Knightley Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 I've talked about this in the past but things are getting bad pretty lately. I could use some advice. Ever since my parents divorced, its been just me and my mom, they got divorced when I was in my early teens and I pretty much grew up with her. Its gotten to the point where we rarely talk, I quit doing things with her about a few months ago simply because anytime we did we would end up in arguments over stupid stuff. I realized this year that we will never be one of those mother/daughter duos where we say we're best friends, or even friends at all. Sometimes she gets mad or upset when I go to my friends with personal stuff and anytime I tell her anything personal then she gets mad, so I don't even tell her much at all. What's the point, if all she does is get mad that I made the wrong decision? I've regretted telling her things in the past. Its really hard because we rarely talk, we don't do much anymore, and when we do talk we usually argue. I just don't care anymore and I'm at the point where I feel like giving up, I've felt this way before but I have pretty much given up the hope that we'll ever be close even as mother and daughter, its not like we have to be "best friends." It just really sucks. I wish that things could be different. I wish that my mom could see me as my own person. So I think I will eventually be moving out at the end of this year, because we just can't take each other anymore. I'm at the point where I feel like giving up on our relationship completely, I'd never cut her out of my life, but I just can't take it. Its too much, and I never thought that I'd be at this place but here I am. Its just so hard lately, what's the point of even trying anymore? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minstrel Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 Time and distance can make the heart grow fonder...but, don't ever expect it to make you into bosom buddies. My daughter and her mother clash like titans when they're near each other... But, when they live apart, they jump through the highest hoops to find a way of getting back together...only to clash again bigger than before. Be good to yourself...and leave the stress as soon as prudent... There's no way I could know if your mother will follow a pattern similar to what I've witnessed...but...IMHO...less stress is a good tonic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kurari Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 It helps to realize that moms are people who have their own lives, their own issues, and sometimes they have a really hard time recognizing their children are adults and they CAN'T tell them what to do anymore. They've been in the "parent" role so long they don't see the double digit age that starts with a "2," or the steady job, or the bills you pay. Being nagged at, told what to do, talked down to, and made to feel like an idiot because you made a mistake may have been appropriate when you were 13, but when you're an adult, it's blatent disrespect and you DON'T have to put up with it anymore. I think moving out is the best thing you can do. Who knows? I've got a lot of friends who cannot STAND living with their mothers and had constant at-your-throat arguments with them, but once they were gone and their parents finally realized that "Oh my god...my child is an adult!" and had time to adjust, they became friends again. However, if it doesn't work out, I know how painful that can be. My mom and I used to be the "best friend/inseperable duo" until my mother became so absorbed in herself and her own issues she started manipulating and abusing me so she didn't have to deal with them. I didn't blame myself, but my anger with her and her disrespectful behaviour has been a slow burning acid wound that I'm still trying to cool and heal. But it's helped me to remind me what I said before. My mom is a person with her own issues she has to deal with, and it's not my problem. I've put down the olive branch for now, and I limit my visits or phone calls to very rarely. My mother has finally started to understand she's not allowed to disrespect me anymore and is slowly toeing the line. Who knows? She might finally "get it" one day. And when she has shown me some real proof of humility and friendship as an adult again, I'll pick up that peace branch again. In the meantime, I suggest you start pulling back. If she can't have a civil conversation, she doesn't get to have one. If she starts an argument, walk away. Immediately. Say nothing, and leave. It sends a clear message she has no control. If she follows you or tells you not to walk away, either keep walking or tell her the discussion is over in a calm and low voice so she has stop talking in order to hear you. Hope that helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knightley Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 Thank you so much, well things are getting better slowly. My mom decided to see a counselor and is taking his advice, so we're going to go together and deal with the issues. She's actually starting to let me be my own person and that she can't push like she used to, but I definitely think that being on my own is just something that I need to do. Its definitely time to lead my own life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LosingMyReligion Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I know how you feel. I go through it with my mom too. At this point I have to be at home, as a full-time college student, and 90% of the time my mom and I get on fine...But 10% of the time we are at each other's throats. My mom can't understand that I am finding my own identity now. It is partially my fault because I spent the better part of my 20 some odd years being the perfect son... I am in counseling at this point, and I think she needs to go as well. But don't sweat it. This is bound to happen. You are a grown up now but she still views you as that little child that she just brought home from the hospital. