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Socially Unacceptable


Dra_Mucd_Uha
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I totlaly agree with Amethyst and Woodsmoke. So friggin what? I've come full-circle. I freshman year of high school I was voted the most shy person - out of 1000 other freshman. After that, for a few years I had a lot of friends, went to a lot of parties, did a lot of drugs. It was fun, but didn't make me any happier. When I turned 21 I didn't give a crap about going out to bars, and since then I've become more comfortable with being alone. These days, other than my sister, I have one close friend. Between those two, that's all I need. I don't really care if people want to be my friends. I'm really weird, so mostly people want to just walk away from me after a few minutes of conversation, and I'm cool with it. :close: I'm thinking in a few more years, regardless of whether you gain any more friends, you'll probably be a little more comfortable in your skin.

 

I agree with this to a point. In my case, it affects my ability to work and function, so I need to work at it.

 

When I work, I avoid bosses at all cost, just because I don't know what to say to them. I am always parking at odd places, so I will not bump onto so and so. Or I walk around the entire office to go two doors over, so I don't have to pass by the VP's fishbowl. In fact, I only learned English when I was 26, but I made it a point to learn how to write, so I could write to people instead of talking to them.

 

I don't go for walks in my neighbourhood at night because a former coworker walks at night too, and I don't want to talk to her--even though I have nothing against her.

 

I feel that people who are as severely affected as I am really need help. I am not shy, I am just socially inept. My husband, on the other hand, is terribly shy, yet he does well in social situations. For example, he tends to get along with superiors really well at work. The guy doesn't need any professional help.

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I am a born introvert though I learned to become an extrovert in my early 20s.

 

I had tried to change to be more outgoing when I got involved in a Multi-Level-Marketing company that wanted me to get others to join. I listened to tapes and read books and so on. I ended up getting the message that the way I was was bad and this began to drive me a bit crazy. So, I quit and took a break.

 

A few months later, I took a "Business Psychology" course at a junior college. The teacher was very positive and outgoing. As part of the course, she gave us handouts on personality types and the characteristics of their behaviors. I read one and thought, "hmm, maybe I should try that - be more outgoing, want to be the center of attention, etc". But, the difference this time was, I approached it from the attitude that I was okay the way I was. I would try these new behaviors to see if they worked, and it they didn't, that was okay, not a failure.

 

Well, I tried and liked the results. I became very extroverted for a few months. I eventually went back to being quiet and introverted, but I am able to turn on the charm and talk to people if I need to or want to.

 

So, my advice to you, Dra, is if you want to change, take some small steps and see if they work for you. Don't do this because you feel you "should", though. I've spent my life trying to break free from "shoulds" and don't wish for you to become burdened by stuff like that. If you like the way things are, don't change. If you want to change, go for it!

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Here's something that's worked for me over my 56 years.

 

 

I know I'm going to feel uncomfortable in a group, so I'm not upset when I am. I sit in the corner (metaphorically, but sometimes literally, cause you can see who's coming). I observe the group's dynamics. You will find out who talks reasonably and who doesn't. You'll get a feeling for what can be said and what can't. After 2 or 3 meetings you can start joining the conversations with some confidence that your mistakes won't be bad. You will find that the group accepts you if you don't get out of line. They are used to your presence and will listen. As you build their trust you can be more controversial if you feel the need and still be accepted. I find that my one on one relationships come out of this group interaction and they feel more natural then trying to attract a single person's attention.

 

If you are interested in a person of the opposite sex, join a group that they are in. That way you can find out if you are really interested and after a bit you have a natural connection. If that person isn't in any group that you would be interested in yourself, you already have a clue to your compatibility.

 

There is no magic about this. There is just acceptance of your feelings rather than hating them, and then practice. By the way you accept your feelings by observing them dispassionately. Where is the feeling in your body? What does it seem to be doing there? What color is it? What does it smell like? What is it's texture? Can you move the feeling someplace else? If you practice this, the panic you feel when you feel will subside. A lot of your fear (but not all) is fear of feeling.

 

Try to understand that you are a physical body. You are not a ghost in a machine. The feelings you have are physical and actual. They don't come from out there. They come from your body/mind, which is why other physical things like drugs can effect them. Like breathing feelings don't require consciousness, but can respond to consciousness to a certain extent. Again like with breathing, you can extend the response to consciousness with practice. Like just about any new practice it won't feel natural or nice at first.

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I agree with this to a point. In my case, it affects my ability to work and function, so I need to work at it.

