The Bullshit Fundie Parents Dish Out

[Rhia]

I'm more than willing to help with the ass-kicking of your donor... although I know something MUCH more painful than an ass-kicking or cutting to shreds that if you wish to know about further, PM me; 'cause there's WAY too many guys on this forum who would not be pleased... let's just say it involves a thin glass tube and a sledgehammer. *laughs maniacally*

 

Ugh- people like that deserve to have done to them what they dished out, and although I'm mainly quite pacifistic; I'm willing to help!

[Toxic]

I went to a private boarding school where churhc attendence was compulsory. Once I got whacked with a gym shoe for misbehaving in church.

[Lorena Rodriguez]

"A disobedient child has shorter days..." they, literally, made me believe if I did something my mom told me not to I would drop dead...

 

Thank you for the reminder, LMR. That was the big one with me. I had to love and forgive my abusive mother, or I would be destroyed by God.

 

She also told me that I was ugly, fat, stupid, disgraceful, a pain in the ass, etc. I have a couple of small scars on my face as a reminder of her beatings, the last one when I was 32.

 

Amelia, where is your Dad? Do you still speak to him? Does he know of your deconversion?

Edit: Actually, this post of yours answered my questions.

But I think it would be refreshing to see a Buddhist or Hindu open-minded group run a freer sort of "spirituality cure".

 

I've heard of people teaching meditation in prisons. Here is an example

[Megara]

Add me to the list of people that hate and want to kick your "father"'s ass.

[Amelia]

Hey Guys,

 

Well get this - tonight my brother called me for the first time in over a year (on my business line, since he knows that number) just for proof of life!! Apparently my parents are away on vacation now having a great time.

 

And then when my brother gets into the topic of me not being in touch with them, I start talking and he tells me to shut up or he'll hang up. He said he didn't want to hear it, and that he gave his opinion on the matter earlier (a few years back, along the lines of, "Just get over it! I turned out okay and we had the same parents, so get on with it"). He also told me not to talk over him when I was just saying, "Can you try, try to understand how I feel for a minute?" And I just said, "Well, do you actually care about my feelings or not? Or was this just a call to see if I was alive?" He just said the topic of conversation was over, and then proceeded to talk about his life for the next 90 or so minutes, until he ended the conversation by saying, "Phone's ringing, I have to go".

 

I cried after the call - I felt invalidated, and I always feel like a nutcase and stupid talking to anybody from my family. Tonight was no exception.

 

I then sent this email to him shortly after, since he just said on the phone that he thinks the only reason I've broken all ties with my parents and him is because I "want to punish" my parents:

 

If they don’t want to validate me and apologize for everything they did to me, there won’t be a relationship between them and I.

 

If they want a quality relationship with me, they’re going to have to show me a bit of love and respect. They can do this by contacting me via letter or email. I will not speak to them or see them in person. Dad also needs to give up with the church talk and end times stuff with me, because I don’t believe in it. I do not share his views at all. I am not a fundamentalist Christian who just takes the bible literally and at face value. I’ve never done this. I just fit in with all the church stuff because if he didn’t get his way (i.e. if he didn’t get his ministry), we’d all pay for it. This is what I referred to when I said I’m a person they won’t approve of. Dad told me as a kid that he “loved” me but “didn’t like” me. I’ve known this for years, and with the exception of depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder (all professionally diagnosed mind you– all of which I suffered whilst living with you since I was about nine or so and nobody even bothered to get me help for), I’ve gotten by okay.

 

You need to talk to people who have been abused physically and emotionally by their parents, in order to understand how I feel. You just can’t get over it. The reason why you didn’t cop dad’s wroth, was because I bore it all. I was the ‘scapegoat child’ – blamed for everything. I understand that people make mistakes, and I see them as human beings who make mistakes, but they will need to address this issue (they can’t avoid it), if they want me around. I’m not going to let this cycle continue, because it is toxic and unhealthy for me and for them as well. They don’t want to do this to their daughter. If they care and love me, as their words may say, they need to show it with actions.

