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Help With Dating -- Post Deconversion


Madie
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Dear Friends,

It's been a while since I posted here. Well, I've been distracted these past couple of weeks...I met a guy. He totally melts my heart. But here's my dilema:

 

For those of you who have read my post, you know I've deconverted pretty recently. Anyways...here's my story and what I need help with. I dated 2 guys during the 8+ years I was a Christian. I did it the "right way"-- "the goodship courtship". I prayed earnestly for God's will during the time we dated. Both times, "God's will" turned sour on me. Both jerks ended up crushing my heart. The first cheated on me (he began dating this other girl in church) during our relationship. The second was one of those arrogant "pharasee" types who instilled nothing but rules. He too decided to date someone else who was more "spiritual", or in other words, heeds to his every command. Can you really blame me for not trusting God anymore? In any case, the whole experience has really affected me and has made it real hard for me to trust guys in general. It has also made me feel as if I'm never good enough.

 

I met a non-christian guy a few weeks ago. I feel so at lost at what to do, what to say, and how to act. All my relationships were Christian relationships. I've never been in a non-Christian dating relationship before. I really like this guy. He doesn't know yet that I was a Christian. I'm afraid he'll be turned off. There are sooo many questions flowing through my mind right now.

 

What is a non-Christian dating relationship like? Is it okay if I don't "you know what" right away? What if I want to wait till marriage...how do I tell him? The guilt and fear that Christianity has instilled in me still lingers. I've been so brainwashed to think that non-Christian relationships are cursed and couples are always unahppy and most relationships end in divorse? Is this true?

 

Really, all I want is to one day get married to a sweet guy, have a couple of kids, and grow old together.

 

Thanks for listening to me ramble and I would really appreciate your input....especially from those who are happily married.

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Dear Friends,

It's been a while since I posted here. Well, I've been distracted these past couple of weeks...I met a guy. He to.

 

I met a non-christian guy a few weeks ago. I feel so at lost at what to do, what to say, and how to act. All my relationships were Christian relationships. I've never been in a non-Christian dating relationship before. I really like this guy. He doesn't know yet that I was a Christian. I'm afraid he'll be turned off. There are sooo many questions flowing through my mind right now.

 

What is a non-Christian dating relationship like? Is it okay if I don't "you know what" right away? What if I want to wait till marriage...how do I tell him? The guilt and fear that Christianity has instilled in me still lingers. I've been so brainwashed to think that non-Christian relationships are cursed and couples are always unahppy and most relationships end in divorse? Is this true?

 

Really, all I want is to one day get married to a sweet guy, have a couple of kids, and grow old together.

 

Thanks for listening to me ramble and I would really appreciate your input....especially from those who are happily married.

 

 

Look for someone who is your friend. Who you can communicate with in all ways, physically, mentally and so forth. Really know the person and don't ever think you can change him/her. Take it slow and rush into nothing.

This is a response from an 18 year unhappy marriage. Religion is irrelevant unless one of you places more importance on it instead of "us". Best Wishes!

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You only live once, so you deserve to have the very best while your alive. This includes relationships. If he can't accept you for who you are, nobilities and flaws, and the fact that you used to be a xian then he isn't worth it. Keyword here is used to be, not is. Nah non-xians aren't cursed, its just what we've been led to believe by the religious fucks. I know non-religious folks and their fine without religion in their life, people of all backgrounds find each other and make it work. Don't give up on yourself, your dreams and most of all don't settle. If he's the "right" guy for you, he will understand that xianity was a part of your past and won't hold it against you. Wish you the best hun.

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You only live once, so you deserve to have the very best while your alive. This includes relationships. If he can't accept you for who you are, nobilities and flaws, and the fact that you used to be a xian then he isn't worth it. Keyword here is used to be, not is. Nah non-xians aren't cursed, its just what we've been led to believe by the religious fucks. I know non-religious folks and their fine without religion in their life, people of all backgrounds find each other and make it work. Don't give up on yourself, your dreams and most of all don't settle. If he's the "right" guy for you, he will understand that xianity was a part of your past and won't hold it against you. Wish you the best hun.

