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Feeling Abandoned And Frightened


Llwellyn
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Christianity teaches that God responds to human evil with vengeance. :HappyCry:

 

Growing up, this always made me feel abandoned by God -- to think that the suffering I experience on earth was the fruit of God's curse of Adam and Eve. It also made me feel frightened about moving through my life and risking committing a sin -- believing that divine destructive retribution could precipitate upon me for doing things incorrectly. :Doh:

 

Consequently, I developed scrupulosity -- a kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder -- and a deep depression. :scratch:

 

Have any of you ever felt these ways because of Christianity? :phew:

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Christianity teaches that God responds to human evil with vengeance. :HappyCry:

 

Growing up, this always made me feel abandoned by God -- to think that the suffering I experience on earth was the fruit of God's curse of Adam and Eve. It also made me feel frightened about moving through my life and risking committing a sin -- believing that divine destructive retribution could precipitate upon me for doing things incorrectly. :Doh:

 

Consequently, I developed scrupulosity -- a kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder -- and a deep depression. :scratch:

 

Have any of you ever felt these ways because of Christianity? :phew:

 

It would probably not be possible for me to sort what came from a messed up family and what came from Christianity. And yeah, your post disturbs something deep inside of me that I want to just keep down there for now. Don't know what it is and have a notion it wouldn't help things any if I knew. I was terribly conscientious around the age of 13. I believed letting someone have a wrong impression of something I did or said could send me to hell if I died before I confessed. Yuck! That definitely is RELIGION.

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Christianity teaches that God responds to human evil with vengeance. :HappyCry:
That make it a jerk.
Growing up, this always made me feel abandoned by God -- to think that the suffering I experience on earth was the fruit of God's curse of Adam and Eve. It also made me feel frightened about moving through my life and risking committing a sin -- believing that divine destructive retribution could precipitate upon me for doing things incorrectly. :Doh:
The christian religion is only doing what it is designed to do. According to that religion you are a worthless, vile, piece of garbage, and that the only way you could ever hope to be a tiny bit better than that is through their religion.
Consequently, I developed scrupulosity -- a kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder -- and a deep depression. :scratch:

 

Have any of you ever felt these ways because of Christianity? :phew:

I can't say that I have since I've always been an Atheist, but I can understand how you would feel that way.
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Christianity teaches that God responds to human evil with vengeance. :HappyCry:

 

Growing up, this always made me feel abandoned by God -- to think that the suffering I experience on earth was the fruit of God's curse of Adam and Eve. It also made me feel frightened about moving through my life and risking committing a sin -- believing that divine destructive retribution could precipitate upon me for doing things incorrectly. :Doh:

 

Consequently, I developed scrupulosity -- a kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder -- and a deep depression. :scratch:

 

Have any of you ever felt these ways because of Christianity? :phew:

Well, Llwellyn, like Dave I'm an atheist, but unlike Dave, I'm an ex-christian. Let's try a little analysis.

First, what evil could you possibly have done that would kindle a god's vengeance against you? Have you done some horrible thing so far beyond human traits that you would attract such a god's attention, assuming such an entity existed to begin with? The short answer...no.

 

If you're feeling guilt, shame, and fear, as a result of being a christian, Congratulations. You are normal. That is what that whole malicious religion is built on. So tune your mind off of that and think positively for a minute. So you describe yourself as scrupulous. What is so bad about that? A scrupulous person is one who thinks before he acts. Is that so bad? Now...obsessive-compulsive...what are you obsessed about, and what compulsive acts are you undertaking to relieve you of the stress of your obsession? Are you washing your hands every 20 minutes or something because you're feeling guilty? You have nothing to feel guilty about...you're a person with SCRUPLES, and that is POSITIVE, not negative. Depression is a feeling of worthlessness. How, being scrupulous, can you justify feeling worthless about yourself? On that basis I would suggest you can't. Being a scrupulous person, which is how you describe yourself, implies that you have morals and principles. That sounds like a pretty good person to me, certainly not worthy of the vengeance of any god. True, or not true?

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I can sympathize. After my deconversion, I still thought I was "evil" because I wasn't living up to Xian edicts, and at that time I still hadn't programmed myself out of the Xian programming I had received over the years.

 

My ex has OCD, and she took her Xianity even more seriously than I did. It led her to be ultra-scrupulous and didn't help her OCD. It was eye-opening to me to see just what the desperate desire to be "perfect" for Jebus can do to a person, and really fueled my eventual deconversion.

 

Yeah, the world would be better off if everyone were a fundy Xian. Yeah, there'd be no violence - because everyone would be turned into an obsessive-compulsive neurotic for Jebus :Wendywhatever:

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Christianity teaches that God responds to human evil with vengeance.