 

The reality for me is that I don’t ever believe they’ll validate me. I don’t believe they ever will, because it’s easier for them to say stupid things like, “She just hates us”, “She’s into the devil” or “She never thought we were good enough for her.” Those are weak excuses and hardly believable at all. Everybody knows that for permanent estrangement to take place, there has to be so much more to the issue than this. The issue quite simply is physical and emotional abuse from my father, and inaction on the part of my mother to stop it from happening. I do not believe they will ever accept their actions towards me. I have already resigned myself to the fact that I won’t talk to them ever again because I have been told that abusers never validate their victims.

 

In my view, they won’t come around because confronting this issue is just going to be too painful for them. If this is the case for them (and I really believe it is), then I want them to send to me any childhood photographs they have of me (so I can share them with my family) and just get on with their lives. Also if this is the case, I want them to write me out of their wills and anything else like that. Please note that if they never contact me again and the relationship – as I expect it now is – is over for good, that in my mind I believe they are people who make mistakes. Let them know as well that the line they always said to me in anger: “I hope you have a child who is as difficult as you are” – I actually hope that I do get kids who are just like me – intelligent, strong-willed, independent, thinking, brilliant and great. Those are the characteristics of a truly great kid. Subservient and quiet…well that might fit well for a ministry family, but not for 99% of the population, of which I am one. I don’t want a gullible kid who just believes everything.

 

You can show them this, but it’s going to hurt them reading it. Not hurt them in the sense that I’m just saying this to make them feel bad. Coming to terms with what they did – or in Mum’s case did not do – is going to be hard for them. They need to do this though if they want to ever see or speak to me again. If they do not, like I said, they are going to have to get on with their lives and do as I did – get help to come to terms with the possibility that there won’t be a relationship. I will not harbour any hate towards them, because I will not think of them. I won’t think of them until they validate me and apologise. This will hurt them, but really, they have no idea about how hurt I have been as a direct result of their action and inaction. I no longer fear the consequences of disclosing my true feelings now, because I know that I cannot control the actions and reactions of others. If they choose to be irrationally emotional and stupid as a result of reading and discovering this, that is their choice entirely.

 

I respect your choice as well if you don’t want to speak to me from now on. You will need to come to terms with this as well in order for any relationship with me to be healthy. It was hard enough talking to you today and having you say to me, “I don’t want to hear it” and “You know what my opinions on the matter are.” That’s invalidation, and it hurts me too much. Personally I’d like to be in touch with you, but I don’t like being told to be quiet and shoosh. I’m your sister – I’m not some common criminal you’re likely to encounter on the street. A little courtesy would go a long way. I am happy to speak to you, but it will take a lot longer for me to get to the point of talking to my parents again – even if they do seek to reconcile with me by acknowledging the real truth and apologizing to me.

 

Cheers and thanks for your call today,

 

Amelia

 

P.S. The email outlining my story is below (I included an old email). Feel free to share it with my parents if they really are serious about repairing things with me. I’m going to need to see positive action on their part in order for this situation to change. They can write to me or email me as I said earlier to make contact with me. I don’t want any presents at all or cards for Christmas or birthdays until they resolve this issue with me in the way I suggested above. I know that I proved a handful growing up, but that’s healthy development. It’s called human development and it’s part and parcel of having an intelligent kid. They can read this, and I also have other things I have written that go into a lot more detail about my feelings if they care to understand me.

 

Here is the old email I wrote in December 2005, which I attached for my brother tonight to show my parents:

 

Hi,

 

I understand you are all most likely distressed at my inability to make personal contact over the telephone and certainly in person, and I do not like to think about that. Please know that I can’t make contact in these ways.

 

I know it is possible that everybody may be at a loss as to why, but you probably wouldn’t have much difficulty projecting your memory back to a very emotional phone call I had with you either early this year or the latter half of 2003. I was talking to you at length about a number of things and was crying all the way through the phone call.

