More In My Family Estrangement Saga

[Guest Amelia Jane]

Hi Guys!

 

Well, some of you no doubt are familiar with my story, from my Ex-Christian testimony and post about the bullshit fundies dish out.

 

As you know, my fundie pastor father abused me physically and emotionally right up until I left home to get married, whilst my mother and younger brother just watched on. They all deny the abuse and blame me. They have no respect, care or love for me.

 

Anyhow, I got abusive phone calls from my father's father, before he knew the story. This was late last year. I disclosed the story to him in an email and he and my grandmother apologised.

 

Well, I thought they were on my side. I sent them these emails the other day (and I list them in chronological order). I sent them when I was feeling a bit down:

 

Hi Grandma and Grandpa,

 

How are you going? I thought I should email you, since it has been months and months.

 

I don’t really want to say much about how I’m feeling….I got a phone call from my brother, and it really upset me. That’s all I can say. It was the other week.

 

Good on him for getting into the police force…but he’s not my brother. You only had to hear the way he was talking to me to see that.

 

I hope you are well. I heard that you had had some health problems, and I hope things are on the mend again.

 

I’m sorry things are this way and that we can’t really have a relationship now. I hate it, but I have no choice.

 

It’s like I’m in a room….you’re all there. My parents are in the foreground with my brother, and you both are in the background, with all the other relatives. The people in the foreground just kept pushing and pushing me, and hurting me over and over….I had to run from that room, and I closed the door firmly behind me. The door is locked from the outside. It can’t be opened by anybody else but those people in the foreground who caused me to run for it. Everybody else in that room is hurting in some way because I left the room…but nobody is looking at the people who made me leave.

 

I guess that’s something I would show anybody who wanted to know why.

 

Thanks,

 

Amelia.

 

Then I sent this email a few minutes later, to add to it:

 

Hi Grandma and Grandpa,

 

The subject line (I Love You Guys) says it all…I do love you guys.

 

The analogy I used in my last email paints the picture beautifully about the situation…I wish I could show it to the maternal grandparents. My brother told me that my parents told the maternal grandparents never to contact me again, or else I would sue them! It was so untrue and really hurt! My brother delivered that message to me over the phone, and in a way that wasn’t kind at all. Now the maternal grandparents hate me for sure. I just can’t think about it. Every day I have to block it all out because it’s horrible. I used to love Christmas, but now I don’t like it because I have to block everything out.

 

I’d like to send you something though. I can’t send anything to the maternal grandparents now because of what my parents told them. I wish it wasn’t like this. I hate to think that they are hurting because of things they are being told – which don’t even consider my point of view or feelings at all! I am so tempted to send them that analogy, but not say who it’s from.

 

Sometimes the fact that my voice isn’t heard by everybody else (but you guys) really bothers me. Most of the time though, I block that fact out as well that nobody knows my side. I just think nobody wants to know or cares to – because my parents and brother do not care to. They just think I’m attacking them for the hell of it. I’m too scared to even send a card to the maternal grandparents. I’m sure they hate me now. For the same reason, I can’t contact (I name my father's two younger brothers - my uncles) or any of my mother’s siblings. They didn’t like me much anyway and teased me a bit.

 

In my email before when I said it’s like we can’t have a relationship, I was referring to the fact that I can’t give too much information out about my life now, because I don’t want my parents to know. We are doing fabulously though (and I’m really happy to say that, because my father used to say to (my husband's name I put here) and I that our lives would definitely fall apart since we have walked away from the church. Yeah…this situation gets me down at times, but I consciously block it out. This is far easier than me keeping in touch with them, and enduring the harrassment and negativity. I will keep in touch with you – if that’s okay with you of course. I do understand if you find it awkward and will respect your wishes. I do refrain from talking about my feelings to you though, because I do not want to burden you. I don’t want to stress you out, and I do not want any strain to be created, because of me, in terms of your relationship with my parents and brother.

 

But anyway!! I just thought I’d mention those things – to get it off my chest somewhat. Things are going well.