 

Growing up, this always made me feel abandoned by God -- to think that the suffering I experience on earth was the fruit of God's curse of Adam and Eve. It also made me feel frightened about moving through my life and risking committing a sin -- believing that divine destructive retribution could precipitate upon me for doing things incorrectly.

 

Consequently, I developed scrupulosity -- a kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder -- and a deep depression.

 

Have any of you ever felt these ways because of Christianity?

 

I'd say: absoFUCKINGlutely.

 

I never developed any particularly compulsive behaviors, but I've had problems with major depression for decades, and issues with moderate anxiety. The causes are multiple and varied, and I think they ultimately stem from living with a perfectionist mother. Christianity played a supporting role during my teens; from that point on I wasn't just offending my mother with my humanity, I was also offending God - and while my mom could certainly make my life a living hell, God had the capacity to make my afterlife hell, for all eternity.

 

I definitely felt abandoned by God. I went through a period of time where I was sure that everybody on the planet could qualify for God's forgiveness except me - like I was the only person on the planet that God wouldn't take.

 

Interestingly enough, when I started to realize the truth about a lot of things that happened to me in my life - things that people did to me - I understood that God actually did abandon me, and that pissed me off no end. Understanding that was probably a big part of why I eventually deconverted, probably because it led to my questioning the benevolence of a deity that would allow evil to happen to little children, and it sparked an anger that gave me permission to actually ask all the hard questions.

 

But yeah, for awhile there I was utterly terrified and constantly anxious about whether or not God loved me. I think it exacerbated an already deep-seated depression. So it was just a mindfuck all around.

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Actually, Christianity made me feel frustrated. I truly believed, prayed, served at church, studied the Bible, gave my money away...and still did not feel the "peace that passeth understanding". I still did not see progress over so-called "sin" in myself or in the lives of fellow Christians. I didn't see any change in the world about me, whether for the good (as in Jesus and Christians making a difference and having a positive influence) or for the worse (as in evil spreading so much that it was clear the end was any closer than the centuries before). I examined Christian teachings and traditions to try to find out if I was missing anything. It tooks years before I realized that what I was missing was that it's all bunkum, and I ditched it. Frustration relieved!

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It wasn't until my early teens I started to feel a deep sadness as if gawd had abandoned me. I remember crying and screaming at times "Gawd why don't you love me?! Jeebus why don't you love me?!" For a long time when I got down I would just cry and wail my heart out to a god that didn't care (and now I know doesn't exist) and I felt like an abandoned child. It was like no matter how hard I tried to be good and how hard I prayed gawd wasn't listening to me. I figured out that when everyone else would get all the goodies and here I am getting shit he must hate me. My family didn't take this lightly, and would start praying when i would cry like this that satan would leave my heart as they thought it was the devil telling me that gawd hated me. Sometimes the praying would get so much my dog would run into the room and bark at me, and my mother would take it as the dog knew a demon was around and lying to me. Once it got so bad when I was seventeen that I wanted to kill myself as I felt so sad and abandoned as I had prayed to gawd that week to make my family rich ( we were having some bad financial problems then) and I never got an answer. I called my xtian shrink that time and the fucking asshole stuck me in a psych ward for ten days where I was abused physically, verbally, and mentally.

 

I'm just a newbie to athiesm but I still get those feelings of sadness once in a while. Strangely this summer those old feelings came back as I found out that one of my fundy cousins were getting married. Some of my abandoned feelings when I was younger would come up as it seemed as gawd had "favored" my cousins over me and have given me the shitty end of the stick. For some reason I felt so depressed as it seemed so hopeless that I will ever get married and I had just burst out crying to a friend "Gawd if he exist, must hate me! Why do I have to be so lonely!" and she was sweet enough ( though she's xtian) to sit and listen to me. She didn't try to exorcise me of demons or pray over me she just listened.

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Growing up, this always made me feel abandoned by God -- to think that the suffering I experience on earth was the fruit of God's curse of Adam and Eve. It also made me feel frightened about moving through my life and risking committing a sin -- believing that divine destructive retribution could precipitate upon me for doing things incorrectly. :Doh:

Now that i've been out of Christianity for awhile, when I look back I think I was what I would call a Christian nihilist, if there is such a thing. I believed in the god of the Bible and Jesus, but at the same time Christianity still seemed very hopeless to me and left me riddled with doubt and uncertainty. I guess today I am now just a plain ol' nihilist. :grin:

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Hamster,

 

I don't think that you are so naughty. I think that on some levels, we could have passed each other in our youth and looked each other in the eye, but we couldn't have done anything about it.

 

Our stories aren't the same, but your post really got to me.

 

I remember one of my best freinds way back when, went to a 'Christian' marriage councelor with his wife, and the wife ended up 'doing' it with the councelor.

