I was raised by a Christian family, but was mostly neutral on the topic until my dad sent me to a Christian summer camp when I was a freshman in highschool. I came back from that camp a born-again fundy!
My conversion happened 10 years ago, and marked the beginning of a very religious phase of life. Evangelism was common throughout this time frame, since I genuinely believed Christianity was true, and people would go to hell if I didn't preach the Gospel. Most people at church saw me as "on fire".
As I made my way through college and joining the professional workplace, this fire started dwindling. I wasn't afraid to let people know that I was a Christian, but stopped shoving my beliefs down others' throats. In hindsight, I think this was because I didn't want being a Jesus-freak to poorly impact my relationships at school or work.
As time went on, I learned that two of my closest Christian friends from highschool began to doubt Christianity. One of them left Christianity entirely, the other was doubting.
Their doubts made me think that I should examine my own beliefs, and for the first time, I turned the apologetics "defend the bible at all costs" switch off, and began looking into the history of the Bible and Christianity.
I didn't like what I saw! I quickly threw the doctrine of Biblical inerrancy out the window and started investigating progressive Christianity. A couple of months later, I realized I was just trying to hold on to some semblance of faith. Progressive Christianity is definitely less falsifiable, but I couldn't find anything there convincing me that I should dedicate my life to it. So, a few months ago I stopped considering myself a Christian.
Now, I'm facing the fallout of that change. I've kept my wife in the loop from the very first day I doubted, and she is well aware that I'm no longer a believer. However, she still presses me to attend church and small groups with her. So far I've obliged out of guilt, but it's incredibly uncomfortable being at church now. As I'm sure you understand, sermons at church can be hard to put up with once you've changed your outlook. That, and I feel estranged from the community now--like a black sheep of sorts.
More recently, I've told her about my issues, and that I don't know how much longer I can put up with going to church. Saying this made her emotional, almost as emotional as when I told her I didn't believe anymore. She said that me not wanting to go to church anymore made my deconversion feel even more real, which I understand.
So here I am, still going to church (primarily to keep the peace with my wife), but I'm on the brink of leaving. I suppose I'm posting here because I'm looking for support for this next stage, which is perhaps the scariest step of my deconversion.
It signifies leaving years of my life behind, my church community behind, my Christian parents behind, and part of my relationship with my wife behind. It's scary because I don't know that all the changes to come will be good ones. But at this point, I think leaving is necessary for my own sanity.
With that said, I'm thinking I'll go through the motions for another month or so. My Christian dad is visiting me in a month, and I want one more peaceful visit with him before I leave the church.