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Guest razorrose

I was raised a christian, mostly attending baptist churches all my life. I'm 21 now and I started doubting a few years ago. I was told all the same shit as every other christian. I got saved when I was 6 or so, had a little prayer journal, prayed for my unsaved friends, went to pioneer girls, went to awana, went on a mission trip and did all those things a good christian should do.

And When I was 17 I started getting major depression and started on a pretty destructive path. I also suffered from social anxiety all my life not realizing it until a couple years ago. These things I think played a part in my doubts starting and seeing the hypocrisy in christians, the churches fucked up ways, the manipulation in christians and just what a mind fuck the whole religion is. So somewhere along the way I became agnostic. For a while I was pretty content with that, but I am surrounded by christians, all my friends are pretty much christian and with the social anxiety well it doesn't make it easy to meet other people in general. So last year I was sitting with my friends family and the dad was talking to me about god and then finally asked me if I would like to accept christ as my personal savior or whatever the present term is and I at first said I don't know and then he talked some more and asked me again and I said....yes. I caved because I can't stand pressure. So I got "saved" to shut him up and now everyone was happy and assumed I would be sunshine now. It was actually amazing how much more acceptance I got from being "saved". But basically everyone finally realized that I'm still doubting and not saved so I'm back to being lost and confused and needing salvation. I'm still the agnostic, non churchgoing, non praying, sinner.

 

Right now I am in the application process for a.....christian ministry to get help with my...self-destructiveness. The ministry deals with girls with issues such as addictions, abuse, self abuse, eating disorders, unplanned pregnancies and whatever else. The ministry in itself is free and that is one reason I am going, it also just in general has a lot of love there, but...it is christian and that is the part that I don't like and that is the part I do like. Being raised as a christian it was drilled into me and I'm slowly getting out of it or was at least, but there is still part of me hoping it may be true. I honestly just want to know if there is truth and what truth is which is another reason I want to go to this ministry, but on the other hand I don't want anything to do with a belief in god because it seems like bullshit. So I'm basically just confused as hell right now so I guess this is my ex-testimony almost...

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razorrose,

 

I think the most important thing you should do, for right now, is get the help you need. As you know, deconverting from Christianity is a very draining and painful process. Perhaps you can put your beliefs on the back burner and concentrate on getting better.

 

The only thing that concerns me is that they may, like many Christian help organizations, make you feel like you are a bad person, because of your problems, or give the Jesus band-aid instead of dealing with your real issues.

 

If you feel you need their love and support at this time, by all means, take care of yourself and do what you feel is best for you.

 

Taph

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razorrose,

 

I am glad you decided to post on this forum. Stick around and read other's experiences of deconversion. I am sure that if you do that, you will realize that christians have already hurt you enough. The "salvation" they gave you is destroying you. Many here, including me, found ourselves completely relieved from self-destructive behaviours and anxiety once we left the religion.

 

It is very freeing to realize that there is no such thing as hell, and that if god does exist, she couldn't possibly be that evil, so as to send people to an eternal fire.

 

There is life after christianity. I am sorry that your relatives are pushing you to be a christian when deep-down inside, you know it is all bullshit.

 

Be well!

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Guest razorrose

Lorena Rodriguez-I'm not sure just leaving the religion will give all the help I need. I feel like right now all I can do is go to this ministry, but with all the doubts and unbelief I have for christianity I'm also not sure how much it can help.....I'm basically at a loss of what to do at this point.... :ugh:

Maybe going to the ministry will give me more problems ha.... :banghead:

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First of all, I wish you the best... it's rough, I know because I have been there.

 

Secondly, I don't think you should use the Christian program. If you live in a decently sized city, there are probably free or low cost psych clinics. Look in the phone book, call a family member that is in the medical profession, something. You may have to pay a low fee for every visit, but they will be able to help you in a way that will last longer than the band-aid of religion. You'll hear a lot of "Jesus loved you enough to die for you, so don't abuse yourself" type of crap. I would stay as far away from the Christian psychologists as possible.... just a warning.