 

Love Amelia

 

Then I had to send this third email right after, to explain something in that second email:

 

Hi Grandma and Grandpa,

 

I needed to clarify that in this section, the people who didn’t appear to like me much and teased me were Mum’s siblings. They have a tendency to excel in the art of snobbery, but (my father's two younger brothers - my uncles) were always great and nice to me:

 

For the same reason, I can’t contact (my father's two younger brothers - my uncles) or any of my mother’s siblings. They didn’t like me much anyway and teased me a bit.

 

Please note that I am doing well and (my husband) and I are enjoying life very much. We would like to see you again sometime, but I don’t know where that would be or when. I just think it’s important that you know that mentally I am feeling good in myself – far better than I have in a long time. Definitely far better than when I lived with my folks.

 

I do not want you to stress over the situation at all, and that is why I keep talk of my feelings to a minimum.

 

Love Amelia

 

I didn't hear anything back for a few days, until this morning, when I got this lovely email from them:

 

Hello (they insert my husband's name and mine),

Thank you for your latest communication, it has been quite a while since we heard from you . Glad to hear that you are both well and happy and doing well in your business.

 

We refer to you email, and I note that you have allowed hate to take over and control your emotions, how sad!

 

We are pleased that (my brother's name) got in touch with you. He is a person, we as Grandparents are proud to call our Grandson. He is one who keeps his own council and only speaks out when he feels it necessary so to do. We did not know that he contacted you, nor are we aware of what was said. He for one would have been the quite observer and we do feel that whatever motivated him to contact you and say whatever he had to say was well founded. You say that he is not your brother, you are so wrong!He is as much of you as you are of him. We don't think (my brother) would purposely go out of his way to hurt anyone let alone his sister for no good reason. He is one who would have a broad insight of what went on in the home front. We know him well enough to be sure that he would be fair with his assumptions and would not go out of his way to purposely hurt anyone unfairly. (In other words he would tell a few home truths which may not be well received by those who deserve them.) We say good for him for doing so.

 

You say that you are sorry that we can not have a relationship now. We thought that we have a relationship with you as you are our Granddaughter, always was and always will be. You say you hate it, but have no choice!What is stopping you?

 

If you remember some time back you sent us an email threatening Legal Action against your parents they dare contact you on the grounds of harassment. In your analogy today you say that you feel you are in a locked room, and that we, I take it as your kinfolk are also there,that your parents are at the foreground with your brother and that they are pushing and hurting you over and over. You say you left the room and locked it firmly from behind from the outside.

 

These are your words and your doing, you are at your own peril as we see it, master of your own destiny. This being so, you are the only one who can change things. Why not take the bold step forward necessary to put an end to this ugly family feud between yourself and your family, bearing in mind that none of us is perfect.

 

Incidentally since closing the door on us as you say another has opened. We have another Granddaughter, a lovely girl, able to express herself without the use of vulgarity or any course behaviour. Her name is (her name) and her little boy (his name) is one year old, we attended his birthday celebration about two weeks ago when they were up from Adelaide. They called in on us about three weeks ago with (my uncle and his new wife, who had grown up kids - this new granddaughter being one of them). (New granddaughter) is expecting again and the baby is due early next year.

 

If we don't hear from you again before Christmas we wish you both a happy Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year.

 

Love Grandad and Grandma.

 

I was horrified with the email they sent, and sent this email:

 

Well, I am absolutely disgusted to say the least with your email and lack of compassion for my situation. Good on you.

 

Clearly you have discounted my experiences and have decided to write me off and elevate my parents and brother to great heights.

 

Good on you for that. Good on you for your new grand daughter as well! I note that you always seem to remind me that you have a new grand daughter now – I’m so happy I have been replaced!

 

You won’t be seeing me again. I am so happy I cut ties – BEST DECISION EVER!!!!!

 

You don’t know a good thing when you see it, and you have lost it.

 

__

 

Then I sent this email soon after:

 

Oh yeah…my advice to you: read about the feelings of abused kids (something you lot probably never do, because you just think the parent is ALWAYS right). Read about that and then you’ll understand the HURT we feel when we aren’t validated.

