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Religion, Love And The Problems Of The Combination


Warrior_of_god
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I have found that through my last several relationships religion has been a negative factor. Its lead to arguments and several break-ups with otherwise very good women. In one case a relationship was not even thought of as our religious beliefs contradicted eachother, although we had the same feelings for eachother. I think that through all this I have ended up with a biased view of religion in general and especially n a relationship. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

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I have found that through my last several relationships religion has been a negative factor. Its lead to arguments and several break-ups with otherwise very good women. In one case a relationship was not even thought of as our religious beliefs contradicted eachother, although we had the same feelings for eachother. I think that through all this I have ended up with a biased view of religion in general and especially n a relationship. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

 

I would say, without more information about you, that you are at a place in your life where intelellectually defining your theology is more important to you than the love of a good woman.

 

Have you considered the Priesthood? (Just kidding.)

 

 

Rob

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I would say, without more information about you, that you are at a place in your life where intelellectually defining your theology is more important to you than the love of a good woman.

I would tend to agree, however, no matter how much I like being intellectual in relation to theology I dont know if I could a relationship that worked with a good woman. Its definately interfering...unfortunately it is not something i can give up easily. I think that its not just defining my theology but defending it as well.

 

What more about me would help in the understanding of this?

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I would say, without more information about you, that you are at a place in your life where intelellectually defining your theology is more important to you than the love of a good woman.

I would tend to agree, however, no matter how much I like being intellectual in relation to theology I dont know if I could a relationship that worked with a good woman. Its definately interfering...unfortunately it is not something i can give up easily. I think that its not just defining my theology but defending it as well.

 

What more about me would help in the understanding of this?

 

If your beliefs are a front-seat aspect of yourself, then you really need to find a good woman that is like-minded in that aspect. You shouldn't be in a position where you need to defend or hide your beliefs. The critical thinking part of hiding them is...should you have children, how flexible will you be if she doesn't want them indoctrinated to believe the things you do.

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If your beliefs are a front-seat aspect of yourself, then you really need to find a good woman that is like-minded in that aspect. You shouldn't be in a position where you need to defend or hide your beliefs.

They are a front-seat aspect of my life, i usually dont hide them if someone asks. Im not in a position where ive had to defend or hide my beliefs, its just that I usually do defend them regardless.

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Religion is one of those things that matters if we make it matter, and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that, especially in the context of a romantic relationship. If religion (or lack thereof) is a core issue for you, something that's a dealbreaker, that's fine. I'd only suggest that you be aware of it, which you seem to be; and be honest and upfront about it, which you also seem to be.

 

One of the first things I asked the current spouse was what his religious POV was. If he was a Xian of any kind, things would've ended at the first date. I just don't DO Xians, period. It hadn't been something that mattered so much before I dated him, but the last major relp I'd been in was the disastrous one with the lying fundy psycho shetbag who dumped me when I wouldn't convert. It's mattered a shitload since then, and probably always will.

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Religion was a sticking point in my last relationship as well.

 

I'm with you and Gwenmead. My atheism is not something I'm willing to back down from--if it were I wouldn't obstinately continue to fight my (extended) family over the issue. If I'm going to stand my ground in the face of the people genetics and society stuck me with, there's no way I'm going to capitulate in the face of a woman whom it's my choice to be with.

 

IMO, you can try to sugar-coat it and beat around the bush all you want, but the simple fact of the matter is religious beliefs (or lack thereof) are a significant part of (in)compatibility in relationships. I've known a few lax Catholics and dozens of "Sunday Mormons" who think nothing of foregoing the rules of the religion they claim association with, yet still balk when confronted by an unabashed atheist like myself (my ex-girlfriend from the above-mentioned relationship was exactly this). Most religious people will (at least subconsciously, possibly overtly) try to convert the other partner, feel ashamed of/guilty for their willing association with them, and/or one of them will finally just snap under the tension and strain that arises as a natural result of their incompatibility in that area.

 

Again, most liberal practitioners of the popular (western) religions have no problem with personally interpreting scripture or just ignoring wide swaths of doctrine arbitrarily, but they're still stuck with the mental deception that "unbeliever=baby eater."

 

That's why I don't even really consider trying to build a relationship with many of the girls I've met in college. Some may say I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I consider it time better spent looking for someone with whom I'm compatible enough to make a relationship feasible. I grew up among these people, I know how they think, and I know no matter how liberal they are in their belief the idea of dating an atheist will gnaw at them until something has to give and the relationship comes to a crashing, fiery end.

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I keep coming across this idea time and again that there is nothing--absolutely NOTHING--that people are as passionate about as religion. Religion is part and parcel of a person's very core values. Lack of religion is the same. Core values guide our very lives, our minute to minute decisions as we relate to other people in our immediate environment. The Christian motto about not bein unequally yoked is, I believe, one of the bits of wisdom that apply universally and probably does not have a Christian origin. It's just plain common sense folk wisdom.

 

Clergicide said:

 

The critical thinking part of hiding them is...should you have children, how flexible will you be if she doesn't want them indoctrinated to believe the things you do.