 

 

It is the fact that I was smacked around until I left home that I am unable to make contact now. You have absolutely no idea how this has made me feel. Even though everybody claims that it was in my best interests because I swore a lot, it doesn’t matter. I was made to feel like dirt from the age of 11 right through to when I left home. The “I love you but don’t like you” comments from dad and the, “Don’t even think about getting too close to your mother because she is MY wife before she is YOUR MOTHER!” comments from dad always come back to impact upon me. It can’t be denied either!! I am regaining my self-respect after so many years now. I cannot have a relationship with my parents until they come to the realisation of what happened, the great impact it has had on me and still has in the form of cyclical depression. Put simply I will not be making contact again via phone or in person, or answering the phone (I won’t pick up for you guys or the Keats grandparents after the hurtful message my grandfather left on my phone – and nobody can leave messages anymore because Voice Mail has been cancelled). I will not be accepting phone or in-person contact until I have been validated. I truly believe I will never be, because their attitude is simply ‘get over it’.

 

Well I wish I could!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I can’t.

 

It’s a shame it has come to this, but you have to understand I cannot make contact or take phone calls or see any of them in person. It’s like if somebody beat the shit out of you, and you loved that person, and then whenever you felt upset thinking about that horrible thing, they say, “Shut up and get over it”. They’ve been saying this to me for years now and you guys have no idea what that does to me.

 

It is a reality as well that none of you even know me! The ‘me’ you knew was the me that was suppressed by dad’s controlling ways. How could I go against that, when we had hell to pay whenever dad’s ministry was challenged by any of us under his roof??? Put simply I didn’t belong! I don’t feel sad either.

 

I don’t hate anybody. I wish everybody well. And whatever you do, make sure none of them phone. I don’t take their calls and they can’t leave messages.

 

Oh, message for dad: kids have rights!! Parents can be wrong.

 

Take care,

Amelia

 

---

It'll be interesting to see what reaction I get! I'll keep you posted.

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Guest halwes]

Amelia, yours is not the first case of toxic parents having some children who remain "loyal", while others (like yourself) break shackles and move on.

 

Some practical things:

 

1) Be sure nobody can call and monopolize your time, as if you are their servant.

 

2) IMPORTANT : Check your finances. This is personal but -- do you have a good Will drawn up by a lawyer? I do.

 

Make DAMN SURE that certain family members are excluded.

 

Not one cent goes to anybody you cut out of your Will. (be assured, nasty relatives always creep out of the woodwork).

 

Having a Will gives great peace of mind no matter how youthful or old.

 

3) Speak out about your parents. They are not the first Fundamentalists to emotionally "butcher" their kids.

 

We have a nutty Fundamentalist preacher in USA (Rev. Fred Phelps of Topeka, Kansas).

 

www.godhatesfags.org

 

Rev. Phelps (a former boxer) was a wife-beater who laughed: "A good left hook makes for a right fine wife."

 

Phelps beat his 13 children with a heavy stick. He made his kids sell candy for him on cold nights. If they failed to bring home money, he whipped them. Phelps did extremely nasty things to family and neighbors, yet never went to jail because everyone was too intimidated by him.

 

henry_westin@hotmail.com

[Amelia]

Hey Henry,

 

Thanks for your supportive response.

 

Yeah...I'm really upset actually at the whole issue. Really, really upset.

 

My family just don't give a shit about how I feel. They're not even interested. Now they just shut me down every time.

 

Fuck them. I wish I had a biological family that actually loved me and was proud of me. Fuck fundamentalism. Fuck it all!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Amelia

[Guest halwes]

Amelia, I honor you for having the courage to break with a destructive family. Hopefully you will have a successful life with your new family and your business. You can achieve great things.

[CyborgX]

I won't sit down right now and relive the stuff my father told me (but it was on the same order). He was also a RC and a messed up mental case. But had power because he was a *man*.

 

I think I avoided some of the s--- because I was really raised a boy from birth and am (hope nobody minds) really male even though I have a female body. I spent time in the garage with my dad fixing my pickup truck which was a mess to work with. I learned how to repair cars. I didn't spend too much time with my mother. My mother had brain cancer and I never knew it until she was dying of it nearly 30 years later. She never even told my dad until then. That then made sense why she was going off like a mental case. I can understand and forget what she done. My dad? I think he was just an abused, mentally ill grunt. I hope I don't get that illness or that it doesn't run in the family. So far, I guess so good.

