3. I love these sites! Thank you very much for showing them to me! And thank you for the suggestions for getting when getting out of the situation. I didn’t know those were options and will research them more.
  4. I really do appreciate your support and thoughts on mine and my sister’s posts. That truly is what we have needed, kind and polite suggestions. To receive support is an added bonus. Which I also appreciate you giving on our comments on my sister’s post. It is quite a mess and I don’t like to get into such things. Ever. I try to be kind, but share my thoughts as I wish others would. When we received responses like we did, it does mess with us quite a lot. So really, thank you. I hope my sister and I will help our mental health and get out of our abusive situation very soon. Many thanks to everyone who has responded with suggestions and support thus far.
  5. I really appreciate your posts, but I don’t know if informing his superiors is the way to go for us. Being that his superiors are all bible thumping Christian assholes like him, just with higher ranks. To your last note- I’m not sure that would be possible either. I have to choke down panic attacks at every church function as it is. And any conversation on such topics with him is quite exhausting being that he is ‘never wrong’ and never changes, but loves to victim blame and say we need to change. I’ve been thinking that I need to just focus on getting mental help do about a month (certain things are coming up), then get out of the situation and start a new life. It is drastic, but it is the only thing that has brought me a bit of peace of mind. I need to leave and so does my sister. I figure a lot people make their way through college and life (maybe with a lot of debt, but hey!) all the time, so I can surely figure it out. Thank you so much for all of your support, care, and suggestions.
  6. I understand you want respond to this, but may you at least read. And try to understand. It is an understandable human urge to want to defend your words and actions, not wanting to change or admit wrongs. I will not get into that of your posts. But you calling out someone who has suffered abuse and telling them they are acting just their abuser is disgusting. It can send the victim spiraling, cause a panic attack or worsen depression. I suggest you not say such things to someone again. That is all.
  7. This is my story and it is going to be quite long, but it has taken awhile for me to get to this point. Putting my story out for other people to read scares me in a way because it makes what I have been disconnecting myself from for so long more real. But I am hoping that by posting my story here I might receive support, encouragement, or suggestions of ways to try to mentally help myself. My father is a Chaplain in the military, basically a pastor masquerading in a military uniform. My mother's only purpose in life is to marry a Christian man so she may let him rule over her life and bear his children. My older sister (and only sibling) is on this site, too. Her testimony is titled 'Born to Be Controlled'. I have never really fit the mold of perfect Christian, much less a preacher's kid. I have never liked any of the beliefs or practices that came with Christianity, specifically my parents are Baptist. None of it has ever felt right or real, but I 'believed' because I was told it was the only truth and that if I didn't I would go to hell. Somehow, 'sinful' things would come to my knowledge before they could tell me what Christians believe about it and I would make up my own opinion. I always had to be corrected to the Christian view. So many times that has happened, that I remember just starting to always ask in conversations 'what do we as Christians believe about that?'. I am headed into my third year of high school, started homeschooling in seventh grade. Ever since sixth grade I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, and being suicidal. I kept all of this a secret from my family until just before summer break, my parents have always believed (and still do) that mental illnesses are not a thing. What I have been taught is that if they are, you can either pray it away or get closer to god and read the bible because he provides joy. My sister came back to where we currently live, Hawaii a damn near perfect prison, from college for the summer break. (To know more about what her experiences have been recently, I suggest you check out her testimony too.) When she came home, I was already starting to stray from typical beliefs and thoughts. I was also struggling with wanting to embrace my aromanticism/asexuality and fearing using such words. My sister encouraged me to accept not only my sexuality (or lack thereof) , but also accepting that I didn't want to be Christian and realizing that I never really wanted to be. I feel as though each day, I realize more horrible things about my life here. We like to now say Hellish Rant in place of 'good talk' because of it being a specific triggering phrase our parents always use when referring to manipulating us in multiple ways (emotionally and mentally mainly) and making us feel like shit for five hours. A lot of what I have realized is in part attributed to many Hellish Rants my sister and I have had recently. From her being at college and in a good and healthy relationship, she has experienced what is good/right to then come here and realize that so much of our life and the way we are treated is very wrong and abusive. 