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Jose

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Everything posted by Jose

  1. I went to Ben's Celebration of Life (read: Nontraditional Funeral) yesterday. I was struck by how little of his life was represented... maybe it was because his extended family was going to be there, or not to offend those who didn't know him better, or for some other reason I can't fathom. The fact is, Ben's life wasn't just running and biking and bass guitar and playing with kids. Ben's life, for a long time, was darkness and pain and drugs and brutal music played loud and lyrics for songs that scared people and hatred and prejudice and alienating people and a constant struggle to matter, to be important, to be alive. Ben was my best friend for a long time. He was the person who knew me best in the whole world. He knew me better than my parents, he knew me better than any girl I was ever with, he knew who I was at my core and while he didn't always like who I was, he always accepted me because he knew I accepted him. We had our troubles, like any friends, sometimes we'd just avoid each other for a few days and then pretend whatever it was didn't happen, sometimes it would be a few weeks and we'd have to shake hands, forgive each other, and then pretend it didn't happen. The one thing we never did was talk about our feelings, we knew we were important to each other, but it never had to be a "thing." Even our last falling out wasn't complete... we'd still see other on message boards that we both frequented. We talked like nothing was wrong, but it was better online than in person and we both knew it. When we decided to form a band while we were working together we were pretty signing off on being crammed up each others' asses for 12 to 16 hours a day six days a week and neither one of us minded. Disembodied Voices never went anywhere professionally, but we made a CD and played shows - Hell, we headlined a show at the Eclipse in 2006 and it was fucking awesome and still one of my best memories. I got my first tattoo because of a DV song and after he was done making fun of me, Ben admitted that it looked cool. I can feel myself starting to ramble, but I guess what I want to say is this: All those things that made parts of Ben's life verboten at a family gathering are the things I miss about him. Whether we were sitting around writing music or just shooting the shit after practice, whether we were out at a club dancing or homeless in New Orleans sleeping on park benches, we were friends. That's what I'll miss the most. Having someone there, or even just out in the world somewhere else, that could be my touchstone. Someone who knew me. Someone who accepted the fact that I was never going to be like him or, hell... even listen to his advice. I miss you, Ben. I wish you could know how much. Sleep well, my friend.
  2. Never thought I'd see the day Mule would be on Ex-Christian. I'll follow you over to the other board, brother. Thanks for looking for me and I'm glad you found me.
  3. Benjamin Matthew Wright WRIGHT Benjamin Wright, 38, passed away on February 22, 2014 in Jacksonville, FL. He was born on October 6, 1975 to Mark and Joan Wright in Terre Haute, Indiana. Benjamin grew up in Orange Park, Florida and attended Orange Park High School. He went on to earn a degree in Information Technology from The University of Phoenix. He worked as a Senior Communications Technician for JEA. Ben is survived by his parents Mark and Joan Russell Wright of Orange Park, sisters Christine Wright and Renee Wright, his fiancé Amy and her daughter Mia Sumerlin, and a very large, loving extended family. A Celebration of Life will be held at Club Continental, 2143 Astor Street, Orange Park, FL 32073, on Friday February 28, 2014 from 12:00 pm to 4:00 pm.
  4. Just this. This is helping a lot. Thanks, Margee.
  5. Rationally, I know that. And I'm not trying to make this about me. A lot of people on this board were friends with him. It's a group loss, not just mine. I guess I'm still just shocked. It changes the way you see the world... there's NOT always time to say the things you want to say to someone. I knew that before, but fuck...
  6. I wish we had. I kind of kept up with what was going on with him through mutual friends and reading his blog and I was glad to see him finally getting his life together (or so it seemed). I had been giving serious thought to reaching out, but you'd have to really know how Ben and I interacted to understand why I didn't. I never wished bad things on him though and I'm not ashamed to say that this hit me really hard despite having not spoken with him in a while. We worked together at multiple jobs, we were homeless vagrants together, we ran websites together, we got thrown out of nice places together, we were in bands, we toured together, we got banned from this very board together (lol, Nivek)... I mean, I knew Ben as well as I've ever known anyone and I don't think there's anyone alive right now, including my family, that knows me as well as Ben did once upon a time. It's hard losing a touchstone like this. Even though I hadn't talked to him in a while, he was still out there, somewhere, and I figured (wrongly), that one day I'd see him out somewhere, we'd shake hands, have a beer, and catch up with each other. It's rough knowing that that's never going to happen now. And the worst part is, I can't help but feeling like I abandoned him, like if I had just sent him a message a few weeks ago when I first wrote one (and then deleted it), that this wouldn't have happened. This sucks. I'm crying and feel like a pussy.
  7. We had a falling out in 2008, mostly due to that dark side of his. I have very few regrets, but today I added another one - that I didn't try to reconcile with him sooner. Cheers, Ben.
  8. Our old board friend, and my high school best friend, Foxy Methoxy (Benjamin M. Wright), committed suicide late Saturday night/ early Sunday morning. He struggled with depression his whole life and it finally got the better of him this weekend. He had recently completed his degree, gotten engaged, and had a new job that he loved, so it doesn't make sense from the outside, but those of you who knew him knew about his darker side and it seems that it finally got to be too much for him despite his life seeming to finally be on track. If you never got a chance to speak with him while he was on the board, take a look at his old posts. He had a lot of things to say and he said them very well. The world is dimmer for his absence. Jose Valdes
  9. “She would have been a good woman,” The Misfit said, “if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.” from A Good Man is Hard to Find, by Flannery O'Connor Probably one of my favorite quotes in the world.
  10. Well, it took them about the same amount of time it would take to carry a baby to full term, but I have an official response. The response is, "Fuck you, no."
  11. Jose

