More In My Family Estrangement Saga

[Amelia]

I'm sorry to hear all that, Amelia - no one deserves that kind of bullshit.

 

Yes, sadly, cutting ties is what you're going to have to do. That alone will hurt, but it'll hurt more if you constantly try to win their love and affection. You've come out for what you think and feel, and that's bad enough for them. You've said things they didn't ever want to hear, and if there's a history of abuse and lack of respect and love, then they never were ready to accept or understand you from the get go, no matter what you believed.

 

You've got to retreat, take stock, and rebuild yourself. Like I said, it will hurt, and you may be relegated to going online for friendship, but that's why we're here - and helpful online friends are worth infinitely more than hateful real-life people.

 

Hang in there - you'll make it through

 

Hey Varokhar,

 

Thanks for your response to my post. I know, it's total bullshit the stuff they were dishing out to me! I'm so happy I have cut ties COMPLETELY with all of them, and I am feeling great satisfaction knowing that I actually said I was happy for cutting ties with them, in that email you read above.

 

My grandfather used to hit his wife anyway. I felt tempted to say, "Guess I know where my so-called father got his mean streak from". That would have been very effective at sinking the boot in so to speak. They've just gotten really religious in their old age - after a lifetime of drinking and vulgar behaviour - and they just pull the Christianity out when it suits them. Thing is my so-called father hits them up with the hell and judgement all the time, which no doubt, scares the beegeezus outta them. No doubt it will be the talk of the Christmas table this year, but so bloody what? They chucked the only good family member out of the family - me!

 

They won't ever admit to that though. I tried telling them in an analogy I shared with you all just before, but they were so dumb they couldn't get it, and just thought I had decided to shut them out of my life, just out of spite. What a load of dung!

 

As you know, gave that lot the flick over a year ago, and got through Chrissy last year without em. I'll do it even better this year - I'm not even sending guilt gifts or cards. As for cards, if I get anything from them that doesn't address the issue, I'm returning it to them. I doubt I'll hear from anybody though. Maybe my parents, but I'll only accept something that addresses the situation. A thoughtful letter that tries to address my issues.

 

Cheers,

Amelia

P.S. I'm all for online friendships, but is anybody here interested?

[Amelia]

It looks to me like your grandparents are really out of the loop. They are getting your story and your family's story, and they aren't part of what went on. They weren't the ones getting belted. I don't doubt that they love you, but they don't understand. They are also

 

I feel for you. I'm in a really messy estrangement with my family, so if you can cut ties completely, it's probably best. Your hubby and his family sounds like all you need.

 

Hi Kurari,

 

Thanks for your response. I think if it's love, it's not shown by action and it's just obligatory 'love on paper'.

 

No doubt I've been written out of the will now, but who cares? More of a loss to them to know they won't be in mine!

 

My grandparents are really showing their evil side now. I was the only granddaughter and the eldest grandchild. I was always told I was their favorite granddaughter, and as soon as my uncle remarried this year (his wife died), and it turned out his new wife had an adult daughter, married with a baby, they started throwing that at me. All this talk of the new granddaughter, and then the final comment comparing me to her. I don't even know this girl! They've got their new novelty now, and they can choke on it! Just goes to show that being successful, getting the university education and actually getting somewhere in life doesn't count for anything with some families, so a big FU to them! I know these people are just fakes.

 

I mean, do you guys think it's WEIRD that my grandparents latch onto this new girl, who isn't even their blood?? What next?? Are they going to have a threesome with her?

 

Gawd....

 

I don't like those people anymore.

 

Amelia

[Amelia]

Kurari, it's so good to hear from others in similar situations. Today I got a letter from another set of sisters. Trying to make me feel guilty for their disappointment in me.

 

Heck, when I complain that someone did not measure up to my expectations I am told not to set my expectations so high. But when it's THEM, well, the story changes without notice and I am expected to thank them for it. I'm trying to decide whether or not to respond to their letter.

 

If I don't respond they will accuse me of being unable to deal with a guilty conscience. If I do respond and explain that I am happy and at peace, they will accuse me of being deceived by Satan.

 

I told them about Tom Harpur who wrote The Pagan Christ, and, upon request, I told them that he felt more peace after he learned the things he learned via his research than before. They tell me his peace may not be from God.

 

Whew! how can anyone with true inner peace and insight make such a statement? I don't think they can or will. I think only people who don't know true peace make this kind of cruel accusations. They have to do it for fear of getting drawn in themselves. Seems their faith can't take any challenge.

