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Everything posted by Galien

  1. When were christians EVER honest?
  2. Mericans, always need a war on something. I find the whole halloween thing completely ridiculous, but then I feel the same way about all our commercially driven celebration days.
  3. I was a traumatised child with overblown empathy. Jesus was my hero, and I wanted to love everyone just like him. I also felt personally responsible for his crucifixion. God was the kind loving parent I never had in real life. I was like a sheep to the slaughter.
  4. I am SO bad at accepting things I cannot change

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. bfuddled


      I hear ya. Sorry you're dealing with crappy people *hugs*

    3. milesaway


      same here. i've had it up to here with one-sided relationships. :(

    4. Margee


      'Acceptance' is the impotant key to accepting things that one cannot change. It's not an easy job...

  5. No mate I don't believe that for a minute, I think it is a silly made up concept. I avoid assholes like the plague, and I don't abuse people with power. I see what is there, in plain sight.
  6. When I was a kid I liked the song JOY JOY this must surely mean, jesus first and yourself last and others in between. That resonated with my natural propensity for looking after people, so I learned early to care deeply about everyone's needs. To me this has been the focus of my life, the way I thought we were meant to live to make the world a better place for all of us. During my time as a christian I was often puzzled by people not reciprocating that. I have spent a lot of my life crying because I think deep in my heart I knew the truth but just did not want to face it in all its glory. I thought there was something deeply wrong with christians, but now I realise it is everyone, and it is considered "normal" behaviour. Over the past few years since deconversion I keep running into the same problem, me being happy to care about how I treat other people, but them not paying much attention when I need something from them. I am a fixer, and if there is an issue I like to drag it out and discuss it with the other person, so we can fix it. What I often get though is, well, nothing. People are not interested in fixing problems if it requires effort on their part. I am very concerned with what I can do to make them feel loved or needed or wanted, but they are not on the same page as me. Because that attitude is so foreign to me, it causes me a LOT of cognitive dissonance. I just don't get what it is not to care. I want to find solutions for everything, even if that involves me giving, because that is what I do. I have come to realise though that I am not even on the radar for other people. I completely underestimated how concerned people are with their own inner lives, and how completely unconcerned they are with the inner lives of others. I can beg, plead, cry, ask nicely, get angry, do everything I know to try and get them to listen and care about certain things, but they just......don't. I don't even know what that shit is, but I know it makes me so angry I could punch people. I am a giver in a world of takers, but am I just meant to lie down and take it? I don't want to anymore. The only thing I can do to avoid punching people is just to accept they don't give a shit, and that irks the fuck out of me after everything I am prepared to do for them. I don't think there is any solution for this. I want them to care, but I cannot make them. Why are their wants and needs so important to me, but mine so unimportant to them?
  7. Some of us have early experiences with men being pigs, and no one really comes along to change our mind. All feminists have different reason for thinking what they do. Mine have to do with watching the behaviour of men for over 50 years. I see a lot of selfishness, ego and immaturity, and the women left behind to clean up the mess. For me, most men never actually grow up and realise the world doesn't revolve around them. I need to be with a man who is grown up enough to realise that is not the case. Lucky for me I am.
  8. Galien


    Just went to see my therapist. I have had such a long history of not getting my needs met. Seems every time in my life I have mentioned them to people, the people go away, so I just let things slide when I should not. My mother taught me I was not allowed to have needs, every time I tried to get them met I would be punished by her emotional withdrawal or her violence, or her getting angry at me because I had them in the first place. My ex husband used to do the same thing to me, the cult, the church, even my own daughter. I told my daughter that her abandonment of me had utterly destoyed me as a person. No response. I keep hoping that things will get better, that my needs will be acknowledged and I will be heard. Sadly though, I don't mention them when I should and I build up resentment that the person doesn't care about me, at the same time I build up fear because I know when I mention them, the person will be angry with me. Seems like I cannot win sometimes.
  9. Galien


