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Kdeaustin

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Everything posted by Kdeaustin

  1. I wanted to check in with everyone. It’s been a while since I’ve been on here and interacted. I know it sounds weird, but since I was in such a dark place when I first visited here, it’s kind of triggering to come back to this website right now. For some reason it makes me anxious. But I wanted to let you all know I am doing better. You all gave me the hope and encouragement I needed to even start questioning everything. So I just wanted to say thanks!!! I am doing better but still struggling. I think that’s expected. It will definitely be a process I see. But I hope to feel okay enough in the near future to come back and interact with you all more!!!!
  2. Also another thing that I have been struggling with about all these people who have died and went to "hell." Which has made me stop and say what if....Well if the Bible is true, no one is in hell right now. Everyone is asleep until judgement day. Satan and his demons are apparently on the earth. But no souls are being tormented in hell right now because according to the scripture, no one will rise until judgement day, so that means no one is in heaven right now too. I would think. Just based on scripture. (Again saying if the Bible is true)
  3. Yeah a rational mind can think that way, but alas, my mind is not rational right now. Another thing I don't understand... people argue that if we sin against God, it is an infinite sin against an infinite God so we must pay the penalty for that. However, those who are "washed in the blood" continue to sin their entire lives. I mean no one can go an entire day and not "sin." So how are their "sins" really being atoned for. I know the answer is Jesus covers their sins. But then they get a free pass. Where as they still sinned... against an infinite God... Also Jesus just died. He didn't go to hell for eternity which makes me think the literal punishment for sin is death. Right?
  4. That makes sense to me! If God is real, why couldn't he just let us love him freely. Get to know him first. Show himself to us. Give us a hug and say "i'm so happy I created you", without the fear of hell. I mean I still can't get the whole scare you into a relationship. To me its like if I would have forced my husband to marry me by gunpoint. He wouldn't have really wanted to marry me or be with me, he would've felt forced. But if God would just let us know Him first. I'm sure everyone would fall in love with him, if he is all love. And people say look at the trees they are so beautiful and the universe is beautiful and amazing so we know how God is. But if a human makes something beautiful but treats me really bad, it just says thet they are creative but don't really care about me. I don't understand a lot of things about God if he is real, and his ways seem harsh to me. But at the end of the day I truly feel like if he is real he does not care about me. I know it says if you are not for God you are his enemy. I never woke up and said "i wanna be God's enemy" I just didn't want to go to hell. I even prayed to God and prayed that I would get closer to Him. I Just didn't know how. And I guess people can say that I put other things before God like netflix and silly things. But why does the relationship all depend on us. Doesn't the relationship depend on God too? I mean it kinda feels like when I was a little girl and my dad wouldn't ever call me and he would simply say "the phone works both ways." That didn't make me want to call him. That just hurt me. I feel like its the same with God. The more silent, the less I want to talk. And in the same scenario, I always knew it was wrong that my dad was my dad and didn't reach out to me but expected me to reach out to him. He was the adult. And if God is real, he is so much bigger than us and so much more powerful and apparently so much more loving. I don't see how its not his responsibility to reach out? He reached out to those in the Bible, directly. I just don't understand. I want to tell myself because He's not real. but I am so afraid he is.
  5. Where does he mention it at?? I haven't found it! Which is bringing me peace. Really the whole movement of Christianity was taught by Paul. And the only first hand accounts of anything we have (even though some were not in fact written by him and are just copies, but nonetheless). Paul teaches that he has shared all of "God's counsel." I don't see where he once warned of hell. He just talked about how the penalty of sin was death, but did not mention hell.. to my knowledge, which I could be wrong. But I don't see where he mentions eternal hell. I actually don't see eternal hell anywhere in the Bible with my rational mind, but my anxiety fear filled mind, says oh but its there.
  6. It’s crazy because I always just assumed growing up that people thought it was as weird as I did... but alas, people genuinely feel thankful. I never felt that. Also when people would say “Hallelujah He is risen.” I legitimately never understood. Like not being rude or mean. I literally did not understand because I would say... well are you surprised? He’s God? Like I never understood the beating death thing. I’m like... of course He beat death... hes God. He invented death. I DONT GET IT. I don’t get how people see things any differently. I don’t get it. Honestly the whole situation to me is like me kidnapping someone and then killing my child so they can go free. I don’t understand. I legitimately don’t. But I’m so fearful that that verse about the perishing not understanding applying to me.