 

Some of the sayings I remember off hand weren't really religious but:

 

"DON'T take those stickers off the window! I want the cops to see those when they walk up the sidewalk when I call them for something!" (My dad telling my mother not to remove the stickers they got from donating money to the local police. There were like 5 - 7 of them and mom got sick of them all over the front window!")

 

"You wouldn't take care of me so I had to marry your step mother!" (Dad getting upset because my step-mom rightfully insisted on cleanliness and not griminess in her house she had aquired after her first husband passed on. I was in my late 28s and severely ill with a disabling disease which I still am coping with today, and barely at the time able to even care for myself in the house I rented and grew up in while he lived with my step mom).

 

"Fathers are supposed to 'play' with their daughters. When you're ready let me know. If you ever tell anyone I'll take a gun and shoot you. You understand?" (My dad trying to get at molesting me when I was around 13/14 or maybe 15/16, I forgot. He was saying this while we were in his truck driving I forgot where. Of course I never let him do a thing!)

 

"You get up and feed that cat at 10am EVERY MORNING! That cat is STARVING that's why it's meowing! That cat is all I have! I can't have you just doing whatever you want!" (My dad after our cat that was still living with me after he moved in with my step mom after their marriage. I had just FED the cat, she ate it all, and then she heard him in the hall way and was meowing to get his attention. Later my step mother says after I moved my dad wanted to take the cat to the human society and have it destroyed because he knew he was dying of cancer and didn't want the cat around anymore).

 

"Have you considered going to a psychiatrist?" (Police officer telling ME to see a shrink after my dad told me to get out of the house, with no place to go, and telling me I had 6 months, then less than a month later I was given a eviction notice via US Marshall to leave the house! Disabled, nobody to help as he talked bad about me to everyone, etc.) Ok, we know where the money is going. Luckily I think those cops aren't on the force anymore. This was YEARS ago. Since then, to the credit of the local police dept. They have been very nice when I needed help when I was living in the horrible place I was after I had to move.

 

"There is no law saying you have to live." (A lawyer I called trying to find legal help due to my dad trying to evict me.)

 

"That's a shame." (A priest after giving my mother her last rights and asking me if I was Catholic and I said "no". Well, I learned that this year that same priest was in court on child-molestation charges. NOW who's the shame? HUH?!!)

 

Oh there's more. More pain that is. MUCH more. But who cared? Nobody when I really needed help and my life was in danger. Nope. I had to help myself.

 

I'm surprised but I made it. I'm here now. In a nice place, a good job, good friends. At least for now and I hope it continues to be a good life or at least a LOT easier than it used to be.

 

Religion leads to child abuse. At least for me. I was the house slave. I had to clean up after my mother cooked (and brought out every pot in the house for my dad's need of a full-course meat-and-potatoes meal each night), clean up after my parents, do the vacuuming, dusting. Mom did the laundry then I did my own. Then after mom died, I felt compelled to become housekeeper even though I was very much in NO condition to even do so. Hell, *I* needed a home nurse back then but had none. I wouldn't have minded doing all that, if my parents were kind and considerate to me. But who wants to help out a 'family' who just wants to use you as servant-meat? Screw that!

 

Too bad I have a disability.

[BlueGiant]

I would also like to throw in for the "parental" boot party. Could we knock some sense into your brother as well while we are at it.

 

May their whole world collapse one day. And let that day be a lonely one.

 

Good luck cutting ties to them and if you need any support I and I am sure others here will be happy to do what we can (however little it can be over a message board).

[Amelia]

Thanks guys for your support.

 

Maybe you can help me to understand why they'd rather blame me all the time? If they just validated me, I could be in touch with them. But they won't.

 

I don't get it.

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[godlessgrrl]

Maybe you can help me to understand why they'd rather blame me all the time?