 

Obvioulsy you think it’s right for fathers to belt their daughters around into adulthood. I think that’s SAD!

 

I was forced out of that room I told you about, because I couldn’t take it anymore. What I was saying is it was sad that that happened.

 

I don’t need your ‘love’ or support. I also knew you would bail on me like this, but that’s okay.

 

I don’t hate either. You’ll understand why I simply can’t go on with keeping communication with all of them, when you understand the hell abused kids go through.

 

After all, when you worked with criminals (grandfather was a cop), did you ever want the victim to maintain friendship with their offender? I doubt it!

 

That after all, IS traumatizing.

 

My email to you was saying that I was sad about this situation, but it’s up to the offenders here to own up to reality.

 

Don’t respond to this. I’ve heard all I want to.

 

----

 

And that was that.

 

Disgusting! That's my family for you.

 

What do you reckon?

 

I knew they would betray me. I'm gutted, but FUCK them!

 

Oh, and that bit about me being vulgar - well so what? I bet their 'new granddaughter's' daddy didn't belt her until she was an adult. See how dumb they are though - they didn't understand my metaphor at all regarding the room!

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Astreja]

(((Amelia)))

 

Their response is truly ugly. No compassion, no validation, just covering their own sorry butts and blaming the victim because it's easier than confronting the perpetrators.

 

And yes, cutting all contact is definitely the way to go here.

[Guest Amelia Jane]

Hey Astreja,

 

Thanks so much for your supportive response - I really appreciate it!

 

That's the end of the contact as far as I am concerned with these people. I mean, seriously, could they be any more toxic than this?

 

I figure they faked their sympathy with me when I poured my heart out to them earlier this year. They were saying, "Oh we're so sorry! We love and support you unconditionally!"

 

Well...today's nasty, vicious email leaves me asking, "What happened to those people? What the hell was their initial sympathetic response all about?"

 

Interested in your thoughts.

 

I'm going to share my story with others online I think, and encourage those going through this sort of thing.

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Amelia]

Hi Guys!

 

Just letting you know that I am the same person as the one with the display name Amelia Jane. I'm on this login now and don't want to confuse anybody!!

 

Sorry!!

 

Amelia

[R. S. Martin]

Hi Guys!

 

Just letting you know that I am the same person as the one with the display name Amelia Jane. I'm on this login now and don't want to confuse anybody!!

 

Sorry!!

 

Amelia

 

Thanks for explaining this.

 

Amelia, your story sounds exactly like mine except the details are different. In case you didn't have a chance to read my story of things with my family this past week, here it is. I'm not sure what good it will do you to read it, though. All it tells you is that there are two of us hurting about things that should never happen. Cutting contact is the only solution I know. On this forum, at least people understand that cutting contact is a legitimate way of dealing with family.

 

I went to the modern Mennonites after I left the Old Order horse and buggy Mennonites. Here are two things these people kept saying to me:

 

1. How does your family take this?

2. Don't cut them off! After a while they will come around.

 

They (modern Mennonites) refused to believe me when I explained that this animosity goes all the way back to early childhood and that this is just the most recent occurance. This week I told my counselor at school about deciding to cut contact because of this latest development. She replied that this is a good decision because I always get hurt when I have communication with my family.

 

It meant so much to me to know this person understood. The only thing I know to do is accept that these excruciatingly painful things happened and that it is necessary to cut contact and build a new life. I find it helps to focus on the present and the pleasant things of the present. I can hardly fathom what it means to my life to not have to deal with hateful family. It's as though the planet no longer turns on the axis of nasty and disrespectful family whose sole purpose of life seems to be to remake me in their own image. Maybe as people like you and me swap ideas we will eventually become strong people in our own right with surrogate family.

 

How are things with your in-laws? Do you feel loved and respected in that family? I have never been married so there is no family I belong to. However, I am beginning to establish a surrogate family. We'll have to see how things turn out.

[D Laurier]

Amelia,

It looks like your family practices abuse behind closed doors, and is afraid that the truth might get exposed. (ie; their image as a perfect family might get tainted)

 

It also looks like they are using emotional manipulation and classic crazy making techniques.

