What Were Jesus's Masturbatory Fantasies Like?

[Guest Glaswegian]

What were Jesus's masturbatory fantasies like? What did he imagine himself doing to females (or to males - if he was gay) sexually as he fondled, caressed and rubbed his penis? What did he imagine females (or males) doing to him as he felt Percy becoming engorged with blood and erect in his un-nailed hand? What erotic scenarios did he conjure up in his mind as he pleasured himself - say, in a secret recess of the synagogue after prayer, or under his blanket as he lay on the cold earth beneath the stars, or in the seclusion of a barn with only the animals looking on?....Now hold it just one minute, Christian!

 

Surely you aren't going to say that Jesus never had any masturbatory fantasies? Surely you aren't going to say that Jesus was above playing with himself and only touched his penis whenever he wanted to urinate and always washed his hands after doing so even in the desert? Surely you aren't going to say that Jesus never moaned and gasped and flexed his buttocks as he ejaculated into the air after he gave Percy a good spanking? Surely you aren't going to say that? Because if you do say that then you are either naive or else you are being utterly dishonest with yourself. And what is even worse for you - your whole religion will collapse!

 

After all, your religion teaches that God became incarnate in Jesus, doesn't it? That God took the form of the man Jesus when He supposedly walked upon this earth. But if Jesus was a man - a real man - then he must have been subject to a whole gamut of sexual feelings, desires, impulses and urges from his earliest years and onwards into manhood. Therefore, he must also have been subject to the need - the very human need - to satisfy these feelings, desires and impulses etc. either in practice or in fantasy. Because if Jesus wasn't subject to the operation of the sex instinct in any way then he possessed an unfair advantage - in spiritual terms - over all the flesh and blood men who are subject to it without exception. Clearly, if the sex instinct along with its weird and wonderful manifestations in body and mind was completely absent in Jesus then all of that stuff about the 'Word becoming flesh' is hollow and meaningless - a sham.

 

Now, the Christian who is capable of being honest with himself might concede that the sex instinct did indeed operate in Jesus but that nevertheless Jesus did not give way to it. Did not indulge it. Did not allow it expression in any way. Neither in fantasy nor action. Not even once. Not as a child or as a pubescent boy or as a man. In other words, although Jesus like every other man was subject to the operation of the sex instinct from his earliest years the feelings, desires, impulses, urges, tensions, fantasies, wishes and dreams etc. which this instinct naturally gives rise to were unknown to him; that these forms of carnality were somehow miraculously blocked off from his conscious awareness so that his mind remained free of them. This view rests on a number of dubious assumptions - one of which is glaringly so. And it is this one: that the aforementioned phenomena produced by the sex instinct are inherently bad and that in order to be wholly 'Good' and 'Pure' like Jesus allegedly was, he had to be somehow free of their 'contaminating' effect.

 

But if the phenomena produced by the sex instinct are inherently bad then why did the God who was allegedly in Jesus create this instinct in the first place? I mean, a God who endowed the human race with a sex instinct and then rebuked humanity for the natural operation of this instinct in them on the ground that the things it gives rise to are spiritually contaminating would be a God who is vindictive in the extreme, wouldn't He? His treatment of humanity with regard to this instinct would be wanton and malicious; and no different from, say, creating a creature with wings and feathers and then rebuking it for having the audacity to fly.

 

If the sex instinct operated in Jesus then he must have been aware of its natural manifestations in both body and mind. Plainly, a sex instinct which does not impact on the body and mind of the man who owns it is inconceivable by us who are flesh and blood. In fact, it might as well be non-existent as far as we are concerned. We can take it, then, that if the sex instinct existed in Jesus then it made itself felt in him as it does in all men. That is, Jesus woke up in the mornings with an erection, experienced wet dreams, and in all likelihood had a hard on when he rode into Jerusalem that time on the back of a donkey - (How many men can honestly say they've never had a hard on from bumping up and down on the seat of a bus with poor suspension?) - and was subject to the rest of the things which the sex instinct gives rise to.

