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Looking For Comfort....


Angel
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Hi all,

 

Not sure where to post this, so I hope that this is ok.

 

It has been forever since my last post. A lot has been going on in my life and I find myself just needing to vent and let some frustrations out.

 

First of all, to my surprise, I found out sometime ago, that I am pregnant. I am now 8 months along. Had NO idea, because I was told that I would not be able to be that way without medication. To make a long story short, there are problems with the baby and it's survival is up in the air. Leaning more toward not surviving than surviving. Very hard to handle at the very least.

 

What makes it even more difficult to deal with is people making comments to me about god. Some people, I would have NEVER dreamed the comments would come from. It is just too much for me to deal with...everyone seems to be throwing him in my face and I am getting rather tired of it.

 

Examples, this is some of what I have been told in the last 2 months.

 

1)God does not give us more than we can handle.

My answer: tell that to the individual that goes nuts and/or kills themselves

 

2) Everything happens for a reason.

My answer: What would be the reason to harm a baby? None that I can think of

 

3) This is a warning to you so you know not to try to have another baby, because the next time if could be you that could die.

My answer: Some warning, make a baby suffer

 

4) It was not meant to be.

My answer: If it is not meant for the baby to be here, I would never have been pregnant.

 

5) Satan did this to your baby, not god.

My answer: Who is suppose to be the bigger being? Who did you say again that is in control???

 

6) No matter how mad you get at god over this, he will always be there to forgive you for it.

My answer: If he is up there, he allowed this, and he will forgive me???? Yes, this makes sense. NOT

 

7) Don't give up on god, he is there to help you through this.

If he is as big as everyone thinks he is, we would not be going through this in the first place.

 

Why can't people just accept the fact that SHIT HAPPENS. There is no one causing this and that to happen, it just happens! I have tried turning to friends and family and this is all that I get. It is unreal how much god has been brought up to me. Makes me want to "bring up" my lunch! How can they think that there is this "loving god" that would allow stuff like this to occur? I know if my dad were alive, if he had the power, he would make everything ok in a heartbeat. Certainly not this "Super Sky Man" everyone thinks is so wonderful.

 

I love my family and friends, I am sure that they mean well, but I am ready to go off like a rocket if it keeps up. I have enough on my plate right now to deal with, this is not helping in the slightest. I have even told them that god is a bad subject with me, not to bring it up. Seems like it is not getting through. My one friend has been sending me forwards like crazy about god. What is more crazy, none of them are really christians!!!!

 

Then, I was talking to someone in hospice about funeral services if they are needed for the baby. I told her that I did not want god mentioned not even once. She said, "Well, some scriptures can be very comforting to someone that is grieving." Not to me! Comfort my asshole!

 

That brings me to another question. I never been to an athiest funeral, have no clue how to put one together? I just don't want our baby's funeral (if there is a need for one) to be all about someone I do not believe in. Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

This whole situation just rips my heart out. All our married life we wanted children, then told we could not have any, then poof, I am pregnant, only to stand a large risk of losing the baby. See, even if the baby survives, it will have severe health problems the rest of it's life. If there is a god, he is a sick bastard. His sense of humor is far from amusing.

 

Sorry all this is so long. I just needed to "talk" to people that I know would understand me.

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I am very sorry to hear of your difficult situation for you and your husband. My heart goes out to you. As far as the God comments from others, it may help you to know it is really more about them trying to understand the inconsistencies of life and their ideas about a God. They're really trying to comfort themselves, by offering you an explanation they need to understand.

 

Maybe trying to feel sorry for them in their own confusion might make it so you don't take their comments so personally. It still sucks, and you would hope they would be able to just give you their honest support from their heart, but they seem like they haven't learned to walk without the crutches yet. That's unfortunate for you right now.

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I am so sorry for the situation you're in, and I wish I had some good advice to offer you, but I don't really, just sympathy. However, I did think of two things:

 

1. If all the god talk is bothering you, you may need to be a little more forceful in your objections. I don't mean that you have to be rude because the people who say these things to you mean well and are just at a loss for words. But the next time you hear one of those cliches you might want to say, in a calm voice, something like "I don't feel like talking about _______ right now. It's not helpful, and I find it upsetting." Then, if they continue, just turn around and walk out of the room. That should make it clear. And, you shouldn't have to worry about them holding it against you later because they should consider the stress you are under. (And if they don't, heck with them.)

 

2. If you do have to have a funeral for the baby, you might want to contact your local humanist society or Unitarian Universalist Church (if any are available in your area), for some ideas on arrangements - as well as to get some perspectives from people who are not obsessed with jesus.

