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This is my first post. I really appreciate everyone in this forum for their honesty and thoughtfulness. In a nutshell: I am questioning everything I have believed, but mostly I think coming to terms with everything I already knew or suspected all along. As background information: I haven't just played church. I have taken it as truth and truly believed it almost my entire life. In fact, I am currently leading the two small groups/meetings in my church that have to most life in them. It's complicated to say the least I'm not an artistic person by nature...mostly left brained...but here's an unfinished poem that wrote itself in a few minutes: Through smoke and mirrors and rope a dope I doubled down till I was broke My willing mind would not retreat I could not see my own deceit Kept in check by analogies From me to them and back to me And metaphors that seemed to fit And accolades from wit to wit All that was good was counted for All that was not was just ignored But not from lies or ill intent Just an effort to pay the rent On what we all believed to be The truth of what we could not see When all we knew never revealed itself to me, the deal was sealed I am shipwrecked as they would say Because I chose to walk away