ZenPaladin

LOL! I may just do this, thanks!

Good quote actually.

Thanks, and that is definitely the game plan.

Hey fellow heretics! Got in not long ago from Karate, and thought I would share something my mom said to me less than 2 weeks ago. So I guess my mom and I had just come across each other in the hall I guess, and she ended up talking about how it's unnatural that a guy my age(I'm 19) doesn't hqve a girlfriend. She then says that by the time I turn 20 in June I need to have a girlfriend or female friend at least or else she would start thinking I "swing the other way". Now look yall, I'm in therapy right now, which is very much needed. I have lots of baggage I have to work through, from years of family dysfunction to what happened between me and two alleged friends (Zimba who hurt my sister and "Curls", someone from high school who let's just say things reached Lifetime movie territory), and then just the general stuff with being on the spectrum. So at this point in time (plus secretly trying to save to move out) I'm not in the financially, physical (need to get in shape), and especially emotional and mental state for friendships atm let alone romantic relationships. My mom doesn't know about me doing therapy but regardless my therapist did say that was a shitty thing to say on her end even if she was only half serious. As for therapy itself it is helping. I will say that I still have a lot of hurt, and have some people I wish I avoided and some I wish were still in my life, mistakes I regret, etc. I'm not gonna act like it's all magically better but my therapist did give me a greenish clear stone that said "take care of your heart" and on the back it said "please be kind to yourself". He said these could be used as personal mantras, and I will definitely try to internalize these ideas more considering the outburst I had last week. So not everything is that bad, thankfully...

Good to meet you, and thank you. That will come with it's own struggles for sure but at least I won't be dealing with the down and dirty street stuff. I'd love to talk more through DM if you'd like, maybe hear about your apostate experience and how you joined the service...

This is why I'm intent on continuing therapy/counseling. My long term desired career after college is being a park ranger/fish and gane warden. I'm not attracted to the prospect of a desk job.

Soory for not answering this before, but I have wanted to do martial arts agin pretty badly. I've been strapped for cash and time due to this job fiasco but I tried a Brazilian Jiu-Jutsu class yesterday I liked it.

I did my session today. I told him everything, and he did say that it was a pretty big breakthrough with being able to express all those feelings and being genuine about them and that crying is a legitimate release mechanism. He did say it didn't seem to be suicide as everyone can feel absolutely hopeless in bad times. However, he did emphasize that I needed to be much kinder to myself, and try to view past friendships that failed with more realizing you can see the good times even if you fully recognize when someone used you or if you hurt someone, and to stop punishing myself by replaying them which is something we will work on moving forward. He also acknowledged how the adolescent years can be a lonely time for everyone even regardless of a social disability. So I guess right now I'm a bit better. But here's hoping... Also I appreciate your kind words when you shared your thoughts on the high school thing I posted under another username.

I did my session today. I told him everything, and he did say that it was a pretty big breakthrough with being able to express all those feelings and being genuine about them and that crying is a legitimate release mechanism. He did say it didn't seem to be suicide as everyone can feel absolutely hopeless in bad times. However, he did emphasize that I needed to be much kinder to myself, and try to view past friendships that failed with more realizing you can see the good times even if you fully recognize when someone used you or if you hurt someone, and to stop punishing myself by replaying them which is something we will work on moving forward. He also acknowledged how the adolescent years can be a lonely time for everyone even regardless of a social disability. So I guess right now I'm a bit better. But here's hoping...

Thank you so much, I will keep this in mind. That dark feeling may not be there right now, and it isn't the most common occurence but I can't say it is a foriegn experience.

I will let you know how it goes, thank you.

My next session is tomorrow at noon. That's part of why I said I didn't want to worry anyone. In those moments, I didn't want to die, but the pain was so intense and it was everything coming down.

Luckily I am seeing a community college therapist.

Hey everyone. This is something that happened yesterday. I had just finally got home from EMT class. We had an exam, and I think I did alright. But, maybe I myself aren't alright... I don't want to cause anyone to panic or anything, and I don't want to sound like a whiny young adult(I'm 19) but I'm just saying what it is I was truly feeling. So after getting off work at my new security job post(screening at a shipping warehouse facility) I grabbed lunch then went to community college where my EMT classes were held. I just sat in the lobby reviewing notes and playing on my phone some until class started. While our instructor was preparing some stuff, everyone was small talking but I didn't contribute much, and after the quiz a couple of people noted my quietness. But I already wasn't in the best mood because I've been at this new post for just a few days and yet I've already fucked up a few times and my supervisor has reprimanded me twice(last post was just watching CCTV screens and Netflix in an empty warehouse, so adjustment). But as time went on, more and more negative feelings started piling on. It wasn't simply the bad mood about the shitty day at work, but then every thing I had been dealing with in my life and still trying to come to terms with. The loneliness and social isolation due to autism. The fighting and arguments from my parents that happened for years. My sister's suicide attempts and mental health outbursts. My ex-best friend who used me and hurt my sister. The friend from high school that I unintentionally pushed away and they cut ties with me. It all started to come to my mind. I could feel my eyes start to feel warm and moist, so I got up, and went to a bathroom stall, and the tears began to fall. Before I went to the bathroom I had ended up using my pen to write on my palm in my hand ''Why does everyone I try to be close to leave me?'' Even though I scrubbed it as hard as I could afterwards, you can still kinda make it out despite being halfway faded. After that, I washed my face and dried it and my hands and went back to class until it ended. And when it was done and I finally got back to my car, reclined the seat so people couldn't see, and let it cave. I wasn't sobbing, but the waterworks were all too real. There was so many things that were coming out at once. I felt sadness at my family situation and at seeing my sister almost die this past summer from a suicide attempt, feeling sorry about how I handled things with the high school friend, genuinely wishing I could at least tell them I'm sorry. Embrarassment and regret for my social failures throughout my childhood and remorse for how I wasted time with someone like my ex-best friend(before I met the high school one) who did unspeakable things to my sister behind my back. Just so much stuff. Even driving home on the freeway and heavy traffic, the years kept falling, and once on the street I even damn near fell asleep while in a lane more than once, which probably wasn't helped by mainly eating junk food today. I know maybe it could just be a fluke. But that kinda sadness just simply felt beyond simple regrets and what ifs. It felt strong yet inside there was a hollow feeling of resignation. And while there wasn't any serious intents or desires to kill myself or anything(I've never felt it), there was a feeling of contemplating what things would be like without me. Right now I don't feel it much as I'm typing, but it still doesn't feel like something to blow off. And deep down, I know I'm still not truly happy...

Thank you for your kind words Dan. It is not easy but hopefully things will be better one step at a time.