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Who Wants To Be A "heaven-heir"?


brad_religion
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I was thinking that many christians claim that you have to believe the right things in order to "get to heaven", which is almost like you have to know the answer to a bunch of trivia questions regarding the bible and Jesus. So, here is a treat for you, hopefully you will like it.

 

 

“Who wants to be a Heaven-heir?”

 

Plot : The biblegod is a cosmic gameshow host who puts every person who dies in the “hot seat”.

 

He asks them 15 multiple choice questions and if they get them all correct, they will become a “heaven-heir”.

 

The only thing is that if they get any one of the questions incorrect, instead of any prize money, they get an automatic ejection from the “hot seat” into hell.

 

But, to be fair, the biblegod gives them 3 lifelines in order to help them along the way. The first lifeline is “phone a friend”, where they can call any departed person in heaven or hell. The second lifeline is eliminating 2 of the wrong answers. The third lifeline is asking the audience (departed saints). Depending on your view of the biblegod, it will either WANT every person to answer every question correctly but not actually give them the answers (free will god) or it will GIVE the answers to only a select few people it has chosen to play the game prior to dying (in other words, it will cheat – the Calvinist god).

 

 

Question #1 – Who was the first named couple that I, the biblegod, created in a certain garden?

 

A)Saddam and Osama……….B)Adam and Steve……..C)Adam and Eve…….D)Adam and Lilith?

 

 

Question #2 – Who is to blame for what I, the biblegod, did and still do wrong?

 

A)Satan………B)Biblegod……C)People…….D)The Easter Bunny

 

 

Question #3 – What was the date that my son, Jesus Christ was born?

 

A)December 25, Year Zero……B)December 25, 3 BC…….C)September 21, 100 BC…..D)October 31, 666 AD?

 

 

Question #4 – Why did I, the biblegod create the sun, moon and stars?

 

A)I like big hydrogen balls…..B)I like giving skin cancer to children….C)Signs and seasons (astrology)….D)I was bored

 

 

Question #5 – How is a person born again?

 

A)By saying the sinner’s prayer….B)By being baptized in water in the name of Jesus…..C)By being baptized in water in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit….D)By speaking in tongues

 

 

Question #6 – When my son, told people to drink his blood to have eternal life, what did he mean?

 

A)Drink his actual blood…..B)Drink actual wine……C)Drink wine that symbolically was his blood….D)Drink wine that literally became the blood of Jesus

 

 

Question #7 – Who provoked David to number Israel?

 

A)King Saul……B)Biblegod…….C)Satan…….D)His wife

 

 

Question #8 – According to the bible, who smears shit on people’s faces?

 

A)Nebuchadnezzar…..B)Satan……C)Pagans…….D)Biblegod

 

 

Question #9 – How much money do I require to be given if you redeem your tithes?

 

A)One-tenth……B)One-twentieth…..C)One-fifth……D)None

 

 

Question #10 – How was Abraham justified?

 

A)Works……B)Faith… C)Money……D)How many wives he had

 

 

Question #11 – According to the bible, when were the last days?

 

A)2000 years in the future…..B)Throughout history…..C)The days of the apostles….D)No such thing

 

 

Question #12 – What do I, the biblegod, think about childbirth?

 

A)I command it……B)I think it is sinful…..C)I don’t care……..D)I think what you think

 

 

Question #13 – What do I, the biblegod, think about a man who has sex with his daughters?

 

A)He is an evil sinner……B)He is a nice guy, just fallible…..C)He was molested when he was a child….D)He is a righteous man

 

 

Question #14 – Why was I going to kill Moses in the beginning of his ministry?

 

A)He skipped on paying his restaurant check…..B)He didn’t sacrifice an animal properly….C)He didn’t circumcise his son…..D)He committed adultery

 

 

Question #15 – Why should I let you into heaven?

 

A)Because I believed in Jesus……B)Because I killed heretics for you…..C)Because I am a good person….D)What makes you think I would want to be in heaven with an arrogant prick like you?

 

 

And feel free to change the questions to whatever you want. I just thought these would be good for starters.

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