still shaking sometimes

[Guest Gypsy]

very new here. am trying to figure out all the little pictures and things. ok.... 'curious' came up in my first post - on the left - i notice other things for people, like 'skeptic', 'thinker', etc. are these descriptions changed with the number of posts?

 

whole family started going to church when i was about 8. GARBC, general association of regular baptists. we --were-- the only baptists going to heaven 8 years in strict christian schools, and then 2 years in a christian college. even tho i rejected so much of what was taught it still affected me terrible. around jr. high i would go forward at every service. i felt terrible inside and so guilty. i didn't know what i was feeling guilty for. but i would spend the first couple verses of 'just as i am' praying for anyone who needed convicting that they would go forward and get saved, and then the last maybe 6 verses gripping the pew tightly and trying not to cry because i knew it was me god wanted to go forward. lots of people do not realize how horrible it is to sing that damn song over and over and over again while the pastor is staring into each person trying to see which one is under conviction. it was always me. i was so relieved when church was over. wed nites were nice cuz we usually only sang 2 verses. probly the pastor figured only the right with god ones would come on a wed nite so he could skip the pressure tactics.

 

i was so serious about god and jesus. i loved everybody or tried to. i grieved over all the people going to hell. my daily prayer list was like 30 items long. my daily devotions were intent. and then i yearned for that big spiritual 'o' - the forbidden in the baptist church holy spirit baptism. i remember praying and praying for it to happen, i must have been about 11 or 12. it didn't happen.

 

in high school i felt so crushed. we had a bible teacher who used some book called 'the ultimate intention'. he used it to show all of us that if we weren't sinless then we weren't really saved. chapel services were hell. fortunately for me i had become a little harder inside. i refused to raise my hand (even on the question if were saved) or to come forward for anything. one time after some long drawn out service (where we were supposed to come forward if we had even let ourselves enjoy the music we heard at the stores in the mall) i opened my eyes to see that i was the only, the only, person sitting in the pews from the entire school. the rest of the school was holding hands in a big circle around the pews. i have story after story of bad things that happened. and abusive things where teachers got the kids ganged up on me because i was an easy target.

 

i chose the least strict college out of the ones i was given to choose from. jerry falwells. my mom said i needed 2 years of bible grounding before she'd allow me to study what i wanted (forestry and wildlife management). well, those 2 years cured me of baptists finally.

 

i knew i'd never go to a baptist church again...so i ended up these little independent bible churches.

 

met a guy, got pregnant, got married. the independent community bible church we had attended for over 2 years decided i was possessed. omg....i think some people come through exorcisms unscathed...but this blew me apart. i had just signed, 2 weeks earlier, the form from the church that stated i would submit to their authority. then they pronounced me possibly possessed. so it had to be a test from god right? and i figured, 'ok, now this is the reason i never fit in with christians all along....i was possessed... but now i'll be all fixed and i will finally fit in'. but i got broken even more. left that church 6 months later. i kept arguing with the leadership that maybe they were crazy and i was ok and as soon as i could get away from them i would be fine....but they insisted i stay in their therapy program because anyone who doesn't get better from an exorcism has serious psychological problems.

 

after that 6 months in their therapy....i went to a presbyterian church but wouldn't join it because of the calvinistic thing and also cuz they might decide i was evil too. but i didn't do things the way they approved (i breastfed my baby during the service and didn't put my kids in the nursery). so the pastors wife, asst pastors wife, and head of women's ministries would call me up whenever i signed up for something and tell me i wasn't welcome. honest to god...i was not one of those militant braless breastfeeders (not that there is anything wrong with that...) and if my kids ever cried or were disruptive i took them out of the service. i am a very quiet and shy p erson. but just seem to rub christians the wrong way. this church practiced the 'ezzo' parenting. omg.... i hope churches don't do that anymore. very sick imo. stayed there for another 3plus years because the church adored my husband. finally left.

 

husband says 'hey i have friends at the ass of god church, lets go there'. so i think, 'well....what worse things can happen than already have?' evil giggles.

 

left that church about 8 years ago.

 

each church i left, it took my husband several months to follow me.

 

i studied the essenes. they have a different jesus, not god but an avatar. he's vegetarian and likes women. i hadn't like the god father for a long time anyway. this jesus sounded ok. if i would ever be a christian it would be with this jesus. but i won't ever be a christian again and it feels so good to say it.

 

i shake when i get around groups of christians. my kids lost most of their friends when i left the church. the moms decided that my views made my kids dangerous to their kids.

 

i stopped reading the bible maybe 13 years ago. i stopped praying about 9 years ago. how come when i prayed for other people good things seemed to happen, but no god or jesus or angel out there was helping my screwed up marriage and head and health. after the exorcism i developed fibromyalgia. i have ptsd, and not just from the exorcism but that is part of it. i decided i was just being used by the invisible angels, god, whoever, to help other people - but i was not worth being helped - and that was all i was good for. so i was very very angry.

 

somewhere along the way discovered energy medicine and realized that doing energy work seems to be about the same as when i used to pray. so i don't need to believe in a god. my T tries to get me to find a goddess. she keeps talking about 'a course of miracles'. that book gets me so upset...'a return to love'. i don't think she realizes how anything having to do with the bible...no matter how benignly some group thinks they can interpret it...can never be made right in my mind.

 

my husband is still a born againer. this is terrible for my kids but that is a whole other thing.

 

i freak him out with my shaman studies, energy work, tarot cards, and such.

 

well that is it.

 

i like what i am reading in the forums. i love the sense of humor i see so much here. i look forward to contributing also and being helpful if i can.

 

thank you to whoever read this.

 

gypsy

[Ouroboros]

Welcome Gypsy,

 

You sure sound like an interesting person, so it'll be fun to see your input in the topics.