 

Abusive people blame their victims for the abuse because it makes it easy for them to keep getting away with it.

 

Blaming the victim provides a "justification" for abusing someone, and places responsibility for the abuse onto the victim. The mindset becomes one of "if you weren't such a horrible person, I wouldn't have to treat you this way; but since you are, I have no alternative."

 

It's not a conscious mindset in most abusers, but it's present nonetheless. Ultimately the whole thing is all about power and control, has everything to do with the neuroses of the abuser, and nothing to do with the "deserving" of the victim. (Note that even though it might be unconscious, a lot of abusers do indeed know that they're doing something wrong - many will not behave in public the way they do in private.)

 

Sadly, you will likely never receive validation from your family. It has nothing to do with you and it isn't your fault. To validate you would be to admit that they're wrong. I've never met an abusive person who could handle the idea that they might be wrong about anything, least of all how they treat other people.

 

The way they behave serves them somehow and they have no real reason to want to change it, since having control is the most important thing to an abuser - more important than love, or family, or friends, or anything else. Since you refuse to be controlled, the only thing they can do is cut you out of their life and continue to vilify you so they can remain safely entrenched in their denial, and feel like they're in control.

 

That's my understanding of it all, as a layperson and as an abuse survivor.

[Guest dot_is_cute]

Sadly, you will likely never receive validation from your family. It has nothing to do with you and it isn't your fault. To validate you would be to admit that they're wrong.

 

I agree with gwenmead - that is my experience too. They will never validate you because to do so would mean that they would have to face some pretty horrible truths about themselves. It's very unlikely they will do that and even if they do - it could take a lifetime.

Perhaps this may not be the best advice but I will give it anyway and you can discard it if you don't like it: I would say you lost your parents a long time ago. You should grieve for them as if you are an orphan. Essentially they are gone. What you do have are some people you are biologically related to who you may be able to have some sort of relationship with, but it has to be on your terms - it will never be THAT close - and if there is any abuse that continues then you should not have anything to do with them.

Please weigh this up against your own situation. Perhaps it is not suitable for everyone in the same situation to do - but it worked for me.

[Rosa Mystica]

Amelia,

 

Feel free to add me to the list of those who would like to kick your father's ass. And after we're finished with him, we can do the same to my father. For I was also a child of abuse.

 

I was raised by a staunchly Catholic father. He is so strict that he feels it's right to insult anyone who does not believe like he does. Growing up, I was smacked around with a belt quite often. I was also insulted and sworn at. And socially isolated, too- never was I allowed to have friends over until I was sixteen (and it wasn't to be a regular thing, they made clear). My father has told me that I'm "making up stories" whenever I accuse him of the abuse. He told me that I was a bum b/c I have only one university degree, and didn't go for a second one like my sister did. He also said I could never support myself financially when I moved out. Like you, I have become estranged from him (have not spoken to immediate family members for almost four months now).

 

What counts, Amelia, is that you were able to rise above the bullshit. That is a challenging feat to accomplish, and is to be commended. And if you ever need to talk, my pm box is always open to you.

 

Keep up the good work!

 

Rosa

[-Demona-]

Amelia and Rosa, you know I feel your pain. Add my stepfather to the list of parental units that deserve to be beaten. He was abusive too. He was also a lay minister/former Catholic deacon.

 

Commentary I got from my stepfather:

 

"Cut the crying act!" -- Whenever I was upset enough about something to cry, he'd make it sound like I was shedding crocodile tears rather than comfort me.

 

"What I say about you is one thing, how I feel about you is another." -- His excuse for his shitty attitude towards me, in other words "I'm treating you badly because I love you."

 

I can't remember anything else offhand, but I'm sure it will come to me.

[Amelia]

Abusive people blame their victims for the abuse because it makes it easy for them to keep getting away with it.

 

Blaming the victim provides a "justification" for abusing someone, and places responsibility for the abuse onto the victim. The mindset becomes one of "if you weren't such a horrible person, I wouldn't have to treat you this way; but since you are, I have no alternative."