 

I suggest running like hell.

 

Cut ties to a minimum, and limit contact. Take control of your life and start living without fear.

 

(find a good therepist)

[Lycorth]

I'm sorry to hear all that, Amelia - no one deserves that kind of bullshit.

 

Yes, sadly, cutting ties is what you're going to have to do. That alone will hurt, but it'll hurt more if you constantly try to win their love and affection. You've come out for what you think and feel, and that's bad enough for them. You've said things they didn't ever want to hear, and if there's a history of abuse and lack of respect and love, then they never were ready to accept or understand you from the get go, no matter what you believed.

 

You've got to retreat, take stock, and rebuild yourself. Like I said, it will hurt, and you may be relegated to going online for friendship, but that's why we're here - and helpful online friends are worth infinitely more than hateful real-life people.

 

Hang in there - you'll make it through

[Kurari]

It looks to me like your grandparents are really out of the loop. They are getting your story and your family's story, and they aren't part of what went on. They weren't the ones getting belted. I don't doubt that they love you, but they don't understand. They are also

 

I feel for you. I'm in a really messy estrangement with my family, so if you can cut ties completely, it's probably best. Your hubby and his family sounds like all you need.

[R. S. Martin]

I don't want to steal the show here, but since my case is so very similar I want to thank people for their suggestions. I find it helpful, too.

[R. S. Martin]

I'm in a really messy estrangement with my family, so if you can cut ties completely, it's probably best. Your hubby and his family sounds like all you need.

 

Kurari, it's so good to hear from others in similar situations. Today I got a letter from another set of sisters. Trying to make me feel guilty for their disappointment in me.

 

Heck, when I complain that someone did not measure up to my expectations I am told not to set my expectations so high. But when it's THEM, well, the story changes without notice and I am expected to thank them for it. I'm trying to decide whether or not to respond to their letter.

 

If I don't respond they will accuse me of being unable to deal with a guilty conscience. If I do respond and explain that I am happy and at peace, they will accuse me of being deceived by Satan.

 

I told them about Tom Harpur who wrote The Pagan Christ, and, upon request, I told them that he felt more peace after he learned the things he learned via his research than before. They tell me his peace may not be from God.

 

Whew! how can anyone with true inner peace and insight make such a statement? I don't think they can or will. I think only people who don't know true peace make this kind of cruel accusations. They have to do it for fear of getting drawn in themselves. Seems their faith can't take any challenge.

 

I hate to say it, but Amelia, I would guess your grandparents are in exactly the same situation as my sisters. Self-righteous dolts who think they don't deserve anything but the best of treatment regardless what they mete out. UGH!

[sparkyone]

I'm in a really messy estrangement with my family, so if you can cut ties completely, it's probably best. Your hubby and his family sounds like all you need.

 

Kurari, it's so good to hear from others in similar situations. Today I got a letter from another set of sisters. Trying to make me feel guilty for their disappointment in me.

 

Heck, when I complain that someone did not measure up to my expectations I am told not to set my expectations so high. But when it's THEM, well, the story changes without notice and I am expected to thank them for it. I'm trying to decide whether or not to respond to their letter.

 

If I don't respond they will accuse me of being unable to deal with a guilty conscience. If I do respond and explain that I am happy and at peace, they will accuse me of being deceived by Satan.

 

I told them about Tom Harpur who wrote The Pagan Christ, and, upon request, I told them that he felt more peace after he learned the things he learned via his research than before. They tell me his peace may not be from God.

 

Whew! how can anyone with true inner peace and insight make such a statement? I don't think they can or will. I think only people who don't know true peace make this kind of cruel accusations. They have to do it for fear of getting drawn in themselves. Seems their faith can't take any challenge.

 

I hate to say it, but Amelia, I would guess your grandparents are in exactly the same situation as my sisters. Self-righteous dolts who think they don't deserve anything but the best of treatment regardless what they mete out. UGH!