    For just one year of my life, just one, I would like it if there was nothing to be angry about. That is yet to happen. No liars, no emotional. retards, no bludgers, no people where I have to carry the whole load for the relationship, no fairweather friends, no people who havent dealt with their own emotional issues. I'm just so fucking tired of having to beg people for the things I need. I want my life to be more than just working and my heart hurting and washing sox.
  10. For me, the best thing to do was walk away from all of it. Obsessing over it just made me crazier and crazier, and I had to set a boundary for myself. This shit owned my whole mind for four decades, all it ever did was keep me in a loop of fear and uncertainty. Now when people ask me questions about it, I always say I just don't care.
  11. University is a business like any other. It is held up in high school as a big deal, but like most things in life, when you get to experience them you realise they aren't that much of a big deal after all.
  12. Galien, you've been de-converted for quite a while haven't you? Yes, it started in about 2007 I think then just took on a life of its own. An estrangement with my kid over the past 12 months has made everything worse. It is like both of my main foundations in life have fallen apart. I am lucky I have a kind, loving partner, but not even that is holding me together this time. I guess its just too much to lose.
  13. I feel the same way, kind of like an orange with all the juice sucked out of it. After losing christianity I still had my family, then my kid stopped talking to me. I feel like everything that has kept me alive is gone. I'm like a shadow these days, I feel like I might blow away in the wind.
  14. Its pretty hard not to feel bad living in a world that has lost its way. If I had to live in America I'd HAVE to be ripped all the time or I'd hurt someone.
  15. I was hoping to spend eternity with a totally honest, totally pure being. Until then I was hoping to spread love in the world. Naive as fuck? You betcha.
  16. Galien

    Different View

    As it happens, this morning I have had two fights, one amongst a group of ex christians about why its not okay to be an asshole and another in a group of complex post traumatic stress disorder people who wanted to tell me everything that happens in life is always the parents fault. Perhaps I just dont choose my audience well
  17. Galien

    Different View

    In the past few ywars it has really come home to me how differently I view the world from the average person. Even growing up I saw things that other people either didn't see, or ignored. I was always that kid who pointed out the emporer was naked, and sadly for me I was surrounded by people who were not very bright. They laughed at my questions and told me my curiosity about the world was odd. I was lucky enough though to have access to libraries, that answered a lot of my questions when other people wouldn't. Wasn't until I violated a social norm that I realised exactly how different I am from most people. I believe in total honesty, no "white" lies. I believe everyone is equal, that people are more important than money or power or status. I don't think people in power are any more worthy of anything than the rest of us. I don't think my kids are perfect. I think the education system teaches people what to thik, not how to think. I don't believe governments have anyone's best interet at heart except their own. I believe insitutions are corrupt to the core. I am a bit of an anarchist really. Seems to me that people are just programmed to believe the things they do by their socialisation, backed up by media and the need for social approval. Ever since I got the sharp end of social disapproval for my violation, it is like I can really see the world more clearly than I ever did. My biggest problem now is that every time I express an opinion that runs contrary to social norms I get in a stupid fight with people who have not had to see the world the way I have. My rational mind knows that they will never see life the way I do because they are not me, but my emotions scream "why can't this idot see that it is not a one size fits all world, and that there is more than one way to do things or view things". I just cannot seem to stop arguing with idiots. The alternative is to just shut up completely, and keep everything to myself, caught in a prison of lack of self expression, pretty much a mental death sentence for me. I have learned the hard way what it is people expect me to say, that I am to "play the game" by someone else's rules, but I really don't want to. I want to be able to say what I want without having to constantly argue with people who haven't walked in my shoes. As it is now, the friends I had have pretty well all drifted away seeing most were christians, and I no longer feel close to anyone. I can share my feelings with my parter and my ex hubby, but I don't want to overload them, men don't tend to like to talk about that stuff as much as women. If I cannot express my opinions and feelings on the net without people jumping down my throat trying to force me into comformity, where can I? Is there anywhere left that I can just be who I am and think what I like without people trying to convince me I am wrong about everything?
  18. It's just plain mean to pick on people's beliefs. All of us have had to struggle with losing our religion. For the very senstive among us, that is a profoundly difficult experience. If we then go on to explore other belief systems that is no one's business but our own. No one needs to be calling other people names or telling them they are stupid. It is usually the deep people who explore belief, and the shallow who laugh at them. Immature and unkind.
  19. I just wanted to love people, and I would have been like that with or without christianity.
  20. Life doesn't have to be fair, but it is people who make it that way with their greed and ego and stupid pecking orders. Bring on death I say, has to be better than this idiocy.
  21. I have Complex PTSD, and I have had it all my life. It was made much worse by churches not understanding what was wrong with me and blaming my distress on my own lack of faith. I was in a cult for nine years which eventually expelled me, and another church that asked me to leave. I have lost all my "friends" twice, then my faith. The effect on me has been devastating in terms of my disgust of authority figures and my inability to trust people. I still have nightmares about being shamed in front of the church. I will never be able to be part of an organisation again. I can barely tolerate it for work purposes.
  22. I think women and men see it differently also. Women are trained from birth to look after people, being a mother means you lose yourself for decades. Any time you try and do anything for yourself and not others people call you selfish.
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