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Margee

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Margee last won the day on April 21

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About Margee

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    'Madame Eve'

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    Female
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    Learning how to be an ex-Christian and be comfortable with it!
    This is my 'Please Forgive Me' letter - It is my testimony and I hope it helps someone....You'll have to copy and paste.

    http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/
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    Hi! I've come to you for a little help. I was a 'Fundi' for 30 years. I took the bible literally. The more I studied, the more questions I had. I became known as the 'pastors worst nightmare'. I asked too many questions. They (the church) continued to tell me just to have faith. It's been 3 years since I've gone to church. Nobody knows how I feel. How do you tell your friends and family that you don't believe anymore?

    It's been a long time coming. It all started when I read Charles Templeton's book,''Farewell To God-My Reasons For Rejecting Christianity''.(He was Billy Grahams dearest friend) His book answered just about every question that I ever asked when I belonged to the church, but they would not answer because they couldn't. I even went as far as having 3 phone conversations with Charles before he died and he sent me his autographed book.

    I have bargained, begged, cried, screamed and 'prayed' for God to give me the 'sign' that 'he' exists and it has not happened. I have prayed to 'him' in agony I've said to 'him', 'Don't you see, you're ready to lose me, don't you care'? I have gone as far as leaving letters to 'him' under my pillow (to reveal himself to me in a dream) so 'he' could see how sincere I am! How's that for being crazy?

    Sincere is what I have been! And I'm darn angry now!

    I started to study websites like 'evil bible.com' and 'Why God won't heal amputees?' I have dabbled with the law of attraction, psychics, astrology, energy fields, and every new age 'thing' a person could try to find a faith that might be more reliable than the christian god.

    If I ever even dreamt that I would be writing this letter.... The girl who studied her bible for years - I would have told you that the devil had complete control of me! I tried and tried and tried to make sense of this for all these years. I have heard horror stories of 'suffering' even within our own community of the church (let alone the whole world) and I always asked this God ; ''Why-Why-Why, can't you do something?? Can you not see what's happening down here? Can't you see how cruel nature can be? Don't you see what all these 'Holy Books' are doing to people down here? Can't you see the rapes, murders - the insanity of it all?''

    How does one deal with the pain of no God? My search is almost over - but - what now? So I don't believe in God anymore.... What now? How does one deal with this? I've read that some of you are 'free'. I don't feel that way. No afterlife - no seeing my only sister who died 13 years ago - no seeing mom or dad? No reward for trying to be so good all these years? How does one deal with this 'Dark Night of The Soul''?

    Thank you so much. Sincerely, Margee

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Non-Believer

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  1. Welcome to Ex-c Luke. Glad you are here with us and hope you will share lots more with us! Sounds like you got the intellect we need to hear from! Don't you be shy!! Lol Seriously, welcome!
  2. @Myrkhoos........This.^ When I joined this site I was exactly the same way. Full of rage. Full of grief. And I cried a lot. As soon as the shock wore off (and it took awhile) that I had been told a lie about the bible being a 'literal' book, I slowly became 'free' from the grips of having to please 'the gods' and all the people. I still like people to care and I am still a caring person....but if you don't like me...Oh well.....it won't end my world. It takes time. Start small. Start saying, ''no thanks' to something small. Then do it again. It starts to get easier. If you get rejected, just feel that feeling. You won't die. You will become truly free if you get to the point that you don't give a 'rats ass' if people approve of you or not. It will happen for you . Keep posting.
  3. I still love magic. I like to pretend I am writing my own life story now and am watching it unfold and it does seem like synchronicities keep happening...... It's fun!
  4. Margee

    Hello all!

