ilovemybrain

And I also remember you @Overcame Faith! Glad to hear from you! Thank you for the friendship and encouragement when I needed it! I and @Eugene39 are happy as heck and so thankful for this site. 3 of my 4 kids are grown and 1 has thought his way out of fundamentalism, so that makes me happy too. We happened upon another “Ex-c” (from this site) in our town who is semi-famous now for an ex-c book she wrote and we were privileged to celebrate our wedding at her beautiful home, and are very thankful to know her. My kids love my husband and love seeing us happy. We have had much fallout in our families (specifically parents) but it has always been worth it, to just be our whole selves. Even my fundy parents have gotten over their “horror” and begun to accept us a bit, and I think my mom really loves “Eugene39” because no one can deny he’s just one of the best, kindest, most genuine human beings ever. I’m still so very, VERY thankful for this site and everyone on it, for helping me see I’m not the “crazy” one. For listening to me through the first couple years of anger and rebellion and confusion. Please hang in there; all the rest of you. It gets better.

*hugs back* - yeah it's hard to be around people who misunderstand us and see us as a disappointment, so the best answer right now is distance. Sorry you have to deal with that too.

Actually, that is part of our thoughts, too. We are open to that possibility as we get older, if it seems advantageous and pretty clear to us that the relationship will last til the end.

Thank you :-) No, that was my point - although I didn't word it very well. Even ex-C's here who don't even know us but have been through similar experiences, as well as our personal friends who do know us, all seem to see us more clearly than our own parents do, who should know us but don't bother to look past their own preconceived ideas about apostates or ask us how WE feel about anything.

Yeah, our thinking about marriage is this: we are all for a deep, serious commitment and that is what we have, but in our marriages, our spouses felt that commitment meant just 'not divorcing.' They felt we were stuck with them, so they didn't have to do anything to make the marriage work. We both want to know each other is there because they want to be, not because they have to be. And we don't want to be each other's legal "possession" either. I realize others feel differently about marriage and there are some good reasons to consider it, but that's how we see it. And thanks again for the well-wishes. It is so nice when fellow ex-c's, and our friends who know us, are truly glad to see us happy.

I hear ya. I'm just really sad tonight about how these relationships we treasured are based on their own mental picture of who they think we are or who they want us to be. So when we admit what we really think, we can't really connect anymore. The way fundy Christianity divides people is just...sad. Hopefully though, you will be able to at least keep things on somewhat of an even keel and not have a major break with them. And thanks for sharing my good cheer about finding someone special

Thanks They're not actually in-laws since we don't plan to officially legally marry, and I haven't met them yet, but it is bound to happen sometime. So much fun to look forward to. <sigh>

I just have to chime in here and say I totally agree with those who have urged you to set boundaries. Because I love my parents and wanted them to hear what I was thinking and feeling, I did sit down and talk with them ONCE. It didn't go well, but I made it clear I was not open to any further debate. There is nothing they could tell me that I haven't heard before. And I knew nothing I said would change their minds. So I just didn't agree to talk to anyone about it other than my then husband. I decided that other than the one talk with parents, (and a brief explanation to my brother) I just didn't owe anyone any explanation. I had gone around and around this shit for years and reached my own conclusions, and I didn't want to argue about it. There was no way to save much of a relationship with any of them, but I don't think any kind of debate would have helped much. I don't know. Your mileage may vary. But don't get drawn into a discussion you don't want to have. You can just say no, it's not up for discussion. Hope it all works out ok for you.

I'll try to encapsulate some background here, for some of you who don't know my story. I left xianity about 5 years ago, after years of questioning, and realized one day I truly no longer believe. I was married to a fundy and had (still have) 4 children. Fundy parents and husband were shocked and horrified at my unbelief. After a couple years of trying to make my marriage work, I finally divorced. I wanted to move on in life and find love someday and be in a relationship where I'm not looked down on as a colossal disappointment for using my mind and coming to different conclusions. I also wanted my ex to be able to find someone he's compatible with, and I knew I had to be the one to initiate the divorce, as he feels the bible prohibits believers from doing so. My parents never wanted to hear my side of anything, I was just the all-around bad guy, and after I started dating a couple years ago, they mostly cut me out of their lives (like not inviting me to family holidays, that sort of thing). I was in an unhealthy relationship and finally got out of that - big messy breakup, and then it took me a while to get my feet under me and become stronger on my own. It completely sucks not having had any love, understanding or support from my family who supposedly loved me unconditionally. But I found a steel core inside myself and got through the divorce, move, new job, full-time school, etc. etc. on my own. I'm a big girl and I don't need my parents anymore. I did what I needed to, to be true to myself and live this life by my own conscience. I have more recently started a new relationship, with a truly good man (an ex-c I met here years ago, in fact). We have so much in common, and understand each other and are growing a relationship built on a deep love and trust and friendship and respect. He is a better man, a better person, than anyone I've ever known. He was in a very similar situation, and after all the heartache we've been through, all the difficulty it took to stand up for ourselves and make the changes we needed to make in our lives, this love is SO good and true and healing, and we are in awe that we have made it through the horrid transitional upheaval and found happiness on the other side. We are good people, doing the best we can in life, and being honest and open with our families, and just living and loving and going about our business. Well, a while ago he came out to his fundy parents as an atheist (he has been for a few years but they didn't know that) and of course got the standard fundy answers "you're just mad at god, etc." and just recently now has told them about us. And they wrote back, full of sadness and warnings, etc. about this path in life. I knew they couldn't accept us, because according to their book (same as my parents) we're just adulterers, wandering away from god, angry, stupid, blinded, etc. etc. I won't say much more about it because it's more his story than mine, but DAMN. It still just stings that in this day and age, a couple of good-natured, intelligent, kind, adults are seen as so evil for following our hearts and finding love, and making our own decisions. I bet we could be criminals or druggies and we'd be more acceptable to them as long as we loved Jeebus. It's the same thing most of us are dealing with in some way or another. It sucks. It's still better than living a lie though. We are moving in together soon and plan to spend life as a couple and grow old together. We know there are no guarantees but that is our intent anyway. We're happy. That just pisses Christians off so bad. Twisted SOBs. As I said, we're big kids and don't need mommy and daddy's approval anymore, but it would be nice not to be treated like stupid evil people.

Oh...you're probably talking about lifespan. I thought you were implying homo sapiens died out. My bad...carry on.