 

When I work, I avoid bosses at all cost, just because I don't know what to say to them. I am always parking at odd places, so I will not bump onto so and so. Or I walk around the entire office to go two doors over, so I don't have to pass by the VP's fishbowl. In fact, I only learned English when I was 26, but I made it a point to learn how to write, so I could write to people instead of talking to them.

 

I don't go for walks in my neighbourhood at night because a former coworker walks at night too, and I don't want to talk to her--even though I have nothing against her.

 

I feel that people who are as severely affected as I am really need help. I am not shy, I am just socially inept. My husband, on the other hand, is terribly shy, yet he does well in social situations. For example, he tends to get along with superiors really well at work. The guy doesn't need any professional help.

 

Lorena, how does that affect your ability to work? Seems to me that you're doing just fine as far as task completion is concerned. I wouldn't classify myself as just being shy because of the things i was ready to give up in order to avoid social situations; especially public speaking. I was about to pass up graduating high school because I refused to do a five minute speech. But after weeks of getting yelled at by my parents and friends talking to me, I went through with it. This story doesn't have a heart warming ending though. I hyperventilated through the entire thing. And at the end there was no clapping; just stares. I walked out of school and took the rest of the day off. I got suspended for cutting the classes, but hey I graduated on time (with a 1.8 gpa, but still).

 

For the past year I've been battling a speech class that I can't seem to finish. I've gotten through speeches, and then there's a couple of minutes of weirdness. But I end up dropping the classes because I'm not paying attention to what I'm supposed to be doing and get D's on all my speeches. It may seem cruel for my teachers not to pass me, but I don't want a good grade out of pity. So, I'll try again this semester. Only this time I'll have to get it done because I'll have to drop out of my major if I don't get it done. I'll do it, just like it did the high school speech. Awkward, almost passing out, but completed.

 

I wouldn't advise against getting help if that's what a person feels is best. I'm willing to admit that I'm working harder because I won't see a doc. But if someone is on the fence about whether they need therapy why not give them another perspective? I personally have a bias against going on meds (not saying that everyone has to feel like I do) after being on Adderall for a year and just feeling cracked out. Didn't help me become more normal. It was a twice daily reminder that I was crazy. Before Add and social anxiety meds were invented, people didn't just walk off of cliffs and I don't see why the hell we need them now. I would hate to see people think that just because they're nervous and quiet, or loud and obnoxious that it's time for a doc.

 

There is an endless list of good reasons to seek help and go on meds. I don't see either one of these (SAD or ADD) as good enough. Especially when considering the effect SAD drugs have on kids taking them. Little Timmy can now say hi and play with other kids, but there's a chance he's gonna kill himself in his teens. The means don't justify the ends. Some drugs cause weight gain in adults. There now better adjusted, but are depressed because they gained 2 sizes.

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I agree with this to a point. In my case, it affects my ability to work and function, so I need to work at it.

 

When I work, I avoid bosses at all cost, just because I don't know what to say to them. I am always parking at odd places, so I will not bump onto so and so. Or I walk around the entire office to go two doors over, so I don't have to pass by the VP's fishbowl. In fact, I only learned English when I was 26, but I made it a point to learn how to write, so I could write to people instead of talking to them.

 

I don't go for walks in my neighbourhood at night because a former coworker walks at night too, and I don't want to talk to her--even though I have nothing against her.

 

I feel that people who are as severely affected as I am really need help. I am not shy, I am just socially inept. My husband, on the other hand, is terribly shy, yet he does well in social situations. For example, he tends to get along with superiors really well at work. The guy doesn't need any professional help.

 

Lorena, how does that affect your ability to work? Seems to me that you're doing just fine as far as task completion is concerned.

 

 

There two issues here I'd like to point to:

 

(1) Task completion isn't the only requisite for success in the work place. Have you ever noticed that the people who get promotions--and the credit for everything good that happens--are the the boss-ass-kissers who can hardly ever get anything accomplished?

 

It is unfortunately true. Avoiding the boss goes a long way in helping you be disliked by the boss and in keeping you at the bottom of the corporate ladder.

 

(2) The problem with giving advice to other people is that, often, we think they feel the way we do. Unfortunately, different situations affect every person uniquely, so that you can never start to suspect the suffering I endure by just BEING in the corportate environment. Many times we don't need to look for help because of WHAT PEOPLE CAN SEE about us. We need to reach out for help because of the WAY WE FEEL INSIDE-- at times awfully and disabling.

 

Every person needs to evaluate their level of pain and act accordingly. Only because something works for somebody, it doesn't mean that it will work for me. We need to honestly seek solutions to our pain, which is often like no-one else's.

