You Know You're A Fundy When ...... (fill In The Blank)

[Piprus]

50. You won't allow your kids to listen to rock music on the radio, but country & western is okay.

 

51. You believe god's purpose in creating the chicken was to cut it up and fry it in a ritual involving 11 herbs and spices.

[Jubilant]

52. You believe that your fellow home educating families are Christian.

 

53. You have the following bumper sticker: "Wanna make God laugh? Tell Him YOUR plans.

 

54. You believe that you are a True Christian ™ and all the other believers are misled.

[chefranden]

55. You have Rapture Ready bookmarked.

[R. S. Martin]

56. You think for the urban poor and refugees, knowing they are saved is more important than knowing where their next meal is coming from because the psalmist said: I have been young and grown old and I have never yet seen the children of God begging for bread. (QUESTION: Exactly how old was he when he said that??? How aware of life outside his father's estate and later beyond his own palace walls? After all, his biggest problem was how to cover up that he got his neighbour's beautiful wife pregnant.)

 

57. You think being homeless and out of a job is evidence of a godless life.

 

58. When you read about Jesus' blessings on the poor you know he means you because you are too poor to own a yacht and lakefront property.

[Guest JP]

59. You have no problem making another prophecy when the one you just made didn't happen.

 

60. You have no problem believeing someone whose prophecy didn't happen when they make another one.

[godlessgrrl]

61. You don't know the difference between "education" and "promotion."

 

62. You're much more interested in adhering to doctrine than you are with actually caring about people.

 

63. You come into non-Xian forums and insult the members there, then invoke Matthew 5:10-12 when people fight back, instead of realizing what a total twonk you are.

 

63a. You think that people are objecting to Jesus, when in fact they're objecting to you personally because you're a dick.

 

64. You don't know the difference between "clear separation of church and state" and "persecution of Xians."

 

65. You think everybody who doesn't believe in your brand of Xianity is worshipping Satan, whether they know it or not.

 

66. You think Josh McDowell is a really great apologeticist.

[Open_Minded]

66. You think Josh McDowell is a really great apologeticist.

 

Number 66 and Counting ... getting closer to 666.

 

I'm sure we'll have no problem listing 666 indicators of being a fundy.

 

67. This thread just pisses you off... but you pray for our eternal salvation anyway because the anger in your heart - towards us - is convicting you and reminding you that Jesus commanded you to love your enemies.

[Amethyst]

68. Anything that happens in your favor is "God's plan," especially coincidences. Anything that happens that's not in your favor is still "God's plan," no matter who died or how tragic the experience was.

 

69. You think that all of the people who died in events like 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina and the like died because they did not have enough faith, regardless of how hard they prayed when the afore-mentioned event was happening.

 

70. You do your best to "comfort" people at funerals with platitudes such as "don't worry sweetie, it was all in God's plan."

 

71. Despite how much you believe in God's plan, you think that the fact that nobody, not even the Pope or other Christian leaders know what God's plan is, isn't strange at all.

 

72. You would be excited if there was a nuclear holocaust somewhere in the world because you think it would mean that the rapture was coming.

[I Broke Free]

73. You will believe some twit on pulpit telling you that being gay is choice rather than your own gay child. Thus proving that your own personal ‘salvation’ is of greater importance to you than believing you own child.

 

Inspired by the following, which to me sums up most fundys

 

62. You're much more interested in adhering to doctrine than you are with actually caring about people

[Mythra]

74. You turn your head when a commercial comes on tv with a cute girl in a bikini. (at least when other christians are in the room)

 

75. Your tithes dwarf your house payment.

[Piprus]

76. You think Stalin killed all those people in Russia because he was an atheist.

 

77. You have to borrow money for the offering plate when the Billy Graham crusade comes to town.

[godlessgrrl]

78. You're proud of remaining a virgin past your 30's, and think that women who have sex are sluts, but conveniently pretend that you don't have a giant stash of porn under your bed which you've been whacking off to every night since you were 10.

 

79. You think the KJV 1611 Bible translation is the best ever produced - better even than the original texts. You think that any new translation is the work of Satan, designed to deceive the faithful with diabolically planted or false information.

 

80. Feminism scares you.

 

81. You are pro-life because "the Bible says God is pro-life", despite your being unable to provide a single scripture directly supporting your assertion.

 

82. You regularly suspend reason in favor of religious faith.

 

83. You firmly believe that God made men the head of the family, and come up with all kinds of slippery explanations as to why and how male supremacy actually liberates women.

 

84. You think you know exactly what God wants (and you fail to notice or acknowledge that it's generally the same thing that you want).