I'd like to make some comments about the peace issue since it was the topic of a sermon the other night. For one thing, the OT says that "there is no peace...to the wicked", but then the pastor said that unsaved folks don't have any true peace, or they have peace that goes away when they lose their job or something bad happens. So I'm wondering if this is a contradiction or just a skating around the issue to try to say that "it isn't real peace" or "it isn't the peace of God" or only temporary. It's an attempt to explain away the simple fact that non-Christians can be just as peaceful or more so than the "saved".

 

Sparkyone

[Amelia]

Hi Guys!

 

I'll respond to your individual postings later today, however, just wanted to say thank you!!

 

Also, I have been out of contact with my parents and brother for over a year now. I cut ties there last November. My grandparents who emailed me yesterday, I have only had very, very limited contact with. They don't know much about me at all - well, my life now. Maybe four or five emails all up since I became estranged, and I haven't seen them. I spoke to them once on the phone, and that was it.

 

So yes, I have gone through that first year and first Christmas of estrangement. I can do it! It's the best thing here, trust me. You guys know that anyway!

 

Thanks so much once again guys! I look forward to getting to know you!

 

Oh yeah - feel free to PM me and add me to your 'Friends' list here! I'd love to get to know everybody!

 

Talk soon, and have a great weekend! I know I will, because I'm not going to waste another minute thinking about the family.

 

Amelia

[Kurari]

I'm in a really messy estrangement with my family, so if you can cut ties completely, it's probably best. Your hubby and his family sounds like all you need.

 

Kurari, it's so good to hear from others in similar situations. Today I got a letter from another set of sisters. Trying to make me feel guilty for their disappointment in me.

 

Heck, when I complain that someone did not measure up to my expectations I am told not to set my expectations so high. But when it's THEM, well, the story changes without notice and I am expected to thank them for it. I'm trying to decide whether or not to respond to their letter.

 

If I don't respond they will accuse me of being unable to deal with a guilty conscience. If I do respond and explain that I am happy and at peace, they will accuse me of being deceived by Satan.

 

I told them about Tom Harpur who wrote The Pagan Christ, and, upon request, I told them that he felt more peace after he learned the things he learned via his research than before. They tell me his peace may not be from God.

 

Whew! how can anyone with true inner peace and insight make such a statement? I don't think they can or will. I think only people who don't know true peace make this kind of cruel accusations. They have to do it for fear of getting drawn in themselves. Seems their faith can't take any challenge.

 

I hate to say it, but Amelia, I would guess your grandparents are in exactly the same situation as my sisters. Self-righteous dolts who think they don't deserve anything but the best of treatment regardless what they mete out. UGH!

 

Ugh, I feel for you. My family has done the same thing, and I've got an ex-friend trying to pull the same crap on me even though SHE was the one who stormed out of my life over some stupid thing. I just shut the door on all their asses and got on with living my own life.

 

My relationship with my parents now is a sticky one. I cut them off for a while, and they've decided that they would rather have a relationship with me than be right. They've mellowed way the hell out, and they are trying their best to treat me with respect, so I'm tentively trying communication with them again. I'm not sure why. They've done a lot of really nasty shit to me in the past including verbal and physical abuse. I dunno, I guess if they are trying, I'm not going to be happy unless I do as well. They weren't assholes my entire life....

 

My brother on the other hand, I haven't spoken to in a year now. I'm fed up with his self rightous and self centered attitude. He's always made it clear I'm the little sister he never wanted. At first I bent over backwards for him, especially when he needed help because I loved him and wanted to be his friend. That's the only time he was ever really nice to me and didn't regard me with the attitude like I was mentally challenged. Of course, he couldn't extend the same courtesy, unless my mother made him, and once he moved out, all bets are off. I kept holding the olive branch for a while, but finally one day after I broke my foot a few years ago, I called him for a ride home from the hospital. He told me he couldn't take 20 minutes out of his day to give me a ride home because he had some friends over. I finally decided he was just a douchebag and not worth my consideration.

