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10 Verses Never Preached In Church


Poonis
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From http://www.churchhopping.com/ten-verses-never-preached-on/ :

 

2 Kings 2:23-24 NKJV

 

Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

 

Comments: George Costanza combined with the wrath of God.

 

9. Mark 14:51-52 NASB

 

A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked.

 

Comments: Possibly the first streaker in history.

 

8. Deuteronomy 23:1 ESV

 

No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

 

Comments: We can’t just be letting anyone in. We have to draw the line somewhere.

 

7. Genesis 38:8-10 NASB

 

Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

 

Comments: Not only do you have to carry the body out, but you have to mop the floor too.

 

6. 1 Samuel 18:25-27 ESV

 

Then Saul said, “Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’” Now Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son-in-law. Before the time had expired, David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

 

Comments: How do you present a gift like that? Do you tie a bow on the box?

 

5. Exodus 4:24-25 NASB

 

Now it came about at the lodging place on the way that the LORD met him and sought to put him to death. Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, “You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.”

 

Comments: I imagine the son was screaming in pain and Moses just kinda stared at it in disgust.

 

4. Ezekiel 16:17 NIV

 

You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

 

Comments: What did she do with her gold and silver idols?

 

3. Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET

 

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

 

Comments: Can’t wait to hear this taught from a pulpit.

 

2. Judges 3:19-25 ESV

 

And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.

 

Comments: Apparently the sword pierced all the way through and something unexpected came out the other side. The author felt this was a necessary detail to include.

 

1. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB

 

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

 

Comments: My question is why would she do this and were there any repeat offenders?

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I've often thought about producing a porn comic version of the Bible... there's just so much good material.

 

Song of Solomon would be fuckin' HOT. :fdevil:

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My partner knows very little about the Bible. I think he thinks it's all about "hippy-love-and-peace" stuff. Sometimes I read scriptures such as these to him just to shock him. :wicked:

 

-CC in MA

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My partner knows very little about the Bible. I think he thinks it's all about "hippy-love-and-peace" stuff. Sometimes I read scriptures such as these to him just to shock him. :wicked:

 

-CC in MA

 

I see... St Francis has a nasty side! :wicked:

 

Mongo

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My partner knows very little about the Bible. I think he thinks it's all about "hippy-love-and-peace" stuff. Sometimes I read scriptures such as these to him just to shock him. :wicked:

 

-CC in MA

 

Why?

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My partner knows very little about the Bible. I think he thinks it's all about "hippy-love-and-peace" stuff. Sometimes I read scriptures such as these to him just to shock him. :wicked:

 

-CC in MA

 

I see... St Francis has a nasty side! :wicked:

 

Mongo

 

I'm afraid so. :wicked:

 

One of my all-time favorite Bible teachers, Dr. J. Vernon McGee (anyone remember him??), used to say, "If you knew me as well as I know me, you'd turn off the radio right now. Hold on, there, before you turn the dial. Remember, if I knew you as well as you know you, I wouldn't talk to you in the first place!"

 

Same here, I'm afraid. Marching on, anyway! :woohoo:

 

-CC in MA

 

My partner knows very little about the Bible. I think he thinks it's all about "hippy-love-and-peace" stuff. Sometimes I read scriptures such as these to him just to shock him. :wicked:

 

-CC in MA

 

Why?

 

Sometimes I read these things and get such a kick out of them I have to share them with someone, and he's always right there. I do read to him some of the beautiful things as well, for the same reason.

 

-CC in MA

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Good post, Poonis. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be hard to find 100 more equally ridiculous passages in the Good Book. The book without error or contradiction. The WORD. The primary revelation of the creator of the universe to all mankind. :rolleyes: Whatever.

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4. Ezekiel 16:17 NIV

 

You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

 

Comments: What did she do with her gold and silver idols?

(Puts conference call to Raistlin Majere and Norrin Radd on hold) We collectively plead the 5th. : :wicked:

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Sometimes I read these things and get such a kick out of them I have to share them with someone, and he's always right there. I do read to him some of the beautiful things as well, for the same reason.

 

I deduce from your posts here that you are a gay and a christian. I, as a jewish national socialist, heartily applaud your keen ability to divorce yourself from the annoying constraints of objective reality. Carry on.

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Sometimes I read these things and get such a kick out of them I have to share them with someone, and he's always right there. I do read to him some of the beautiful things as well, for the same reason.

 

I deduce from your posts here that you are a gay and a christian. I, as a jewish national socialist, heartily applaud your keen ability to divorce yourself from the annoying constraints of objective reality. Carry on.

 

I am not "a gay and a Christian." I am gay and I am Christian. I shall carry on now. :woohoo:

 

-CC in MA

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Lots more verses that are never mentioned in church, like where god orders that disobedient children be murdered, and that those who work on the Sabbath be murdered. In fact, much of the OT is deliberatly ignored in sermons, like an embarrassing old relative in the corner who has come to stay and who you'd rather wasn't there. For some more:

 

http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/

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You can cross the Onan passage off that list. I heard a sermon on it a couple months ago. Probably the only time I've heard the word "masturbation" in church.

