Gods A Funny Guy

[Wertbag]

Bible God is full of candid camera tricks on his followers, I can just imagine Jesus, Krishna, Allah and Zeus sitting around the bar swapping stories:

JC "This one time I made Moses hold his arms up for an entire day to win a war. Didn't give him a reason, just said if you do it you'll win. He almost dropped his arms a couple of times but got some mates to hold them up and lasted the day. I tell you these humans are a riot!"

 

Z "Tell them the one about Job, thats a kicker!"

 

JC "Me and my mate Satan had a laugh at this poor saps expense, we did everything to him, killed his family, killed his pets, gave him boils, the works, but this glossy eyed fundy just wouldn't crack."

 

K "I'm always amazed at what these humans will believe. I've tried making my stories crazier, but they just keep on believing. I've tried 6 arms, blue skin, even a friggn elephants head, but nothing shakes 'em"

 

Al "I just tried it with one guy, Mo. He started off a peace loving hippy, but I kept tweeking his paranoia until he snapped. You should read the book he wrote, starts of "love this" and "peace that" then degenerates into kill everything, that guy was nuts"

 

JC "I made one guy, Saul, strip naked before I'd talk to him. Isaiah I made stay naked for years without reason and Ezekiel had to lie on his side for ages. Didn't bother to tell them why, just demanded it and they blindly did it. What a hoot!"

 

Al "Hey did you ever know that I was the cause of that guy Sampson's killing rampages?"

 

JC "That was you?"

 

Al "Yeah I found this massive guy, completely psychotic, and gave him massive adrenaline shots. He just flipped out and started killing everything in sight. Just went to far with him, one boost too many and he started head banging a friggn support beam, brought the whole place down on top of himself. Pity, I could have got some great milage out of that guy"

 

JC "I think my best joke was finding this absolute loony and getting this screwed up thoughts written down as my "revelation". He came out with the most bizarre gibberish you've ever heard, and I told them it was prophesy and they must pay heed. They've been studying that garbage for centuries trying to figure out what the hell it all means, and strangely enough they've managed to come up with entire stories based on the insane ramblings. Humans eh? Hell of a good laugh to pass the eons!"

[Jun]

[Clergicide]

I just read something in "Small Gods" by Terry Pratchett that this reminds me of.

 

"Who told him I was omnipotent?"

 

"You did."

 

"No I didn't."

 

"Well, he said you did."

 

"Don't even remember anyone called Ossory."

 

"You spoke to him in the desert," said Brutha. "You must remember. He was eight feet tall? With a very long beard? And a huge staff? And the glow holy horns shining out of his head?" He hesitated. But he'd seen the statues and holy icons. They couldn't be wrong.

 

"Never met anyone like that," said the small god Om.

 

"Maybe he was a bit shorter," Brutha conceded.

 

"Ossory. Ossory," said Om. "No...no...can't say I--"

 

"He said you spoke unto him from out of a pillar of flame," said Bruth.

 

"Oh, that Ossory," said Om. "Pillar of flame. Yes."

 

"And you dictated to him the Book of Ossory," said Brutha. "Which contains the Directions, the Gateways, the Abjurations, and the Precepts. One hundred and nintey-three chapters."

 

"I don't think I did all that," said Om doubtfully. "I'm sure I would have remembered one hundred and nintey-three chapters."

 

"What did you say to him, then?"

 

"As far as I can remember it was 'Hey, see what I can do!' " said Om.