 

Thanks Knightly. I think you brought to light what I've known deep down all along--just be myself. I just wish I can remove the layer of Christian filth that has covered "myself" up.

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That will take time my dear and you have to work at it to let go of the xian programming, its something that I'm struggling myself, but don't stress yourself out. We're in the same boat, I wish you the best girly.

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Hi, Madie. Spilling off from what Knightley said, I've found that both people can be happy together when they see and esteem what is good in each other (in themselves, too), despite their flaws, and are honest. I'm sure Knightley didn't mean that A. you deserve the best boyfriend but he doesn't deserve the same in return, and B. that anyone can literally be "the best". There are lots of people whose inner goodness will fit harmoniously with yours, and even with the most harmonious, basic trust always is needed for the areas of different communication, flaws, etc. - you'll always be different people!

 

I agree about "don't settle." Anyone who will be a good lover will want to know you deeply, christian past, hangups and all. You'll want to know the same in return.

 

I don't think there are any rules about when first to have sex in a relationship. I think you will want to know of each other that you're sexually turned on mutually and will be compatible. You'll want to respect each other's space.

 

One thing that recent brain work on differences between men and women suggests is that differences in hormone levels and brain wiring can work like this: when you're excited about each other, the girl's brain may be firing the message, "wow, he really likes me," while the guy's brain may be firing, "wow, she really wants to have sex with me." It's common for girls to feel pressured to have sex to show the guy they like him. Maybe you both can be honest about that, so you don't find yourself feeling pushed ahead out of fear that he won't like you if you don't have sex early enough. My instinct would be to let this out into the open.

 

I have also found that I don't feel a relationship is full if sex is a never-entered frontier. I think physical intimacy is part of full person to person intimacy. The question of when to cross the frontier should be comfortable for both of you, I think.

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Hi, Madie. Spilling off from what Knightley said, I've found that both people can be happy together when they see and esteem what is good in each other (in themselves, too), despite their flaws, and are honest. I'm sure Knightley didn't mean that A. you deserve the best boyfriend but he doesn't deserve the same in return, and B. that anyone can literally be "the best". There are lots of people whose inner goodness will fit harmoniously with yours, and even with the most harmonious, basic trust always is needed for the areas of different communication, flaws, etc. - you'll always be different people!

 

Thanks for clearing that up. Its important to accept each other as you are and treat each other with respect. Things can't be just one-sided. When it comes to sex, its different for everyone, some can have sex from the first date and build a relationship, for others it takes a little bit to get there. Do whatever works for ya.

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I've been so brainwashed to think that non-Christian relationships are cursed and couples are always unahppy and most relationships end in divorse? Is this true?

 

:eek:

 

Yes, you're right. You've been brainwashed. Would you like to see some TRUE facts?

 

Divorce rate: Is marriage strengthened by mutual faith in God? Are marriages weak without religion? The Barna Research Group conducted a poll of Americans in 1999 in an attempt to show that religious faith reduces the likelihood of divorce. The results shocked them: Atheists had the lowest average divorce rates (defined as the percentage of people who had been divorced at least once in their lives), at 21%. Christian divorce rates averaged about 24% (higher for "born-again" Christians, ie- fundamentalists, at 27%), and even higher for Jews, at 30%. They also collected racial and geographical data, which showed that the white Southern Baptist fundamentalists have no reason to crow about their "family values". Not only did the Southern Bible Belt have the highest divorce rate in the country, but whites as a race are the most likely to split: 27%, as compared to 22% for blacks, 20% for Hispanics, and only 8% for Asians like me (and you thought I was just blowing hot air about that "till death do us part" stuff). UPDATE: interestingly enough, Barna Research later edited that article to lump all "non-born-again adults" into a single category, thus "accidentally" obscuring the embarrassing fact that atheists had the lowest divorce rates.

Source*

 

It's absolutely untrue that non-christians couples are more likely to divorce or be unhappy in their relationships.