 

Our parents of course don't understand. They keep trying to get us to "make up" and "talk" for the sake of family, and you just can't explain to them that we didn't have a fight. We just don't see the point in continuing to pretend we give a shit about each other, and it's mutual. If we ever end up in the same place together, we don't cause problems. We're polite to each other and can even have a nice conversation. But honestly, he's not somebody I'd ever waste my time on as a friend, why should I bother with him just because we happen to share parents?

[R. S. Martin]

But honestly, he's not somebody I'd ever waste my time on as a friend, why should I bother with him just because we happen to share parents?

 

You shouldn't. Period.

[godlessgrrl]

Sometimes cutting ties with family members is the best thing you could possibly do for yourself.

 

People don't seem to understand that you can't "just make up" after living through years of childhood abuse. It doesn't work that way.

 

My family has mellowed a lot too, but I keep considering cutting ties with them simply because the level of their denial has gone on for so long and is so deep that I'll just never really be a part of the family. Nobody's particularly an asshole about things anymore, they're just so much more interested in this shallow kind of appearance-oriented reality than actually knowing their children as individuals.

 

Anyway. It's okay to cut ties. You're not crazy.

[Unknowing1]

I feel for you. When I was a kid my sister verbally and physically abused me but there wasn't much I could do about it. My parents knew how she treated me but they allowed it. One time I called my mother when she was out of town and told her she needed to come home because my sister came after me with a knife. Had my friend not be there I might have been killed. I ended up staying with my friend until my parents came home.

 

It took me awhile to finally figure out that I don't have to accept that type of treatment just because she is my sister. I think the true turning point for me was about a year ago when she stated that she realized how badly she treated me when we were growing up. But she didn't apologize. When I told her I was glad she finally realized what she had done it would have been nice to have had an apology. She went off on me yelling and screaming (just like old times) and ended the conversation by saying you want an apology, "I'm sorry (said very nastily) now you have your apology".

 

I went through a period of self reflection just before that conversation with my sister. I realized that because of the type of person that I am I am mistreated by others and taken for granted. I never stood up for myself and would allow people to walk all over me. I made up my mind that I would not allow that to happen to me anymore. I think that my sister really thought that by her admitting that she treated me badly that I would just accept it and everything would be fine and I would go off into a corner somewhere lick my wounds and then come back for more. Not anymore I'm not. I'm not the one who treated her badly she treated me badly. All I wanted was a sincere apology.

 

I haven't cut her totally from my life but I have limited my contact with her and then it is only on a superficial basis.

[R. S. Martin]

I feel for you. When I was a kid my sister verbally and physically abused me but there wasn't much I could do about it. My parents knew how she treated me but they allowed it. One time I called my mother when she was out of town and told her she needed to come home because my sister came after me with a knife. Had my friend not be there I might have been killed. I ended up staying with my friend until my parents came home.

 

It took me awhile to finally figure out that I don't have to accept that type of treatment just because she is my sister. I think the true turning point for me was about a year ago when she stated that she realized how badly she treated me when we were growing up. But she didn't apologize. When I told her I was glad she finally realized what she had done it would have been nice to have had an apology. She went off on me yelling and screaming (just like old times) and ended the conversation by saying you want an apology, "I'm sorry (said very nastily) now you have your apology".

 

I went through a period of self reflection just before that conversation with my sister. I realized that because of the type of person that I am I am mistreated by others and taken for granted. I never stood up for myself and would allow people to walk all over me. I made up my mind that I would not allow that to happen to me anymore. I think that my sister really thought that by her admitting that she treated me badly that I would just accept it and everything would be fine and I would go off into a corner somewhere lick my wounds and then come back for more. Not anymore I'm not. I'm not the one who treated her badly she treated me badly. All I wanted was a sincere apology.

 

I haven't cut her totally from my life but I have limited my contact with her and then it is only on a superficial basis.

 

I've never heard of abuse on this level from siblings. It's horrible! I hope she never has kids. Cutting ties would be fully justified in a case like this. You probably don't have much of a relationship with your parents. They sound totally negligent. That kind of negligence could possibly win a court case, don't you think? Allowing one child to run after another child with a knife--that is simply not acceptable.

[Blue elephant]

Hi Amelia

 

I cut off ties with my mum for about 5 or 6 years because fo the Christian bullying crap. Decided to get in contact with her again when she became a grandmother.

