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The Nuttiest Thing You've Ever Heard A Fundy Say


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What is the most off the wall absolutely insane thing you've ever heard a fundy say apart from the usual nutjob christian crap?

 

I used to participate in some christian chat rooms and forums on AOL when I was still a christian. The most absolutely INSANE thing I have ever heard from a fundy was in one of these rooms or boards. There was a guy there that absolutely believed that Mars was the original earth and that the ark was used to bring Noah, his brood, and all the animals here to Earth. I wish I would have saved some of his arguments for it. It was brilliant. Of course, the mainstream fundies mauled him every time he came around. I wonder sometimes if he wasn't a non-christian trying to make a point.

 

Ever heard anything wackier than the usual "Jebus died fer yer senz an ef you don except him yer gunna bern en hayul"?

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I think the Bible's explanation of the reason why Christ died is about the STOOOPidest thing I have ever heard. But besides that, I think the idea of hell is just retarded. Plus, that business about self-mutilation if you see a cute girl is pretty mind-numbing.

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Hmm, I've got two you'll see out in the weirder end of the pool:

 

1. "The earth used to be surrounded by a water canopy, and a lot of the Flood waters came from it when it fell out of the sky. And because we don't have a water canopy any more, that's why people don't live to be 900 years old anymore - there's too much UV radiation getting in now."

 

2. "Well, the creation story doublet is actually two creations - the FIRST one is a pre-Adam race of humans that got completely interbred with demons and was ruled by the Devil. So God destroyed the Earth, and the second creation story that specifically gets into Adam, Eve, and Eden is really a RE-creation! So THIS go-round of Earth is only 6000 years old, and that explains why the Sphinx and other artifacts date to 9000 years old or older - the pre-Adam race built them! It also explains dinosaurs, they lived back then too."

 

Seriously, I know people who believe that shit and will tell it to others with a perfectly straight face.

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I've always been one to ask ALOT of questions about things. It's never been enough for you to tell me "push this button for this to happen", I will want to know WHY that button makes said thing happen. Take the thing apart and see how it works.

 

As a child I was sent to a Lutheran school and I would ask a ton of questions like how god could know everything but yet we still had the freewill to do whatever we wanted. Most of the time I was told that when I meet god, I can ask him those questions, but I remember being told by my local bishop once to:

 

"Be careful, because the devil can fool you with logic".

 

Logic. So, if it sounds insane (blood attonement for sin) it's from god, and if it makes logical sense, it's from the devil.

 

That's about the craziest thing I ever heard in xtianity, still makes me laugh today.

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Logic. So, if it sounds insane (blood attonement for sin) it's from god, and if it makes logical sense, it's from the devil.

 

That about sums it up. Boy did I hear that a lot.

 

My parents were forever chiding me not to be deceived by logic and I was apparently 'worshipping my intellect' whenever I would ask anything.

 

This is while I WAS still a Christian, asking really mild and obvious 'curiosity' stuff, like about where the dinosaurs fit in with the garden of eden and all. (My mom used to be of the 'devil planted the fossils to fool mankind' variety. I'm not sure if she's finally conceded to science on that one or not. I for one won't be asking).

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The "nuttiest" thing ever? Whoa! THAT is a tall order! So much idiocy, so little time! :grin:

 

I'm tempted to cheat and just link to any of Amy Marie's, freeday's or Daniel's posts, but I'll spare your eyes. They just might bleed.

 

But seriously, how can I classify something from a Christian as nuttier than the next thing they say? Everything they say is insane. (Although that Mars being the original Earth commentary does seem like the hands down winner. :eek: )

 

For my entry I'd like to submit the Christian dodge of "We're not perfect, just fogiven".

 

When Christians are confronted with their continued sinfulness, (IN SPITE of being "filled with the Holy Ghost", and Jesus saying to "be ye PERFECT as your Father in heaven is perfect"), they then retreat into a ball and whine, "But if we WERE perfect, then we wouldn't need His Holy Spirit! It is our constant sinfulness that keeps us needing his power and grace!"

 

I shit you not! I've heard this preached and I've read it in books and on the internet! Christians actually believe that continued SINNING is necessary to being a GOOD Christian! "Perfection" is viewed as the SIN of being GOOD! :lmao::loser:

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If you want to check out some nutty stuff, I recommend the "Fundamentalists Say the Darndest Things" website.

 

www.fstdt.com

 

Or read anything at all posted to the Rapture Ready site -- it's right out of the bizarro world :eek:

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Man, some of these are making my head hurt!

 

I think the nuttiest thing I've heard so far is the Intelligent Design stuff. It get weirder with every version I hear. The topper so far is that we're actually aliens and Eden is really on Venus.

 

That and all the other planets are "Failed Earths" (wouldn't that indicate that Jehovah makes mistakes? Like, a lot?)

