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Summary Of Christianity


Ramen666
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THIS IS GOING TO BE MY MOST CONTROVERSIAL POST EVER

 

:jesus: This is for the Christians out there:

 

First Brief Summary of the Bible and what it Wants from us: NOTE HEAVY SATIRE IS USED

 

God created the world in 6 Days. He created all living things on Earth, light day, animals and even humans. God tells these humans "do not eat off the Tree of Knowlege of good and evil." Of course God is all knowing "Christians you know that" A snake then comes out of know where and starts talking to them. :dumbo:

 

Remember I said above God created all animals, last time I checked a snake counts as an animal. Well the snake talks to them and he tells them " They will not die." NOT DIE. God said otherwise didn't he. Well Eve eats off the tree and then Adam gets a boner from watching Eve and then he gives in and eats the fruit.

 

Then.... :pureevil: God comes out of know where and curses humanity for there sins. There ONE mistake and WE ARE DOOMED.

 

Then now to Noahs Ark. Good man Noah was he was sent on task to build an ark and put all the animals of the whole earth in it. Hey all the animals of the Earth are walking distance from his home, so its possible isn't it Christians. Well God unleashs his wrath again. AND KILLS EVERYONE except the people on the ark. ( God is loving) It rains and pours for 40 days and nights.

 

Another thing that happend in the fantastic adventures in the Bible God kills the first born son in Egypt. :twitch: He also unleashs a whole bunch of things on the Pharoh but here is the twist. God was the one who hardend the heart of the pharoh in the first place. It is said more than once in the Bible.

 

Are Good Friend Jesus Now :jesus::jesus:

 

A virgin name Mary, Maybe Mary18??? Got boned by God and thus a baby named Jesus was born.

Tough man named Joseph off the streets saw the woman (also boned her) and they had the kid named Jesus which he didn't even know was his son. Well Jesus was born...

 

30 Years there is no sign of his presence....

 

I bet he was clubin and whatnot, then 12 gay man come and worship him. These men are from bums to child molestors. Jesus and his disciples sleep together for some times and get it on. Then Jesus one night has a revelation

 

Jesus- " Judas you WILL betray me"

Judas- No my lord

Jesus- ( Drinks wine) The wine represents the blood of a womans period which I created

Disciples Yaaaaaaaaaa

Jesus- The bread see how it is long and hard

Disciples- Ya?

Jeus- It represents my penius when Mary Magneline is in my presence

Judas- Damn Good one

 

Later that day... Jesus gets told he isn't God and he is a liar to the Jews. Jesus then gets crucified on the cross. :crucified: He dies and comes back 3 days later and meets him homies Mary (him momma) and Mary Magenline ( who he wants to bone) Then he floats off into heaven.......and he wants us to follow the Bible and not do naughty things even though God breaks more than enough of his own rules.

 

 

So this dude named Paul comes into the picture. Never even met Jesus and starts writing his version of the truth down. HIS INTERPRETATION.

 

Finally after the events, even though God is loving the word kill is used 437 times in the Bible. Then the new religion is made from the exsisting religion of Judaism.

 

WTF AM I TALKING ABOUT (The Christian reader is thinking)

 

Christianity Hijacked Juadism. The Torah is the begining created by Jews. Then Christians created The New Testament. Trying to make all the prophecys true and including are favorite things hell and satan.

 

:Duivel7: What is hell to Christianity?

 

Hell is the place you go if you end up on the naughty list in the book of life. God will look at it to see how many brownie points you recieved. How many times you came to these forums and spread the word :woohoo: of Jeezus.

 

Oh maybe I didn't go in detail Hell is a place where you will burn and suffer and have eternal torment for all eternity from what?

 

Sinning? No God can't fix that

 

Not believing the one true God Jesus Christ the lawd AMEN BROTHAS AMEN BROTHAS Even though there are billions and billions suffering right now because they don't know Jeezus but they were nice good citizens. But they didn't suck up enough for God.

 

Heaven is the opposite: instead of being in hell with the more interesting people. You will be bowing down to the lawd.

 

for all eternity and sucking Gods huge dick probably the size of Road Island.

 

Wow this post is getting kind of long but not as long as the Bible. I wonder what the Christians will say on this post. I want to here feedback because this took an hour to write.

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Or, to sum it up clearly for our morontheist guests who commonly have trouble comprehending more than ten words in a posting: Your faith is...

 

...BULLSHIT. :fdevil:

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Or, to sum it up clearly for our morontheist guests who commonly have trouble comprehending more than ten words in a posting: Your faith is...

 

...BULLSHIT. :fdevil:

 

 

Amen :grin:

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Probably a lot of you are wondering what the heck did I write this for. I wrote it using satire and being offensive on pourpose. The thing is Christians will see that I wrote this and it demonstrates something more than just the core meaning. Most of the stories I did base off the "facts" I wrote in a fashion to make a Christian may turn purple in the face.

 

The Mary Magenline jokes I am using to make fun of the Da Vinci Code...I used these for a reason.

 

In the end how it is written you can see it is bullshit (the stories) I wrote them in a fairy tale like fashion like the Bible

 

Christians do you honestly believe God flew away? Do you believe in talking snakes, EVERY animal in the world on Noahs Ark. A loving God THAT KILLS AND SENDS TO HELL! And over all ALLOWS Satan to screw with are minds that is not love my friends.

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I wish this could be spoken to all the Christians that I know.

 

Oh, it's so freakin' annoying when they try to shove "God" in my face. It's like they just ignore the absurdity and try to explain things without proof or evidence. I heard one guy talk about how there was some kind of a large conference where a top Atheist and a top Christian debated and the Christian won or some stupid shit like that. The only way I see a Christian winning is if the judges are also Christians or completely lacking reason. The same goes for the audience. The only way the Atheist would lose is if he's a complete dumbass at debating. Then again, reason and logic is enough to win over a Christian from a normal perspective anyway. Next time a Christian tries to talk me into that religion again, I'll purposely offend him.

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