 

85. You think God speaks to you regularly.

 

86. You think that evolution, abiogenisis, and Big Bang Theory are all somehow the same thing.

 

87. You believe that doubt is an attack of Satan.

 

88. You believe that Satan is a real entity and regularly attacks God's followers.

 

89. You believe that RPG's (especially of the D&D type) are Satanic and evil.

[Amethyst]

90. You seriously think that Spock on Star Trek looks like a demon and that Star Trek is Satanic.

 

91. You call anyone who doesn't believe in your god a "gargoyle" and "dark-sided."

[Piprus]

92. You believe the pastor when he says "God has a plan for your life" and you're already 90 years old.

 

93. You think "bigotry" means having more than one wife.

 

94. You believe Sister Clara's episode of speaking in tongues in last Sunday's service really was due to an infestation of the holy spirit instead of a pair of too-tight pantyhose.

[Mythra]

92. You're a republican. Because God is a republican. DUH.

[Open_Minded]

93. If you're female you ...

• NEVER where slacks, pants, jeans, etc.... and every dress you own is ankle length - or longer.
  
• NEVER attend church without first putting some covering over your hair.
  
• You NEVER cut your hair and you always where it up in a bun.
  

[Amethyst]

Ooh...thanks Open Minded.

 

94. You're a female and you think wearing makeup is evil because it makes women look like whores. (Any makeup, even neutral tones.)

 

95. You think symbols of the zodiac are Satanic.

 

96. You think anyone wearing a T-shirt with a dragon on it or some other fantasy creature is going to hell, but especially the dragons.

 

97. You think that card games like Magic the Gathering are evil.

[Mythra]

Speaking of cards:

 

98. You go over to a friend's house and see a deck of Tarot cards. You find it overwhelmingly physically impossible to keep your mouth shut about them.

[Onyx]

99. Openly condemn the Muslim fundamentalists over their handling of the Muhammad cartoons but scream when the Last Temptation of Christ is screened.

 

100. Scream about disableds being the result of Original Sin when you in fact fathered a son who was disabled.

[Piprus]

101. You lauch a petition drive in protest when the local TV station moves the Dr. Phil show to a time slot that conflicts with the 700 Club.

 

102. You save your money for two years to vacation in Lynchburg, Virginia just so you can visit Jerry Falwell's church.

 

103. Your colon goes spastic when your high school kid comes home and says, "Mom, Dad, I think I'm an atheist."

[boink666]

104. You kick your teenage son/daughter on the street because they are atheist.

 

105. You think The Beetles are doomed to hell because they were "bigger then Jesus."

[Guest Mike1945]

I got this list from one of my newsletter subscriptions.

 

You May be a Fundamentalist If...

http://www.jumbojoke.com/you_may_be_a_fund...list_if_73.html

(Jumbo Joke is a free service of This is True)

 

10. You may be a fundamentalist if you vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9. You may be a fundamentalist if you feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8. You may be a fundamentalist if you laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7. You may be a fundamentalist if your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God / Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" - including women, children, and trees!

6. You may be a fundamentalist if you laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5. You may be a fundamentalist if you are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (4.55 billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a couple of generations old.

4. You may be a fundamentalist if you believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs - though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3. You may be a fundamentalist if while modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 You may be a fundamentalist if you define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% failure was simply the will of God.

1. You may be a fundamentalist if you actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

 

"The wicked thing about both the little and the great "collective faiths," prehistoric and historic, is that they all, without exception, pretend to hold encompassed in their ritualized mythologies all of the truth ever to be known. They are therefore cursed, and they curse all who accept them, with what I shall call the "error of the found truth," or, in mythological language, the sin against the Holy Ghost.

"They set up against the revelations of the spirit the barriers of their own petrified belief, and, therefore, within the ban of their control, mythology, as they shape it, serves the end only of binding potential individuals to whatever system of sentiments may have seemed to the shapers of the past (now sanctified as saints, sages, ancestors or even gods) to be appropriate to their concept of a great society." - Joseph Campbell

 

 

 

OOOpps, I forgot to number these. that brings us up to 115.

[Mythra]

You know you're a fundy when:

 

116. You actually know what a "prayer closet" is.

[Guest JP]

117. You have given money to groups like Focus on the Family.

 

118. You cover up the Harry Potter books in bookstores with Christian ones.

[godlessgrrl]

119. Your best defense of your Holy Book consists of absolutely batshit crazy circular logic such as:

 

BTW- For me to try and explain the Bible to you, when the Bible itself declares that you cannot understand it would show that I didn't believe the Bible. And to think, after all these years, the Bible is always true. Your misunderstanding is a testimony to the truth of the Bible.

 

120. You willfully misunderstand and misrepresent the beliefs (or lack thereof) of other individuals, assuming you know better than they do what they actually believe.

 

121. You probably haven't actually read much of your Holy Babble, or...

 

121a. ...you've read the whole damn thing and still believe it, which is even more scary.