 

So what does the foregoing mean for the Christian's standard image of Jersus? Well, what it means, of course, is that the Christian's standard image of Jesus as a non-sexual being - as a non-masturbator, for example - is a thoroughly unreal and sanitised image, which is to say, a false and distorted image.

 

Given that Jesus was subject to the operation of the sex instinct which is universal in all men, how did he deal with his desire to have sex with his mother Mary and kill his 'earthly' father Joseph? - how did he deal with what Freudians call the Oedipus Complex? For example, what was going on in the mind of the child Jesus as he listened at night to his 'earthly' father having sex with his mother in the adjoining room? (Surely, Christian, you're not going to say that Jesus's mother and 'earthly' father never had sex? Surely you're not going to say that?) Did he react to this sexual activity with resentment, jealousy and frustration or did the God who was allegedly in him look upon it as 'Good'?

 

When Jesus heard the squeals and moans of love-making through the cloth curtain covering the doorway between his parents' room and his own (Or perhaps Jesus's humble abode only had one room?) what emotional effect did this have on him? Did he say to himself: 'Doesn't that...that...that human know I can hear everything he's doing to my mother in there (or over there)? That I can hear every sweaty smack, every squelch!' Did the child Jesus cover his ears with his hands, bury his face in his straw pillow and console himself with the thought that one day when he was older and bigger he would redeem the whole of mankind? Yes, even the man who was making 'the beast with two backs' with his mother. And did he ever one night tip-toe across the clay floor of his humble abode in the moonlight to that flimsy cloth curtain covering the doorway (or part of the room) and peer behind it at the primal scene (Freud) which his mother and 'earthly' father were enacting in all its naked and torrid reality?

 

No doubt the human all too human scenes I have described here from Jesus's childhood will be dismissed by many Christians as nothing more than speculation. However, given the paucity of information we have about Jesus's childhood, to hold that these scenes never took place is itself only speculation.

 

Regards

 

James

[Lycorth]

Well, clearly he was into pain and humiliation...

[Guest JP]

Well, clearly he was into pain and humiliation...

 

My jaw just hit the floor.

[pandora]

Is that anything like erotic autoasphyxiation?

[Thackerie]

Well, clearly he was into pain and humiliation...

 

And don't forget: He also liked sheep. A lot.

[Vigile]

Perhaps he just nipped it in the bud and whacked it right off (pun partially intended): "If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out." - Matthew 18:9

[SwissMiss]

Great post, James.

 

You are, of course, touching on a very sore point with many Christians who would rather stick their fingers in their ears and sing at the tops of their voices at the mere mention of anything to do with Jesus' sexuality. And it doesn't stop with Jesus, from what I have heard, some Catholics are pretty uncomfortable with the idea that his mother even had periods let alone had sex with her, by then, lawful husband Joseph! You need only remember the backlash heaped on Martin Scorsese, for having the temerity to suggest that Jesus could have fantasised about having sex with Mary Magdalene in his film The Last Temptation of Christ.

 

There are many examples you could cite with regard to the "unfair" advantages that Jesus carried into his earthly life with this issue being just one. Like, for example, the fact that, as The Boss's Son, it would have been pretty simple to endure a mere 33 years of "human humiliation" - a timescale that vanishes into insignificance when compared with the past and future eternities that he has existed as part of the Trinity. A little off-topic, I realise and I apologise, but that is the reason that films such as The Passion of the Christ annoy me so much because thousands and thousands of people were murdered in such a way and I can't believe that the Romans were always that fastidious about punishing only the guillty; why then should so much attention be given to this one individual? Someone who, by his own prediction [John 2:19-21] would only be dead for three days before being allowed back to his life of comfort and privilege with his heavenly dad! (Give or take the several weeks of post-reserrection-hood, of course - his "glowy" period.)