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Sorry to hear that, Raz.

 

Well, life is long and full of opportunities. You will find out at the end of this thing if it helped or not. Everything helps us mature and become better people. If anything, you will be sure of how much you don't want to be a christian after going there.

 

Take it one day at time. It may feel like a life-or-death decision right now, but it isn't. It is just another circumstance of your life. So, if you want to go, do it, learn, and grow. That's all we can do with the stuff that life deals us.

 

When you are ready to leave christianiy, you will leave. Because when we are really ready, no one can stop us. I remember almost running to my car after church my last time, just wanting to be away from that place.

 

Lorena Rodriguez-I'm not sure just leaving the religion will give all the help I need. I feel like right now all I can do is go to this ministry, but with all the doubts and unbelief I have for christianity I'm also not sure how much it can help.....I'm basically at a loss of what to do at this point.... :ugh:

Maybe going to the ministry will give me more problems ha.... :banghead:

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First of all, I wish you the best... it's rough, I know because I have been there.

 

Secondly, I don't think you should use the Christian program. If you live in a decently sized city, there are probably free or low cost psych clinics. Look in the phone book, call a family member that is in the medical profession, something. You may have to pay a low fee for every visit, but they will be able to help you in a way that will last longer than the band-aid of religion. You'll hear a lot of "Jesus loved you enough to die for you, so don't abuse yourself" type of crap. I would stay as far away from the Christian psychologists as possible.... just a warning.

 

razorrose, I agree with Pandora. I don't know how serious your case is but it sounds serious. Esp. with the word razor in your name...maybe that's just a coincidence.

 

I have no idea what posibilities exist in your life. Quite a number of people, including myself, have had to get away from the environment that hurt us simply to learn who we are and to make a clean start, to get away from the poisonous air and attitudes.

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First of all, I wish you the best... it's rough, I know because I have been there.

 

Secondly, I don't think you should use the Christian program. If you live in a decently sized city, there are probably free or low cost psych clinics. Look in the phone book, call a family member that is in the medical profession, something. You may have to pay a low fee for every visit, but they will be able to help you in a way that will last longer than the band-aid of religion. You'll hear a lot of "Jesus loved you enough to die for you, so don't abuse yourself" type of crap. I would stay as far away from the Christian psychologists as possible.... just a warning.

 

razorrose, I agree with Pandora. I don't know how serious your case is but it sounds serious. Esp. with the word razor in your name...maybe that's just a coincidence.

 

I have no idea what posibilities exist in your life. Quite a number of people, including myself, have had to get away from the environment that hurt us simply to learn who we are and to make a clean start, to get away from the poisonous air and attitudes.

 

I agree with these two comments -- that you should stay the hell away from the christian counseling if at all possible and look for another source, a non-biased source that will recognize you as the unique human being you are and will actually try to help you realize YOUR potential, instead of trying to brainwash you into keeping the faith and fitting into the christian mold. (If you want to see an example of someone who went through christian counseling as a teenager, check out some of the posts from Scott in the Lions Den section; he does not sound like a mentally healthy person.)

 

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll visit this website often. You can find a lot of support here, and a lot of good information, too. Best wishes!

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Guest razorrose

Thanks for your concerns and everything. I completely understand where you all are coming from. That Scott guy is definetly an ass and needs to grow up, I don't see myself ever being like that even with christian counseling or whatever. If I go to the program and I feel like I need to leave I can always do that, they don't make anyone stay who doesn't want to anyhow. But I've invested too much time and shit to back out of it now so at this point I will just do it and maybe they can help in some way.

And at this point I just would like to have a place to go besides where I'm living at the moment and if it doesn't work out than I'd at least have tryed it. I have a friend who just left for the program yesterday and she's been having as many doubts or more than me and I know if it doesn't help with her doubts or questions than it wouldn't mine so if that happened I think I would more than likely have to back out of it then, but I'm hoping they can give me something.