 

I hate to say it, but Amelia, I would guess your grandparents are in exactly the same situation as my sisters. Self-righteous dolts who think they don't deserve anything but the best of treatment regardless what they mete out. UGH!

 

Hey Ruby,

 

I'd love to keep in touch with you - you can contact me to bounce all that family shit off you, because I've been there. Always happy to help people out with sticky family situations, because it's horrible. It's the lowest of the low.

 

Your sister sounds like a cow. I could really go on and say a whole lot, but I'll refrain!

 

Christians don't seem to understand that they are abusers and oppressors, trying to rob us all of choice! The biggest thieves and abusers going! The thing is, we have the power to exit from the equation - we can give them the flick, so I recommend it if these people are toxic and starting to have a negative impact on you. I think cutting ties is a good thing, but fill your life with good people who love and respect you. The notion of unconditional love...does it even exist? Not with Christians!!!! You have more of a chance finding it in 'the world' than you do with any of those sorry arses.

 

Christians profess to know everything. In reality, they know nothing and are unable to think for themselves. How sad is that? They're not worthy of our sympathy though!!! They're the ones missing out.

 

And their arrogance makes them UNWORTHY of knowing us!!!!!!!!!!

 

You're absolutely right about my grandparents as well! All self-righteous dolts!!!

 

We're better than them all!!

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Amelia]

Ugh, I feel for you. My family has done the same thing, and I've got an ex-friend trying to pull the same crap on me even though SHE was the one who stormed out of my life over some stupid thing. I just shut the door on all their asses and got on with living my own life.

 

My relationship with my parents now is a sticky one. I cut them off for a while, and they've decided that they would rather have a relationship with me than be right. They've mellowed way the hell out, and they are trying their best to treat me with respect, so I'm tentively trying communication with them again. I'm not sure why. They've done a lot of really nasty shit to me in the past including verbal and physical abuse. I dunno, I guess if they are trying, I'm not going to be happy unless I do as well. They weren't assholes my entire life....

 

Kurari, best wishes with this. I hope your parents are genuine and really extend to you the respect you deserve. Some parents - including my sperm and egg donor (don't feel comfortable calling them parents) - didn't really believe in respecting me as their child. Well, it was more my father who just demanded respect, without feeling the need to reciprocate. I trust though that your parents are more reasonable. I'm yet to meet parents who beat my parents at their own game of nastiness.

 

 

My brother on the other hand, I haven't spoken to in a year now. I'm fed up with his self rightous and self centered attitude. He's always made it clear I'm the little sister he never wanted. At first I bent over backwards for him, especially when he needed help because I loved him and wanted to be his friend. That's the only time he was ever really nice to me and didn't regard me with the attitude like I was mentally challenged. Of course, he couldn't extend the same courtesy, unless my mother made him, and once he moved out, all bets are off. I kept holding the olive branch for a while, but finally one day after I broke my foot a few years ago, I called him for a ride home from the hospital. He told me he couldn't take 20 minutes out of his day to give me a ride home because he had some friends over. I finally decided he was just a douchebag and not worth my consideration.

 

Well, I'm the big sister, but my brother has always looked down on me. Used to be good mates when we were very small, and I'd read to him when he was sick, make sure he was playing safely, etc (all when I was tiny mind you), but it all went pear-shaped as you know. He's a cop now, so looks down on me even more, as was evident in a phone call he made after a year a few weeks back - which I referred to in the email to my grandparents. He told me to shut up and not talk about my feelings, or he would hang up. I didn't even say anything. But, I went all quiet and shy, as I do with any of the 'family'. I know how you feel - about wanting to be friends with your brother. I told mine that he has no other siblings, and when the parents go, he's got nobody. Still though...it has to be on HIS terms, and that means me shutting up about my feelings and experiences. No relationship is better to me. His loss. Your brother is selfish and full of himself by the sound of it!

 

 

Our parents of course don't understand. They keep trying to get us to "make up" and "talk" for the sake of family, and you just can't explain to them that we didn't have a fight. We just don't see the point in continuing to pretend we give a shit about each other, and it's mutual. If we ever end up in the same place together, we don't cause problems. We're polite to each other and can even have a nice conversation. But honestly, he's not somebody I'd ever waste my time on as a friend, why should I bother with him just because we happen to share parents?

