I Need Some Help

[mick]

I have abandoned belief in the BibleGod, and am very relieved that he is not real. However, I am married to a very devout Christian, and all my children are in private Christian school. My best friend also devconverted, but he is able to be more open about it. Because he is able to be more open about it, he is less available for me to easily talk to. All other friends I have left are fundy or never have been born again. I don't know about you, but it seems once you are "ex Born again" the only people who really understand are other "exes" or Christians who are struggling so bad that they know you are right, but can't admit it. They evenutally decide for their own good to not talk about it with you.

 

Anyway, I'm hurting from this faith. I truly love my wife, but know how she thinks. She would think I am of the Devil if she knew I totally abandon the faith. She would think I am bad. I need to be able to "fellowship" with people in the same boat as me.

 

Mick

[Darkside]

Hey Mick. I'm exactly the same boat as you, except I told my wife and my 9 year old son about my deconversion. They're both fundamentalist Christians, and while it hasn't been easy on my wife, I can't imagine going through this without telling her. She's been very supportive, even though she hasn't really been able to understand exactly what I'm going through.

 

I don't know your wife, so I'll have to take your word for it when you say she would think you were "bad" for deconverting, but, personally, I'd tell her anyway. Not telling her is going to drive more of a wedge between you than being honest, and worst of all, it's a wedge that won't go away because you're not dealing with it. If you tell her about what's going on, you're at least allowing for an opportunity to deal with the situation as a couple, rather than ignoring it and having it blow up later when it's too late to do anything about it.

[mick]

Hey Darkside,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Does your wife think you are going to Hell, or are dangerous to you 9 year old because of your unblief?

 

Hey Mick. I'm exactly the same boat as you, except I told my wife and my 9 year old son about my deconversion. They're both fundamentalist Christians, and while it hasn't been easy on my wife, I can't imagine going through this without telling her. She's been very supportive, even though she hasn't really been able to understand exactly what I'm going through.

 

I don't know your wife, so I'll have to take your word for it when you say she would think you were "bad" for deconverting, but, personally, I'd tell her anyway. Not telling her is going to drive more of a wedge between you than being honest, and worst of all, it's a wedge that won't go away because you're not dealing with it. If you tell her about what's going on, you're at least allowing for an opportunity to deal with the situation as a couple, rather than ignoring it and having it blow up later when it's too late to do anything about it.

[Darkside]

My wife thinks I'm in a questioning phase. To be honest, I don't think she knows exactly what to think about whether I'm going to hell. She's always said she doesn't think about hell, she just trusts God to do what's right at the end. Regarding my son, she's concerned that I might confuse him, but not that I'm dangerous to him. Even when I was a Christian, I didn't try to indoctrinate him too heavily, because I wanted him to have his own relationship with God, so I've always encouraged him to think for himself when it comes to his beliefs. Now that I've given up my faith, my wife just doesn't want me to try to convince him to give up his faith too, which I wouldn't do anyway.

 

I forgot to say, my wife's biggest concern would be that I wouldn't love her or be devoted to her anymore -- that as an athiest I might as well cheat on her, etc. According to the beliefs I had before, I loved my wife as Christ loved the church, so since I don't believe in Christ anymore, she saw that as meaning I don't have any real bond with her. I'm trying to show her that I do love her, than nothing between us has changed, that just because the love I have for her is based on an evolved trait rather than something God gave me doesn't make it any less real.

[lothartx]

I'm also in the same situation. I found trying to live a lie was killing me emotionally. I told my wife I no longer believed and that I was an apathetic agnostic. I've since moved on to pretty much an athiest/humanist/materialist world view.

 

My wife also thinks I'm in the "searching" stage. I don't think she understands. It's hard on our relationship, but I think pretending to be a christian was harder on me and would have blown up. I now find church iratating and discusting.

 

Be honest with your wife, but be prepared for an emotional reaction. Be gentle loving and tell her you love her. She may feel betrayed or threatened. I've been called "an evil athiest" and a "liberal" by my wife. She hides my collection of books from the kids. She calls them hate filled anti-christian books.

 

If your in Austin, let me know and we'll grab some beers.

[mick]

Thanks for all your replies. My wife is gradually becoming more in the know. SHe even told me that she just repesses it. We have alot of pain already, due to a child with severe special needs. (autism) My wife believes that God is going to heal him completely. People in her prayer group told her the other night that they had a vision he was going to be healed.

[R. S. Martin]

Mick, I can't say what you should do. Seems it works for some to tell their spouses but then we have testimonies like ridiot. Maybe you've seen his youtubes where he tells about his mother who won't talk to him anymore and also about losing his wife and kids to divorce--all because he deconverted. I've never been married but I feel like I lost what family I had. Not all Christians react the same. Eventually you will probably know what to do. I posted a little bit about my experiences in "Breaking the Bad News," my testimony, and my blog on this forum. Feel free to send me a pm if you need someone to talk to.

[Guest Ivy Leigh]

Mick,

 

My first post here! Woot!

 

I have gone through a similar journey, and wanted to let you know, that if you have an experience like many of us, you will find that the intensity of the conflict mayl fade over time. In my life, as I got more accustomed to my new world view, I found that the "god" question didn't overwhelm my thoughts as much as they did initially. My husband gradually came to see that I was the same person, with morals and standards - I just had a little broader world view. After a few years, he came to realize that he too had finally become an atheist.

