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  1. Hi and thank you in advance for welcoming me into this community; I have to say that after having “been a christian” for over 26 years that I could have never conceived of myself writing an “anti-testimony”. I know that I am ready to share it with you though. Like many others that I have read, I was raised in a family who had no particular religious affiliation. My dad referred to God “reverently” as “the Man Upstairs”. My mother was raised by a Catholic woman; her own mother and father separated when she was 5 and she and her two sisters lived with her mom (and several men that her mom “knew”) until my mom was 15. Dad was an alcoholic and gambler; Mom (bless her heart she passed away in September) really had not much more than “us kids” in her life. I had “heard the voice of God” at a young age; about 10 and wrote a “letter to Jesus” fashioned after the 23rd Psalm; showed it to my mom and she said “that's nice dear”. There was so much emotional disconnectedness in our family; love was mainly OBLIGATION to the family. I did not attend church or have any “religious training” at all until close to age 17 when I started to attend a Presbyterian church within walking distance from our home. I wanted someplace to sing after having graduated from high school. I made social connections but never 'felt a belonging' there. The Pastor even called me their “lost sheep”. I knew where I was!!! I was NOT “in” the church but I was NOT lost either; this enraged and sickened me at the same time. I heard “the voice” several times after that with “prophetic words” to confirm that I was “doing or thinking” right and on the “right path”. I did not yet consider myself a christian though. A year later I met my current husband; my First Love, he and I fell in love and dated with every intention of marrying. I had had a “miraculous conversion”; events that brought together many things of interest and people who I had not seen for a while, etc...He and I had some “on again-off again” times in our relationship and when I “gave my life to Jesus”, I told my NOW husband...he was very concerned that I was “showing him the door” when I KNEW that I loved him and would not leave him because I was a christian and he wasn't. He is very much an Agnostic and was “trained by the Jesuits”...I had not yet been SO indoctrinated to DISMISS him or our relationship because of being “unequally yoked”...we were “biblically married” and I loved him...We were tragically torn apart after 4 years; not to see each other again for over 25 years. We both were “lost” without each other. He came back a few times to find me but I was already “involved” with my next “husband”. I rebounded into the arms/bed and marriage to a “friend” who was waiting in the sidelines. He was “a christian”. Married to him for 7-8 years, divorced, no kids. We ministered in churches in music; we both sang and many said that I was "anointed" so this really drew me into further ministry. I was happily single until NO.#2 (literally; an a**wipe; we call him) came along with his daughter. He was a “good Christian”; not like the porn addicted one that I married at first. No, I found out that he is personality disordered and had abused me in nearly EVERY form one way or the other...a “real good christian” eh? I had graduated from college shortly after my husband and my break up happened; I got a good full time employment with benefits and had even already made a 2-week mission trip to France with support of the church that I was attending at the time. All during marriage to No. 1, singlehood-again and marriage to No. #2, I would have DREAMS of my current husband/First Love. Being that I was “a christian”, I felt and believed that I could NOT go back to him; if I were to remarry it would only be to another christian. I nearly left No. #2 a few years after our son was born...I “stuck with it” though he was more controlling and was NOT interested in being held accountable for his behavior toward me by any person or church. I tried to “live a good christian life” in an abusive marriage. I was in denial about still loving my First Love, I was in denial that both Christian husbands had failed miserably at being “any christian leader” in my life and the greatest denial came from CONSISTENT bad advice from “christians” to “not leave” my abusive husband. OH and they threw in “it is a sin” to be thinking about my current husband when I was married to another...argh!!!! My Love is the one who did not deserve to be replaced by two others. He also married twice; knowing and more fully aware that they "were not me" and not in the massive denial that I was still in at the time. Breaking the denial took YEARS and events that I did NOT want to face. I did not want to believe and I did not want to accept as “my life”. It was as if I had been chasing something all my life that did not exist; the elusive butterfly; I