My Testimony

[starelda]

I don't think I've ever really posted my testimony here. I gave a little intro when I first joined but nothing in detail about my journey out of of Christianity....so here goes...

 

For the past 18 months, I'd been struggling with my beliefs. Least that's how I thought of it at the time. Now I think it was more like going through the process of deconverting, of leaving Christianity. It started off with questioning and disagreeing with certain Christian beliefs...the belief in hell in particular. This a period of just believing, blindly accepting and not questioning. For that year and a half my brain felt numb and so I was happy that I was questioning, I was happy that I was thinking again. At the same time angry that I'd been sucked into believing that my whole family would end up in hell because they didn't believe as per the teachings of Christianity. It was that thought that kick started the questioning though the anger that resulted fuelled more questions. I'd started off just doubting hell and it snowballed from there.

 

Then at the beginning of this year, I rejected Christianity altogether. I doubted so much of it that I felt I could no longer call myself a Christian. But after a couple of weeks fear set in, fear of God. The being that I'd been taught was loving was the same being that I was taught would send me to hell if I didn't believe. For some strange reason the majority of Christians fail to see the contradiction there. But no, I feared the possibility of hell and I feared leaving the safety of religion. See that's why I went back to it in the first place. It was familiar and safe. Even though my parents are atheists, as a child I still ended up with a childrens bible, singing hymns at school and getting dragged along to a Christian fellowship club by my friend. I was introduced to it from an early age and it was familiar, safe and a reminder of my childhood. I rebelled during my teens, ended up pagan, drinking and hurting various people. This lead to guilt...a guilt that lead me back to the safety and familiarity of Christianity. After all, things were ok before I left it...so I figured that must have been what was wrong here. It wasn't the fact that I was a stupid, rebellious teen....noooo, it must be the fact I left Christianity. Though I didn't realise this at the time, I thought I was making a sound decision. Yeah right.

 

So fear of leaving the fold crept in and there I was clinging onto the fraying threads that remained of my belief. I drifted for a while...not really believing but not willing to admit that to myself either. Then three months ago I started to look into whether there was a God at all. I started to look into atheist arguments against the existance of a God and found myself slowly siding with them. The fact I was looking into this shocked me at first and it was met with much anxiety...again the fear was back. But I've never been one to just sit back and let fear get the better of me...sure it holds me down for a while but I overcome it eventually....least that's what I thought...

 

Fear got the better of me when a problem cropped up a few weeks later and I went back. After I deconverted I felt quite anxious. I kept thinking that maybe I was wrong, maybe there is a God and now I've made Him into my number one enemy. I was also scared because now I was standing on your my two feet and rejecting the idea of an invisible, protecting God. Now I no longer believed there was someone there to catch me should I fall, life began to feel like walking a tight rope without a safety net. But I pushed on regardless, I knew that feelings of comfort and safety were no reason to believe anything. When I was a child having imaginary friends and believing in Santa Claus made me feel safe, warm and happy. Just because these things invoke postive feelings doesn't mean I should believe them. No, I decided I only wanted to believe what is real and I didn't think God fitted into that category. But still that "what if?" thought circled in my mind and I figured that time will help me deal with that.

 

However, a big problem struck before time had a chance to dull the "what if's?" and new "what if's?" appeared..."what if there is a God and this is punishment from Him?", "what if this just gets worse and worse until I turn back to him again?", "what if this?", "what if that?". Basically, I've suffered from anxiety before now and it was back, it took hold and it sent me back to clinging to "God" in a time of trouble.

 

But problems come and go, most eventually get resolved given enough time and effort. And so I set about dealing with this one and dealing with the anxiety that it had provoked. The usual trick of just using plain old willpower to beat down the anxious thoughts didn't work and so I went back to a herbal remedy that I used to use. Once I'd calmed my mind and rational thought had returned I could face and defeat the anxiety. Prayer had factored into my initial "willpower" attempts...neither did any good. As I set about dealing with this problem, my belief began to fade. Once I could see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding this problem the need to believe began to leave me. I found I no longer prayed, no longer read the bible, no longer studied the bible, no longer wrote about my beliefs and when I did it felt like I was just writing a standard answer...the words were formed by my fingers on the keyboard but they had no meaning for me. I was Christian in name only...I had no desire for any of the things that come along with that name. So I began to wonder what was wrong and realised that the need was fading. I tried hard to cling on, I didn't want to face up to that fact because again I was scared I couldn't cope without belief in God. However, I decided to face it and try standing on my own two feet again whilst hoping that this time a problem doesn't knock me down. I feel stronger this time. There's was very little fear after reaching my decision and now...I don't feel any at all.

[HoustonHorn]

First, I love the tagline born right the first time

 

I think we've talked over at CF a couple of times, but it's been a while since I've been there - seemed like every time I asked a question I was breaking a rule. It's good to see you over here and sharing your story.

 

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I spent a lot of time in the what if stage, and still fall back into it every now and then. But as time goes on those slips became more infrequent and easier to get myself out of.

 

And one reason Christianity is so popular is that you have a default set of people to support you. It's harder to find that as an ex-Christian, agnostic, atheist, or any of the other belief systems here. That's why this site is such a great place.

[starelda]

First, I love the tagline born right the first time

 

I think we've talked over at CF a couple of times, but it's been a while since I've been there - seemed like every time I asked a question I was breaking a rule. It's good to see you over here and sharing your story.

 

Ah yes, I remember you

 

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I spent a lot of time in the what if stage, and still fall back into it every now and then. But as time goes on those slips became more infrequent and easier to get myself out of.

 

And one reason Christianity is so popular is that you have a default set of people to support you. It's harder to find that as an ex-Christian, agnostic, atheist, or any of the other belief systems here. That's why this site is such a great place.

 

I've been finding myself having some "what if" thoughts again lately but they're easy to dismiss this time...especially since I've told hubby about my change in beliefs (he's atheist too so no probs there). Definately, agree that one of the appeals is the support system so yeah, it's cool that we've got this little area on the web.

[Rosa Mystica]

Hi Starelda,

 

Thanks for posting your story. The fear you mention is something I know all too well. It's common for deconverts to have a "What if I'm wrong" phase (or several) while they're still new to disbelief. Keep in mind that fear is what most Christian systems use to keep people in the fold. It's unfortunate that their tactic works well.

 

Keep being honest with yourself. I know your beliefs have been all over the map for the past while, but it sounds like you've made a lot of progress. Just continue as you have been, and I'm sure you'll be fine.

 

Rosa