 

Dinosaur bones and others things dated over 6000 years were put on Earth just to "test" our faith. That one really annoys the hell out of me. I'm not sure why in particular, just the complete stupid blindness of it.

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On IMDb.com, I saw this poster who said that he/she knows this guy who does not believe dinosaurs ever existed because they arn't in the bible. :Hmm:

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On IMDb.com, I saw this poster who said that he/she knows this guy who does not believe dinosaurs ever existed because they arn't in the bible. :Hmm:

 

But they are in the Bible! They are in the Book of Job, DUH! :Doh:

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My former fundy cubemate used this as an argument one time, and he was serious: Spontaneous combustion proves the existence of not only god, but the Christian god.

 

Of course, he couldn't provide any proof that spontaneous combustion exists in the first place, much less that it proved the existence of a god.

 

Oh, and he actually thought that space aliens had planted dinosaur bones to make people believe that the dinosaurs were real. :lmao:

 

And he thought that Christianity reminded him of the Transformers and that was why he liked it.

 

:Wendywhatever:

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Hmmm, on another message board which I belong to, one of the members was ranting about a fundy parent who had stated that

 

she was hoping that the rapture would come really soon - like in the next couple of years - so that she wouldn't have to face her kids growing up and not needing her anymore.

 

:angry:

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Well... BibleBoy, the infamous ex-SO I've posted about here, had some really stupid things come out of his mouth.

 

Most was just the usual Xianese™ crap, like talking about his "walk with the Lawd" and all that shit. But there were a few things he said that just made my jaw drop with how amazingly stupid they were.

 

The first one to spring to mind is his insistence that no one should masturbate, because masturbation produces endorphins that make you feel high and you'll get addicted to them. Therefore masturbation is addictive, therefore nobody should do it. (I was so shocked I didn't have the presence of mind to inform him that laughing and heavy exercise can produce the same endorphin rush, therefore if you laugh or exercise too much you'll get addicted, therefore nobody should laugh or exercise.)

 

He also insisted that anger was a choice, not an emotion. This, of course, came after he found out I was mad at him for lying to me, and he thought I'd been mad long enough and needed to forgive him instead. If it were possible to reach through a phone and punch someone out, I would've.

 

Then there were some generally dipshit ideas that he and one of his fundy friends had about what Gawd was telling them to do with their lives. His friend M., in particular, had started up a relationship with a mutual friend of theirs, and of course couldn't resist telling BibleBoy all about how wonderful and godly it was, and how much they were doing for the Lard together, and how much the Lard had changed the two of them to please each other, and all this shit. (All this bit was his prelude to comparing his relationship to the one BibleBoy and I had, which of course was ungodly, unpleasing, and directly contrary to what the Lard wanted for BibleBoy's life.)

 

M. married this girl less than 6 months after they first got together. Which says to me he was pretty hot to trot and just couldn't wait anymore. I honestly hope reality reared its ugly head shortly thereafter and they're having a miserable time.

 

M. also had this conviction from the Lard that he and his then-fiancee/later wife needed to move to a particular area in a county north of me, because he'd received revelations that there was a great deal of pagan and occult activity there, and Gawd had told him he needed to go combat it. (I can only assume he was referring to this place, which is still going strong despite M.'s valiant efforts to fight satan.)

 

Honestly, when BibleBoy finally broke down and told me that I wasn't Xian enough for him and never would be, that was probably the smartest, most honest thing he ever said.

 

Other than that, there are some doozies over on CF. Anything that comes from the fingers of AngryNotice, for instance (though he's likely just a troll)...or Voegelin, or dad. (Heh, funny how I more easily remember the names of the folks on CF who are batshit crazy, than the ones who are decent folks...)

 

And I suppose my fundy mother has had a few stupid sayings over the years, but they've really all been pretty typical stuff.

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Wow, I don't know that these people are actually fundies, so much as freaks but...

 

I was browsing a website about a budgie (parrot) whose owner had trained him to talk, and perhaps even talk in context...being interested in animal intelligence. I was delighted in the sound clips, but when I went to check out the videos, they were located in a forum you had to register to access. I registered, (still couldn't see the videos), and found myself in a large forum of crazy, kooky Xtian bird owners who think budgies are like prophets sent from God to teach humans. And the fact that their birds mimic words like "God" and "Jesus" is some kind of sign.

 

People are INSANE!

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Guest I've smelled the Starbucks

I once had a girl about 11 years old who attends a Fundy Christian School tell me that at her school they don't teach science because it doesn't agree with their Christian beliefs. I asked what school she went to, I wanted to make sure that my kid never set foot on that campus or spent too much time around any other kid that went there.