    Welcome to Ex-c WillT. Looking forward to hearing more of your story!
  5. @LogicalFallacy So sorry, I missed this hon. Just pinned it for you!
  6. Hang in there, sweetheart. Take a deep breath. A lot of us when we arrived here at Ex-c were so confused, we didn't know which way to turn. You have been through a lot. You need time to sort things out. If I were you (while I was in the hospital) I would read as much on this site in the ''Testimonies'' and ''Ex-Christian life'' as you can and you will soon see how many of us have handled the different traumas and problems in our lives. And you will also see the problems with our believing christian family and friends and how we are handling it. You need to see that you are not alone. Just read and don't try to figure it all out right now. All you need to do right now is let the hospital stabilize you. Then you can begin to sort things out when you are feeling better. Don't try to 'fix' anything right now. Don't try to convince anyone right now of why you have become a non-believer. Come back here when you get out and post, post, post all your feelings and fears. Most of us can relate. You are not alone. Get healthy for your son. Get healthy for you. Non-believers are a minority and we are generally out-numbered by believers everywhere. So don't fret. You are not alone in this!! The number of non-believers is growing every day. New members arrive here all the time in such confusion. ( I was one of them) So don't try to convince anyone of anything. (unless you can find a non-believer therapist in the hospital) Stay as calm as you can and come back here and we might be able to help you sort things out. Don't even try to convince your husband of anything right now. Breathe honey. Losing your faith is like a death. It was for me also. You are grieving many things right now. You are grieving the loss of your god and that can be scary. I couldn't imagine what life would be without a god?? I had to go through a huge grieving period before I could get my head together completely. I personally made many mistakes when I was a christian and I had to grieve all of that also. But I stayed with this site for several years now... and now religion has lost its power over me and I live a functional life. More functional than I have ever been in my life. And I have forgiven myself for all the mistakes I made during the time I was a christian. Some struggle for a while and some come through it fairly easy. You keep reading. Stay away from anything that will confuse you more. We here at Ex-c understand most of what you are going through. So hang tight and get better. Rest your weary mind for a while. I give you the biggest hug in the world today. ((hug)) P.S...... and yes....you may curse all you want!!
  7. I just moved this to ''General Christian Theological Issues'' because it is a wonderful topic for all ex-christians. Carry on.... And Welcome to Ex-c adelena4luv! So happy to have you here with us!
  8. Here, this will make you want to throw up. Once upon a time, When I belonged to the church, I thought this was 'cute'........
  9. R.C. Let them have it. Just try to breathe at this point. Just stay calm. Put earplugs in. Put on your phony smile and shake a few hands. You'll look mature. Go somewhere later (come here and rant your guts out) and scream. You can't change them. These services are all the same. In a few days, it will all be over with and you won't have to listen the bullshit any longer and you'll have presented yourself like the fine man you are... Sometimes hun, silence is golden. You can do this. You got this. We're here for you. ((hug))
  10. Welcome hyperion! I also smelled something fishy from my first meeting...the night I got saved. I knew in my heart that I was getting into something that wasn't me. But it was so fun? The music was intoxicating. The people swayed back and forth. They clapped their hands and danced all around the church. It looked so real. It sounded so real. They were so sincere. How could 1,500 in that church be wrong?? And then they told me (after I got saved that night) that god had 'special' plans for my life. What? Me? I'm in!! Didn't matter anymore if that uncomfortable feeling was there. I put it on the shelf and became a religious zealot until, many years later, when my logical brain started to kick in, I took the uncomfortable feelings and started to investigate the whole thing. I was one that always easily got sucked in when I was young. (not now/god forbid) I really started to pay attention.... and ask too many questions..... and became the pastors worst nightmare... until 30 years later..I knew in my heart I got hooked in a cult. And deep, deep down.... always questioning the bible.....probably from day one. But as I said, there was a huge period of many years where I truly asked the lord into my life at least 100 times because I never felt like I did it right the first time!!!
  11. Here's one of my favorites from the psalms: New Living Translation''Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks!''
