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AStandAloneComplex

A Twisting Tale Of Deconversion

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Hi all! This is my first post, so be gentle. I hope my story comes out coherently, hehe.

 

I"m African American and was pretty much brought up in a Baptist church. When I was younger I'd say that my family was pretty religious, but not tyrannically so. However, I didn't know much about the world outside of my immediate environment. The only people I really knew were black xtians and white xtians. I went to an xtian grammar school through the 8th grade and attended a Baptist church regularly. We always celebrated the holidays and made sure to pray over holiday meals etc. I'd always say prayers at bedtime too. (How cute, lol)

 

Graduating from grammar school and going to high school has been the best experience of my life. Around 7th grade I began to think about things. What things, I'm not really sure, but I think it was a general disgust of the shallowness of the people around me. Not that relevant, but it shows that I was getting away from the herd mentality.

 

The high school I went to was extremely diverse and very liberal. It was the first public school to have a gay pride club. It was completely different from what I had experienced before. I met many people from different races, cultures and religions. I thought this was so wonderful it almost makes me cry with happiness when I think about it. I love learning about different peoples of the world. Starting freshman year I really started thinking about things and the world an such.

 

There are a few specific moments when certain things hit me and began to breakdown my faith in xtianity. One thing I remember is when I was in English class and we were discussing something, I don't remember what. I made comment which started something like "Since she was a good xtian girl..........", then this girl interrupted me saying something like "why is she good just because she is a xtian?" This made me think. Did one have to be an xtian to be good? My answer was No. Another thing that bothered me was the idea that if you weren't xtian, you'd go to hell. At this point I had a couple of friends of different religions, the one I thought of specifically was my Muslim friend. So I thought, "Just because she isn't a xtian, should she go to hell?" My answer was No. Then sometime I had a dream where it was the rapture and some people were going to heaven and others were stuck on earth. I believe I was one of the people going to heaven, but when I looked down one of my friends was left behind. (no pun intended, this was before the books even came out, heh) This disturbed and disgusted me. I don't like people who mess with my friends and put them down, so this really pissed me off. This was the point were I stopped believing in hell altogether.

 

During this time I was well on my way out of xtianity and my church attendance was sporadic. During high school I pretty much didn't think about religion most of the time, but I think I was just moving more and more away from it as time passed. However, specific issues would come up periodically with me about the things that didn't make sense to me in the buybull.(this word is so awesome, lol) A big one is the way woman are treated in the buybull(and in the world). Questions like "why are women not more prominent in the bible? why do they have to obey men? why the fuck is "God" a man???" Women deserved just as much respect and power and prominence as men. This had always bothered me about the buybull and it finally hit me that this was stupid and demeaning bullshit. This was the clencher for me I think and where I realized all the problems I had with the buybull were really there and really were wrong.

 

Now, between senior year and 2 years ago things start to get a little fuzzy. I stopped considering myself an xtian sometime during that time. I can't remember it being a specific event or anything. I started studying various religions during this time as I was away at college and had a computer and unlimited internet access. I even joined a Buddhist study group to see what Buddhism was like. Also, I started studying paganism which kind of fascinated me being a fantasy/scifi fan and it being extremely different from xtianity.

 

I left after 2years of college because I didn't really like the environment and never felt comfortable there. I was pretty depressed and anxious at that time. But going was going to be more stressful than school was. While I was moving away from xtianity my mom was getting more and more religious. I figure this is because she's getting older and into her senior years. She joined the choir, goes to church every weekend, studys the bible everday, reads daily devotionals and gives people religious advice. She never really did any of this until a few years ago (except for attending church). She has also gotten my dad to go to church sometimes. He never went before. And my sister is pretty envolved in the church now too. She's a teenager. So I never knew how to act with my family and kind of felt left out of things, because most of the family thing they did together were church related. I had completely stopped going to church at this point and pretty much never wanted to be in another church.

 

Now as far as religion and life is concerned things didn't really go well with me and my family. I will definately say I was partly or mostly to blame about how I handled things. I'm pretty sensitive and can overreact sometimes even if I try not too, plus I was still very immature when it comes to my family. I was never really myself around, didn't talk much about myself and always felt childish around them. I was also fairly careless with things as I probably should've hidden things that I left out in my room, like books on paganism which prettty much made my mom think I was a devil worshipper or something. She didn't really mention these things until I got into an argument with her. My life wasn't going so well at this point as I was dealing with depression and other things and I was doing nothing at home. My mom was getting very frustrated with me. I was really into playing a certain mmorpg, which my mom thought was a waste of time, and we got into a screaming match over it but it was mostly about where my life was at the time and she accused me of being possessed. This was a really crazy moment and just sounded like the most ridiculous thing. I was crying anyway of course because I don't deal with conflict well. I lost a bit of respect for my mom then and lost all of my respect for xtianity.

At some point, I ended up talking to my parents while crying and being very distraught . My mom asked me why I didn't like xtianity or something anymore and I guess I mumbled something about it being hateful and stuff. I have such a hard time talking about things when situations are tense and I'm being confronted. Thus that's pretty much the most my parents know about where I am spiritually.

 

Interestingly enough, the whole demon thing actually prompted me to look up what Satanism was all about. This was one of the most freeing experiences for me. The big boogey man of xtianity and probably the scariest thing a xtian would do. In fact, they would never do it. So I studied it and found that I agreed with many things Satanism(LaVeyan) said. Also, I found a different perspective where "God" is the evil one trying to prevent Satan from gaining knowledge. I definately agreed with this. I always thought it was shady for this god to punish wo/mankind for trying to learn things.

 

At this point I'm angry and disgusted about the whole religious thing and am extremely anti-xtianity.

 

Now, I'd say I'm pretty much an atheist as in I don't believe in any gods. I'm not sure what I believe about anythinig else though. Not much. Universal energy, yeah. A continuation of conciousness. But that's about it. I'm all about science and technology and knowledge.

 

The big thing I"m dealing with now though is how do I interreact with the xtians in the black community. When I see them it feels like I"m looking down at them as lunatics enthralled with a wacko religion. Like "how can you be so crazy to believe in this stuff?!?!?" But I guess if it helps me gain more confidence in myself, that's how it's going to be for awhile. Where I live now there's a fucking church, sometimes 2, on every block. I need to move badly.

 

But anyhoo, I think that's it for now, heh. It feels great to be free of an oppressive religion. No bigots, no hell and no eternal guilt.

 

(wow, such a long post. If you actually read all the way down, I appreciate it.) :thanks:

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btw, I won't be able to respond to this thread until Tuesday since I'm going out of town. Talk to ya then. :)

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Welp... it's your choice, but be careful about looking down on them. You just end up becoming like a Christian who looks down on non-believers....

 

Isnt it amazing that youre happier and feel more free when you do away with Christianity :grin: ? Welcome to the forums. This is your new church now :lmao:

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Thanx for the welcome RHEMtron. :)

 

I don't want to look down on them, that's just how I feel when I think about it. I figure this will change over time, but right now I just get angry/sad/annoyed. :(

I will heed your words though.

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