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Goodbye Jesus

You Know You're A Fundy When ...... (fill In The Blank)


Open_Minded

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Good morning everyone... Well this thread is two days old and we're already at 122. We'll get to 666 in no time at all. ;)

 

You might be a fundy if...

 

122. You don't get the irony when you sing - "They'll know we are Christians by our love.... by our love... by our love...."

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Guest Tenryu Osho

From personal experience-

-You are deathly afraid of anything or anyone who is not approved of by your church, and will more than likely turn tail and run, apparently thinking the Devil is after you. Despite the fact that the church widely states that the Devil already had his ass handed to him by Jesus. (So what are they afraid of? Satan cooties?)

-You will readily label all other religions as cults and New Age, even in the face of historical documentation that those religions predate Christianity.

-You will walk around with a sense of accomplishment after going to church and "feeling the spirit move".

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124. You use the word "saved", you're only talking about a very small, select group of people - and you're not talking about putting money in the bank. :wicked:

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125. You believe god cares about giving you a parking space but can't manage to feed a homeless living in the street.

 

126. You believe everything happens for a reason.

 

127. Your child's education fund is second to the building fund for the new church.

 

128. You have no problems with bacteria developping (ie : evolving) resistance to drugs but suddenly make a fuss when scientists claim animals can change enough to become a new specie after enough time and enough change has accumulated.

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*Inspired by my former fundy cubemate, whom I had to share a cubicle with for 8 months at my last job. Yes, my former fundy cube mate supposedly had a college degree. How he managed to get one, I don't know.

 

129. You think that god used space aliens to put the remains of dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals on Earth in order to fool humans.

 

130. You think that spontaneous combustion proves that god exists, despite there being no evidence that spontaneous combustion is real.

 

131. You like Christianity because it reminds you of the Transformers cartoon (or some other cartoon with black and white morality).

 

132. You cannot go a single day without making every conversation about religion, even when talking about the weather.

 

133. Even at work, you brainwash yourself with audio cassettes or CDs of the Bible and other religious books.

 

134. Instead of working, you visit Christian web sites.

 

135. You constantly drive people around you nuts by your constant evangalism.

 

136. You do not respect the space or privacy of others, and you invade it constantly by pushing religion onto them even when they have asked you multiple times to please leave them alone.

 

137. Your proselytizing techniques would make an Amway salesman jealous.

 

138. You are afraid of the color pink because you think that other people would think that you were gay if you wore it/drank a beverage colored pink/etc.

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139. You're excited about the rapture. You look for signs about the rapture and you're happy about it.

 

140. You support Isreal so much to the point where even when Palestinans are killed it doesn't bother you.

 

141. You homeschool your children.

 

142. You want to ban books that use God's name in vain

 

143. You're afraid of Liberals

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144. You label yourself a True Christian.

 

145. You think that everyone who has beliefs even slightly different than yours have been blinded by Satan.

 

146. You are President of the Left Behind Fan Club.

 

147. You go to atheist/nonbeliever websites and tell them that you're not there to convert them, even though you know you are.

 

148. You have a bumper sticker that says, "Real Men Love Jesus."

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149. You think that you have a god-given right to be rude to others when you go to sites that are not run by Christians. After all, it's "just a message forum" and the rules do not apply to you because you think that you have been sent by god to convert and/or condemn everyone else there.

 

150. When someone suggests that you are arrogant, you are either completely baffled or you lash out at them for daring to suggest such a thing, thus proving that you are indeed arrogant.

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151. You think you being a Christian makes you a minority in American society, even though you make up 75% of the population.

 

152. You think that homosexuality is a disease.

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Oh... Oh.... I know ... I know..... :wicked:

 

(Amethyst ... I think I know who you're speaking of... PLEASE ... let me continue)

 

153. As a TRUE Christian - you have the right to change definitions of words to suite your own position, or self-image.

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?s=&a...st&p=229988

crazy-

 

I am suprised that you haven't recognized my posts as 'compassionate'. I guess some people just don't recognize compassion when they see it. And that is fair. I don't expect many here to recognize true compassion....

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156. You act like a pharisee, but you are so blinded by your own arrogance that you cannot see that.

 

157. You cannot debate without resorting to childish techniques like name-calling.

 

158. You admit that you are a troll.

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159. You say things like this...