[Japedo]

Welcome to the forum Gypsy.

 

 

I never went thru an actual exorcism but did have 'demon's cast out of me by the tali-born-agains when I was a teenager, because of a little hair and make up. The effects of this and other cultist Bullshit will affect people for the rest of their lives. Like your tragic story here. You were never full of demons to begin with. Anything that goes against their Dogma they consider "Evil". they are anti-thinking, that's what makes them cults and that's why they are dangerous.

 

My husband doesn't do church, but likes to think of himself Christian. which is fine, I like to debate him and twist his brain a little LOL. He tries to avoid the issue of Religion all together with me because I am so passionate about my detest for it. I'm lucky in the fact that he accepts me for who I am. (Of course I wouldn't be with anyone who didn't LOL) but...

 

As for your kids I don't know how old they are? However, alternative views are not dangerous to your children. It's the best thing for them IMO. It makes for being well rounded which is more then a lot of us here got on this forum. I believe your husband being a Christian, and you having your views is a great thing, not a hindrance. That being said, It's a blessing in disguise that your children were shunned from the cult. It's a learning experience of how the world works, and what control does to people. This is why its so very important to stress individuality, and taking pride in being unique. It's easy to conform to the mob, the hard part is to set yourself a part from the mob, and hold your head up. It's a very hard thing to do, and all of us here that have left xtinaity have had to go thru it.

[Outsider2]

met a guy, got pregnant, got married.  the independent community bible church we had attended for over 2 years decided i was possessed.  omg....i think some people come through exorcisms unscathed...but this blew me apart.  i had just signed, 2 weeks earlier, the form from the church that stated i would submit to their authority.  then they pronounced me  possibly possessed. so it had to be a test from god right? and i figured, 'ok, now this is the reason i never fit in with christians all along....i was possessed... but now i'll be all fixed and i will finally fit in'.  but i got broken even more.  left that church 6 months later.  i kept arguing with the leadership that maybe they were crazy and i was ok and as soon as i could get away from them i would be fine....but they insisted i stay in their therapy program because anyone who doesn't get better from an exorcism has serious psychological  problems. 

 

Gypsy,

 

I went through an exorcism or deliverance as the Chrasimatic like to call it. Did you have a tough "exorcism"? Did your deliverers get into their job? I ask this because when I think back to my exorcism, I felt nothing. No possesion, no demons popping out of my body, nothing. However, my "deliverers" were screaming, chanting, and dancing around me as they set free another slave of the Devil.

 

So, looking back at the experience, I asked myself, wait a minute... Who was the crazy one during that exorcism, me or my deliverers? Take that to heart and you will see that it is they who have the "major psychological problems". Welcome back to sanity and I hope you enjoy your stay here.

[Guest marktaylor]

Hello Gypsy,

 

Welcome to the forums. I really like the honesty I sense in your story, and am convinced the attempt to exorcise your intelligence failed. Tell me, was that "ass of god" you mentioned the same one Moses saw! Ex.33:23

 

Again, glad to have you here.

[Guest Gypsy]

marktaylor...well i had to drag my old bible out (scoffield, kjv!!) to check out that verse. yes, i believe it was the same ass.

 

hi madame m, i'm glad to hear to ezzo's stuff bothered you too. how sad that you and your h were the only ones bothered by that baby crying. it is heartbreaking. you will have much happier children by following your own instincts. i have a sister who practiced their stuff for a long time. if she still does she keeps it from me.

 

it was hard for me deciding between OSAS and the might be lost at any time church doctrines. i seemed to have obsessed over every doctrine, but i guess that is the nature of us good berean christians (ex).

 

wow, outsider, i have only ever met one other exorcised christian (a cousin). if you want to share what happened i am interested to hear it. definately your deliverers were the crazy ones!! that is a pretty funny picture of them setting you free with their antics ! i don't think people outside of fundy church groups have any idea what kind of craziness can happen. i didn't feel any demons leave, and there wasn't any great good change in me. i did shake and cry to which they attributed to evil spirits. i was going through my first round of ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) at the time and didn't realize it. a few psychic dreams, flashbacks, out of body experiences, depression..... all things apparently pointing to possession....go figure. i think that might be what made the exorcism experience so bad for me. my deliverers were pretty calm. but i felt humiliated and then afterwards they told me that first, i probably was never a chrisitan in the first place so start over with god, and second, that there was no reason for them to come over since i could have cast all my demons out myself. (the 'demons' that had been 'identified' were fear, loneliness.... stuff like that. )

 

those men were incredibly stupid and reckless. and one of them was a clinical social worker and it just bewilders me now, knowing what i know about ptsd, that he heard my history and still went along with an exorcism.

 

i lost 13 pounds in the first week afterwards, couldn't stop crying, my h couldn't leave me to go to work. i was a basket case. my ptsd was around like a 2 until i let them 'heal' me and then it went to a 10.

 

sometimes i think....well, i guess i'll look at this as one more interesting story to tell...but usually people are just creeped out and suspicious if you say anything about it. every once in a while i need to get it out again.

 

hi japedo, what happened in your case? having demons cast out of you sounds like an exorcism. and over hair and makeup, jeez.

 

my kids are 7, 9, 12, 15, and 17. i like that they get different perspectives from my h and i too. lately it's a problem because he's been telling them that if they believe anything i believe then they will go to hell. we start marriage counseling this week so this is definately something to deal with! the oldest son believes like his dad which is fine with me. i want to be a family of choice. but one of the girls is possibly atheist, and the other into alot of mystical stuff and my h is saying he will not 'allow' this.

 

hi hansolo.

 

thank you all for responding to my post. i appreciate all the kind words and sharing.

 

i can see how coming here can be addicting.

 

gypsy