  12. I'm going to continue cause I got a few more words to say if you don't mind. We spend our whole childhood and adolescence being brainwashed by parents, friends, teachers or whoever made 'suggestions' to us like you have to be a really good boy and don't do that - don't do this - or people will think ''such and such about you''. Everything was done so you looked exactly like the neighbors in your town or city. We were ALL ''Stepford Wifes'.' So we tried to be perfect. We tried to get along with everyone in the school. If we got in a fight and were angry cause someone called us a name, we were shamed. Shame on this school mark. Shame on your loud voice. Shame on you that you are shy and can barely speak to someone. Shame on your anger. Shame on you touching your body. Shame on you for the way you talked to that lady. Shame on you that you touched that girl or guy and got caught by your parents. Shame on you for trying smoking, toking, alcohol, etc.... Shame on you for being born such a sinner. Jesus, we suffered guilt for all of this, so shame was taking us on a fucking journey to perfectionism. And that included trying to please every person in our tribe. So their duty back then was to try and 'perfect' us and brainwash us to the way they thought it should be. And all this time......god, himself was watching you.... and you might just go to his hell. If this isn't enough to make you crazy as a child and adolescence. No wonder so many of us get hooked on jesus. If we please him and he takes all our sin away, we are free, right? But we kept messin' up. Kept sinning. Fuck ups we were. Not even good enough for god. Failure. The nails in his hands did not work. I say this tonight to you so can hopefully learn to be completely comfortable in your own skin. This is so important. Be you...it's all inside you. If people don't like you then let them go. You only need a friend or two for good support. I personally do not want a lot of people in my life. I like being by myself also. Don't let the approval of other people stand in the way of you becoming comfortable in your own body. And you don't have to be mean about it. You can be kind. Try not to hurt anyone in the process. Be easy on you. You're human. You need to survive. Drop all perfectionistic expectations that you have bound yourself up in and expect of yourself. You are too hard on yourself right now. You have to learn how to do this slowly. That is why I say, ''take your time''. Hang loose for a change. Break free, my friend from the squirrels that are running around in your mind. Go fishing. Lift weights. Read a book. Post here. Take pictures. Rest. Once you get all of this, you will be a truly free man. And take your time. The grass is not always greener on the other side. But sometimes it is. So don't do anything right now. Think this all through. *Then you can move away if you want *you can stay at your job and smile and not feel like a traitor (remember, you are working for them - they give the paycheck and you can't help that you don't believe the same things as them.) Hush for now until you know exactly what you are going to do. If you have to bow your head and sign a paper and it's a white lie, be OK with that if you're going to stay. god is not going to punish you. *You can do anything you want. florduh made a few good suggestions. *This is your life I'm sorry for my ramblings tonight. But I finally got free after 10 years on this site and I want to share what I have learned. (hugs) to all of you for helping me.
  13. Welcome IP. I feel as if you've made a great breakthrough by just posting this. It's the beginning of you being honest about who you are. Yes, it's confusing. Yes, your head is probably swimming. But it's the start of you putting your true feelings down on 'paper'. What would you like to do if you could? Can you get out of this without having to admit all your true feelings about not being a believer?... because you don't owe anyone anything. You've given them a fabulous, reliable worker and they have provided a paycheck for you. Everybody is nice to each other...right? You don't owe big, long discussions if you decide to leave. It's your business. You can just say you need to move on and do something else...even if that means taking a break from all of it until you decide what you want to do. I don't like change either. My job has always been too loud and busy for my personality but I continued in it because I was good at it and I was afraid of change. So I made the best of it. I would have preferred to work in a quiet library without much interaction with people. But I only discovered that I am way more introverted than extroverted in my older years. The thing is you do not have to make any decisions today. You have written your feelings out and that's a start. Go easy on yourself. Maybe take up a pleasurable hobby while you figure things out. It's OK to distract yourself...it will help to calm you. Post here. You have no 'god' to answer to. You are not a bad person because you got stuck in a church job. You are not a traitor. You just don't want to hurt anyone. That's a nice quality. It's OK to be an introvert. It's OK to like being by yourself. It's OK to not let the ''cat out of the bag'' as far as your nonbelief goes. You can keep it from your mother if you don't want to hurt her. You're OK just the way you are. You just need to find something that makes you feel more content. I feel that our human default is about 'survival' (that's why our jobs are important to us) and that happiness is moments of contentedness where we can get away from the mundane work that we have to do to survive. Most jobs become mundane after you do them for a while. So take your time and don't be hard on yourself. Come back and post and maybe we can guide you by making a few suggestions. We are here for you. Breathe. It's going to be OK. (hug)
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