"The earth can't be billions of years old because it is slowly spinning down due to energy loss. If it was billions of years old, it would have to have been spinning at millions of miles per hour, throwing the dinosaurs that were supposed to exist then off of the earth (maybe that's why they're extinct, eh?)"
.... and you're being serious. :banghead:

 

(Thanks JP, for the link to Fundies Say the Darndest Things website)

 

http://www.fstdt.com/fundies.asp

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160. You think the speck in your brother's eye is more dangerous then the log in your eye.

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161. You purchase products that are direct rip-offs of other products, only because they are "Christian alternatives" (such as "Praise Moves," the Christian Alternative to Yoga.)

 

162. You met your husband/wife on Eharmony.com.

 

163. You think Spongebob Squarepants is gay and subliminally making your children gay as well.

 

164. You have a problem with people claiming that we evolved, yet have no problem believing that you are made from dust.

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165. You believe that the rapture will occur before any environmental consequences of man's activities present a serious problem.

 

166. You think that the godly go through adolescence with nary a prurient thought, only to marry and instantly be ready to enjoy a fantastic sex life.

 

167. You believe that the horoscope in your local newspaper is coming straight from satan and that interpretation of tongues falls short of only the bible in its veracity.

 

168. Your cold goes away after 7 days and you claim you were healed by god.

 

EDIT: Number ordering, seems I posted at nearly the same time as the previous post. :Doh:

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169. You bomb abortion clinics, or protest them.

170. You make up lies about Margaret Sanger. i.e. she knew hitler and they were best buds.

171. The Kent Hovind trial was obvious persecution.

172. You compare abortions to the holocaust.

173. You're pro life, and also pro death penalty!

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174. You believe there's a homosexual agenda.

 

175. You believe that you're somehow better than non-Christians.

 

176. You're blindly partiotic and believe the United States was founded on Christianity.

 

177. You ignore the part of the Constitution that states there should be a separation of church and state.

 

178. You're pro-life, but you really don't care about saving babies. In reality you have discomfort for people who have sex freely even when they're practicing safe sex.

 

179. You care about what two men are doing in the privacy of their own homes.

 

180. You would like to ban sex toys because you think what people are doing in the privacy of their own homes is somehow your business.

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181. Every other word out of your mouth is "Jesus."

 

182. You regularly redefine words to suit your religious agenda.

 

183. You are unable to speak to another human being without using extensive Christianese.

 

184. You think lying for Jesus is just fine, if it wins a convert in the end.

 

185. You adhere to a literal interpretation of the Bible. In fact, you don't think it's possible that the Bible could even be "interpreted" in the first place.

 

186. If you're a woman, you wear very plain clothing in dull, neutral or pastel colors, in styles that reveal nothing about the shape of your body underneath.

 

187. If you're Mormon, you wear weird underwear.

 

188. If you're some other fundy Xian, you don't think Mormons are Xians.

 

189. You make friends with people in order to convert them, not because you're actually interested in who they are as an individual.

 

190. You missionary date, or flirt to convert. You don't consider this deceptive and don't care how your chosen victim might feel when they find out you're being dishonest with them.

 

191. You consider missionary dating or friendship evangelism to be more damaging to the spirituality of the Xian doing it, than to the psyche of the victim you're manipulating.

 

192. Your name is Biblical.

 

193. You have sex in the missionary position every time.

 

194. You never see your spouse completely naked. Even when you have sex, the lights are out. (Spouse's fundy grandparents did this.)

 

195. You believe the existence of homosexuals, divorcees, independent women, or whatever other group you find morally questionable is an outright personal attack on your godliness.

 

196. You think there's such a thing as being "godly", and most people aren't it.

 

197. You make your daughters take virginity pledges (or take one yourself if you're a teenage girl).

 

198. You frequently speak in tongues.

 

199. You decorate your home with nothing but religious and/or inspirational objects, posters, etc.

 

200. You think Thomas Kinkade is a really great artist.

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201. You've memorised whole sections of the Bible and try to recite them chapter and verse as much as you can in everyday conversation.

 

202. You only listen to christian music like Amy Grant and Cliff Richard

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203. You fail to see how holding the belief of exclusive knowledge and understanding of god is arrogant.

 

204. You think that your education from the restrictive, unaccredited Bible college you attended trumps the educations others have received at prestigious, accredited, "secular" universities, because your college taught you the truth according to God's Word™.

 

205. You fail to see how exclusive claims of salvation are arrogant.

 

206. Inside you're really very terrified of life, though you won't admit it.

 

207. You answer skeptics' earnest questions with faulty logic and misleading non sequiturs, and think you've done a good job responding.

