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Everything posted by RachelSkates

  1. She is crazy. Xianity causes mental illness. Bipolar. How many xers I know who are bipolar! They want the carnal man things, but then they get all crazy because of guilt and shame and then it's you. RUN, man, RUN!! I know how feelings are. I fell in love with an Xer and AGAIN got so mentally fucked. They are crazy unless they are totally rich and comfy (Graham, Robertson). They are good because it all worked out for them. But when you get an xer and something does not work or make sense to them? OMG. NUTSO
  2. I am trying to leave. I am a hostage to my poverty and disability. There is no where to go and no funds to do so. I am disabled and shelters are very bad places for certain disabilities. There is no way out. Praise God for his love, of course. And making me disabled. As my Dad said (who is NOT disabled) "YOu have no right to question how God made you!" What I took from them is irredeemable, like those crazy families on the news.
  3. I was recently beat up by a family member. I sustained a concussion. While on the floor, not one family member came to my aid. After it happened, they went right against the Dr and said I did not have a concussion. No one even told the other person it was wrong to hit me. It had to go to court because I was hurt. I pressed charges and WOW, I WAS YELLED AT! "Who do you think you are?! Are you perfect! (________) is trying to get their life together and now YOU are messing that up!!" Not one person went with me to the hospital . Now it's all chaos. My parents are coming around a bit as long as I stay on the page and do NOT talk about it. But they also scoff a lot and say it's really not a concussion and when I show them the Dr report, no matter how many times, it's like a veil gets put over their eyes and they get all confused. My family has always been the ones to take the side of perps, like Chuck Colson. I think that is good and all, but what about the victims? It exotic to go into prison and bring around a hardened soul, but to them a simple, fragile victim is boring.
  4. Have any of you Lived By Faith and it ruined you? I was born disabled. My familiy conditioned me to live by faith and not logic, so now, here I am , with nothing, alone, bereft of helpers, and a life exactly as you would expect if someone only "LIVED BY FAITH" and did not even know how to prepare. I took many chances. I tried school. I tried working. I even married a man they had prepared for me who was a criminal because he was "God's Gift " to me. But it all failed because I was born with a bad disability. My family has no resources to help me, I have no help, all services are slashed. They, on the other hand, STILL tell me to trust God! It's insanity to even talk to them. If" I ever ask them how they think I would age without any help or resources, they just get angry. "If you aren't going to trust God, I can't help you!" kind of thing. They don't get it. I will die in a most hideous way as people do who have no help and no services for needs they cannot meet.
  5. Many. I think the worst was that God wanted me to marry a criminal.
  6. I have been fighting this for years. and I have discovered things which impede my recovery. Here they are: 1. I LOVED the delusion. I have lots of delusions because accepting that a man rose from the dead is just the beginning. Then your brain is trained to a phantom that loves you, even when you are being played with by a pedaphilie (true). Then your brain has to go all over the map to try to place that into the Proper Paradigm. When it can't, your brain starts to fill in the gaps and you go crazy. However, when I felt God loved me and all that, yeah, it felt good! I even had better health and more peace and all that. Even when I knew it was BS, I still had a parallel line running right next to it. "I know it's BS but GOd DOES LOVE ME. In short, religion drove me crazy. So if I am in it, it's great, away from it, the delusions are just different. PS Don't tell me to get mental health. I have no mental health insurance and already did pro bono 8 sessions and that is over. 2. Ancestry. My ancestors were put the sword for their faith. We had a lot of them in our family. As I grew up, we were always supposed to be different. It was like a cult, but not really. I know a lot of people were martyred back in the day, but if you have an unbroken succession of believers from that time, it changes the family line. We had genetics done and every single one of us has the double COMT mutation which brings about higher levels of dopamine (which can FACILITATE delusions). I am not so sure all that prayer and hocus pocus did not bring about a load of epigenetics to make it harder to leave it. It seems I WILL be delusional and so it's best to be happy deluded than bad deluded. 3. Family. My family is very, strongly insane. But what do you do when the "Accepted Delusion" prevails. It's odd to me that I am considered the mad one because I think God hates me but they are not considered delusional to think God loves them. The delusion aspects is "GOD" not if you think he loves or hates you. 4. Xianity did not work out for me alone. So in a sea of people, I am alone. I have one brother and one cousin who find it BS, but it's rough sailing.
  7. Good point. It was always a people or a specific person. Then Xers with their ego take that to mean God loves THEM and has a plan for THEM. Makes me sick, literally. It drovev me to madness from which I have never recovered.
