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Matthew

Being Single Stings!

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I need to share this with everyone here,

 

I am feeing the sting of being single. I am not currently looking for anyone nor do I whine about being single. It's not in my character to do so. I believe that if one cannot change one's circumstances, then one should make the best out of whatever circumstances one is facing. It's not always easy to do but it makes us stronger, wiser, and we grow in character. Right now I am trying to concentrate on getting my B.A. in history and I would love to get into graduate school. But there's one thing that I cannot help. I can't help but feel the sting of being single. I'm not actively looking nor do I feel desperate but I can't hide the pain of this sting any more than I can hide the pain of a bee sting.

 

I feel I cannot search because I am not at this moment independent. As embarrassing at this is- I still live at home although I may have an opportunity to move out as early as 6 months from now. I feel that I cannot search because I dread the ridicule of parental dependence. In my deconversion story, I remarked that I had the opportunity ( a missed one- I regret it) to follow through with my skepticism when it first started. I had an opportunity to leave the Church and dwelve into my skepticism a few years back. I think to myself that had I been braver back then, I wouldn't be in the predicament that I find myself in right now. I'd have my B.A. (well probably B.S. because I was a science major back then) and I'd be hitched and probably with a child on the way or already born by now.

 

I didn't take it and I don't normally digress on missed opportunities except to bartenders (just kidding). More seriously, I am feeling the sting of being single. I'll be painfully honest- I don't like being single. I never have. I have been content for some time because I reasoned that I just need to be patient and delayed gratification will pay off. Back when I was a Christian, being single devastated me more than anything else in the world. I am much more happier and joyful because of joy and wonder that being a freethinker and infidel has brought me but I still don't like being single. I don't want to go back to being depressed- that was bad enough but I feel that my patience is wearing thin.

 

I want to be with someone. I want to be in love. I want to make love. I want to be a family man and have someone to come home to and cuddle with. I am tired and nearly sick of being single but I feel that in some ways I am almost powerless to cure the sting or do anything about it. I'm not sure what to do about it. I'd love some insight or wisdom.

 

Sadly,

 

Matthew

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I want to be with someone. I want to be in love. I want to make love. I want to be a family man and have someone to come home to and cuddle with. I am tired and nearly sick of being single but I feel that in some ways I am almost powerless to cure the sting or do anything about it. I'm not sure what to do about it. I'd love some insight or wisdom.

 

 

It sounds like your still young though, in your 20's still?

 

It actually can be good not to get on the bandwaggon to fast.

 

I got married really early in my life, I was 22, and got my first kid just 1.5 years later. And I tell you, I wish I have had my studies and career somewhat in order before I did it. It has been work ever since just to keep things together. You need some time to organize yourself, before the commitment. I'm not talking about having everything perfectly in order, but in my case it was to early.

 

One of my brothers, he didn't get married until he was 39, so It doesn't have to be too late find someone.

 

The emotions you have, I can totally relate to. Because that's how I feel about my marriage and family. I need the companion and I wanted a family. But it would be nice to at least maybe have a job and a steady income first.

 

Just some thoughts. I don't know your background or your situation in detail, so I might be totally off here. In such case I'll ask for your forgivness.

 

Hans

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Matthew, be strong and be patient. I know how you feel-- but keep your eye on the long term goal, not a quick fix. Be patient, do your work, and have fun without obsessing about a partner. Spend this period that you aren't looking getting prepared for the time when you are.

 

You could do something very romantic and pick out a hot celebrity and write them love letters detailing your vision of the future with them, and how you long for them so much you patiently wait outside their house and follow them wherever they go. Women love such devotion.

 

Okay, don't really do what I said in that last paragraph.

 

Like Han, I married young (21) and quick (2 months after meeting), and soon regretted my haste (and lack of common sense). In my case, though, Christianity was partly to blame. I was on-fire for God and thought marrying a PK was the most Christian thing I could do-- so I did. If I would have been more patient, I would have chosen someone else.