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In any case, the whole experience has really affected me and has made it real hard for me to trust guys in general. It has also made me feel as if I'm never good enough.

I'm going to tell you first and foremost that this right here is poison. Not just to any relationship you might want to have but simply to you as a person. You really need to find a way to overcome these feelings because if you don't then even a great relationship could be doomed to failure and I'm going to say I think you deserve better than that.

 

I met a non-christian guy a few weeks ago. I feel so at lost at what to do, what to say, and how to act. All my relationships were Christian relationships. I've never been in a non-Christian dating relationship before. I really like this guy. He doesn't know yet that I was a Christian. I'm afraid he'll be turned off. There are sooo many questions flowing through my mind right now.

Well, are you a xian or non-xian? My point is this guy isn't an alien. He's a person. Treat him like one. All he wants is respect, honesty and all that stuff other people want. What he doesn't want is jesus. ;) Looks like you two have something in common. I had a good friend that was non-xian when I was. We got along just fine. In fact, he was the only one I simply didn't separate from as I did others when I found out the "dirty" truth. Now, the guy might be curious and ask about why you left the religion and all...or maybe he won't...but I really doubt he'd find it a turn off. It's not like you were eating babies or anything (in fact he might see it as a turn-on if he thinks you're "ultra pure" or something).

 

What is a non-Christian dating relationship like? Is it okay if I don't "you know what" right away? What if I want to wait till marriage...how do I tell him? The guilt and fear that Christianity has instilled in me still lingers. I've been so brainwashed to think that non-Christian relationships are cursed and couples are always unahppy and most relationships end in divorse? Is this true?

If you don't want to "you know" right away, then that's your choice. You say you want to wait until marriage. I hear that a lot. I'll give you some advice that might sound odd. Don't. Sex is too important to "test out" until after you're married and "stuck" with some guy. He might be great in every other area but sex is vital in a marriage so don't think it's something that you can take or leave. Seriously. It's as important to a relationship as every other aspect of someone's personality. You wouldn't want to find out on your honeymoon that your husband likes to hit you in the face would you? Of course not. So why find out he's a rotten lover? That cold fish in bed can be like a punch in the face if it turns out you are the type of person that wants/needs sex a certain way and/or a lot. Just think about it. Also, you might decide that waiting just isn't what you want to do after you're around this person for awhile. Again, these are all your choices but you don't need to lay all your cards on the table the first date. Most guys do start to expect sex on the third or fourth date though so you will need to be ready to say something by then.

 

Overall, about half of all marriages end in divorce. A_A gave the stats on xian marriages which are highest overall (hey, when your number one concern is god who really cares about your spouse). I used to have a link that broke down the rates by denomination as well. Xians love to spout off about how they're the defenders of morals, families and marriage but the hypocrites top all the lists.

 

Really, all I want is to one day get married to a sweet guy, have a couple of kids, and grow old together.

Nothing wrong with that. Plenty of non-xian guys want this very same thing. Maybe the guy you're interested in right now? :)

 

Thanks for listening to me ramble and I would really appreciate your input....especially from those who are happily married.

Happily? Hmmm...would you accept "working on it?" ;)

 

mwc

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It's absolutely untrue that non-christians couples are more likely to divorce or be unhappy in their relationships.

 

This of course I don't believe... most "christians" were NEVER christian anyway, those who seriously believe I think DO have better more stable marriages because their values are inscribed into their nature in a way that many "flaky" or 'fake christians' (so called christians) do not.

 

Most christians NEVER really were christian AT ALL if you've actually studied the bible, like over 90% of the people who call themselves christian ignore biblical teachings on death and the promise to abraham for instance, that would over 90% of christianity doesn't give a fuck about what the bible says, so in my mind the should all be counted as "non-christian", i.e. people who do not have serious commitment to it.

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Guest Obermeister

 

What is a non-Christian dating relationship like?

 

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel.

 

Ok, I'm just kidding. But basically, the only rules are the ones that are mutually agreeable to you.

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