GypsyMoon

Anyone ever had that feeling of walking on ice or on egg shells, even when there's no reason to be feeling like that? I've come to the conclusion that my brain is possibly wired to deal with crisis every second of every day.... The majority of my life has been extremely stressful and not all that pleasant, the last two weeks I've had a rather calm life minus my kids running away and my other (real) mum being really fucking sick .. All of that I can deal with.. Apparently what I struggle with is having no major urgent situations or problems to solve. It's like I have to be stressed to function which isn't particularly helpful nor is it a very nice way to live as most here will know. All I've ever wanted is a normal life, but I have been feeling more and more insane of late and if I don't figure out how to rewire my impulses soon its going to drive me insane, that's PTSD for you I guess. At least I'm aware of it and hopefully on the right track.... Seeing my shrink tomorrow is going to be interesting. Usually I have some ridiculous bullshit stressful scenario to discuss but not this week...

Wasp factory........... Interesting read for sure

I guess the title of this entry says it all really. I have a tendency to run from positive relationships, and I'm trying to break that habit. My biggest issue right now is that I feel numb, as in, I cannot feel my emotions, whether I care deeply for someone, love them, or simply feel deep respect for them. The only exception to this is my children, whom I know I love unconditionally as any parent should. All I want right now is to feel again, it appears as though this is going to be difficult and possibly painful.. I probably shut down that part of me as a child, and as a result I suspect I mistook jealousy for love in past relationships. That would explain my tendency to 'always run' from the ones that are actually positive and probably normal. Yesterday I witnessed my boyfriend make a heart, stare at it for a while, then throw it away... The previous evening he had told me that he had more feelings for me than he ever imagined pissible, and that he was falling for me. To his credit he said itbat exactly the right moment, and there was no expectation for a reply. At this moment in time, I'm sitting around trying to figure out how I feel, whether I have feelings for him or not, whether I miss him when he's not here,. Its pretty hard to figure out when all I have to go on is my thoughts. Its pretty obvious there's something somewhere or I wouldn't be thinking about him all the time. He doesn't expect anything from me and nor do I from him. Its so easy, there's no effort required, its simple and I enjoy his company, but I don't want to feel numb anymore. It's like one part of me says he's just another guy, another part of me says he's not, and yet another part of me says run for your life because that's what you always do when someone nice starts falling for you, yet in amongst all of this, all there is, is me feeling completely and utterly numb. I feel nothing. It'sso confusing. Even my friends told him I always run, so I guess he's expecting that now. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to give him half a chance, I can do at least that, but I don't want to feel like this forever, it just sucks.