 

It is incredible to me why there is always such a Christian furore when it comes to sexual matters. We all of us have this urge to indulge in sexual activities, whatever they may be, but I think what scares the Christian so much is that something so inherently human can make us feel so damn good! God doesn't get a look in! (Okay, okay, I've been known to give God and Jesus a few name-checks in the heat of a passionate clinch or two but that hardly counts!!) The whole act is exclusively human; it originates from within a human, it's focussed towards a human (hopefully!!) and its fundamental purpose is for the procreation of a human.

 

Let's face it, there aren't many things that can feel as good as sex and that is what religion has to compete with and why it seeks to undermine it. When a sexually unrepressed Christian [oxymoron] can put his hand on his heart and say that Sunday Praise and Worship is better than sex then I will retract that last statement!

 

From my point of view, Jesus (had he existed) would have gained far more respect had he faced the challenges of holding down a relationship and raising a family; rather than doing everything he could to minimise his humanity!

 

Very thought-provoking, James, thanks.

[wideawake42]

 

Let's face it, there aren't many things that can feel as good as sex and that is what religion has to compete with and why it seeks to undermine it. When a sexually unrepressed Christian [oxymoron] can put his hand on his heart and say that Sunday Praise and Worship is better than sex then I will retract that last statement!

 

Great post, both OP and you, Swiss. It reminds me a bit of 1984 - the way Big Brother forbids sexuality in any other situation except to procreate, because that is what they have to compete with. It's the same thing, in essentials, isn't it?

 

My guess is that the real Jesus probably masturbated to every woman he wouldn't let himself touch, then beat himself afterwards for his iniquity/humanity. All done in secret of course. He did believe he was the Christ, I think. But he was also a lunatic, just another mystic cult leader.

[snookums]

What were Jesus's masturbatory fantasies like? What did he imagine himself doing to females (or to males - if he was gay) sexually as he fondled, caressed and rubbed his penis? What did he imagine females (or males) doing to him as he felt Percy becoming engorged with blood and erect in his un-nailed hand? What erotic scenarios did he conjure up in his mind as he pleasured himself - say, in a secret recess of the synagogue after prayer, or under his blanket as he lay on the cold earth beneath the stars, or in the seclusion of a barn with only the animals looking on?....Now hold it just one minute, Christian!

 

 

Why don't you just say....

' I THINK JESUS WAS A WANKER'"

 

(or a tosser)

 

Love your stuff btw...I eat it all up!

[white_raven23]

Amy Marie might know.

Probably hopes he thinks of her.

[Guest Glaswegian]

Excellent post, SwissMiss. It was a delight to read.

 

There are many examples you could cite with regard to the "unfair" advantages that Jesus carried into his earthly life with this issue being just one. Like, for example, the fact that, as The Boss's Son, it would have been pretty simple to endure a mere 33 years of "human humiliation" - a timescale that vanishes into insignificance when compared with the past and future eternities that he has existed as part of the Trinity.

 

This is a great point you've made here.

[Vixentrox]

Well, you have all these men wanting to be "brides of Christ". Maybe Jesus wanked to thoughts of all these men wanting to be his bride.

[MrMalone]

Good post. Things that make you go.. hmmm.

[Jose]

I guess none of you have read, "Lamb, the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal" by Christopher Moore.

 

I heartily recommend it for more on this subject.

[Vigile]

Well, you have all these men wanting to be "brides of Christ". Maybe Jesus wanked to thoughts of all these men wanting to be his bride.

 

LOL, I guess Jesus wants to make them his boss bitches

[RHEMtron]

This reminds me of one of Chef's posts: Jesus Was a Homo in His Heart

 

Hebrews 4:15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 29If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

 

Matthew 5:27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'[a] 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

 

In order to be tempted a human must experience lust for a thing or act.

 

One who experiences lust has already sinned in his heart.

 

In order for one to choose to be a homo a man must first lust (be tempted) to suck cock.