  8. It triggered true mental illness in many people. It causes some of us to be delusional and why should it not? The entire premise is a mass delusion. You have to believe someone raised himself up from the dead! Once you get past that, well, the idea that God can do terrible things just cuz is a no brainer. I also have mental lllness from religion only I live in a country where there is almost no mental health care for certain populations. So I cannot get it treated. It is very hard because there is nothing I can do about it.
  9. THank you for that. The dis is bad and takes a lot of effort to manage it. So upand leaving is out. I am filled with rage that I was made this way and double rage because my parents left me to die like this. I left the house once and it took all I had. I had a friend who helped me but they moved. I was BEGGING with tears for them to sell, before the mine got bigger because I had the aquiisiton plan and saw it would be there for 50 years. I told them and begged with more tears than I ever had. Day after day and they just kept that goofy CHristian thing going.....Do you think the Lord will forsake you?? All that. And nothing. My dad just reads all day and my mom sleeps. Now they are threateoing to call the police beause now, after having to be forced beack into the SAME SITUAITON AND WORSE I am in hysteria. They think there is help but there is none and God won't help so they blame me. My dad calls me vile and my mom mocks me and says 600 trrucks don't matter because "You were ALREADY disabled! " As if it could not get worse. When they jmade me marry a man twice my age, they said the same thing after he beat the shit out of me "But you were ALREADY disabled!!! That can't make it worse!' They have this idea that because I was born disabled, it does not matter if I get rapes, kicked, beaten, homeless.....lilek I was their throw away child. I knew I was doomed and tried to kill myself at 15. They were all into trying to save my life at that time. But every year since that, they have shown me utter contempt. Once every blue moon, IF I AM GOOD AND PRAY WITH THEM and worship their monster and tow the line, they might say htye love me and they know I live htem. But one mess up, and it's all YOU WERE ALREADY SICK!!!!! YOU ARE VILE!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!!!!! SATAN WILL HELP yoU!!!!!! Now, I do hate them. I didn't up till now, but leaving me here to deal with this? I hate them.
  10. Thank you guys for the many solutions. It's so hard to live the life I have to live because it's a poor, disabled life in a town with a mine in my backyard, so 600 trucks blasting through every day and cant sell because house value went from like 80 grand to 20. So it's one of those things where you grind through every day. I have to leave the house to get away form the trucks, but my disability makes it hard to leave the house. I have hope of one day moving and that will be the moment I can start to heal. the beds shake and dishes rattle and the deilsel fumes are in the house and the whole life is getting an air pufier, wearing anew mask, battling the disabilty, looking for housing in a country that has none for people ike me, wondering why this happened to me and on it goes. On top of the memories of trauma. I can't even meditate because the trucks rattle so!!! And the fumes, omg the fumes............Where can peace be found? no t here
  11. They are horrendous. Bedbugs, stabbings, threats, you risk your life going in there. And they are rude. Unless you are the class clown and love htem when they treat you like shit.
  12. Hmmm. That is actually an option. Don't know what to do after a month. The trouble with that is that my disabilty is very hard to manage and doing anything to fuck it up is so risky becuase once it's off, it can take months to fix. But I may do that.
  13. Because I was born with a disability and even though shelters say they are dis friendly, they are not. And those that are treat you like shit. Like a nursing home and even worse becase they are not getting paid.
  14. That is not what the trouble is. The trouble is I live in places where I expereince high levels of stress, like a mining operation for one. Can't move. not money, so no sleep etc and makes me sick. Two is that the religious part won't leave and I fear it ........three, no support, no money, no job, no income, no friends, no partner.......family that cannot help, though I love them. Physical illness (neuro and genetic) and truly, I have hung on more than anyone I know would. I have been through it on top of being born diasabled. Abuse by clergy and hten partner abuse and then more and more....................it never stops. I believe in god only because all these things would not have happened without one to hate me. My therapist, when I had that pro bonon one, just laughed, "It never stops with you, does it" My last partner spent a lot of time laughing about my life being a cabaret. And funny, it can get even worse. I am about a week from being homeless. Then I will die.
  15. I live in the US. I do not have any mental health insurance. I tried for over a year and got 5 sessions with a pro bono therapists. When it came to meds, even she could not find me a psychiatrists. There is literally NO mental health care when you have no mental health insurance in US. Parity was a joke.