 

Oh yeah...like my 'family' your parents probably think the sun shines out of your brother's arse. My grandparents make out that my brother is such a favorite now. The only REAL reason is because he followed the family tradition and became a cop. My brother has no time for the grandparents in reality, but as you saw with rent-a-granddaughter (the step granddaughter), they just latch onto anything and call it their own - and call it wonderful. My brother snubbed my husband, had no time for me, and deleted all emails I sent to my parents, via him (since my parents are dumb arses who don't know how to use the internet, or bother learning). He taunted me saying he deleted them, complete with photos my husband and I would send up via email. Oh, and to everybody else he is a saint. Give me a break...

 

You don't need your brother. You're too good for him! You can PM me anytime if you want to discuss family issues, since I can understand!

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Blue elephant]

Hi Amelia

 

Abusers will NEVER acknowledge their abuses. This goes for the perpetrators of incest and domestic violence as well as fundy religious abuse.

 

The best validation comes from living a life after you have left them and finding that you are happy and complete without all teir crap. And that you are well liked by friends and the community in general.

 

I don't think you should contemplate trying to keep in contact with family. Maybe in many, many years time, you will be able to mix with them in full realisation that they are small stunted individuals.

 

I think I mentioned that I had nothing to do with my fundy mother for about 6 years. After that, she was so happy to have me back in her life that it was definitely on my terms.

 

The best revenge is a happy life!

 

Keep in touch! You have something to be angry about!

[Amelia]

Hi Amelia

 

Abusers will NEVER acknowledge their abuses. This goes for the perpetrators of incest and domestic violence as well as fundy religious abuse.

 

The best validation comes from living a life after you have left them and finding that you are happy and complete without all teir crap. And that you are well liked by friends and the community in general.

 

I don't think you should contemplate trying to keep in contact with family. Maybe in many, many years time, you will be able to mix with them in full realisation that they are small stunted individuals.

 

I think I mentioned that I had nothing to do with my fundy mother for about 6 years. After that, she was so happy to have me back in her life that it was definitely on my terms.

 

The best revenge is a happy life!

 

Keep in touch! You have something to be angry about!

 

Hey Blue Elephant!

 

Thanks for your message. I know - abusers never validate the victims, so I am accepting of that fact. Over a year ago I started to accept that, and got into therapy to help with accepting that. It went well and I've come a long way since then.

 

Life is good anyway! Don't worry - I'm not even contemplating keeping in touch! No way in hell! I've been out of contact for over a year and it's going to stay like that. Unless they validate me and apologise - which is highly, highly unlikely - they won't hear from me ever. I won't talk to them or see them under any circumstances aside from that.

 

I don't want revenge...I just want to enjoy my life, and I am.

 

I do have something to be angry about, absolutely, but the good thing is, I have many, many more things to be happy about.

 

Would love to chat with you sometime!

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Amelia]

Sometimes cutting ties with family members is the best thing you could possibly do for yourself.

 

People don't seem to understand that you can't "just make up" after living through years of childhood abuse. It doesn't work that way.

 

My family has mellowed a lot too, but I keep considering cutting ties with them simply because the level of their denial has gone on for so long and is so deep that I'll just never really be a part of the family. Nobody's particularly an asshole about things anymore, they're just so much more interested in this shallow kind of appearance-oriented reality than actually knowing their children as individuals.

 

Anyway. It's okay to cut ties. You're not crazy.

 

Hey Gwen,

 

I absolutely agree with you that cutting ties could be the best thing you do! I know it was for me!

 

It is true that people just don't get that you can't just "get over it". It's years of abuse - it's not like you had an argument twenty years ago that you just cannot get over. That's different. My mother always said it was just a personality difference between my father and I, but how wrong she was!

 

It is great to hear that your family have mellowed a lot. I am sorry about their denial though. That hurts. Like I said before, it would be like me saying to my war veteran grandfather, "It's all in your mind the hell you went through in the war and the memories you have now - all in your head and not true! Get over it!" That would hurt him very much, so there is no way I would do that to him. He thinks it's okay for him to invalidate my experiences though at the hands of his son. Like I said earlier, I'll just let them believe in their delusion, but the only way I can do that is be exiting the equation altogether, which I have.

 

Keep me posted about your situation! Would love to hear from you!