 

fyi, the pastor concluded that the passage had nothing to do with wanking

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Lots more verses that are never mentioned in church, like where god orders that disobedient children be murdered, and that those who work on the Sabbath be murdered. In fact, much of the OT is deliberatly ignored in sermons, like an embarrassing old relative in the corner who has come to stay and who you'd rather wasn't there. For some more:

 

http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/

 

This is a good analogy. But let's no confuse the Energy Behind All Life with the human interpreters of the will of said Energy. I do think there is a difference. Nor should we fail to forget the beauty and goodness of most of the Hebrew Bible, as we puzzle ourselves (rightly so) over the ugliness that is there as well.

 

-CC

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[This is a good analogy. But let's no confuse the Energy Behind All Life with the human interpreters of the will of said Energy. I do think there is a difference. Nor should we fail to forget the beauty and goodness of most of the Hebrew Bible, as we puzzle ourselves (rightly so) over the ugliness that is there as well.

 

-CC

 

yes, but are these bad acts enough to condemn. Would we pardon a potter who makes really nice vases and volonteers at a soup kitchen, but who also murders prostitutes?

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4. Ezekiel 16:17 NIV

 

You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

 

Comments: What did she do with her gold and silver idols?

 

I'm having a good time imagining it :wicked:

 

And here I thought there were no admirable women in the Babble :)

 

3. Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET

 

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

 

Comments: Can’t wait to hear this taught from a pulpit.

 

Now how did the author(s) of Ezekiel know how strong horse splooge is? :scratch::twitch:

 

1. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB

 

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

 

Comments: My question is why would she do this and were there any repeat offenders?

 

Yahooweh likes cock - isn't it clear? Especially given the other passage about not entering the Temple with squished nads; obviously, Yahooweh gets off checking out good-looking dicks.

 

Hey, if he's gay, that's ok with me, but the other passages in the Babble condemning homosexuality just don't jive. Not that that's surprising or anything, considering the Babble is just a mass of contradictions to begin with.

 

But, if God is gay, I can't help but wonder if he has a self-hate complex. He wants only nice, healthy cock-n-ball sets in his Temple (properly circumcised, too, so he can rub their foreskins all over his skin like Cartman did with Kyle's money in that one episode) but on the other hand condemns gay sex.

 

No wonder Yahooweh is so fucked up :mellow:

 

But let's no confuse the Energy Behind All Life with the human interpreters of the will of said Energy.

 

So long as you cease to confuse said Energy with the Abrahamic god ;)

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[This is a good analogy. But let's no confuse the Energy Behind All Life with the human interpreters of the will of said Energy. I do think there is a difference. Nor should we fail to forget the beauty and goodness of most of the Hebrew Bible, as we puzzle ourselves (rightly so) over the ugliness that is there as well.

 

-CC

 

yes, but are these bad acts enough to condemn. Would we pardon a potter who makes really nice vases and volonteers at a soup kitchen, but who also murders prostitutes?

Only if we understand the stories about the potter are myths and allegories. It doesn't mean the potter couldn't be real, but no one has ever seen the potter. Then it is no longer a requirement to take it all or leave it all. We can take what brings us beauty and dump the rest of which may have brought relief to some people of other cultures at the time. Defeating an entire nation may have been very beautiful to the people of the time. Where is the guilt of the potter in this scenario?

 

All my opinion of course... :)

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1. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB

 

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

 

Comments: My question is why would she do this and were there any repeat offenders?

 

I'm willing to bet women wouldn't kick men in the balls if the punishment was having their feet cut off. I wonder if this is how that tradition started. If you can't squeeze a guy's genitals into submission, there's no law against a swift kick.

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If you can't squeeze a guy's genitals into submission, ...

Well, that just takes all the fun out of it!

 

 

 

 

 

Just teasing!

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4. Ezekiel 16:17 NIV

 

You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

 

Comments: What did she do with her gold and silver idols?

 

I'm having a good time imagining it :wicked:

 

And here I thought there were no admirable women in the Babble :)

 

3. Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET

 

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

 

Comments: Can’t wait to hear this taught from a pulpit.

 

Now how did the author(s) of Ezekiel know how strong horse splooge is? :scratch::twitch:

 

1. Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB

 

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

 

Comments: My question is why would she do this and were there any repeat offenders?

 

Yahooweh likes cock - isn't it clear? Especially given the other passage about not entering the Temple with squished nads; obviously, Yahooweh gets off checking out good-looking dicks.

 

Hey, if he's gay, that's ok with me, but the other passages in the Babble condemning homosexuality just don't jive. Not that that's surprising or anything, considering the Babble is just a mass of contradictions to begin with.

 

But, if God is gay, I can't help but wonder if he has a self-hate complex. He wants only nice, healthy cock-n-ball sets in his Temple (properly circumcised, too, so he can rub their foreskins all over his skin like Cartman did with Kyle's money in that one episode) but on the other hand condemns gay sex.

 

No wonder Yahooweh is so fucked up :mellow:

 

But let's no confuse the Energy Behind All Life with the human interpreters of the will of said Energy.

 

So long as you cease to confuse said Energy with the Abrahamic god ;)

 

While I don't go along with your exegesis, need I even say it? :HaHa: , these sure are some wild passages. I bet it would shock the socks off the little old lady who's faitfullly attended church for 80 years and never actually read the Bible!

 

-CC

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