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It pisses me off to hear fundies make comments solely based on what their religion tells them. I had a Mormon friend who literally stood up in the middle of class one day and say she didn't agree with evolution. Of course she doesn't know the first thing about evolution, she only disagrees with it because it doesn't correlate with her beliefs.

 

And a long time ago I read somewhere... I don't recall where... but somewhere is a site talking about Mormonism (I used to research Mormonism in my attempt as a Christian to convert my Mormon friend) and the prophecy made by Joseph Smith that says there are people who live on the moon who are six feet tall, live to be 1,000 years old, and look like Quakers. When approached with the fact that these men have never been seen on the moon, the faithful Mormon replied, "Maybe they live underground."

 

<_<

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When approached with the fact that these men have never been seen on the moon, the faithful Mormon replied, "Maybe they live underground."

 

 

Well of course they do. I've seen them. Haven't you?

 

No. You can't see them. Because they're underground. Or invisible.

 

Was it John Smith who saw them (because he had amazing powers such as interplanetary travel and seing invisible moon people), or did he just know because he was a prophet......?

 

 

Do Mormons genuinely believe this stuff, or shamefully go along with it because it's their thing?

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... I shit you not! I've heard this preached and I've read it in books and on the internet! Christians actually believe that continued SINNING is necessary to being a GOOD Christian! "Perfection" is viewed as the SIN of being GOOD! :lmao::loser:

 

Some xians are, no doubt, putting this philosophy to "good" use. Recently, I've been reading about Rasputin and the downfall of Tsarist Russia. Rasputin, "the mad monk," was the peasant mystic from Siberia who wormed himself into the royal household and greatly contributed to its collapse.

 

Part of the problem was that he garnered a bad reputation for his drunkeness and "whore-mongering," and Tsar Nicholas II was tarnished by the scandals when Rasputin was discovered to be participating in orgies with the noble ladies of the Russian aristocracy as well as with common street prostitutes.

 

Rasputin was ugly, unkempt, nearly illiterate, crude, and said to smell like a diseased goat. So how did he get it on with all those aristocratic babes?

 

Well, he had established a name for himself as a holy man, so they believed him when he told them that taking pride in one's virtue is a sin. Further, he advised them that they had to get right with god by engaging in some debauchery in order to give god a reason to forgive them and take them back into the fold. More often than not, this line of reasoning seems to have worked.

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Fundies say so many ridiculous things that I've had a hard time settling on just one, but I've finally come to the conclusion that one of the nuttiest and most disturbing things they say is when they "comfort" a bereaved fellow christian who is mourning the death of a person they assume to be hell-bound. The mourner might say something like, "How can I enjoy being in heaven without my baby brother there?" and the True Christian™ reply is, "Don't worry, when you get to heaven, our loving God will erase all memory of him from your mind."

 

Oh great; lobotomies for the the lord. Sick! Sick! Sick!

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Ooh, ooh, ooh!!!! Great thread idea!!! And I have a little gem to add to it!!

 

About the time I had my daughter, my "best" fundy friend got married (actually I hated her if truth be told she was the "star" daughter of one of the elders and came pre-packed with a unique brand of self-serving jealousy). As you might expect, I happened to ask her when she might be thinking of starting a family herself and I'll never forget her reply.............

 

She said: "When the Lord opens my womb"!!

 

:lmao:

 

Isn't that simply peachy!! Is that what you call christian contraception???? It took every ounce of self -discipline not to burst out laughing in her face. It still makes me laugh 14 years later!!!

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Oh man, gotta love the womb-opening line...

 

Which reminds me of BibleBoy's answer when I asked him how many children he was planning to have. His reply was: "As many as the Lard sees fit to give me."

 

:twitch:

 

Yup. 'Nuther Quiverfull proponent. Which philosophy is, I think, just incredibly irresponsible to begin with, not to mention amazingly passive.

 

I don't know why I didn't see some of the red flags sooner. Maybe it was because, oh, say, he was a pathological liar, and sometimes those guys are hard to spot...

 

Oh well, what're ya gonna do. :shrug:

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Nut cases like fundys and evangelicals say so MANY stupid things, it's an embarrassment of riches.

 

As of late, these two come to mind -

 

Jerry Falwell blaming the terrorist attacks on 9/11 on the homos and feminists.

 

Pat Robertson calling for the assasination of the Venezualan president.

 

:twitch:

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When approached with the fact that these men have never been seen on the moon, the faithful Mormon replied, "Maybe they live underground."

 

 

Well of course they do. I've seen them. Haven't you?

 

No. You can't see them. Because they're underground. Or invisible.

 

 

:twitch:

:eek:

 

How DARE you question the abilities the LARD hath given me?!?! I''m communicating with the 6 ft tall, thousand year old, quaker-like moonmen RAGHT NOW!

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