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Amelia]

I feel for you. When I was a kid my sister verbally and physically abused me but there wasn't much I could do about it. My parents knew how she treated me but they allowed it. One time I called my mother when she was out of town and told her she needed to come home because my sister came after me with a knife. Had my friend not be there I might have been killed. I ended up staying with my friend until my parents came home.

 

Gawd! That is unbelievable! I can't believe your parents did nothing! That's disgusting!

 

It took me awhile to finally figure out that I don't have to accept that type of treatment just because she is my sister. I think the true turning point for me was about a year ago when she stated that she realized how badly she treated me when we were growing up. But she didn't apologize. When I told her I was glad she finally realized what she had done it would have been nice to have had an apology. She went off on me yelling and screaming (just like old times) and ended the conversation by saying you want an apology, "I'm sorry (said very nastily) now you have your apology".

 

Isn't it weird how the reality of the abuse really hits us years after? The abuse didn't really hit me until at least a year after I left home and got married. It is so weird! Your sister sounds mentally unstable. I don't mean to sound horrible, but seriously, she doesn't sound well.

 

I went through a period of self reflection just before that conversation with my sister. I realized that because of the type of person that I am I am mistreated by others and taken for granted. I never stood up for myself and would allow people to walk all over me. I made up my mind that I would not allow that to happen to me anymore. I think that my sister really thought that by her admitting that she treated me badly that I would just accept it and everything would be fine and I would go off into a corner somewhere lick my wounds and then come back for more. Not anymore I'm not. I'm not the one who treated her badly she treated me badly. All I wanted was a sincere apology.

 

I haven't cut her totally from my life but I have limited my contact with her and then it is only on a superficial basis.

 

Wow...I am so glad that you have taken this miserable situation and turned it into a positive, through your change, i.e. you don't take crap anymore! That's fantastic. When you leave the abuse and oppression, the real person comes out. At least that is how it was for me.

 

Talk soon!

Amelia

[Amelia]

I agree with the general sentiment here; sometimes, you need to cut the ties that bind. That said, it can be diffiult emotionally to get along in life without some kind of family for support; so why not start building your own family from scratch? There are many more people in the same boat as you who would be honoured to be thought of as your "Sister." There are thousands of unwanted and abused children, from similarly abusive homes, in need of truly loving parents. Forget about your biological family, and start on your "New" family built out of love and respect. Your own experience should be sufficient to demonstrate the need for genuinely caring and loving foster parents.

 

Hey There,

 

Thanks very much for your response! My husband's family is fantastic and things are great on that front. As for the toxic biological family, I can live without them quite well. It's been more than a year without them after all, and things are better for it! No more poison!

 

I'd love to adopt some honorary brothers and sisters!! Anybody interested at all? I'd be delighted to do this and help others through the same thing I've gone through.

 

I'd like to help children in need, but fostering isn't an option for us. I am going to help others through my experiences though, most definitely. Bad experiences help us relate to those in need I think, and get them through it.

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Amelia]

I can sympathize. That is not a family, that's a MOB. Stay away from them. I do NOT agree with the setiment to not cut them off and that they will come around. They WILL NEVER "come around". Ever. Once it's in their stupid little heads that you are a certain way, the WHOLE FAMILY will ALWAYS belive it. Why? To not be cut off from the family, of course! Just like the church, they have to maintain the belief so they can remain part of the group (family, church, etc.) and even some have to feel they have to act on it (ie. tell of Jesus, or abuse the victim in the family, etc.) to prove to the rest of the family that they are not siding with the black sheep, but are one of the family still, so not to get cut off from the family.

 

You're absolutely right about all of this! Of course they won't ever come good and see things from my side. They can have their delusion, since it's the only thing allowing them to sleep at night. If they come to reality, that would be too confronting and painful, so they would prefer to believe a lie and find comfort in a delusion.

 

 

I went through much the same with my family but before anything went too far, I took the attitude that if they aren't going to be civil to me, I won't even try to be friends. I'll just forget about them. I just minded my own. Those that still kept in touch know better than to even discuss such things with me if they still want to stay in contact with me.

 

Good move!! Now they have to do things on your terms.

 

The #1 mistake anyone can do in a family fued is discuss how they feel, believe it or not. This will only make you the "problem", it seems. Like you're trying to appeal to be part of the family but on YOUR terms. Families don't like that. It's their terms only or you're not included. Period. The reason for this is because they never KNEW you to begin with! Nope. You grew up with them, yes, but what they saw was what YOUR PARENTS WANTED THEM TO SEE! Not who you really were. (See my explaination above). So you're feelings will never be understood by them anymore than what a stranger who never knew you and/or never been through it themselves would understand (or even care). They are effectively "familiar strangers" meaning you saw them and communicated with them your entire life, but they never knew you and you never knew them.