 

208. You assume that all morality comes ultimately from your deity, whether anybody recognizes it or not.

 

209. You don't believe anybody can be a truly moral person without guidance from your god.

 

210. You believe that without da Lawd, everybody is utterly depraved and wicked, and if you didn't have Jesus you'd devolve into a ravenous, rapacious, amoral criminal at the drop of a hat.

 

211. You can hold the ideas "children are utterly innocent" and "human beings are utterly depraved" in your head at the same time and fail to realize they are contradictory.

 

212. You believe the Bible is full of fulfilled prophecies and come up with all kinds of convoluted apologetics arguments to explain why they were fulfilled, when they really weren't.

 

213. You believe the Bible is free of contradictions and come up with all kinds of convoluted apologetics arguments to explain why nothing in the Bible contradicts itself, when it really does.

 

214. You are very good at ignoring or denying reality when it does not match up with your religious viewpoint or beliefs.

 

215. You think atheism is a religion.

 

216. You think science is a religion.

 

217. You think creationism and Intelligent Design are science.

 

218. You believe there is such a thing as "the homosexual lifestyle" or "the atheistic lifestyle" or "the feminist lifestyle."

 

219. You oppose gay marriage on the grounds that god made marriage for one man and one woman only, while conveniently ignoring the many examples of Yahweh-approved polygamy in the OT, or the homoerotic implications of the relationship between David and Jonathan.

 

220. You have an internet handle like "JesusWalks" or "IdDie4Him" or "KJV1611_4Evah".

 

221. You believe humanity has no right to judge, doubt, or question god or god's morality.

 

222. You believe that the massacres and genocides spoken of in the OT were just fine because god had some good reason for them or other.

 

223. You would kill someone if you believed god told you to.

 

224. You claim that the OT doesn't apply anymore because of Jesus' sacrifice, yet you apply OT rules and regulations to groups you don't like anyway.

 

225. You'll come up with any excuse as to why someone isn't a Xian any longer, other than the reasons they give themselves, from their own experience.

 

226. You think the Bible trumps everything else, despite its dubious origins and general unreliability.

 

227. You refuse to believe that anyone who isn't a believer can possibly be happy and live a fulfilling life, because they don't have Jesus.

 

227a. You think that happy unbelievers are fooling themselves, that they aren't really happy but they just don't know it.

 

228. You think masturbation is a sin.

 

229. You quote the verses about Onan "spilling his seed" to support your belief that masturbation is a sin, despite the fact that the story is actually about a guy performing coitus interruptus so he wouldn't get his dead brother's wife pregnant, and has nothing at all to do with masturbation.

 

230. You feel a deep-seated shame about having a sex drive. You feel very ashamed of your sexuality in general.

 

231. You abstain from alcohol. You claim that God is against drinking alcohol, even though Jesus did things like turn water into wine, and even though there's no scriptural injunction against drinking alcohol in moderation.

 

232. You believe the Bible but don't actually follow it; instead, you chastise yourself for falling short, and make up all kinds of excuses why perfection in adherence to doctrine doesn't actually apply to you.

 

233. You don't believe in infant baptism.

 

234. You think Jesus is your boyfriend. You talk about him using florid, romantic language.

 

235. You get really offended when people want to call god "Mother" instead of "Father".

 

236. You get really offended when someone claims that the Song of Solomon is an erotic love poem.

 

237. The idea of Jesus being married or Mary having sex with Joseph is abhorrent to you. (They're too PURE to have sex!!!)

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238. When the witchcraft museum at Boscastle in Cornwall was destroyed by flooding you rejoiced.

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239. You listen in rapt silence when local church leaders get on the TV or the radio to preach about the 'true meaning' of Christmas and Easter. (Don't know if that happens in other places, but it certainly does where I am - and it is fucking annoying!)

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240. you think science is divided 50/50 over evolution

 

241. you think there is scientific proof of the moon being young or noah's ark

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Gwenmead.... :twitch:

 

I'm impressed - numbers 181-200 and 203-233 .... you were on a major roll.... were we releasing a wee bit O' tension. :lmao:

 

Anyway.......

 

242. There are no women elders, deacons, teachers, pastors in your church. Yet the majority of adults sitting in your pews on Sunday morning are women.

 

243. The sign in front of your church has proudly proclaimed for 15 years - or more - "EVERYONE welcome". And yet - you actively led efforts to oust a members because they had the audacity to question your particular theology.

 

244. As you led these efforts you regularly, loudly and proudly proclaimed to anyone who would listen that you had prayed intensely about the "conflict" within your church and felt guided to do the vicious things you were doing to rid your congregation of those who disagreed with you.

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