 

It's not a conscious mindset in most abusers, but it's present nonetheless. Ultimately the whole thing is all about power and control, has everything to do with the neuroses of the abuser, and nothing to do with the "deserving" of the victim. (Note that even though it might be unconscious, a lot of abusers do indeed know that they're doing something wrong - many will not behave in public the way they do in private.)

 

Sadly, you will likely never receive validation from your family. It has nothing to do with you and it isn't your fault. To validate you would be to admit that they're wrong. I've never met an abusive person who could handle the idea that they might be wrong about anything, least of all how they treat other people.

 

The way they behave serves them somehow and they have no real reason to want to change it, since having control is the most important thing to an abuser - more important than love, or family, or friends, or anything else. Since you refuse to be controlled, the only thing they can do is cut you out of their life and continue to vilify you so they can remain safely entrenched in their denial, and feel like they're in control.

 

That's my understanding of it all, as a layperson and as an abuse survivor.

 

Hey Gwen!

 

Thanks very much for your message. I actually agree with everything you say in it, and resigned myself to the reality that I probably won't ever receive validation from my parents.

 

I really appreciate your input on this, and hope you're doing okay too, seeing as you have survived abuse yourself.

 

Cheers,

Amelia

 

 

I agree with gwenmead - that is my experience too. They will never validate you because to do so would mean that they would have to face some pretty horrible truths about themselves. It's very unlikely they will do that and even if they do - it could take a lifetime.

Perhaps this may not be the best advice but I will give it anyway and you can discard it if you don't like it: I would say you lost your parents a long time ago. You should grieve for them as if you are an orphan. Essentially they are gone. What you do have are some people you are biologically related to who you may be able to have some sort of relationship with, but it has to be on your terms - it will never be THAT close - and if there is any abuse that continues then you should not have anything to do with them.

Please weigh this up against your own situation. Perhaps it is not suitable for everyone in the same situation to do - but it worked for me.

 

Hi Dot,

 

I completely agree with you! I did lose my parents a long time ago. I've resigned myself to that fact and got into psychotherapy so I could talk it all through. It helped as well. I did that for about six months or so, and I recommend it to anybody who is struggling with unpleasant truths like family estrangement and abuse.

 

Not being in touch is the right thing for me too. I hope you're going okay as well, since I understand the familiy estrangement experience well.

 

Thanks so much and talk soon,

Amelia

 

Amelia,

 

Feel free to add me to the list of those who would like to kick your father's ass. And after we're finished with him, we can do the same to my father. For I was also a child of abuse.

 

I was raised by a staunchly Catholic father. He is so strict that he feels it's right to insult anyone who does not believe like he does. Growing up, I was smacked around with a belt quite often. I was also insulted and sworn at. And socially isolated, too- never was I allowed to have friends over until I was sixteen (and it wasn't to be a regular thing, they made clear). My father has told me that I'm "making up stories" whenever I accuse him of the abuse. He told me that I was a bum b/c I have only one university degree, and didn't go for a second one like my sister did. He also said I could never support myself financially when I moved out. Like you, I have become estranged from him (have not spoken to immediate family members for almost four months now).

 

What counts, Amelia, is that you were able to rise above the bullshit. That is a challenging feat to accomplish, and is to be commended. And if you ever need to talk, my pm box is always open to you.

 

Keep up the good work!

 

Rosa

 

Hi Rosa,

 

Thanks very much for your message and for sharing your story as well. I'm sorry that you had a similar sort of experience that I have. Wow, it's unbelievable actually! I guess a difference with my situation was that I was actually the first in my family to go to year 12 and get a degree, but my parents resented me for it. They would say things that indicated it, e.g. "You think you're better than us" blah, blah. Then they'd say, "You'd make a good secretary" after I finished uni with an academic score of 97/100. Nice!!

 

Your family didn't appreciate you, but it all boils down to you appreciating you ultimately. I got beyond all the negativity I got not just from my parents, but my relatives as well (comments like, "Your degree will get you nowhere", etc) and now I'm successful. It's a good way to rub it in - living a good life!