 

I also understand the feelings of sadness. Let me say this Naughty H, I take a lot of Zoloft, and I still feel sad. Maybe I need more drugs, or maybe I need a new point of view. I came from a place where 'demons' were all over me like a cheap suit. What nonsense.

 

No one has passed you by. Not God, not 'Love' not romance. I know loneliness. Have you ever heard the song 'Sometimes I thank God for Unanswered Prayer'? One, I didn't believe in God anymore when I first heard it. Two, I felt that the song was a cheap attempt to sell records to sad people. Three, I came to understand that God or no God, a song is just a song. I remember so many of my friends that got married young, and how lonely I felt not having anybody like they did. Now, they are all divorced and remarried, and still lonesome.

 

Hang in there Hamster, Naughty or not. I can't say if it will get better or not, but life will come into focus, however slowly, and there really is so much to live for.

 

Duder

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Christianity teaches that God responds to human evil with vengeance. :HappyCry:

 

Growing up, this always made me feel abandoned by God -- to think that the suffering I experience on earth was the fruit of God's curse of Adam and Eve. It also made me feel frightened about moving through my life and risking committing a sin -- believing that divine destructive retribution could precipitate upon me for doing things incorrectly. :Doh:

 

Consequently, I developed scrupulosity -- a kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder -- and a deep depression. :scratch:

 

Have any of you ever felt these ways because of Christianity? :phew:

 

Well, I can say I had a similar self-delusion. I am 30 years old now and my wife has always suspected I am autistic. I never had thought about it, but it would explain a lot of my strange behavior in my life. There are variety of degrees of this affliction, which oftentimes can be undetected, since many with it can be highly functioning. Anytime you have an emotional problem, adding religion NEVER helps in most cases. I was an ultra-sensitive and trusting child and accepting Jesus seemed okay since he was a "loving savior". But as I began reading the bible and talking with more fundies, it seemed that the motif of Jesus I was told about as a child was nothing like the one found in the bible or the one I heard on the pulpit.

 

I did feel lonely even though I had so much faith in the biblegod. Even though I was living a good christian life, I still felt like I was going to hell. I felt trapped like there was no way I would not go to hell. Then, it began to dawn on me that if I'm going to go to hell anyway, I might as well get my money's worth and so I began to despise God for a bit and act pretty bad. Then I "rededicated" my life to Jesus for a few years until ultimately leaving the faith early this year.

 

Ultimately, rational thinking will have to overcome childhood fears. What is so odd is that I know hell is baloney and there is no god. Yet, some days I still resort to that fear. I can imagine it is much like a holocaust survivor reliving that experience and although there is no danger to them, they still feel like there is. But what is worse is that with religious ideas, it is something YOU create as your own version of heaven/hell/god. Therefore, you ultimately become your own worst critic and own worst enemy (since you think god is thinking these bad things about you, but it is only in your head).

 

Whenever that fear starts to take over my mind, I remind myself, that if God is benevolent, then why should I fear hell or judgment day? If God is going to send me to hell or punish me for being a human being who tries to live a good life, then it is an evil god and doesn't deserve to be worshipped. I know I keep repeating myself about the biblegod and the holocaust, but they are not so different. If you were to ask a person "If you lived in nazi Germany and they told you to either join the nazi party or go to the concentration camps, what would you do?" Most people (including christians) I asked that said they would not join the nazi party and would rather go to the camps and die than to give up their scruples. I thought that is interesting since the christian idea is pretty much the same thing. It is because of everything that makes me a decent, moral, sentient, compassionate human being that makes me reject the idea of any god who would eternally torture a person for simply not believing a ridiculous story with no evidence to support it. Just as you would feel moral for not joining the nazi party and be willing to suffer the consequences of their evil treatment of you, so I do the same with the biblegod and his jerkoff son Jesus. Even if they were somehow real, no decent person would worship them for the very same reason no decent person would join the nazi party.

 

Just remember this..."Our Fuhrer who art in heaven...."

 

Thanks, Matt

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This is a good place for another link to this music video.

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Christianity teaches that God responds to human evil with vengeance. :HappyCry:

 

Growing up, this always made me feel abandoned by God -- to think that the suffering I experience on earth was the fruit of God's curse of Adam and Eve. It also made me feel frightened about moving through my life and risking committing a sin -- believing that divine destructive retribution could precipitate upon me for doing things incorrectly. :Doh:

 

Consequently, I developed scrupulosity -- a kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder -- and a deep depression. :scratch:

 

Have any of you ever felt these ways because of Christianity? :phew:

 

I suffered OCD for many years thanks to Christianity- most notably, the poisonous Catholic variant. I talk about my experience here:

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?showtopic=11231

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