I So, as usual I'm awake in the middle of the night. Except this time it's somewhat ironic, I don't currently own a journal and haven't kept one for several years now, I figured a blog would fulfill the same purpose. Thinking about my life in general currently and trying to work out where too from here. Tomorrow, or rather today now, seeing as it's after midnight is going to be yet another major milestone, I guess I could call it that.., . Mother is going to arrive to watch the kids for me whilst I oattend family court, and when I return I intend on discussing matters with her that are of major concern to me. 6 years ago, I left home, approximately two years after deconverting. The result being that my family disowned me, apart from my brother. While I have felt that they have accepted the fact that I no longer beleive, there is definitely a part, particularly for my mother and one of my sisters, that beleives I will return to the "fold". Nothing could be further from my imagination than that day, it's never going to happen. When I hit 18, I discovered alcohol, drugs, sex, heavy metal, etc for the first time, and fell in love with the lifestyle, as most people do who have never been exposed to such things, nor schooled up on the dangers of such environments. Thankfully the crowd I ended up in didnt exactly take advantage of me, however my naivety was stark, and I was often teased and made fun of for my lack of knowledge in almost everything secular. Eventually people would call me a "bretho" just to watch me lose the plot... Nowadays if someone said that I would just laugh but back then it felt like a painful reminder of where Id come from. Anyway, at 19 i found myself homeless, a drug addict, no family and no real friends. I started sleeping with different men just to have somewhere to stay of a night, I had an abortion when i discovered myself to one such night, and I felt like a murderer. I didn't know how I could do that to a poor innocent. My first boyfriend then started sleeping with me again, and looking back now I see it for what it was. Then came the day that he threw me into another man's arms..... I never knew the full story of that until about 7 months later, when I was pregnant with my now 3 year old son. However I was a bet that night. My first boyfriend basically sold me to another man. Wow. What the fuck was I thinking. Anyway. Around this time, when I discovered I was pregnant, I started talking to my mother again, or rather she began contacting me. Meanwhile my partner at the time was everything id ever imagined, until the abuse started. Until he held me up against the wall with a knife to my throat, and said "don't be scared of death". Umtil the day that i was home late and he'd tried to kill himself. Until the day he told me if I ever left him for someone else, he would hunt me down, kill me, and throw me so far down a hole no one would ever find me. Yeah I wasn't about to leave him in a hurry. I tried to leave a few times, he convinced me to return, went to jail for a few months, and wrote me empty but convincing love letters with amazing promises in them that I stupidly beleived. Classic domestically violent relationship. He got out of jail and moved in with me, I ignored my parents warnings and those of my friends. Everything was great at first, he even got a job and we bought a car etc, alas it didnt last. He relented to his drinking, got fired from work, various types of abuse towards me occured, threatened to kill himself in a drunken stupor in front of his mum on my due date. I begged him anf he eventually stopped that day.... New years eve 2011 Zeppelin was born. I was so happy, we both were. So were our families. It went downhill from there. I kicked him out numerous times, he got my car impounded when zeppelin was a week old, etc etc. He had a three day fling with this other girl and I lost the plot. By this stage I was fully convinced I loved him and could change him... The months went by, we both continued our drug and alcohol use, Then we moved away, which was his way of isolating me further. When our son was 9 months old, I realized I was pregnant again. The next two months were spent planning to leave him. I wasnt going to raise two kids with him. I was getting called names every single day, my son was being ignored by him, i lost almost all my friends because I wasnt allowed to talk to them etc. He left to visit his mum and just before he was supposed to come back I told him not to bother, I went to refuge, three days later all hell broke loose and CYFS got involved. My mum qnd sister drove down to help, and him and his mother came down, we had meetings and court, eventually coming up with a plan. My parents refused to sign an affadavit saying they wouldn't physically abuse my son so I couldnt go there, my ex's mum didnt agree with the protection order, so I couldnt go there, but my son could. And for 18 months thats what happened. I missed his first birthday, first christmas, first words, first steps.... His father, who was the major issue, saw it all. Then my parents decided to start helping me. I started from scratch. Moved into a house with nothing but my clothes. Slowly got everything i needed for both my babies. I was still majorly unstable though, and despite my desperate cries for justice and help, I wasnt heard. Started sleeping witj my ex again. That was stupid, but a small relief every so often. I quit drugs, lived a clean life. June 3 my beautiful daughter was born. My ex, didnt care. My mum did... Cyfs threatened me that week, just after I'd given birth, i went to a live in parenting assessment/educatiom programe. Stayed for 3 months. Fought cyfs to give me back custody. I hadnt signed her life away. I got it and walked out of that programme with her in my arms. My ex mother in law knew what was coming next. And my mum fueled it. Cyfs refused to give me unsupervised contact with my son, even though id been deemed a good loving parent by the hardest assessors in the country. So to the court we went.. Just over two years since my son was taken from me without so much of a goodbye, I have custody of him, hes asleep in his bed right now. I did the impossible. No one beleived Id get him back, APART FROM MY FAMILY. AND THAT, IS THE IMPORTANT BIT. Now, my mother has turned her back yet again. My children are "manipulating" "have attitude problems" et, my ex mother in law is "evil" and a "bad influence on the children". Shes preaching to my kids, and theres nothing wrong with her, the problem is my kids.. And my ex's mum, who is actually quite supportice and would do anything to help the kids..... What part of that is evil???? "Fundamental characteristics don't change unless god is involved".. Right, mother, explain how I changed without God then???? She goes snooping in my car, sees one empty beer can, and that equates to "Not watching the kids" She used to be supportive. Now nothing I do is good enough. And when I told her my kids aren't old enoughto manipulate anyone and that its called kids being kids she got all annoyed . So today, I have family court. I have no choice but to get mum to watch the kids as I organized it ages ago. But I've decided its the last time. My son loves his grandma (M. I. L), but he's made it qyite clear to me that he doesnt like my mother. Im not putting my kids through what I went through, and if its mums way or the highway, I'd much rather take the highway. I don't understand why she wants to control me so badly, but you know its toxic when you can't evwn discuss something like adults. I intend on telling her this today, guess I will be dead to her. For the final time. I love my children unconditionally. We, me and my kids, have been through hell and back. We don't need mum's hell as well. I don't understand how any mother could turn her back on a child..... I can't tell her I have a boyfriend, I have to lie to her about when the kids see their other grandparents, and I don't want my children seeing me live a double life. I'm done. Permanently. Its hurt so bad to hear my dear babies put down like that, it hurts to realize that all the support was just a facade to try and draw me back in. The saddest thing is, I wont even have to say, that its permament. And that I don't want to have anything to do with her, she will do that part herself. And, how judgemental is that. Judging a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I live a guilt free life. I'm not scared of her hell, but she should be.. "Judge not, lest ye be judged" Goodbye Mother. I love you. Maybe I'll see you in another life, maybe I won't, but I don't have any room in my life for pretending, lying, and judgement. I'm going to go wuth a clear conscience now. Have fun feeling guilty.