 

I hope you're handling the estrangement with family okay. By all means PM me as well if you struggle at times, or just want to chat.

 

Thanks so much for sharing and I hope to talk to you soon!

Amelia

 

Amelia and Rosa, you know I feel your pain. Add my stepfather to the list of parental units that deserve to be beaten. He was abusive too. He was also a lay minister/former Catholic deacon.

 

Commentary I got from my stepfather:

 

"Cut the crying act!" -- Whenever I was upset enough about something to cry, he'd make it sound like I was shedding crocodile tears rather than comfort me.

 

"What I say about you is one thing, how I feel about you is another." -- His excuse for his shitty attitude towards me, in other words "I'm treating you badly because I love you."

 

I can't remember anything else offhand, but I'm sure it will come to me.

 

Hey There,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your experience as well. Those comments remind me of things my father would say to me.

 

I cried when a friend suicided and my father yelled at me to stop because my friend "sent himself to hell". It's terrible isn't it? It's their problem ultimately though because they lack all compassion and are so closed minded, they're out of touch with reality.

 

I never got comfort either, but apparently I'm one of the most compassionate people around. I hope you're coping with everything okay. Are you still in touch with your family?

 

Talk soon,

Amelia

[The Sage Nabooru]

My father is a pretty stauch atheist, but my mother raised me religiously. She was much more tender than he was with me, but my dad used my religious upbringing to manipulate me, even though he didn't believe a word of it.

 

He at all times had to have complete control over the family. He considered himself a better human being, and we were his miserable underlings. The only purpose we served was to enhance his own life. If we did not then we were useless and bothersome.

 

If I did not say "How high?" when my father told me to jump, he would tell me that God would punish me for not obeying the Ten Commandments ("Honor thy father and mother"). He didn't believe in God but realized the usefulness of the dogma and used it to his advantage.

 

My brother was born with my mother's genes - that is, he allows himself to be trampled upon without much complaint. I was born with other genes, not my father's but perhaps a past life or something. When he told me to jump, I'd argue that it was pointless to do so. That sent him into a rage. His ideal vision of us was as his own little borg army, and I was THX-1138.

 

I was beaten, assaulted in the shower at the age of four, received verbal, emotional and psychological abuse every day.....A lot of people think that those last three aren't a big deal, and merely made-up whining by oversensitive people. I can tell you it is real. If my father was yelling so loudly it hurt my ears and sent an atom bomb through my self-esteem, I would plead with him to stop, but that only made him do it more, a half-hour more. He knew I was desperate at that point and that torturing me further and calling me more awful names would force me further into submission. I spent a total of two or three months in the mental hospital, spread out over a few years, just contemplating how completely and utterly stupid, worthless, sinful, hideously ugly, and terrible I was. His constant battering of words against me led me to bulimia after he constantly made fun of my appearance in front of his friends and privately for laughs, and to no less than four suicide attempts after I just got desperate to escape from the constant torrent of violence and pain. As a child asking for something at the mall one too many times resulted into being thrown to the floor and slapped all over. I was shaken, literally tossed into rooms, and lived in ever-present fear of the back of my father's hand. Knowing this, he threatened me constantly with it. He'd display that palm to me and I'd roll into a ball, back to the wall and sink to the floor covering my face.

 

Even his sense of humor was terrible. The only thing he found funny was the put-down and humiliation in front of others. I never had any really good friends growing up because I was so ashamed to just be walking around in front of people. Going along with his belief of us being his puppets, I was subjected to ridicule and horrifying jokes that made me cry. He hated when I cried although obviously I did it constantly. He always accused me of faking it. Imagine feeling like shit and having somebody dismissing you the same as always. If I protested anything he did or said - and as he was hateful, racist, sexist, etc. and I opposed his positions - I would simply be told to shut up and then be battered when I did not comply. I was not the kind of person, and still am not, that is willing to sit there quietly while someone else gloats on their own amplified ego, cuts others down, and pretends to know everything when they really know absolutely nothing at all. Despite all the pain it caused me I'm still not regretful of that trait.