 

Sorry these are sorta lame ideas. But, I did want to say something. I hope things turn out better than they appear right now. Please keep us informed.

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Angel, I'm sorry to hear about the complications. But you have very good answers to those "template" comments people throw out. I wish you all luck, and I hope in this time you find the true friends.

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I'm so sorry to hear this, Angel. I wish only the best for you, your child, and your family right now and I really hope the comfort you need finds you. And not in the form of platitudes.

 

Do you have any friends who are athiests or at least sympathetic enough not to mention god? Perhaps you could ask them to say some words for you.

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Hi Angel,

Craziest part is...if you were a Christian, their comments wouldn't help anyway.

Loved your comment about your dad... And, that is the truth...

Thank you for allowing us into your pain... My best and deepest to you and yours.

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So sorry for what you are experiencing, Angel. Go with what YOU feel comfortable with, not what the Christians or the hospice workers say. Societies set up standard "plans of action" that everyone is expected to follow, whether they personally find it comforting or not. Funerals tend to be an area that people give over to traditions that supposedly know the hows,whats, and whys about death and grief. Do it the way you want to.

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Oh, man, Angel, I'm so sorry you're going through all that. :( That's just shitty.

 

I'm also sorry people are being such god bastards about it. I sure wouldn't blame you for going off, if it turns out that you do.

 

As for funeral arrangements, the sky's the limit, really. It kind of just depends on what you want to do. One of the simplest things is to have a memorial service rather than a funeral, because a memorial you can really have anywhere - doesn't have to be a church or place of worship. It could be at a park, even, or at a gravesite. It could be with lots of friends and family, or it could be just a few people.

 

There are some pastor types who are largely nondenominational and won't bring up gawd so much if you don't want them to - the guy who led the services for both my dad's parents was like that - but the availability of such folks kind of depends on where you live. Out here in the godless Pacific Northwest, it's easy to find someone who won't be breathing god every other word. If you have trouble finding someone like that, well - it doesn't have to be a pastor to lead the service. It can really be anybody you trust.

 

In any case, hang in there; and again, I'm so sorry this all is going on for you.

 

Hugs if ok.

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All the best Angel, hope everything goes as well as possible. Challenges like this are always hard to figure out.

 

 

I would offer a couple of positive additional ideas to your list:

 

1)God does not give us more than we can handle.

 

I'd say that life offers us just the challenge we need to progress, and this for whatever reasons, is yours.

 

2) Everything happens for a reason.

 

The reason would be to learn from the experience. Doesn't matter if its a positive or negative experience. Even one as hard as this. There is something to learn, grow, & gain from it.

 

3) This is a warning to you so you know not to try to have another baby, because the next time if could be you that could die.

 

They's just been freaky fundies here.

 

4) It was not meant to be.

 

B.S. The experience was meant to happen. Perhaps the baby wasn't meant to come into this world, but there is certainly something to be gained from this. Though that's for you to figure out.

 

5) Satan did this to your baby, not god.

Actually, Jimmy Carter did this to your baby. Go kill his peanut lovin' ass. :)

 

6) No matter how mad you get at god over this, he will always be there to forgive you for it.

My answer: If he is up there, he allowed this, and he will forgive me???? Yes, this makes sense. NOT

The real question is are you taking any blame for this and not forgiving yourself? Because you certainly shouldn't. It's not your fault that this is happening to the baby, it's only for you to learn how to deal with it in the best manner possible.

 

7) Don't give up on god, he is there to help you through this.

We already know how naive this is.

 

 

 

All the best darlin'. It's certainly a tough situation. Hopefully you can come out of this experience with as much strength & knowledge as possible.

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There's really no advice I can offer to help you. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry about your situation, and I hope things get easier for you. Things happen, sometimes life takes turns we don't like. We just have to keep going and ignore the Christian banter about the big Guy in the Sky.

 

I wish you well.

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Sorry to hear about the problems Angel, I hope everything goes well.

 

I cant really think of anything to say to comfort you other than to say that when my mom had me it was very similar to what you describe, although I was born 2 months premature. I had a lotta problems...i was only 2.5 pounds when I was born but I and my family managed to get past all that and I grew up perfectly healthy. I really hope that helps some. Hopefully it will all come out fine and dandy.

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You have a puppy in your mouth. :HaHa: Welecome!

******

 

Angel,

 

I have no really good words. And by good words, I mean the kind with the power to sweep all this away. Believe me I wish I had those words.