  7. I may have already asked this but I was just wondering like what was the final straw that broke the camels back with you all losing your faith? Like if you had to pick one core piece of evidence? I keep trying to rationalize with my self. But I’m so conditioned to think of bible verses like Gods ways are higher than our ways or like I’m storing up wrath or those that are perishing the gospel is foolish to them. I have watched videos on hell. And I feel like if Christianity is true then hell is either annihilation or universalism. But eternal torment has also been heavily advocated for... even in the early church. The verbiage is scary in the Bible. And people say hell is not consistent with a loving God, but is it not consistent with the God in the Old Testament? Idk.. it seems the God in the Old Testament punished people “here and now” kinda thing. Like “you’re not obeying me, I’m going to bring a drought” honestly I would prefer that. Idk. I just feel like I’m trapped and can’t get out. it just is so frustrating to me because Christianity has never made sense to me like it did other people. I never understood the tree in the garden of Eden I never understood God making hell and then saving us from it. I never understood that. I never understood God making us deserving of a place like that. People say on judgement day (providing it’s real of course) we are going to feel the weight of our sin and know we have sinned against God... why doesn’t he just make us feel that now? So everyone can come to a saving faith if he is real? Sorry to keep posting about all this I’m just so lost I honestly wish my baby was here already to get my mind off of it. But then again I wish I wasn’t pregnant because I don’t want my child to ever have to face these questions and I don’t want to be responsible for leading them astray from the right thing and if there is a heaven I want them to go there no matter what. I wished for a miscarriage in the beginning of all this. It’s selfish I want this baby while going through all this
  8. I want to reply to everyone. But I don’t know how.... do I have to quote everyone or is there a way to simply reply to a post??? Also, I contacted Aaron Ra lol, and he said he would be happy to video chat with me and discuss some of my hang ups which I thought was really cool. I also chatted with the couple who runs the voices of deconversion podcast and they were really nice and super helpful!!! I video chatted them and it was helpful to get out everything I was feeling to people who had walked the walk. These are the thoughts that I am kinda at now: it says Jesus paid the price for sin. Jesus died. Jesus wasn’t in hell. He died. So it seems the price of sin is death. Permanent death. Which I still don’t understand how he paid that price. But I guess him raising from the dead was him beating death. But then.... other people rose from the dead supposedly in the Bible....... I would think paying the price would mean fully paying the price. I don’t understand how that was accomplished without enduring the price of death permanently, whether eternal hell or permanent death. If you murdered someone and I took the punishment for you, whatever that may be.. death or jail time. In order to “take your place” I have to take the full punishment for you. So I don’t quite understand... I’ve also been thinking, if you read the verse about blasphemy of the Holy Spirit it’s extremely vague. There’s many commentaries about it, but those are mere speculation. I would think an intelligent being could look into the future to see how such a vague passage would cause many distress & would want to explain it further for clarity ( I think the same thing about salvation since it seems to be such a misunderstood doctrine). However, a human would not be able to fully understand the ramifications of such vague information for years to come. They were merely writing what they witnessed or what made sense to them. Many important doctrines are vague in the Bible. Does it make more sense that the ambiguity is the product of humans or an intelligent being who wants all to be with him? Seems if it was the latter there would be no room for scrutiny and confusion. And one can’t say it’s merely the devil causing confusion because it’s the Holy scripture that is confusing. And no one group of Christians have been able to agree on important doctrines since the beginning of Christianity. To me, more and more, seems like the product of man and less and less the inspiration of a deity. BUT on the other hand the verse that talks about things being folly to the unbeliever scares me.... Because “Christians” just seem to “get it”
  9. Yeah I’m hoping I like this secular counselor I’ve contacted. It’s hard because my husband isn’t really an intellectual thinker. I mean he’s smart but he just doesn’t think like I do. He’s a diesel mechanic. He can fix and build anything. And he’s really smart at that kind of stuff. And a really genuinely kind person. But as far as the questions and stuff I have he doesn’t think the way I do. He also doesn’t understand my anxiety because he’s never struggled with it. He tries to understand, but I know he doesn’t. He tells me he wishes he could trade places with me, but he still doesn’t understand. So it’s hard for me to talk to him about this stuff. He just believes because he’s been taught to believe and I think the thought of him not believing is scary for him. So I try not to convince him of anything. This has been hard enough for me. I don’t want him to go through anything like that too. So it’s just hard not having many unbelievers to talk to. My husband does believe in annihilation though. He’s always just believed that. I wish I could just believe that.