 

Jesus was tempted in every way that we can be.

 

Jesus was tempted to suck a guy's cock. Jesus lusted for cock.

 

Jesus was a homo in his heart.

[snookums]

I find it very difficult to take the 'life of jesuss' seriously.

 

Does anyone else?

 

Surely is mythology - crashed into the back of truck & reflected back to the christian individual, in their mirror - when the look at self.

 

Also I find it curiously spooky that to enter into this kind of discussion - posed by Glaswegian, that I have surreptiously been asked to agree to accept the existence of jessus.

 

The same effect happens no matter which viewpoint is taken....Pro xian, Anti xian.....or anything inbetween.?

 

To me its like dissecting "Daffy Duck".

 

And that's no longer funny - is it? Kinda like a waste of energy?

[Guest Glaswegian]

In the OP I wanted to spell out some of the implications which Jesus's sexuality as a human being has for his alleged divinity.

 

But let's take a look at the implications which Jesus's humanity has for his alleged divinity in general. This exercise is useful because it also serves to show that the Christian's standard image of Jesus is 'a thoroughly unreal and sanitised image, which is to say, a false and distorted image.'

 

For example, one of the implications of Jesus's humanity would be his suffering from constipation on at least some occasions during his life. (Surely, Christian, you're not going to say that Jesus was never constipated? Or that he never had diarrhoea? Or that he never shit his goatskin knickers when he was a kid? Or that he never even had a wet fart? Incidentally, what did Jesus's farts smell like? Frankincense? Surely you're not going to say that?) Anyway, picture Jesus constipated and squatting over a public cess pit beneath the scorching Judaean sun, his bristled buttocks bared to the world, his hair and body drenched with sweat, veins bulging on his temples, grimacing and groaning, as he tried for all he was worth to squeeze out an intractable turd esconced in his rectum. Now, how did Jesus view this human, all too human form of suffering? How did he see it as bearing on his mission as World Redeemer? Did he see this form of suffering as vitally necessary? As being all part of the plan? Did the God who was allegedly in Jesus look upon this suffering as 'Good'? Or did this God say to Himself: 'Perhaps I could have come up with a better, more dignifying method of expelling the body's waste products than this.' Was this God tempted perhaps to resort to a little miracle to deal with the immovable faeces in Jesus's arse ( Or was it His own arse)? Was the God who was allegedly in Jesus not perhaps moved to say to that shit, to that inert rotting waste - as He did at Lazarus's tomb - 'Come forth!'

 

Who knows?

[Vigile]

I love your posts Glaswegian!

[Soule]

heh well if he truly was taught at a buddhist monistary, he would have practiced since the age of 14 to eliminate desire. this includes sexual desire. if you want to learn about this kind of thing, talk to a buddhist monk. or anyone else who practices buddhism.

[Vigile]

this begs the question then, how is buddhism any less personally harmful than xianity? I know there are some Buddhists here who seem to have it together pretty well so I'm not trying to be antagonistic with this question.

[snookums]

For me.....its rather a moot point but I can see how this kind of process of 'humanisation' of the symbolic or mythical jesbus might spark off a few loose brain cells in the average christian..............doubt it thou'...

 

 

 

I think the 'average' xians forms an imagine.....much like the one created in that old 50's movie....Um...what's it called? The guy has an imaginary friend that he talks to constantly.....a big, six foot eight, white rabbit called Harvey click I personally don't think the average xian thinks...(full stop).....about the implications of jebus humanity etc. ...as the "son of gawd",,,he kinda is a fake human anyway.....and would be able to get away with all kinds of 'shit'...pardon the pun..

 

Fuck god thou'......ya think he'd look after his 'son' a bit better...instead what does he do......use him as a sacrifice. Geeze ..glad he ain't my parent!........

 

I don't think many xians would want to 'imagine' jebus on the dunny...crapping like the entire contents of soup kitchen late Friday night after the pub is closed.........cos that would upset their tender 'stomach' for the ingestion of a bit of reeeeality.