 

All I can say is that I hope things turn out with the least possible pain for everyone involved. That's all I can truly hope.

 

And I would really watch that funeral industry too if I were you. They don't stop at trying to push their religious views, they want to help you spend lots of money on your guilt/pain too.

 

Know any woodworkers? They could craft you a very nice box that is perfectly legal as a "casket". AND if your baby beats the odds and lives, you have a beautiful "chest" for your baby keepsakes instead.

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This whole situation just rips my heart out. All our married life we wanted children, then told we could not have any, then poof, I am pregnant, only to stand a large risk of losing the baby. See, even if the baby survives, it will have severe health problems the rest of it's life. If there is a god, he is a sick bastard. His sense of humor is far from amusing.

 

Sorry all this is so long. I just needed to "talk" to people that I know would understand me.

I understand your need to vent. My wife lost our baby a few months into her first pregnancy (after 12 years of marriage) last year (I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like going 8 months along) and it was about the time I came across this very site. My marriage was in shambles (it's a bit better now) and some people were trying to "cheer me up" with this same shit. My own wife accused me of becoming possessed with a demon in order for it (me) to have sex with her in order to kill my own child. Needless to say I say vent until you can't vent anymore. People got the message pretty fucking fast with me. After one or two tries with the things that you wrote I shut them down and all it took was a single look from me to make them shut their mouths after that (I didn't care if the pope walked in he'd better shut his mouth about god). You do the same. It's your feelings. It's your baby. It's up to them to understand and if they refuse then that's their problem...not yours.

 

I really hope things work out for the best (I know there's really nothing I can say...so...).

 

mwc

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Edited by Loren.

 

The forum on dealing with problems for ex-Christians is no place for a Christian to participate. By definition, there is nothing useful a Christian could offer. Christians are welcome to post in all other fora other than Testimonies.

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Guest Shiva H. Vishnu
a good christian friend would say i will be praying for you and tell you if you need someone to talk to please let me know.

 

And then when you call them to talk they will make every effort to ensure you aren't doubting the faith because of your experience. They will offer meaningless platitudes based on the amorphous ambiguous morality of the scriptures. They will comfort you with words designed to rein you in, and keep you faithful to the myth that they themselves are always grasping at straws to maintain in their imaginations. Christians make for exceedingly poor comerades in a clutch, freeday, if for no other reason than their loyalties are first to their imaginary sky daddy.

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sorry to hear about your troubles. and i am sorry for the bad advice you have been given. nothing anyone says will take the pain away of what you are going through right now. and having someone make you feel guilty on top of it. a good christian friend would say i will be praying for you and tell you if you need someone to talk to please let me know.

I fixed your statement. I hope someday you'll get it. Focus on being a friend instead of trying to backdoor your shit with statements like "I'll pray for you." Why would anyone who doesn't believe in your god give two shits if you pray for them? Why not tell them you're going to sacrifice a goat? It's all the same nonsense and just rubs salt in the wound especially when it seems that if there is a god then this very same god has made your life the butt of a sick cosmic joke.

 

However, if you want your friends to pray for you then more power to you but let me ask you something freeday. Why would god listen to your friends about your problems if he wouldn't listen to you about them? :shrug:

 

mwc

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Wish I could do something that would help, Angel. I totally understand you. My dad passed away recently and I had the urge to knock people's teeth in when they started jabbing me with their stupid religious platitudes. Xtian words of 'comfort' are usually anything but.

 

Most people don't understand how to be sympathetic until it hits them personally. The last thing you want to hear is, 'Don't feel bad, god has it all figured out.'

 

Hang in there, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. :(

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Edited by Loren.

 

The forum on dealing with problems for ex-Christians is no place for a Christian to participate. By definition, there is nothing useful a Christian could offer. Christians are welcome to post in all other fora other than Testimonies.

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Guest Shiva H. Vishnu

i don't think this is the place to discuss such obscurities, when you look at the point of this thread.

 

 

Grow a pair you friggin sock puppet!

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Guest Shiva H. Vishnu

Okay, maybe you're right. Please create a thread in which we all examine your similarity to a sock puppet. I can't be bothered.

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Thank you all for your kindness and support. It does help, believe me. It is nice to have somewhere to go where people understand me.

It is such a scary situation right now. I went to the DR yesterday and now they are worried about me too. (not only is the baby high risk, but I am too) I am sure that I will be ok, it is just scary, you know? The doctors are at a loss as to what to do...which makes me feel SO secure. (yeah, right)

 

As for people telling me that they will pray for me, I usually tell them thank you, cause I know that some do mean well and all. I just know that it is a lost cause, like one mentioned, sacrificing a goat.