 

It wasn't an easy journey but it was a very worthwhile one. These basic fundamental differences in your beliefs seem so huge now, I know! But the fact that your wife has already admitted to having doubts etc. shows strength of character and a questioning mind. In time, hopefully, she'll be able to gently push her boundaries even more.

 

I've worked with autistic children and I can sure understand that she would have a lot of motivation to believe and follow, in hopes that your son will improve. Perhaps over time she will be able to see that the great strides that are happening in autism therapy over the past few years have been due to science and the scientific process - and that will appeal to her over the faith based approach.

 

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that over time, your spouse may be able to see your radical new world view as less of a threat to their way of being and more of a light of clear-thinking.

 

Ivy

[R. S. Martin]

Welcome Ivy Leigh! And thanks for sharing.

[mick]

Had pretty sad conversation with my wife today. Told her I was agnostic at best. It was strange. Mostly just sad. We love each other. I must admit that sometimes I do miss the feeling I had when thought I had an all powerful deity taking care of me and forgiving me for all my sins. In my kitchen right now the song "Jesus, Lamb of God, Worthy is your name" is playing. I remmeber singin it in church with my hands in the air and tears in my eyes worshipping.

 

I have been reading through alot my older posts and I can sense the anger in my posts. I must admit today I had some doubt/fear about de-converting. It was probably because there felt like a finalty to it. My wife pretty much knows now and is accepting that I am not really a CHristian anymore. I guess the thought of HER accepting it made me start to fear it some. (I thought I was past fearing it)

 

Hell is not fair!!!!!

[Guest Ivy Leigh]

Wow, things are moving so fast for you right now! You must feel like you've been in a car wreck. It is a wreck of a kind!

 

And you know that really amazing feeling when you were a christian? When you felt so full of joy and humility at how amazing life is? We get that as atheists too! And a "peace that passes understanding." We just don't ascribe it to a Sky Daddy.

 

If you're feeling overwhelmed right now, please know that things will feel a lot different in a month. And in a year, you'll be used to the "new normal" even more. My thoughts are with you and your wife right now. Hang in there!

 

Ivy

 

And Ruby thank you for the welcome to the forum

[sithprincess]

Deconversion is sad. It's a little like leaving part of yourself, and you do miss god being there. It's like a person is missing from your life because you've spent years talking to him. At least you got it out in the open. I'm glad your wife was accepting of it. It must feel awkward though. It will get better in time. I'm a new "deconvert" and I'm already adjusting, and you will too. Hang in there!

[mick]

Thank you for all your replies.

 

Another hard thing for me (though absurd) is the fact that I miss the feeling of a "perpetual forgiveness". Christians even talk about how you have the right as a Christian child of God to go right to him to confess sin and noone else (bad behaviour I guess is what to call it now- though some "sin" really doesn't qualify as bad behaviour in the real world. example "coveting someones car or something. It's really just kind of normal, you know?)

 

However, we are all imperfect people. And I guess there was a part of me that liked feeling like God had completely forgiven me of anything.

 

The basics of the faith seem clearly absurd to me now. (I.e. The Bible, Hell, the fact that it would reasonable to reject it, and then go to eternal torment, the division of Christian and Heathen, Bible cruelty, it goes on and on.)

 

I must reiterate though, to hear my wife kind of accept it, made it turn a little scary to me. Fear of going to Hell crept back just a little. It's so ironic. I had my "fire insurance" (in my own mind) and buried my feelings about how horrible it was for people to go to ertenal torment simply for not believing. BUT when I finally realized this is not acceptable, and decide it can't be true, I am now guilty of the only thing (according to CHristianity) that can keep me out of heave, unbelief.

 

Anyway, this board has become my only source of encouragement at the moment. My other freind who left the faith has become very distant. Though I can talk to him sometimes.

 

Deconversion is sad. It's a little like leaving part of yourself, and you do miss god being there. It's like a person is missing from your life because you've spent years talking to him. At least you got it out in the open. I'm glad your wife was accepting of it. It must feel awkward though. It will get better in time. I'm a new "deconvert" and I'm already adjusting, and you will too. Hang in there!

[Guest Ivy Leigh]

Amen to what they're saying up there ^^^

 

Brother and I, both ex-christians, had that same "hell fear" the first few years out. You have to wonder tho...If he's a "god of love" why was the last thing to leave my head that fear of hellfire.

 

Keep us posted Mick. Things do get better! They get kickass, really!

 

Ivy

[Darkside]

I know what you mean Mick. My wife's accepting that I am no longer a Christian was a turning point almost as poignant as the first time I realized that I no longer believed. All of a sudden my unbelief became much more real, and I knew there was no going back; it was the final step in my deconversion.

 

Or maybe not quite the final step. I imagine the first time I talk to my former pastor about it will be similar. I wrote him and a lot of my other Christian friends a letter describing my deconversion (another poignant moment), but I imagine I'll see him again and need to discuss the matter one last time.

 

It's not an easy process by any stretch of the imagination, and I do sometimes feel nostalgic for my old Christian life, for simple faith and a feeling of security, being sure that I had all of the answers. If it had been up to me I never would have given it up in the first place; in fact, part of me wishes I could go back, but I literally can't. Once I saw the absurdity of it I couldn't continue in it any longer. This inability to return is one way I know my deconversion is genuine. Though my emotions might at times wish it were so, there's no loving God waiting with open arms for this prodigal. It's probably like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus; a little sad, but part of growing up.