 

Yeah....shitting, crapping, gawd forbid...enjoying a bloodly nice bowel movement in the morning is not part of the picture.............you are right thou'.......going 'poo' 'poo's' is the one equaliser of all us humans..........every race, class and sex has in common. Derr!

 

It unites us all ....as human...and animals.....yep! (we now speak in hush tones....could jebus be a rabbit?)

 

Not that I'm expecting your ' gracelessness'....to 'grace' me with a reply.....Have you seen that movie by Monty Python...In search of the HOly Grail....of course you have.!

 

I definately think I've hit on an idea about THE holy 'rabbit'....confused?...don't be...

 

the resurrection...

 

 

It begs a question.....did jesus eat his own shit?

 

 

 

 

 

this begs the question then, how is buddhism any less personally harmful than xianity? I know there are some Buddhists here who seem to have it together pretty well so I'm not trying to be antagonistic with this question.

 

I don't think it is...less 'persoanlly harmful - it depends on the person ... believe it or not...there are fundamentalist type buddhists too....all kinds of buddhists.

[Guest Glaswegian]

Thanks to modern science we know that when the average male in his prime ejaculates his semen contains enough sperm to populate half of China - 600 million spermatozoa in a typical spurt. Therefore, Jewish religious leaders who lived at the time of Jesus were wrong when they held that masturbation was a grave sin because it was a deliberate waste of sperm that should have been used solely to add to the population. Now, given that one of the attributes of God is omniscience, why didn't the God who was allegedly in Jesus tell those Jewish religious leaders that all of that stuff they proclaimed about 'spilt seed' was completely at odds with the facts of human biology? That it was idiotic of them to gnash their teeth over 'spilt seed' since there was enough seed in the testes of any one of them to populate all the planets in the Milky Way in the course of a lifetime?

 

But do you know what is even more contemptible than those Jewish religious leaders' attitude towards masturbation? God's attitude towards it. After all, if He is omniscient and knows 'all things at all times in all places' then He must have known that the religion born of His alleged Son would wreak havoc on the mental and emotional life of hundreds of millions of people as a result of the anxiety and guilt it fostered regarding the practice of masturbation. He must have been fully aware that the Christian religion's teachings about masturbation would cause misery and suffering on an enormous scale across the centuries.

 

For example, some of the 'remedies' for masturbation in young boys which the Christian religion has inspired are as follows:

 

'Tying boys hands to their bedposts or chaining them to walls when they slept; putting a wire ring through the foreskin of the penis or wearing a spiked ring on the penis, both procedures making erection and stimulation extremely painful; the wearing of straitjacket-like restraints to keep the hands away from forbidden territory; and, in a few cases, even castration and removal of the penis.'

 

Since these cruel and unnatural 'remedies' for masturbation in young boys derive from a religion whose founder professed that he viewed the 'suffering of little ones' as particularly abhorrent, you would think that the God who was allegedly in Jesus would have been strongly moved to inculcate a more enlightened view about masturbation in His Son's contemporaries not only for their sake but for the sake of future generations destined to be exposed to the Christian creed, wouldn't you? But He is silent on the matter.

[snookums]

Thanks to modern science we know that when the average male in his prime ejaculates his semen contains enough sperm to populate half of China - 600 million spermatozoa in a typical spurt. Therefore, Jewish religious leaders who lived at the time of Jesus were wrong when they held that masturbation was a grave sin because it was a deliberate waste of sperm that should have been used solely to add to the population. Now, given that one of the attributes of God is omniscience, why didn't the God who was allegedly in Jesus tell those Jewish religious leaders that all of that stuff they proclaimed about 'spilt seed' was completely at odds with the facts of human biology? That it was idiotic of them to gnash their teeth over 'spilt seed' since there was enough seed in the testes of any one of them to populate all the planets in the Milky Way in the course of a lifetime?