 

This is random, but I personally find it funny....my parents are getting up at 3:30 tomorrow to go to church and pray, supposedly theres an all day praying event or something and thats the time they are doing it.....and appartently I'm the one who needs help..... :scratch:

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Well, I understand that sometimes a person just has to take help from whatever source is available and also that the choices may be limited, because of family situation or whatever. So, I think you'll be OK with the christian counseling so long as you look at it as a way of help with your personal and specific problems and stay alert and watch out for any attempt to force a belief on you. However it works out, I wish you the best and hope you'll come back and let us know how things are going with you. Peace.

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Thanks for your concerns and everything.

 

You're very welcome.

 

If I go to the program and I feel like I need to leave I can always do that, they don't make anyone stay who doesn't want to anyhow. But I've invested too much time and shit to back out of it now so at this point I will just do it and maybe they can help in some way.

 

Sounds like your head is on right. Christians are not all the same. Some operate out of very decent values. I got counseling from a Christian therapist from an interfaith agency in a church. Since I was in a horse and buggy community and this church was a "worldly" church with car people, it did not seem like a Christian agency to me. I would NOT have gone to a person from my own community. But I realize now that it was very definitely a Christian organization and I did get help.

 

I saw two different Christian counselors at different times. One was a very liberal Mennonite and the other was an Anglican. Their aim was to serve me and help me find what was right for me. Like that statement shows, the emphasis was on ME and what was right for ME. They were there to serve me. After all, I was paying for their services. So I know Christian counselors can work if they are not out to convert you or "use the Jesus bandaid" as someone said.

 

I think, as I showed, the emphasis needs to be on YOU and YOUR health. So long as they stick with secular humanist values of making you the best agnostic you can be if that is what you want, I think you should be okay. I learned about this at a Christian school. So I'm coming to realize that "Christian" does not have to be a bad word.

 

I think Jesus was a pretty good guy and that his teachings are okay (though not original as I had been raised to believe) the way a lot of Chrisians apply Jesus and his teachings to life is not good.

 

And at this point I just would like to have a place to go besides where I'm living at the moment and if it doesn't work out than I'd at least have tryed it.

 

Sounds decent. If they're like the agency I went to, they will actually give you this freedom and will not pressure you to keep coming.

I have a friend who just left for the program yesterday

 

Do you have to live at this place??? I mean, you said she "left for the program." Sounds like she had to move to a different place.

 

and she's been having as many doubts or more than me and I know if it doesn't help with her doubts or questions than it wouldn't mine so if that happened I think I would more than likely have to back out of it then, but I'm hoping they can give me something.

 

Are you perhaps seeking for a reason to accept Christianity? To find answers for your questions and to find reasons to settle your doubts about Christianity before you leave for good? If that is the case, then a Christian agency makes a great deal of sense. I, too, have had to seek and grub out the bowels of Christianity. I'm not sure if I'm completely through the process at this point.

 

This is random, but I personally find it funny....my parents are getting up at 3:30 tomorrow to go to church and pray, supposedly theres an all day praying event or something and thats the time they are doing it.....and appartently I'm the one who needs help..... :scratch:

 

I agree with what someone said above, I find this scary. However, if you're actually laughing at it like it sounds you are, then you should be okay. I can't tell if you're actually seeing it as humourous or if it's just your way of putting it so as not to feel too vulnerable. Whatever the case, like I said, it sounds like your head is on right. Be strong. Know your own mind. Let us know what happens.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest razorrose

So I felt like posting again in here....I got accepted to the christian program I was talking about before and I'm on a waiting list now. I'll probably be going in January or so. I have to call them every 3 weeks for a "check-in" and I just had my first one today.