 

I thought she was such a miserable person that a sweet little grand daughter might add some joy and meaning to her miserable life. She has never botherd me with the christian crap again.

 

Amelia, are you Australian? You mention Adelaide. I live in Canberra. My husband is from Adelaide. Feel free to PM me re the peculiarities of Australian life.

[Unknowing1]

I've never heard of abuse on this level from siblings. It's horrible! I hope she never has kids. Cutting ties would be fully justified in a case like this. You probably don't have much of a relationship with your parents. They sound totally negligent. That kind of negligence could possibly win a court case, don't you think? Allowing one child to run after another child with a knife--that is simply not acceptable.

 

Not trying to make excuses for my sister but she needs/needed mental help. She was also at times using drugs which only added to the problems. My sister was my mom's darling, but also the one who caused them the most problems. And I guess that instead of realizing what she truly needed they over indulged her thinking that was the appropriate way to go.

 

My parents are dead now, my dad dying 11 years ago and my mom 5 years ago. Up until the day my mom died I tried to win acceptance from her (my problem), even had her move in with us when my dad died. At the time she moved in I had two kids aged 3 and 6, a husband and a full time job. My sister had no kids and no husband.

 

You would think that the 6 years would have made our relationship better but it didn't, I found out she knew about a lot of what happened even had a hand in some of it (like the time she told my sister to go after my boyfriend, yes she admitted it). It took me a while and a lot of self reflection but I've come to accept what happened, placed appropriate blame where it belongs (even on myself for not standing up sooner and continually trying to earn love and acceptance) and have moved on.

[PaulQ]

I agree with the general sentiment here; sometimes, you need to cut the ties that bind. That said, it can be diffiult emotionally to get along in life without some kind of family for support; so why not start building your own family from scratch? There are many more people in the same boat as you who would be honoured to be thought of as your "Sister." There are thousands of unwanted and abused children, from similarly abusive homes, in need of truly loving parents. Forget about your biological family, and start on your "New" family built out of love and respect. Your own experience should be sufficient to demonstrate the need for genuinely caring and loving foster parents.

[CyborgX]

I can sympathize. That is not a family, that's a MOB. Stay away from them. I do NOT agree with the setiment to not cut them off and that they will come around. They WILL NEVER "come around". Ever. Once it's in their stupid little heads that you are a certain way, the WHOLE FAMILY will ALWAYS belive it. Why? To not be cut off from the family, of course! Just like the church, they have to maintain the belief so they can remain part of the group (family, church, etc.) and even some have to feel they have to act on it (ie. tell of Jesus, or abuse the victim in the family, etc.) to prove to the rest of the family that they are not siding with the black sheep, but are one of the family still, so not to get cut off from the family.

 

I went through much the same with my family but before anything went too far, I took the attitude that if they aren't going to be civil to me, I won't even try to be friends. I'll just forget about them. I just minded my own. Those that still kept in touch know better than to even discuss such things with me if they still want to stay in contact with me.

 

The #1 mistake anyone can do in a family fued is discuss how they feel, believe it or not. This will only make you the "problem", it seems. Like you're trying to appeal to be part of the family but on YOUR terms. Families don't like that. It's their terms only or you're not included. Period. The reason for this is because they never KNEW you to begin with! Nope. You grew up with them, yes, but what they saw was what YOUR PARENTS WANTED THEM TO SEE! Not who you really were. (See my explaination above). So you're feelings will never be understood by them anymore than what a stranger who never knew you and/or never been through it themselves would understand (or even care). They are effectively "familiar strangers" meaning you saw them and communicated with them your entire life, but they never knew you and you never knew them.

 

Because they wouldn't LET you.

 

So I just figure if they don't want to communicate on my terms, C'est La Vie. I won't even give them the pleasure of letting them know. They'll get the message when I never talk to them or anything. And if they are that low, they won't give a damn anyway. They'll probably be glad. Good on them.

