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A Journey Back And Forth, And Finally Out


Guest Egregore
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Guest Egregore

Well, where do I begin? I was raised in a catholic family, and a typical one at that! We went to mass most sundays, and I hated it. I was bored to death the whole time. But I went to catholic school, and enjoyed being with the people I was friends with. I made my first 'confession' and my first communion, and all the other rituals catholics go through in adolescence (up to Confirmation). After that I became highly skeptical of the whole "playing religion" task. I started realizing things: My father claimed to be a 'true Christian' but he used "Goddamn" and "Jesus Christ" all the time as explitives (sp?), and so did my mom. My dad would constantly make racial comments about people, black, hispanic, etc.

 

And so I started waking up to the realizations that many people who claim to be 'Christians' are nothing more than hypocrites. So I started hanging out with people who my parents throught were "bad people", doing drugs (I smoked a lot of pot and dropped acid mostly), etc. I also started reading Anton Szandor Levay's books. I started fancying myself as a "Satanist".

 

Well I ended up getting depressed and anxious from all the drugs and the dark, teenage "goth" mentality I had. Eventually A friend "introduced me to Christ". So I got 'saved' and 'delivered'. Well, I became a BIG fundie, evangelizing and handing out home made tracts with my 'story of salvation'. Etc. ad nauseum. This went on from 2001 up until recently.

 

Recently I decided I better start thinking for myself. I started researching different religions again, mostly eastern, especially Buddhism. Buddhism stresses meditation, which I started doing at least two times a day. As I meditated, I became more 'aware' - that is to say, I started realizing things about myself and my relation to the universe.

 

Here are a few things I realized:

 

* 'We' Are nothing but a collection of egos

* 'I' "am" nothing but an ego

* There is a world outside our ego, or this ego is all we have

* We don't know what there is beyond this life, at least, not absolutely for sure

* Once we lose this ego, we are in union with everything else, or we are nothing anymore.

 

Someone once said that life is the great indulgence, and death is the great abstinence (actually, it was Lavey in 'The Satanic Bible'); I see things this way: Life is the great contemplation of mysteries, death is the great EXPERIENCE of the mystery. This means that once we move past our ego, we will truly KNOW what there is, where, whether heaven or hell. And if there is NOTHING after death, then we won't know anything, cause there'll be nothing to know.

 

As I started thinking for myself, and once I stopped letting men who lived 2,000 years ago think for me, I started developing my own paradigm. I started practicing chaos magic (which I'm still a novice student at), which has the motto "Nothing is true, all things are permitted". This is NOW how I see things. I don't KNOW the truth, and neither do you. But anything is possible.

 

In conclusion, I've gone from one world, to another, back and forth, and I really hope I don't go back anymore. No, I won't let myself go back. That would be the only sin - to go from thinking for myself to being a slave again.

 

The greatest thing, I think, you can do for yourself, is to test everything and come to your own conclusions about the meaning of anything and everything. This is something Christians don't do. And it's a shame because I know that we live in a subjective 'reality', and they want to make it an absolute 'reality'.

 

I hope you enjoyed hearing my story about my transition between belief and disbelief.

 

DOUBT EVERYTHING! :)

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Hey welcome to the club. I think we have a little in common like reading the satanic bible.

Anyway I think it is good that you started thinking for yourself. I wish more people would think for themselves but I can not control that.

Maybe we can discuss this more in the future. You seem like an interesting person and I would like to hear some more of your conclusions on life as you know it.

Check out some of the other forums on EX-C you can learn a lot from them.

 

Douglas

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The greatest thing, I think, you can do for yourself, is to test everything and come to your own conclusions about the meaning of anything and everything.

 

DOUBT EVERYTHING! :)

 

I like that, Egregore. Try everything but do not take anything as dogma.

Personally, I learn a little from everything and continue to form my very own ideas.

 

Welcome to the forums! I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

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Well, where do I begin? I was raised in a catholic family, and a typical one at that! We went to mass most sundays, and I hated it. I was bored to death the whole time. But I went to catholic school, and enjoyed being with the people I was friends with. I made my first 'confession' and my first communion, and all the other rituals catholics go through in adolescence (up to Confirmation). After that I became highly skeptical of the whole "playing religion" task. I started realizing things: My father claimed to be a 'true Christian' but he used "Goddamn" and "Jesus Christ" all the time as explitives (sp?), and so did my mom. My dad would constantly make racial comments about people, black, hispanic, etc.

 

And so I started waking up to the realizations that many people who claim to be 'Christians' are nothing more than hypocrites.

 

Ugh. This sounds *so familiar*. I, too, was raised Catholic. My father is anything *but* Christ-like. Like your dad, he swears a lot, and is prejudiced against other races. He also smacked me around a bunch in childhood. It is little wonder that you (and I) feel that many so-called Christians are hypocrites.

 

I hope you'll enjoy your stay here, Egregore. And don't be afraid to keep seeking. :)

 

Rosa

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