 

I think this is excellent advice. I know of too many families where one or the other of the married couple changed religious position (converted or deconverted) after marriage. This can cause very deep and perhaps insurmountable problems when it comes to child-rearing. One or the other parent is going to have to compromise. In extreme cases, a person can be alienated from spouse and children (as in divorce and losing custody) in exchange for being true to personal beliefs.

 

Perhaps if a couple entered marriage knowing they disagreed, they could address these issues before the kids come along. HOWEVER, I also know of too many cases where people thought they could compromise but when it actually comes right down to brass tacks they can't/won't do it. There is something so deeply embedded in the very fiber of who they are that they cannot give in for the sake of conscience.

 

This is why I believe it is unwise to knowingly enter a relationship with a person who differs with oneself on such important life issues. It can work. It can cause unprecidented heart-ache, sorrow, and confusion for the children that has impact for future generations.

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I agree with many of the posts here. I would like to think that religion or lack of shouldn't matter, but I have seen for myself first hand that it really does.

 

There are so many things that can come up in daily life that require like minds working together. If not, you're at a constant stalemate. Feelings get hurt, or you've got one person trying to control or change the mind of the other. :vent:

 

Child rearing, holidays, philosophies, heck even politics can be areas of contention.

 

I agree with the others here that it is very important to find out someone's core beliefs before getting involved. At the very least, if they don't match, you can always be friends with that person, but I would leave it at that.

 

It's hard enough for couples that have been together for years when one of them decides to change their views, why start out that way? :scratch:

 

Love should conquer all, but just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to "be" with them. A peaceful existence means so much to me that I couldn't imagine going round and round all the time with somebody.....just too stressful and too hard and it doesn't need to be.

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So, my suspisions were confirmed today by a woman in my dance class that the reason another girl I'd gone on a couple dates with just abruptly stopped calling/speaking to me is because I'm not Mormon. Really sucks, too; we both liked each other, had a lot of common interest and got along very well.

 

It's complicated to explain, but I don't hold it against her as I've been there before and know how it works (and, on a less savory note, why). Still, this only convinces me further that my original observation was correct.

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So, my suspisions were confirmed today by a woman in my dance class
Dance class? :Hmm:

Dance class? :scratch:

 

Dance class?!?!?! :lmao:

 

 

:HaHa:

 

I'll bet he has to beat women off with a belt.

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I'll bet he has to beat women off with a belt.
Knowing him, he spends more time beating himself off. :HaHa:

 

:jerkoff::jerkit: <--- Woody in the back of the room. :HaHa:

 

lol you clearly know him better than I. :lmao:

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I'll bet he has to beat women off with a belt.
Knowing him, he spends more time beating himself off. :HaHa:

 

:jerkoff::jerkit: <--- Woody in the back of the room. :HaHa:

lol you clearly know him better than I. :lmao:
Woody beats off so much, that MY wang gets friction burns from it. :HaHa:
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So, my suspisions were confirmed today by a woman in my dance class that the reason another girl I'd gone on a couple dates with just abruptly stopped calling/speaking to me is because I'm not Mormon. Really sucks, too; we both liked each other, had a lot of common interest and got along very well.

 

It's complicated to explain, but I don't hold it against her as I've been there before and know how it works (and, on a less savory note, why). Still, this only convinces me further that my original observation was correct.

 

On one hand, knowing that in the long run it would never work with your ideological difference, you're both better off. On the other, it's a damn shame that in short term it couldn't be worked around since things were going well otherwise. Unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot of experience with dating religious adherents, I live in one the least religious states in the union, as such it's never been an issue. ...and now you've got me curious to see how'd actually cross that bridge if I came to it.

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I'll bet he has to beat women off with a belt.
Knowing him, he spends more time beating himself off. :HaHa:

 

:jerkoff::jerkit: <--- Woody in the back of the room. :HaHa:

lol you clearly know him better than I. :lmao:
Woody beats off so much, that MY wang gets friction burns from it. :HaHa:

 

Dude, I've told you a hundred times now; if you'd just stop confusing the lube with the preparation H you wouldn't be having this problem. :nono:

 

:HaHa:

 

On one hand, knowing that in the long run it would never work with your ideological difference, you're both better off. On the other, it's a damn shame that in short term it couldn't be worked around since things were going well otherwise. Unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot of experience with dating religious adherents, I live in one the least religious states in the union, as such it's never been an issue. ...and now you've got me curious to see how'd actually cross that bridge if I came to it.

 

Yeah, I can see the good and bad in it. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with, of course, but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm just grateful I've met another girl who doesn't seem to have any such hang-ups (going out with her on Saturday :woohoo: ).

 

As I said above, I don't think that bridge can be crossed (for the vast majority of people). Regardless of how liberal they are in their cultural/superficial "belief," most people are still going to fall back on the values they were taught as a child--including those incorrectly demonizing anyone different.

 

Again repeating things said in this thread; it sucks, and it shouldn't have to be that way, but the fact of the matter is it is. IMO, denying that only delays and amplifies the inevitable end.

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