 

I remember talking to someone at the hospital about what type of insurance the baby will be on. I told them, "If all works out ok, probably what I am on right now." She spoke up with, "Oh don't claim it! No! Don't do that! Say, things will be just fine!" I knew, just by "don't claim it" what I was dealing with.

 

Christians have a way of living in denial, a fanatasy world, an escape from reality. That is where I was when my parents died. It was a hard blow to come down from the "high" that everything would be fine and dandy. At least when you face reality, even though difficult, you are not pumped up with false hope. That is a hard crash landing when you are.

 

And like someone else mentioned, if I were a christian, I doubt that all this would help. It just surprises me that all of this is coming from people that are not christians. If you can only imagine my surprise when all of this started spitting out of their mouths.

 

You know, when this first started out, I felt that old "tug" to come back (believe me not a strong one) because when I was in a bad situation, that was where I went. Kind of like a crutch, you know? When you think you are going to trip and fall, you are tempted to look for that old crutch or cane to make sure you don't...even though you know you do not need it? Am I making sense? Believe me, I am NOT going back. Nothing to go back to.

 

But again, THANK YOU for all your support. It means a lot. Thank you all for listening to me. It is just so difficult to not be able to talk to your friends and relatives about stuff like this because when you do, they do nothing but try to comfort with their god.

 

I understand your need to vent. My wife lost our baby a few months into her first pregnancy (after 12 years of marriage) last year (I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like going 8 months along) and it was about the time I came across this very site. My marriage was in shambles (it's a bit better now) and some people were trying to "cheer me up" with this same shit. My own wife accused me of becoming possessed with a demon in order for it (me) to have sex with her in order to kill my own child. Needless to say I say vent until you can't vent anymore. People got the message pretty fucking fast with me. After one or two tries with the things that you wrote I shut them down and all it took was a single look from me to make them shut their mouths after that (I didn't care if the pope walked in he'd better shut his mouth about god). You do the same. It's your feelings. It's your baby. It's up to them to understand and if they refuse then that's their problem...not yours.

 

I really hope things work out for the best (I know there's really nothing I can say...so...).

 

mwc

 

I am really sorry about your loss. I can see you understand exactly how it is. It does get VERY frustrating to say the least. So far, my marriage seems to be ok. We have tense moments (because of stress) but they do not last because we talk them out. I am sorry you had to go through that with your spouse. Glad that things are better for you, that is for sure.

 

I have tried in the polite way, to tell them that god is a very bad subject and not to bring it up....but it seems like it is going through one ear and out the other.

 

Just like with others on this thread that have lost loved ones and have had this stuff pushed on them, sorry for your loss and situations too.

 

I find that the best comfort is from the heart of the individual, rather than the "knowledge" from a book or religion that is meaningless to me.

 

Thank you all again *hugs*

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Terribly sorry for the difficulties you're going through, Angel.

 

I'm in agreement with you - that this is not being caused by some deity who's trying to teach a lesson. There is no higher purpose or meaning here. Some things just happen without a reason.

 

It's still messed up.

 

We'll be thinking of you, sweetie. And we'll cross our fingers that everything will work out okay for you.

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Angel,

 

I'm very sorry that you have to go through all of this. It really fucking sucks.

 

I found this link on atheist funerals.

 

Hope all goes well, though, and you won't need it.

 

 

****

 

Okay, humor is probably way inappropriate, but. . .

 

Then, I was talking to someone in hospice about funeral services if they are needed for the baby. I told her that I did not want god mentioned not even once. She said, "Well, some scriptures can be very comforting to someone that is grieving." Not to me! Comfort my asshole!

 

I know it was a typo, but I can't get the picture out of my head of you screaming at a lady, demanding that she "Comfort your asshole." :mellow:

 

(sorry)

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I'm so sorry you have to go through this right now. It must be so difficult, all of it, even just the unknown outcome of your babies health. In a very difficult time in my life when it was found that my baby had some major health problems, I was blown away by what some other Christians said to me. They would ask how I was doing and when I told them, they basically quoted scripture on what my attitude should be and walked away. It was so not what I needed then. I needed someone to give me a hug, or just look me in the eye and validate my pain at that moment.

 

Once you become a mother, you have a new vulnerability, I think. It can be really scary.

 

If I knew where you lived I'd send you a journal. Maybe what helped me the most was writing all my experiences/emotions down. Now I look back and am amazed at the ways in which that pain changed my life for better and worse.

 

I won't be praying for you, but will be thinking of you.

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