    Grow Up.

    It's weird to sit there and talk to someone about dying with dignity when they keep saying that the reason they won't actually suicide is because they're afraid of hell. I figure it's way too late to have the "there is no hell" talk with her, so I've kept my mouth shut, but I'm about 20% of the way to asking her if I should bring her a bottle of pain pills and hold her hand while she goes.
  12. Jose

    Grow Up.

    So, I figured I'd post this here as an update... My mother is on her way out. I went by the hospital and saw her for the first time since I originally posted this topic. She broke her arm, hip, and clavicle in a bad fall and has had several bad reactions to medications they gave her for pain and swelling. She is completely bedridden, which prompted her to be all melodramatic (like she does) and she mentioned suicide. They prompted restrained her and now she has been involuntarily committed a Behavioral Health Center. I figured it was a cry for attention, but I'm guessing she really has just given up and is about to check out. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. I do get to drive her giant luxury car while she's in the hospital, so bonus on that front.
  13. My experience crossing into Canada... of course, this was back a'ways... "What is the purpose of your visit, ya hoser?" "Work." "What company, eh?" "AT&T." "Aboot how long do you plan to stay?" "Three months. Here's my passport." "I don't need that, ya silly yank. Enjoy your stay, right?"
  14. I thought you were talking about the band fronted by Genesis P-Orridge.
  15. I have an only slightly-unrelated-to-the-topic-at-hand question for you, directionless. What was it about being psychologically vulnerable to which you attribute your descent into religiosity? Was it the hallucinations? Was it full-blown psychosis? Did you just suddenly KNOW? What was it that drew you to belief while you were (for lack of a better word) crazy? Part of the reason I ask is because my ex, during her descent into paranoid delusion and schizophrenia, became... almost overnight... much more religious. She was consistently apathetic about any sort of spirituality for the 17 years I was with her and then, within a couple of weeks of her psychotic break, she thought demons were controlling me, was calling churches asking for exorcisms to get rid of the 'devils' infesting our house, believed STRONGLY in the divinity and historicity of Jesus, and other trappings of religion, but without the background that I had (she was brought up in an atheist household, so everything she knew about religion, she learned from me ranting about it). Are you on anti-psychotics? If so, perhaps a change in dosage would result in a paradigm shift in your belief structure?
  16. I got it, Stryper. As far as I'm concerned, you're playing to an audience of me.
  17. I can Catholic Poe like a motherfucker if you just want to argue...
  18. I know some guys who are working at pleasing god...
  19. I enjoyed the Non-Prophets podcast way more than the Atheist Experience. It's probably because I enjoy Jeff Dee's rants more than Matt's. If you've never heard the Non-Prophets... seriously, listen to the archives. It's amazing.
  20. I'm too cruelly honest to ever be in that situation, but I feel bad for you. One of the things she doesn't have to deal with that you have as a problem (that seems to be bugging you a lot) is HER. Since it's a problem with an obvious solution, I say you apply the solution to the problem and get on with your life without being belittled.
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