'Depersonalization', that is my current way of surviving. Also, dissociating from so much of my life and becoming emotionally removed apart from occasional anger. With that in mind, when my sister would be talking about something that our father did, be pointing out how wrong those actions were, I would start to realize how the same things had been happening to me too. Same goes for pointing out emotionally/mentally abusive and manipulative thing both our parents say to us. The worst of the recent realizations being that our father sexually abuses us through his touches 'that he isn't doing' and our mom doesn't care about. At a young age I developed a slight touch aversion due to physical bullying at schools. Only occasionally would something trigger me and I couldn't stand to be too close, much less touched, by my family. My parents would get offended and force me to allow them to touch me (even simply somewhere appropriate was too much). Guilt trips and crying would usually ensue. They made my touch aversion worse. Even now this still happens and they both say 'I made you so I get to touch you'. I have also had a severe back injury almost two years ago, which was not taken seriously (still barely is), and I am still in severe pain every day from. The injury was falling from a tall ladder and landing on a tree stump, which hit right next to and partially on my spine. Because of this, my entire back, shoulders, and neck are almost always in pain and I most certainly never want to be touched there. I also feel quite vulnerable with those areas because of it. My father loves to slap a hand roughly on my shoulder and squeeze (always the one that has more pain) and gets offended when I yell because of the immense and sudden pain he just caused. He also loves to place a full hand on my back, which has been gradually moving lower in recent times. Most recently, I was standing in our kitchen waiting on popcorn in the microwave. My parents had already ate, but neither one of my sister or I had because of the tendency to skip meals. Being that it was late evening and I hadn't ate anything, I was quite hungry and grabbed a small snack out of the pantry to eat while waiting on the popcorn. While I was in the pantry, my dad had come into the kitchen for no apparent reason really. I was eating my oatmeal pie and my father stands slightly facing me and places his hand on my lower back, right where my injury happened and I could almost feel his fingers on my butt too. He stood there staring at me, saying nothing, with his hand on me for what felt like an eternity. To the point where I thought I might puke, I stood there saying nothing as well, too frozen to do anything. Finally I tried to move away, but his hand stayed. I made an inhuman turn, dodge, and faced the other way and I still felt his hand until I nearly fell off to the side did his hand leave my lower back. I immediately felt disgusted, he then decided to seem funny or some shit by eating a ton of rice that had been sitting out could for a half hour. I threw away the oatmeal pie and spit out what was in my mouth, I can't eat the damn things now. I still had to wait for my popcorn, standing next to him as he smacked on the rice making me feel even more disgusted. My sister had to explain to me (when I told her what had happened) that it wasn't just my injury that makes that wrong, you just don't touch your child like that. My father also likes to touch my sister and mine's butts. He likes to act as though he isn't touching anything or like what he is doing isn't wrong. Just last night, we had company over (two other Chaplain families) and I stood next to a counter in the kitchen. My dad passed by me (with plenty of space to walk farther away and also keep his damn hands to himself) he did walk a little far away thankfully, but he reached out and put his hand to my butt, kept it there for a second and let it brush along my butt until he was out of reach. One of the few things keeping me going is the current knowledge of an outside world where I can make my own choices, embrace my sexuality, and embrace being non-binary. The other thing being my ache for vengeance for two lives and childhoods wrecked by them. The only relationship I care to have with my parents is the one that gets me graduated from high school and college, so essentially an easy money bank. In my beliefs now is this: if undeniable proof of some religion's form of god showed up in front of me or even god himself, I would still believe in not believing in any religion or god, I would say to the proof or god himself to 'shove it' and I would move on with my life. The pain caused by Christianity, emotional, mental, and physical trauma from my parents runs deep. So I kindly ask that people of faith, Christians specifically, be careful what they comment on th is thread and to not try to evangelize me or put me back into faith. I truly do welcome any polite suggestions of ways to self-help my issues with mental health.
  8. I don’t understand why you ‘authentic Christian believers’ think that you should come to a site called ‘Ex-Christians’. Here on Ex-Christians, most of us have decided we want an escape from Christian Sermons because we are Ex-Christians. Or we are questioning these beliefs and have come here to get opinions that are from people who understand what it is like to be blindly shoved into belief in someone else’s faith and would never want to put that on someone else. On Ex-Christians we care for and support the experiences and journeys of other Ex-Christians or in questioning people and we do not force our current beliefs or ideals on them. We read these testimonies that others have built up the courage to share so that we may in turn understand those people, care for, support, and kindly offer suggestions if it seems to be welcomed. From your post, you do not seem to care for the content of the OP’s story and only wish to force the OP back into Christianity and the Church. Hopefully my reply may enlighten you in the ways of this site called Ex-Christians that it is not a place for Evangelical Conquests. *Welcome @Blue and thank you for your spot-on comment!
  9. I am Dreamer’s sibling, and feel the exact same way. I have the same questions too. Side note: I am quite new to this site and can’t figure out how to react to posts. Can anyone help me figure it out?
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