 

My mother just stood there. All the time. He'd beaten her into silence, as had her own mother before him, and while she comforted me afterward she never dared to stop him in anything he did. I think she did have a religious idea that he was the man and should be hindered in nothing, and mostly that it was all-important to retain the holy sanctity of Family than live in peace in the dreaded "broken home". Even if that Family consisted of screaming children watching their insane enraged father beat animals and break up furniture in a fit of anger.

 

Above all my mother has always believed in the overwhelmingly stupid power of Ignorance: If we pretend it is not there, the problem will solve itself. I was forced along with my brother to pretend that everything was fine at home and we were one big happy family that loved each other and never had a single argument in the world. Whenever any problem came up trying to discuss it with my mother to reach a solution was, and remains impossible. She simply refuses to speak of it. Since working towards a solution requires effort my mother was not at all interested and preferred to live in a make-believe world where everything was rose-tinted and nobody ever got hurt or needed a hug or was seriously in danger. When I gave up on her and reported my familial difficulties to counselors or teachers, it was my mother who stepped in and told them I was making it all up. Again, we must not rock the boat. I never escaped from this hellhole even when I tried by appealing to others. My mother was too interested in her facade of happiness and in waiting for the demons to go away by ignoring them.

 

My father still wants to control us. He's losing steam as he ages. I am still stuck here because my father refuses to send me to college and I can't live decently on the miserable fucking minimum wage. I'm actually earning far above that but it only serves as proof of how incredibly rediculous the minimum wage is.

 

Like a lot of other people here I get the same reaction of "I don't know what you're talking about" when I bring up my miserable family's history with them. This is partly due to my mother's aforementioned world of denial and also due to both my parents' total, complete, all-encompassing inability to ever admit to making a mistake or doing something wrong.

[godlessgrrl]

<snip>.....A lot of people think that those last three aren't a big deal, and merely made-up whining by oversensitive people. I can tell you it is real.

 

You bet your ass it's real. That line from the nursery rhyme about "words will never hurt me" is a fucking load of crap. Words can and do hurt. Words have power and people know it. If words couldn't hurt anyone, then why bother to sue anyone for libel? Why bother with censorship?

 

It seems like every abusive parent is cut more or less from the same cloth, regardless of the tactics they use. I'm sorry you've been stuck with abusive parents too. Don't lose sight of the reality of who and what they are - that can provide you with a sliver of sanity while you're stuck with them, and provide a starting point when you can finally get the hell out and start to heal for the long term.

 

Hang in there. I hear you.

[SilentLoner]

Wow...I don't think the stuff my parental units fed me was nearly as bad as the stories I'm reading here, but it was hurtful for me nonetheless.

 

Its kind of hard for me to explain exactly what my upbringing was. Early in life there wasn't any overbearing religious influences, just the occasional chruch visit.

Then the family moved to central america, specifically the city of San Salvador in the country of El Salvador (translated its literally - San Salvador: Holy Savior, El Salvador: The Savior)

Catholic-owned country, baby.

 

Thanks in part to several hardcore catholic relatives there (grandma in particular) the female parental unit joined the catholic camp.

Long story short she made sure to put me into the after-school religion classes, saturday morning youth group, and sunday night church.

One notable occasion was in her favorite church, we were there toghether one sunday night (I was 8 or 9). I happened to yawn during the sermon, she grabbed my hand and intentionally dug her long fingernails right into the skin while hissing "THIS IS...THE HOUSE...OF GOD!"

 

Heh...looking back on it all I wonder how I managed to escape it all.

 

The male parental unit is a whole another story.

He left xtianity back in his college days, but unfortunately joined an equally damaging cult. He follows this indian guru called prem rhawat. How bad was it: he's got photos of the guru around the house, will drop everything to go see one of his presentations, and a huge video collection of his little speeches. He even brags about the time he got to kiss his guru's feet. Not kidding here.

I did some research not long ago and found a decent amount of dirt on the guy. Does the male parental unit care? No.

 

In the end now my parent's marriage ended over it and both of them are still mindlessly in their cults.