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Mama28

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About Mama28

  • Rank
    Curious

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Hiking, fitness, learning about the mind
  • More About Me
    I am 37 years old, been married for 15 years, have 8 kids, I am gay, and I am trying to untangle the knots I created in life by never discovering my truth until now

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    The Universe

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  1. Mama28

    I Am Free

    Welcome! I just found this site like two weeks ago. Slowly going through the deconversion process and accepting that I am further on the lesbian side of bisexual lol. It seems impossible to find local people to talk to so these forums are the next best thing. I wrote parts of my story under Still Untangling if you want to read it. So sorry to hear about whatever awful things you have experienced
  2. I love everything you said here. During all of the times of doubt, the answer was always, you need more faith! Your unbelief is keeping you from Gods presence. Blah blah blah. It’s amazing how firmly implanted these beliefs are in your mind. And the prevailing thoughts I struggle with are fear and guilt. I fear judgement. I fear failure. I fear what my children will think of me. I fear of being alone. And thoughts of hell still Float through my head. And then there is the guilt of having so many children in a loveless marriage.
  3. Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. It’s amazing how much more accepting and friendly people are “in the world” than “in the church”. My whole adult life I never felt like I fit into church and homeschool Crowds. Everything is so black and white and people are so judgy. 2018 was my last big attempt to live the “Christian” life. By the end of it I was very hurt by zealous friends and also began the process of realizing I am gay. Then last year I fell deeply in love with a close friend. I never told her. We had a falling out. I have suspected that she may have also get something for me but I believe that religion and patriarchal obligations caused her to push me far away. That experience has just caused to walk further away from religion.
  4. I hope you are right! Life feels so empty and meaningless right now. I spent so many years believing my purpose was to raise “arrows for Christ” and to live my life to “glorify God”. Now what? My life is a mess. For so long I was taught that human desires are bad and sinful. And just to be honest my desire to be with a woman grows stronger and more overwhelming everyday. Sorry if that’s TMI.
  5. Thanks everyone! This is definitely a long process. I was reading an old book about positive thinking and it said something about the “laws of God” and I automatically felt shame for being gay. It wasn’t even taking about sexuality but my mind has been trained to go there. Ugh!
  6. Thank you so much. I have been in this process for a year now. It’s hard. But I am so glad to find others to talk to and guide me.
  7. Hello. I just typed out a very long post and accidentally deleted it. Ugh. Anyways I am 37 and was in and out of church most of my life. I tried many different times and many different ways to “get closer to God” always wondering what I was missing. Pray more! MemoriZe and meditate on scripture! Just have faith! Don’t question! Have more unwanted sex with your husband! The list goes on. I always ended up short. Always felt like I didn’t belong in the church circles. Always felt shame for not being able to love my husband the way others seemed to love theirs. I hastily got married young after getting pregnant by someone I barely knew. I proceeded to get caught up in the Christian, homeschool, large family movement. And had 8 kids. I love them dearly. But 15 years of nursing, breastfeeding, and isolation took a severe toll on me. After my last child I was very suicidal. My husband didn’t take it seriously. Through a series of unfortunate events I was connected to a Christian therapist who has been amazing. Anyways a year ago I really started trying to get to know myself and focus on my health. I realized I am gay. Took me a long time to begin accepting it. I am still in the process. But I have no idea how I will untangle the choices I have made in order to live my truth. And I still have the religious voices in my head that tell me I am shameful and undeserving of love and I will go to hell. I was excited to find this site today. I have read a few threads and it was a breath of fresh air. I look forward to interacting with you all.
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