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Your first point has nothing to do with the discussion. Unless, of course, you think you need therapy becasue you don't make enough money, or that you haven't gained stauts in your company. Most people move up by leaving the job they currently have. The ass kissers are a small population of useless, but likeable individuals who are locked into their jobs and making the best of it. Any smart ass kisser knows they can't just go to a different company for better money, but a person who did their job can go to a company that does not rely on school yard popularity contests to figure out who the good employees are. We don't live in a society where people can hold only one or two jobs until they retire anymore. If the enviroment at your job is not one that you can thrive in, pack your 401K and go somewhere else. I suppose I've worded it as advice, and while it may seem preachy it works. That's why people suggest it.

 

As for #2, If you feel anxious enough to seek help you'll go to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist. Well, isn't the entire science of psychology built upon common behaviors, traits, qualities among people? Our problems share common patterns, and it would be foolish to discredit another person's advice because their experience wasn't identicle to yours. They don't have to be identicle in order for one person to understand another. We do have empathy, which does a pretty good job of bridging the gap. Besides, discrediting another person's advice because they don't understand how you feel creates a paradox. If no one understands how anyone else feels, how do you know for sure if the person truly understands or not? It leaves the possibility that they do in fact understand.

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Your first point has nothing to do with the discussion. Unless, of course, you think you need therapy becasue you don't make enough money, or that you haven't gained stauts in your company. Most people move up by leaving the job they currently have. The ass kissers are a small population of useless, but likeable individuals who are locked into their jobs and making the best of it. Any smart ass kisser knows they can't just go to a different company for better money, but a person who did their job can go to a company that does not rely on school yard popularity contests to figure out who the good employees are. We don't live in a society where people can hold only one or two jobs until they retire anymore. If the enviroment at your job is not one that you can thrive in, pack your 401K and go somewhere else. I suppose I've worded it as advice, and while it may seem preachy it works. That's why people suggest it.

 

As for #2, If you feel anxious enough to seek help you'll go to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist. Well, isn't the entire science of psychology built upon common behaviors, traits, qualities among people? Our problems share common patterns, and it would be foolish to discredit another person's advice because their experience wasn't identicle to yours. They don't have to be identicle in order for one person to understand another. We do have empathy, which does a pretty good job of bridging the gap. Besides, discrediting another person's advice because they don't understand how you feel creates a paradox. If no one understands how anyone else feels, how do you know for sure if the person truly understands or not? It leaves the possibility that they do in fact understand.

 

We are going to have to agree to disagree, Miette. I doubt that we will change each other minds. This forum is here for us to give one another support, not to battle against each other.

 

I dislike arguing and really don't want to get into an argument with you. So, I hope you have a nice weekend. I will have a good one myself.

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  • 2 weeks later...

One problem I've had all my life, both as a Christian and a non-Christian, is the fact that I am anti-social. I really hate being like this. As a Christian I constantly strived to be closer to God, and in doing so I grew apart from the social crowd and, basically, the rest of the world. I have trouble talking to people, I get nervous and anxious, I always worry if the other person hates me or not, and I really hate it. I can't hold a decent conversation without feeling like I'm hated, or feeling awkward, or feeling like I'm wasting the other person's time. I really don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. I want to be able to feel comfortable in a crowd. I want to be able to talk to others without having to be concerned with how they feel about me. Lol, does any of this make sense? Has anyone else ever been anti-social? I know it's not rare, I'm sure others here know where I'm coming from.

 

In a nutshell, I would like to overcome anti-sociality. It's plagued me all my life, and I've been trying for a long time now to overcome it, but to no avail. Can anyone help?

 

Thanks,

-DMU

 

To be honest, I'm like that too...except I'm not nervous or anxious. I'm just not interested in social interaction with people who neglect me in the first place. The thing is, I'm just not the kind of person who goes up to people and initiate the conversation first, unless of course it's someone I find an interest in (ex. attractive girl). I like to be alone often and find it more comforting. This doesn't mean that I can't function properly in a work or school environment. I can get along with everyone just fine like a normal person. It's just the casual social interaction that I'm not much of a fan of. I mean, two to three people is fine, but beyond that feels like I won't belong in the group anymore, because other people will have more things in common than me. I've always been the neglected type in which where a room full of people conversing would only pay me attention if there was only one other person left in the room.

 

People have tried to suggest doctors for me, but I'm really not in the mood. I've always been the one to think that I only need one or two REAL friends in this world anyway.

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