  16. How did you do it? I have no mental health insurance. I have had pro bono for a few sessions in crisis times, but nothing much. I have self helped my self into a state of confusion. I bought the BDT handbook and read the text, too. It was OK and helped for a while, but then it all went to hell again. I also read a book on ACT and learned CBT on vids. But whatever is in my head laughs at it. So far, no dice.
  17. The loss of hope. The realization that now I have to live with this disability and no one will help me. Having put all my faith in a Lie, I now have nothing and am still disabled. My fmaily cannot help me. They wasted over $200,000 on tithing over the years and I am left in a trash heap and no money from anywhere. Disbled and poor in america= death. That is hard enough but to look back and see how I was used, fooled, trusting, how of all people, I was this little tiny disabled waif trusting with my whole heart. I could turn Christ himself away from Christ now with the testimony of my life and his lack of any help. I have the most powerful anti testimoney of anyone I knoew because i needed him, I trusted him, I did what he told me (like marry a man who had actually violated my mom-----that is how sick we are) and all that........ALL FOR GOD. And I got shit. It would have been ok to have gotten nothng, but I am such severe PTSD on top of it that there is no thought I ever have that is asscoiated with any peace whatsoever AND AND AND I STILL AM DISABLED with a disablity whcih takes loterally all my time to manage. I have to wake up at 4am to start to manage it, and it 's rough all day. ANd no help. No hope. No peave. Praise his holy fucking name.
  18. I do it, too. Our brains are fried, no doubt. Be well and be at peace.
  19. Marcus Aurelius believed in the Daimon, the idea we each have a personal god, but his was not like Socrates as much as it was "Reason" I love the stoics. I wish I had been bred on that instead of poison.
  20. I find no comfort in life. SInce I realized the truth, I am very close to suicide. It was the only thing that kept me going because The Monster made me disabled. So now, there is no hope and no reason. So I still do the things that brought me comfort. I hated the music, but it made me feel comfort. I still listen to a lot of Jeremy Camp because it brings my mind back into that place I need in order not to cut my throat. Do you all do things like this just to stay alive????
  21. I am at a loss. My life revolved aorund God so now I have no idea how to communicate. I am the crazy lady on the street corner wearing funny clothes. I am not kidding. No one talks to me anyway. I am one step from the shelter. I talk to myself. BElive me, I was fragile before, but it exploded after being abused by a man in our church. Never recvovered. So I really have no idea. I wish I had a friend to even try to comfort, but I have no friends. The Mighty One threw me into a pit and left me there. No friend shere.
  22. Exactly. Why do we delude ourselves? What is it in human nature that refuses Occams' Razor?
  23. OMG this is the most annoying thing. And it shows how disconnected we are to our fellow humans. LIke when someone punches you and says THAT DIDn'T HURT! You know hte old, "I didn't feel a thing! I used to care but I am trying not to now. Those people are insane. That is all. Survivor guilt they don't know what to do with. People should shut their mouths.
  24. OMG. This is what torments me. The inner voice. For me, it turned it on and i CANNOT SHUT IT OFF. All day, "You suck! I hate you!! YOu are a lie!! You are such a piece of shit" LIterally all day. SOmetimes it is toward God. Other times toward me. It is so bad it is almost a voice I can hear. It's not at that point, but I am afraid it will be. It has bled over into my life now. If I hear a song, it sticks in my head, or an ad or whatever. A running comentary all day. Yeah, it's mental illness, I know that. That makes me even more angry. God watched me go crazy and sat there and watched it. Too bad I am just a little bundle of carbon. The amount of hate I have could cure world hunger. I would not wipe out a group of people like God does. People who go around acting like God (killing pelpe) are idiots. I would use it to help if I could. But I am powerlss.
  25. Those are harrowing stories and I can so relate. The other trouble is that life is short and by pinning your long term hopes on a fantasy, you cut of opportunity. We have to start building a life around age 20. You can't have it all on hold till 50 and think God will now swoop in and give you all the things you missed because you were in a cult. So half of it is that it cuts you off from rational choices and you live on "Faith". I was in a cult which honoured poverty and trust and all that. Well now, I am alone, poor, ill and m y life is actually the greatest testimony of hte bullshit of God as I have ever seen. I tried to witness once and a friend cut me off and said, "Rachel, whatever God YOU worship is a God I want NOTHING to do with!!!" I was trying to show I was holding in there because of God's Grace and all and to them, my life was a scary and painful nightmare. They said in one sentence what I never saw. I was in my own head, grappling with God, thinking I was being strong in his love. But to an outsider? What a pathetic life!!!!! I only stick around because I have fmaily who loves me. Believe it or not, I really do.
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