  10. Sorry that was probably confusing. He has been waking right beside me through this. Doing everything he can. He’s cried with me and held me why I’m crying. He’s the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to me. I just feel like I can’t fully enjoy him or fully be his wife right now. I feel like I’m there with him, but not really there with him. Since this is consuming me.
  11. I miss my job so much. I miss my husband. I miss being happy. I miss my life.
  12. Yeah trust me I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of it. And what I’m going through now is mental torture so I can’t reconcile that with any loving God. I just don’t know how to get over this fear. Especially because it’s just so hard not knowing. have all of y’all studied hell? If y’all had to conclude what it would be based on your studies do you think the Bible tends to go more with ETC, universalism, or annihilation. Just wondering. I wish I could just hang out with all of yall at one time. Maybe one of y’all could knock me out and wipe my memory clean of all this. Maybe I just need my husband to hit me really hard with a frying pan and erase my memory. maybe I need to be hypnotized. Idk this is just the worst. And it sucks because EVERYONE around me is either a Christian or doesn’t believe because they just never “caught on to it” or my cousin believes that the people in the Bible were on drugs. But he’s never spent any time researching anything. As much as I wish I could say oh they are just on drugs. I just can’t. I have to go on facts and so I just can’t do that. And I have anxiety so I can’t just say oh well idk what happens after death so I’m just going to live my life now. My anxiety doesn’t allow for that. what makes me the most mad, is if God is real. Then he allowed me to be taken from a really good job in foster care that I was REALLY good at. I’m not trying to toot my own horn at all!!! But I bet with anything my supervisor would have said I was one of her best workers. I was diligent, thorough. Always did exceptionally well in court, always overly prepared for every meeting I attended, overly prepared for everything. Didn’t mind working late. One night I worked until 2 in the morning trying to get a child a home before Christmas. I mean I just have always tried to do my best at everything. And my job as a foster care worker was no exception. And being a mom would be no exception either. So WHY would God take someone from a position like that? I was willing to stay even though it came with a lot of responsibility and little pay. WHY WOULD GOD DO THAT. It makes me so mad.
  13. annihlation is definitely more welcoming than eternal hell. But I agree it doesn’t make sense to me either. I am reading Bart Ehrmans book on how Jesus became God. The one thing I have trouble letting go of is all the times Jesus is reported to have shown himself to people. How did you all reconcile that? I can possibly get down with hallucinations for the disciples but Paul never met Jesus. That’s what gets me. BUT on the other hand, he never doubts that it’s Jesus. But all the other disciples doubt that it’s actually Jesus. It even says Jesus spent 40 days with them to give them many proofs. Why did they doubt him so much if they had come to know and love him? They didn’t even recognize him but yet he still had holes in his hands? And Paul who had never met him recognized him. Doesn’t make sense to me. Sometimes I wonder if the gospels got the visions from Paul. But it appears they are independent sources.
  14. sorry I’m still learning how to reply to everyone.. it’s confusing. So I will just reply here to everyone or try to... @Weezer I used the recovering from religion to contact a secular therapist near me. Hopefully they contact me back soon. Thank you for the resource. @Joshpantera I’m not sure. It just seems like people have these real experiences. I obviously can’t know for sure. But for instance my friends mom is a devout Christian and told me she saw an angel once. And my mom told me about a time she had a really bad sore throat and prayed and it immediately went away. I obviously can’t explain that. So I don’t know. It’s just all so confusing. @Myrkhoos I have researched this before but the hart name doesn’t sound familiar so I will have to look them up. I’ve also looked up the theory of annihilation which makes more sense to me. But I still don’t know. Especially because the majority of the church preaches eternal torture and living without certainty has never been easy for me so I don’t even know how to function when the very core of my existence can no longer be certain, I mean I guess it was never really certain but I wholeheartedly believed it. @TruthSeeker0 thank you for sending that!! It was helpful. I wish I could just totally stop believing.
  15. Yeah I definitely understand what you are saying. I also realized if that was from God that’s pretty cryptic when He has the capacity to just come speak to me. I shouldn’t have to decipher codes.
  16. Or anyway I can get a personal interview with Bart Erhman? Haha jk.
  17. I really appreciate this website. But I really wish I could talk to someone in person who has deconverted or struggling with the same things I am. Does anyone know anyway I could find someone around me? Or do any of you happen to live somewhere around Roanoke, VA? Or like Greensboro, NC. I’m kinda between those areas. Idk if that’s a weird request or not. Sorry if it is.