Just the other day I was completely believing that I wouldn't ever believe in god again, which thats still pretty much where I'm at. I've been reading tons on this site and it all just makes so much more sense than a bible ever has for me. So I'm wondering how much the program can help since it's all christian based and from what I've heard they don't force you or pressure you to believe anything, but...who knows. I was talking to a staff from the program on the phone today and was telling her how I'm doubting gods existence more and more (even though it's more than just doubts), but she said how it's normal when you're suffering and she said to hold truth in front of me and whatever else. She also suggested getting a bible thats easy for me to understand. The staff there are really genuine and loving and everything, but I don't want to go into the program and be surrounded by this love and this christian atmosphere and just get lost in all of the emotional stuff and think that it's god or something or "get saved" for emotional reasons or whatever else. I'm not really sure what the point of this is, but just felt like saying something.ha. :shrug:

Any thoughts, opinions or whatever would be vry much appreciated:)

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Hi there........I just made my first post a few minutes ago, and then saw yours.

 

I have been out of the church for 20 years, after 25 years of it. I can tell you that once you're free & clear of the controlling mentaility of christianity (or any religion) you look back and view it as such utterly simplistic, child-like thinking. Hang in there my dear, you on your way to becoming a more healthy human being. The transition doesn't need to be one of rebellion or angry feelings. Just persue logic and love.

 

Give your christian friends this link:

 

www.godisimaginary.com

 

 

They likely won't actually read/listen to it, because one usually has a very closed mind when embracing a religious belief system, but challenge them to check it out.

 

A good movie would be: www.thegodmovie.com

 

 

I once read: "People who really want to share their religious viewpoint with you, have no interest in hearing about yours".

 

Administration: Is there any way to edit one's own reply, like for fixing a typo etc?

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Wow! Your story sounds eerily similar to my own. I "asked Jesus into my heart" when I was six, and started having doubts (and a possible mood disorder, albeit undiagnosed) when I was getting close to 17 years old. Now I'm almost 20. I also used to have social anxiety problems. Actually, the fact that I managed to overcome social anxiety (one of the most significant changes in my life) without the help of God or the Bible was very important in my deconversion. I recommend reading up cognitive-behaviorist theory and therapy, especially Albert Ellis. Who needs religion when you have science?

 

I hope all goes well with you in your journey, and I thank you for sharing your story with us.

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I posted my deconversion story about a week ago. I went through a large phase of OCD, depression, and anxiety. And like you, I had huge doubts on top of that. I also really wanted Christianity to be true. But my doubts kept growing; my mind was constantly going back and forth, back and forth. About three weeks ago I decided to give up on Christianity, or at least take a break from worrying about it. I got on this site, bought some books, and began reading. I never thought I would be so happy without Christianity but I'm perfectly at peace. Just hang in there, I promise you'll get through it and find your answers.

 

Also, I went to a behavioral therapist as well. I strongly recommend it. I used to wash my hands until they were dripping blood, I had strong social anxiety, and I was always depressed for absolutely no reason. I can honestly say that I'm perfectly normal now and perfectly happy with life. But I know you'll be fine, it's just hard to see when you're stuck in the middle of it.

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Hi RazorRose :grin:

 

I'd have to agree with every person who advises getting non-Christian help. I've never been to any type of Christian counseling so I am guessing that they are going to first and foremost pray or something each day. Then they'll probably dump a ton of "healing" scriptures on you and of course those that support that what you're going through is Satan messing with you and they'll use scriptural support as well. So although there is supposedly "no pressure", there will be...ever so subtly.

 

No matter what you do, you'll have support from here but after reading everything you've wrote, I just have red flags going up all over the place concerning this Christian "therapy".

 

Please keep us posted and tons of hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((((RazorRose))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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  • 1 month later...
Guest razorrose

So....I just found out when I will be leaving for this christian program....I'll be leaving next month and it's a residential place and I'll be there for 6 months or more.....I hope I survive....ha.

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