[Blue elephant]

Amelia

 

I agree wth digitalquirk here. Start building your own "family". There will be other people around who are in different cities to their families or have very different belief systems to the rest of their families. These people are good to rely on when you need help. Where you live is a great commercial centre that is attracting lots of people.

 

Where I live is the centre of the public service and young adults often take promotion here with no parents to baby sit their children, pick then up from the hospital etc etc. Friends DO become like family. Look also at establishing some friendships and links with people that are half a generation (ie about 15 years) distant from you. The older ones are good for telling you "how it was" but still understanding "how it is" for you in the here and now.

 

The ones that are half a generation younger than you need you to do all of that for them. Sometimes the ones that are half a generation younger are good when you want to go out dancing as well!!! lol

[Amelia]

Hi Guys,

 

Thanks for your responses. I'd definitely be interested in developing friendships with others who are in a similar situation to me, but is anybody here interested in that? If so, please PM me. I'd love to hear from you. I don't know anybody else living with total estrangement.

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Amelia]

They (modern Mennonites) refused to believe me when I explained that this animosity goes all the way back to early childhood and that this is just the most recent occurance. This week I told my counselor at school about deciding to cut contact because of this latest development. She replied that this is a good decision because I always get hurt when I have communication with my family.

 

It meant so much to me to know this person understood. The only thing I know to do is accept that these excruciatingly painful things happened and that it is necessary to cut contact and build a new life. I find it helps to focus on the present and the pleasant things of the present. I can hardly fathom what it means to my life to not have to deal with hateful family. It's as though the planet no longer turns on the axis of nasty and disrespectful family whose sole purpose of life seems to be to remake me in their own image. Maybe as people like you and me swap ideas we will eventually become strong people in our own right with surrogate family.

 

How are things with your in-laws? Do you feel loved and respected in that family? I have never been married so there is no family I belong to. However, I am beginning to establish a surrogate family. We'll have to see how things turn out.

 

Hey Ruby,

 

I hate it how they just deny it ever happened, when you know damn well it did. I think these people get off on trying to make people crazy.

 

I think judging by how toxic your family are, cutting ties completely is the best step. At least it was for me. I felt so tempted to say to my grandfather, who is a war veteran (the one who emailed me that nasty email), "Well, it's like me saying to you that your experiences in the war never happened and what you went through and go through today as a result, is all in your mind." I bet he'd LOVE that wouldn't he? These people don't get it. Pain is pain, and when you deny pain, you are really doing damage to the other person. You just have to get out of that situation and surround yourself with good people who love and accept you. Just because they're family doesn't mean they have a right to know you. If they treat you like shit, shaft them out of your life by cutting communication with them.

 

Regarding my in-laws, I get on okay with them. They treat me well enough, although there have been times where there have been big fights and they have accused me of being a snob and thin-skinned (before they knew about my family background), but it's all okay now. They are asking about how I'm handling this latest situation with my family.

 

From now on, those people - my biological family - are not my family. They will now just be referred to as 'that lot'.

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Amelia]

Amelia,

It looks like your family practices abuse behind closed doors, and is afraid that the truth might get exposed. (ie; their image as a perfect family might get tainted)

 

It also looks like they are using emotional manipulation and classic crazy making techniques.

 

I suggest running like hell.

 

Cut ties to a minimum, and limit contact. Take control of your life and start living without fear.

 

(find a good therepist)

 

Hi There,

 

Yeah, they're nasty people basically, and I'm not regretting for a second cutting ties with them. As said before, I cut ties with my biological family over a year ago, and as for the grandparents mentioned, I gave them the flick via that email I posted here. I did that just last week.

 

I've completely cut contact and that's the way it will stay. All the numbers have been changed and they know I'm not going to make contact with them. It's over for good, and I'm quite at peace knowing that I won't see or hear from any of them ever again. They deserve it after what they did to me, but this is not a revenge thing. It's all about consequences. If you kick a dog, you can't expect it to be friends with you. It will run, and that's why I have.

 

Good on 'em. I don't think about them now, so it's not a bitterness thing. I say let them live in their delusion, because at the end of the day, that's all they have.

 

Cheers,

Amelia