  18. Thank you. I just honestly don’t know that to think. It doesn’t seem fair to me. And the Bible seems pretty harsh. But I’m just so afraid of going to hell. I wish it wasn’t true. I wish God wasn’t real. I just feel like He is. Maybe he is and he’s just really scary. I don’t know. I was feeling a little better the other night and kinda coming to terms with okay maybe Christianity really isn’t true. But then I started getting really scared like what if Islam is true, which seems even scarier. Whenever I had these feelings before of like “what if our religion isn’t the right one?” Then I would just come back to the facts I knew and would pray to God for comfort. Eventually I came really secure in the fact that Christianity is the real religion. And i had that comfort that everything else was false. But now if Christianity isn’t real then what if something else is? And what if that something else isn’t loving. Or what... idk. And a lot of Christianity makes sense. But then a lot of it just seems like God is so angry. And like why when people are really struggling why doesn’t he just come down and hug them. Like if my child was struggling really bad and crying and thinking about suicide I would run to them and hug them. Or if my child was struggling with faith in me I would do everything to prove myself. Why can’t God do that? I mean and maybe it’s just not all real. But then it’s like well where did we all come from and why are we here and like I’ve said before people have experienced crazy things. And like NDE. And miracles. And it just all seems so crazy for their to be no God. Idk and then it seems like a lot of stuff in revelation and Daniel is coming true. Idk if any of y’all pay attention to that but like hearing stuff about the free masons and how it’s just all really evil. Idk it’s hard to see the world as just there when I’ve been learning this stuff my whole life.
  19. I just don’t understand. So many people have such loving encounters with God. Why doesnt he love me? Or if he’s not real then how do all these people have all these encounters? I don’t understand. I’m just so lost. and so afraid of hell.
  20. And why does it seem so easy to lose your salvation why is everything so hard
  21. it just doesn’t seem fair any of it. Why do we have to be on this earth tormented by Satan and tempted by sin and with confusing things all around us. It just doesn’t seem fair. We are just human beings. I’m just a human being, living with the cards I was dealt
  22. Thanks y’all. I’m just so terribly confused. I prayed so much yesterday. Me and my husband prayed together. I was sobbing. All day. I begged Jesus to just come talk to me, to hug me, to just let me feel the Holy Spirit. But just nothing. And I watched videos on the 700 club how people experienced Christ in a real way. How they could feel His presence. And all this stuff. And I just don’t understand why Jesus won’t do that for me. It makes me feel so unloved. But then I think I sinned too much and pushed the Holy Spirit away. Because I don’t feel genuine repentance or this strong desire to share the gospel. So it seems like I’m just doomed. part of me is still like maybe it’s not real but then I just don’t know. I DONT KNOW. I’m just so tired of going through this.
  23. Please y’all know I am all sorts of confused.
  24. And I’ve been seeing the number 44 everywhere. Is there any Biblical meaning to this number that you all know of? My friend sent me a song today about God being faithful and the length of the song was 4:44 and then after that I went to look up the length of another song about him being faithful and it was 3:44. I’m seeing it everywhere on my phone on my clocks on other people’s clocks. I pulled into a parking lot a few weeks ago and two cars side by side had 44 on the end of the license plates. I was telling someone I’ve been seeing it everywhere and right when I was telling her a person on the tv said “I’m 44 years old”
  25. I wanted to let everyone know I’m not ignoring y’all. I’ve just been struggling with some things. I know you all are not believers. And I really tried to convince myself it wasn’t true. But the conviction that it is true is still there. I think it is true. I know the evidence for it not being is compelling but I think the evidence for it being true is compelling too. And I was reading some things like night about God’s character and things I thought were not good about his character in the Bible (like the story of the bears and the children) but I listened to a quick video on it and realized there was an explanation for this scene in the Bible that made sense in part. There are some things I will never understand about the God of the Bible. Ever. But I realized if He is real then I know His character cannot change. And if the word is true then He is good. So everything that He does is good and for a purpose. I started crying because I realized I need God and I need Jesus. I’ve never truly known Him I don’t think. And maybe that’s why He has allowed me to go through this to truly come to know Him. Idk. Or maybe I’m wrong and it isn’t all real. I think it is though. I felt a lot of love for God in that moment like my chest was going to burst out with love. But then it went away and I’m back to feeling anxious. But it seems like salvation is so easy in the Bible right? Just believe on Jesus name? If I believe Jesus is the Son of God and died for me on the cross, I hope that means I’m saved.
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