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Call_me_Lex

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About Call_me_Lex

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  • Interests
    Trying to figure it out
  • More About Me
    Person who was lied to about religion

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    No, maybe the general universe

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  1. Thank you for your lovely supportive messages in my other thread. I was fully immersed in religion but about 5 years ago saw behind the curtain, as it were. I stopped going to church. Where I live there is a beautiful old church from the 1200s. I have spent time in there absorbing the atmosphere, just thinking. And though the benches have been replaced, some of the stones are worn away by almost 900 years of people. For the last couple of weeks I have attended the sung evening mass (High Anglican). At the school I went to as a girl we had assembly every day, and I was in the choir, so it felt so familiar and comfortable. In terms of my personal religion it varied between Baptist growing up, Pentecostal as a teen, then strict Baptist as an adult. So these services are not part of what my religious path involved. I skip over the parts where they say 'I believe in Jesus' etc. And a lot of the time in my mind I substitute 'the universe' or even myself in prayers and hymns. I worry that I'm being a hypocrite. I haven't told them 'I'm not Christian' and in any case, the Anglican side of things is often about tradition and not so much 'personal faith.' Has anyone experienced something similar?
  2. I'm upset with myself because I answered truthfully. What happened: I was at the hairdresser, it's a good fit and I have been going for a few months now. As standard I avoid talking about religion. Today the pastor of her church came in when I had my appointment. He did one of those long prayers thank you for finding these premises Lord by the blood of Jesus new customers will come etc. (No that's marketing and getting a good reputation). I closed my eyes and waited, just to be polite. Then as soon as the prayer ended he turned and asked me are you a Christian. I just answered 'no'. Then the pastor asked my name. I answered. 'Oh do you know that is a biblical name!?!' No shit. Most people have at least a vague idea about their OWN name origin. It's not the most well known but one of the people named in Paul's letters. I said so. Silence. Then he left. Now my problem is that the hairdresser's demeanor towards me has completely changed it's as if I said I like snacking on babies and I have a couple of spare in my freezer at the moment. I'm just upset about this whole situation.
  3. Thank you all so much. I'm overwhelmed by the compassion and understanding here.
  4. Sorry for the delay in responding. No physical danger. Thanks for asking. I'm completely financially dependent unfortunately. I'm terrified of trying anything in case it's a worst case scenario and I end up on the streets. Realistically I'd fall on the mercy of a relative before being street homeless, but I feel like I really absorbed the message that without God you're weak and worthless.
  5. Thank you all for the kind words and the support. To answer some questions, - I'm no longer going to church even before the pandemic. I just lied I'm going to a different one. My family sees atheists as literally possessed by the devil, and I can't face a confrontation. - my husband admitted he never believed, just lied so I would marry him and he just went through the motions. His default state is to lie whenever there is anything inconvenient or uncomfortable, I found this out too late.
  6. I'm not quite sure how to explain. That if I could go back in time I'd live my youth as a childfree atheist. I'm not quite up to speed on the rules of time travel . But I would hate for my kids to never have existed. So I would have them but let them be adopted or something like that.
  7. I literally believed it was all true. Genuinely believed it, and thought I could not hear the holy spirit because I was too sinful, like in not forgiving people who were shitty to me. Now I'm 40, housewife with no up to date skills. Shitty husband who I can't afford to leave. I never wanted to be a mother but bought into church bs, so here I am resentful as fu**. I wish I could go back in time. Maybe still have the kids but adopt them out so they are still alive at least in that timeline. Live a real life. But I'm stuck now.
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