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Showing results for tags 'suffering'.
So, some of you may know I have become increasingly ill over the last few years and my suffering seems to have made it impossible to believe in the Lard. It turns out that my problem has a simple solution: gluten. I probably have celiac disease or at a minimum have a severe case of non-celiac gluten sensitivity. I have been so sick over the past 10 years in particular that I have wanted to off myself—that’s how sick I was. My symptoms—which I have had lifelong but that have severely worsened over the past 10 years—are atypical and resist diagnosis. So, I am baffled. I can’t figure out why the Lard never gave me a heads up about the simplicity of this problem/solution. Instead, my illness has driven me into the ground emotionally, psychologically, relationally, and yes, spiritually. At one point I even 'released' my husband, as he was going through hell with my illness too. He never left me, but I wanted him to be free of me. Why couldn’t Gawd have, in a prayer meeting, told someone about the source of my problem ("Hmmm. This is odd. I am getting a picture of a loaf of bread." or "Hmmm. Weird. The word "gluten" keeps coming to me.") Instead, I have suffered immense pain and hardship and existential despair, and have been two drugs away from being on welfare. I have been rendered infertile through this undiagnosed disorder, leading to further suffering. (Christbots blame me for my inability to conceive and my miscarriage--it's sin in my life, dontchaknow!) If the Lard had mentioned the whole gluten thing, I’d have steered clear and been able to procreate and wouldn't have been such an ill person over the last decade. I have been so sick I have wanted to die. The chronic pain drove me to atheism--not out of anger at Gawd, but simply because I believe chronic pain actually destroyed the neural pathways that support the possibility of faith. I feel like I literally lack the capacity for faith. Oh wait, maybe he did mention the gluten thing? Now I remember! When I was 6, I was listening to a Simon and Garfunkel album. “Ce-celiac, you’re breakin’ my heart…” Goddamit! Why didn’t I pick up this message?????? At the age of 6, was my heart so hardened already that I couldn’t hear the Werd of the Lard????? Well then, it's my own damn fault! God-fucking-dammit! At least I feel great now. I have my life back!! I feel GREAT! Thanks to no one but myself and my atheist/agnostic friends and my tireless search for solutions. And have I mentioned that I don’t miss the lunacy of being a fundagelical charismaniac nutter? It. Doesn’t. Work. So, to quote Alanis Morisette: Thank you India, thank you terror Thank you disillusionment Thank you frailty, thank you consequence Thank you, thank you silence The moment I let go of it was The moment I got more than I could handle The moment I jumped off of it was The moment I touched down I am free, at last. I am at peace. And the world is kinder than I anticipated it would be. There is life after faith. And it is good. Thank you.
I go to my sister's house every week to play with my niece and nephew. Yesterday, my sister (who is super-involved in her Baptist church), got a text while I was there saying that a lady she knew had lost her young son and her mother in a car accident that afternoon. Of course, the prayer chain was alerted. Here's the kicker: this lady and her husband had prayed for 7 years that God would give them a baby boy (I don't see the reason for requesting a gender, but that's not important) and then the boy died in a freak car accident. He was in first grade. It's an awful, awful thing to lose a mother and a child. But it really adds that extra sting when you believe that an all-powerful god was responsible. When I heard they were asking people to pray, I thought: "Why? Obviously, this story illustrates that praying is a crap shoot at best, and that "god" certainly can't be trusted." It's like asking your child's murderer to loan you money. As a Christian, I would have totally accepted all of this as God's mysterious will. But now the blinders are off, and I think faith in an all-powerful god just makes situations like this that much more painful.