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Like Han, I married young (21) and quick (2 months after meeting), and soon regretted my haste (and lack of common sense).  In my case, though, Christianity was partly to blame.  I was on-fire for God and thought marrying a PK was the most Christian thing I could do-- so I did.  If I would have been more patient, I would have chosen someone else.

 

Christianity was party to blame for my hasty decision as well, and today I maybe would have married someone else, but I cant' say that would have been better. I'm very happy with my wife and my family, I couldn't have done better.

 

My wife is very stubborn, and we've had many and long arguments, which has been very good for me. Because I had to think ... darn it... and adjust ... double darn it... and start to understand my wife ... that's an impossibility... but it has been many and good years.

 

One thing was good about getting married so early, was that I was still young and could change. But as I said, I wish I've had my "house in order", before I did.

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I need to share this with everyone here,

 

I feel I cannot search because I am not at this moment independent. As embarrassing at this is- I still live at home although I may have an opportunity to move out as early as 6 months from now. I feel that I cannot search because I dread the ridicule of parental dependence.

 

Mathew, I think I can empathize with your situation and hopefully be able to give you some advice from someone who has been through what you are going through and has come out the other side. I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing early to mid 20s?

 

I grew up with some strong ideals regarding who I wanted to marry and how I thought married life would be. These values were planted by both the church and my parents. Somehow through my own interpretation of these values I overthought the whole issue and blew some things out of proportion in my head. I thought that every girl I dated could potentially be my future wife. I also didn't believe in premarital sex when I was a young man so I had a great deal of pressure on me in regards to the whole dating thing - which I now see should have been a much more natural process. I spent a lot of years alone even though I had a lot of friends. I just couldn't relate to women on a relationship basis because I had built such hightened expectations in my mind. This I'm sure was somehow obvious to the girls I dated and kept things from developing and kept me frustrated and feeling very lonely.

 

I don't know if any of this relates to your own situation or not, but I see some of it in your portrayal of your current situation regarding your lack of independence. It sounds as if you are not dating now because you don't have anything to offer. By this you mean (correct me if I'm wrong) offer to a potential future spouse.

 

Honestly, if this is true, you are getting way too far ahead of yourself. I speak from experience. You need to get out there and date a lot of people. It should be done with no expectations. In fact, you should force yourself to not accept any expectations. Go out and get laid! I'm very serious about this. Following this advice will make your future sexual happiness much much better. If you marry the first girl (I'm assuming) that comes along you will spend a lifetime of frustration. You don't think so now, but it is true. Wild oats are real and you really do need to sew them. Living at home should not even be an issue if you approach it with this attitude. I promise you it may be scary at first, but it will free you in the end. Find the girl who is easy. This sounds vulgar, but you need to free this anxiety and what better way than to just go out and do it with someone you don't really care much for. Sex is not the big deal that the church told you that it is. If you follow your old values your sex life is going to stink. If you let yourself be liberated now you will, I promise you, find much more pleasure in sex throughout your life. I'm still working through issues because no one told me when I was your age what I'm telling you now.

 

I need to share this with everyone here,

 

I think to myself that had I been braver back then, I wouldn't be in the predicament that I find myself in right now. I'd have my B.A. (well probably B.S. because I was a science major back then) and I'd be hitched and probably with a child on the way or already born by now.

 

Thank god you were not "braver" then. You may feel alone now, but the chances that you would have married the wrong women are tremendous. How can you find the right woman if you haven't had your share of them to compare your wants and needs to? You need to go out and test drive a few (forgive the poor choice of euphamism) before you can even have a clue what's best for you. Your ideas will change after you've been in a few relationships, that I can promise you.

 

My girlfriend from highschool tracked me down via email a few months ago. At the time I was so infatuated with her and wanted to marry her. She broke my heart and it took me a few years to really get over it. Now it's 20 years later and when I read her mail I was so releaved by the bullet I had dodged. She still lives in the same small town, has the same small town attitudes, her writing was full of grammatical errors, and I just realized that we are two very different people and totally incompatable. Had I married her I would either be divorced, miserable, or miserably boring.