 

But do you know what is even more contemptible than those Jewish religious leaders' attitude towards masturbation? God's attitude towards it. After all, if He is omniscient and knows 'all things at all times in all places' then He must have known that the religion born of His alleged Son would wreak havoc on the mental and emotional life of hundreds of millions of people as a result of the anxiety and guilt it fostered regarding the practice of masturbation. He must have been fully aware that the Christian religion's teachings about masturbation would cause misery and suffering on an enormous scale across the centuries.

 

For example, some of the 'remedies' for masturbation in young boys which the Christian religion has inspired are as follows:

 

'Tying boys hands to their bedposts or chaining them to walls when they slept; putting a wire ring through the foreskin of the penis or wearing a spiked ring on the penis, both procedures making erection and stimulation extremely painful; the wearing of straitjacket-like restraints to keep the hands away from forbidden territory; and, in a few cases, even castration and removal of the penis.'

 

Since these cruel and unnatural 'remedies' for masturbation in young boys derive from a religion whose founder professed that he viewed the 'suffering of little ones' as particularly abhorrent, you would think that the God who was allegedly in Jesus would have been strongly moved to inculcate a more enlightened view about masturbation in His Son's contemporaries not only for their sake but for the sake of future generations destined to be exposed to the Christian creed, wouldn't you? But He is silent on the matter.

 

Yes....exactly right ...all god /jehovah wants is the "suffering of little ones"...

 

and to make matter's even worst.....the bastard Jehovah somehow put an idea in the Jewish leader's heads.....that circumcision was a great idea for the new born baby boy - in fact on the eigth day of life......have you ever seen a poor little baby without a dick because some idiot slipped with the knife...or the 'teething' type symptoms that go on for days...

 

& it been a hit with the jews for a very long time......you'd think they would have let go of that one by now...but no just because jehovah/god says...nobody wants to speak up and say enough! The silly 'follower's' can see it with their own eyes...the pain..the torchure..but nope they will not stop going along with 'tradition'.....some jews have been know to perform the ritual on themselves...don't believe me click hereclick here

 

 

I don't think that 'free will' at all do you?.....the idea that if you do it or else.....but that's a god for you.

 

Did you know about the holy bit of forskin - a real live relic called theHoly Prepuce that jebus was said to have sliced off his dick as a wee lad .Various miraculous powers have been ascribed to it. *can't wait to hear everyone's testimony on that little gem*........

 

what has all this circumcision have to do with wanking and the seed of holy jebus....

 

oh a couple of things......

 

I think jehovah - god is obsessed with human sex - wanking, fornication you name it....he goes on and on about it ...

I think jehovah - god is obsessed with torchuring humanbeings.....especially for wanking and sex -with some exceptions - it must be the right kind of sex with the right kind of person. A married one...

 

 

Maybe the scar of circumcision has something to do with remembering god....and how great it feels to be part of his clan?......so everytime you tug..you can say 'thankyou jesus'....opps....or 'thankyea jehovah'...

 

I'm only guessing...I don't have a penis but

 

Maybe circumcision makes wanking a much longer and possibly a better 'experience'.....you can critic my generalisation and lack of resource...please! I'd quite enjoy hearing from you .....tell me all about it!

 

However if you have experienced a fair bit of pain while trying to 'make love to yourself'....then click here... look to see if your dick resembles these pictures of mangled penisii and get ready to ring your lawyer........I doubt god or jerrhovah..gives a shit about it.

 

Lastly......I wonder if jehovah or glasswegian...even care if 'girls' do "it."...................*shock*...yes they do.....

 

(its a wee bit 'sexist' or impolite not to include us girls......but I bet you and god secretly or not so secretly love to watch us play with our wee little bugdie)

 

(loved it...btw)

 

[Everglaze]

I think Jesus was a masochist. He probably also dreamed about dry humping Mary Magdalene every time he was with her.