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knightley Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Thank you for the advice, it helps to have support here at exc from good people. Well I just found out that my mom went to this new agey/holistic counselor, that's who she went to. We had the option of this guy and a psychologist with a Ph.D. but no she goes to holistic/new agey dude. Now I love my mother but she always needs to have a spiritual twist to everything. Actually last week we got in a fight over which counselor to choose from, and she got mad at me because I didn't want to go to the new age one. I just don't get it. She gets mad at me, ugh. I told her that I would go with her once and that's it. I think that once I find a new job again since I quit work as a telemarketer at the credit card company, then I will go to that psychologist with a Ph.D. because frankly all my problems are getting to me. And I'm going to start doubling my efforts to move out, and LMR that's how I am too. I'm trying to find my own identity, and sometimes I feel like all my mom wants me to be is like her, she wants to fix me so I can be like her and do what she wants and ugh, I just have to be me. Its good to know that I'm not the only one with mommy issues. Thanks so much you guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponymic Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Thank you for the advice, it helps to have support here at exc from good people. Well I just found out that my mom went to this new agey/holistic counselor, that's who she went to. We had the option of this guy and a psychologist with a Ph.D. but no she goes to holistic/new agey dude. Its good to know that I'm not the only one with mommy issues. Thanks so much you guys. Given that I don't know specifics, all I can say is that it's obvious that you two aren't speaking to each other in the correct manner. Hopefully whatever counselor you decide on can help you both overcome your variant communication styles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minstrel Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I'm trying to find my own identity, and sometimes I feel like all my mom wants me to be is like her, she wants to fix me so I can be like her and do what she wants and ugh, I just have to be me. Sadly, this isn't always the case. More often than not...the real case is - the parent does not want you to be like they were...and they're doing everything in their power to keep you from it. Kind of like the parents who had premarital sex not allowing their children to date at all... Or parents who did drugs, or booze or whatever...those are the areas they too often become so obnoxious (and hypocritical) about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knightley Posted August 2, 2006 Author Share Posted August 2, 2006 Thanks Minstrel well its pretty hard understanding my mom, and she has always been a good person, trying to do the right thing and I am pretty much like her in that regard, in that I'm a "clean-cut" kid and never really became a wild child. But anyway, we still have our issues, thanks for trying to help me out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chefranden Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 I've talked about this in the past but things are getting bad pretty lately. I could use some advice. Ever since my parents divorced, its been just me and my mom, they got divorced when I was in my early teens and I pretty much grew up with her. Its gotten to the point where we rarely talk, I quit doing things with her about a few months ago simply because anytime we did we would end up in arguments over stupid stuff. I realized this year that we will never be one of those mother/daughter duos where we say we're best friends, or even friends at all. Sometimes she gets mad or upset when I go to my friends with personal stuff and anytime I tell her anything personal then she gets mad, so I don't even tell her much at all. What's the point, if all she does is get mad that I made the wrong decision? I've regretted telling her things in the past. Its really hard because we rarely talk, we don't do much anymore, and when we do talk we usually argue. I just don't care anymore and I'm at the point where I feel like giving up, I've felt this way before but I have pretty much given up the hope that we'll ever be close even as mother and daughter, its not like we have to be "best friends." It just really sucks. I wish that things could be different. I wish that my mom could see me as my own person. So I think I will eventually be moving out at the end of this year, because we just can't take each other anymore. I'm at the point where I feel like giving up on our relationship completely, I'd never cut her out of my life, but I just can't take it. Its too much, and I never thought that I'd be at this place but here I am. Its just so hard lately, what's the point of even trying anymore? My sister and my mother couldn't get along either when sister was home. Once she moved out and they cooled off they became pretty good friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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