would run after it and “call it God”...I was happy. “God” was with me in everything. I finally starting breaking through the denial about the abuse and abusive Christianity and my son and I left and got a place of our own; knowing that divorce would probably follow and I was fine with that since my now EX refused any “sensible marriage counseling” and totally DENIED any abuse toward me. I was DONE. I wasn't praying any longer for his healing, our reconciliation, etc. I accepted WHAT WAS and called it BS!!!! But I lived with my decisions from that moment on; to DIVORCE him and move on...I lived singly and was pretty happy. I had worked through healing from the abuse to detach and find myself again. I was being creative and had written and recorded songs in the church and sang in a classical chorale for six years. I had just started beaded jewelry making and creating vision boards which helped me greatly. I knew that ANOTHER divorce to ANOTHER christian was coming and I even said that “I WILL NOT marry again” but after having written a song for my husband (kind of like a goodbye I hope to see you in Heaven someday song), I realized that I would not marry anyone BUT HIM but that was still not an opportunity. I had DREAMT of him and I being “single” at the same time; even through my “christian filter” I knew that I still loved him. Early 2011, I had a tragedy at my workplace where one of the employees died suddenly. She fell and went into a coma. I sat at my desk and CRIED; cried for her, her family, my workplace and for my current husband; who I was shocked into thinking about; afraid that if I did not get in touch with him that I could “lose him forever” and I was NOT willing to live with that possibility. I looked him up on the web and found that he was single (!!!) and I jumped for joy and that his mother had passed (4 years before but by her age I thought it was about 7 months prior) and I felt that THIS was our chance. Yes, I knew that he was not a christian and I didn't care. I have loved him all these years. I contacted him telling him that I was “still married but divorcing” and we reunited gloriously. He was concerned that I would leave him because he was not a christian and he knew that I had been ALL those years. He came with me to my church and “heard the sermon” and “got preached at” by Pastor...and all I could say was “I LOVED him BEFORE I became a christian”. That was in Feb. 2011. He asked me to marry him, again, and I resigned from my work, relocated and then my son came with us after the end of his school year. We had a wonderful time together but I was “still stuck” in the mythos and all the obligations and “how could I be sleeping in his bed when I am married to another?” and all the horrible guilt provoking thoughts that intermingled with the ecstasy of being with him again... Honestly, I don't know EXACTLY when I became an EX christian. It is not that I do not love the image or man of Jesus; I still think he is wonderful but I understand that God is SO MUCH BIGGER than what I thought and that the christian mythos is just one of A VERY LONG LINE of ways to explain the unexplained/unexplainable. I started to reluctantly watch the Joseph Campbell's PBS series on Myths...awesome. I was understanding that my “little truth” was JUST THAT...LITTLE. I started to read some Thomas Moore “Soul mates” and “Care of the Soul”...I could see that I was “branching out from the christian mindset” because these two names were TABOO and we were NOT allowed to question and think about life, god and ourselves OUTSIDE of the “Jesus box”. I think it was about August...my mom had been diagnosed with cancer, and in hospice care since June. She lived out of state and was in good hands but it grieved me to lose her in September. My sister “the christian” sorely and irrevocably demeaned and disrespected me during this loss and I have no contact with her since. I mourned. Being that she was cremated, her ashes being scattered in another state, my wishes disregarded altogether, I withdrew from my family; my dad (in a nursing home), sister, brother... I talked alot with my husband about this; I cried and was angry that I was “having to deal” with all of this but KNOWING that I had made some very good decisions and I was happy with them and happy where I was at in my life with my First Love. When did I KNOW that I was an EX christian? I think when I could SEE another christian's DELUSION that I was starting to see the denial and delusion breaking down in my life...it felt freeing, it is so odd to even say that but I know that it is true.I know that when my mom died, I no longer could lean upon “I will see her in Heaven” as my consolation. I felt that I had had “heaven on earth” with her as my mom. I don't know exactly "how I got here" but I think that I have wanted to be here (at this place in my life) for a VERY long time.
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