 

I need to share this with everyone here,

 

I want to be with someone. I want to be in love. I want to make love. I want to be a family man and have someone to come home to and cuddle with. I am tired and nearly sick of being single but I feel that in some ways I am almost powerless to cure the sting or do anything about it. I'm not sure what to do about it. I'd love some insight or wisdom. 

 

 

Again, I repeat, these feelings will morph into something different with experiences. This is not a bad thing, just part of human psychological development. You are needy in this area now due to lack of experience. Get out there and have lots of meaningless, but respectful sex. You will develop friendships through this and you will find your needs and attitudes shaping into more of who you really are deep inside. Right now you are viewing your own needs through an instilled paradigm. Experience will free you from this.

 

Ok, I'm sure others will see all this differently. I didn't get married until I was 33 and had few meaningful relationships before I did. This does not mean that my advice is correct, but explains where I am coming from when I give it. I hope this helps you.

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(hugs) I can certainly empathize with certain parts of your story. I'm single and not looking myself, and want my degree before I start considering it seriously. But it really does hurt at times, especially when I see others my age with someone they care about. It's also annoying when you hang out with good friends hwo have their SO with them... Being the spare tire is no fun.

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My $.02 is to go out and do something interesting/become someone interesting before you meet that person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Do it now while you have the freedom, and you just might discover more things about yourself that will be important to know when it comes to having a relationship.

 

If I had been married at 22, I surely would be wanting to put a bullet through my brain by now. I'm the same person I always was, but I know myself much better and no longer make the choices I made then.

 

Another thing about settling down before you have experienced adult life is that your experience gets filtered by another person's wants/needs/desires. You could wake up 10 years later and realized your life was half-lived, half-fulfilled.

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Matthew, you're obsessing....

stop it :)

 

As your friend, I say this with the utmost sincerity...

 

You're full of shit.

 

Whether you consider your development delayed, or whatever, the fact of the matter is that you are (regardless of age) still learning who you are. You've gotten a lot of good advice on this thread, but there's still one more thing that you really ought to do:

 

Go be among people. Learn to be around women. Getting laid - yes, it's something you need to do - but first you need to learn how to be a normal guy around women without feeling nervous or awkward or unsure of yourself. Just because their plumbing is different doesn't mean they're not human beings. Indeed, they're delightfully human! It's going to sound counter-intuitive, but you want it too much, and the opportunities you provide yourself to be around people are too seldom. If meeting someone new is a rare occasion, and meeting people is deeply important to you, then nine times of ten you will come across as desperate. That tends to scare most people away.

 

You may feel past your prime, but you're far from that. You have another sixty to eighty years ahead of you, depending on the breaks. You HAVE TIME. Spending it in worry and obsession is a waste. Learn to enjoy yourself - more importantly, learn to BE yourself. Build relationships, both casual and close. Be open to sexual play when it comes your way, but don't attatch it to romance - the two are easily confused and they're a powerful and dangerous mixture that clouds your judgement as much as desperation does.

 

Take a deep breath.

 

Good....now take another.

 

Relax, take life as it comes, and move your life in the directions that interest you. Learn to be ok on your own, and you will be much more attractive to people who may want to share the journey with you for a time.

 

You'll be okay.

 

And always remember the words of Lewis Caroll:

"'The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'to talk of many things. Of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings.'"

Conversation cannot be overrated. Not everything has deep gravity - life is light as much as it is heavy. Embrace that lightness, and laugh.

 

-Lokmer

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Yeah, being single does suck. Of course, once you're NOT single, you'll find out she's actually a crazy possesive bitch and you'll end up wishing she'd get hit by a bus.

 

But hey, thats life. It's a vicious cycle.

 

But hey, look on the bright side;

 

-You get the bathroom ALL to yourself.

-Don't have to leave the toilet seat down.

-You don't have anyone calling you to bitch about their car not starting.

-No one waste the hot water.

-Your forearm will get pretty strong with all that masturbating.

-You can purchase a creepy pet, like a snake or Amazonian Red-legged Leaping Turantula.

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