 

Because they wouldn't LET you.

 

Sad but true. If you open up, they throw it right back at you. You're right - none of my 'family' know me at all. Plus I've been typecast, so to speak, as 'the kid', so that automatically means I'm wrong all the time.

 

So I just figure if they don't want to communicate on my terms, C'est La Vie. I won't even give them the pleasure of letting them know. They'll get the message when I never talk to them or anything. And if they are that low, they won't give a damn anyway. They'll probably be glad. Good on them.

 

Totally agree!!! At the end of the day, they have their delusion and that's all that counts to them!

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Amelia]

Amelia, are you Australian? You mention Adelaide. I live in Canberra. My husband is from Adelaide. Feel free to PM me re the peculiarities of Australian life.

 

Hey Blue Elephant,

 

I'm an Aussie! I'm in Sydney!

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[R. S. Martin]

Wow! Amelia, you said you would respond to all the replies but I did not count on it. I did not see how you could do it, given how many replies there were. I just took it as an expression of appreciation. I didn't know so many people are alienated or estranged from their families.

 

I've read dozens of books about self-improvement. That is what turned my life around. Counselors didn't work for me. My distrust of people was too deep. Then I did a university degree in social work (not the actual social work degree; just the foundation degree so I can go on and do the social work degree if I want to). I also have a significant number of religious studies courses and I am nearing the end of a degree in theology. All of this helps in a major way to figure out what happened to me and why. Just as important, it has put me in direct contact and working relationships with many decent and respectful people--profs, staff, and students.

 

What you say about the impact of abuse surfacing only after--that's a new idea for me. But I KNOW it has played a major role in how I relate to my profs and classmates. Fortunately, initially I made such an astonishing and amazing impression on everyone who came into contact with me that lots of people befriended me. It took me years to trust that it was real--that I was worthy of such respect.

 

But this thread is the first time I ever got involved in a support group or whatever on dealing with irredeemable family offenses. It's so good not to feel like a total freak for renouncing family. I've heard of cases where parents disowned children for breaking with tradtion but I did not know that more than the odd freak renounced family that professed a desire for a relationship. And then, like I mentioned above, there were these church people who helped me get out of the horse and buggy church, but they refused to believe the depth and severity of the problems that required immediate attention.

 

I ended up writing my own saga. It's a bit long, given that this is not my thread, so I cut it back considerably for this post. I posted the entire piece on my blog on this site for those who are interested.

[Amelia]

Wow! Amelia, you said you would respond to all the replies but I did not count on it. I did not see how you could do it, given how many replies there were. I just took it as an expression of appreciation. I didn't know so many people are alienated or estranged from their families.

 

Hi Ruby! Yeah, I surprised myself I think, considering my huge workload right now! Good to know that others are going through the same sort of thing.

 

I've read dozens of books about self-improvement. That is what turned my life around. Counselors didn't work for me. My distrust of people was too deep. Then I did a university degree in social work (not the actual social work degree; just the foundation degree so I can go on and do the social work degree if I want to). I also have a significant number of religious studies courses and I am nearing the end of a degree in theology. All of this helps in a major way to figure out what happened to me and why. Just as important, it has put me in direct contact and working relationships with many decent and respectful people--profs, staff, and students.

 

It's good to hear this. It sounds like you are growing a lot.

 

What you say about the impact of abuse surfacing only after--that's a new idea for me. But I KNOW it has played a major role in how I relate to my profs and classmates. Fortunately, initially I made such an astonishing and amazing impression on everyone who came into contact with me that lots of people befriended me. It took me years to trust that it was real--that I was worthy of such respect.

 

It is interesting for sure. I think whilst I was living with them, it remained suppressed, because there's no way I could have dealt with the reality of it then. I was stuck there with them, without choice. It all was hidden away in the back of my mind - yet to see the light of day. It has now though. It came out when it was safe - once I was gone for good from them. That's when the real me came out.

 

But this thread is the first time I ever got involved in a support group or whatever on dealing with irredeemable family offenses. It's so good not to feel like a total freak for renouncing family. I've heard of cases where parents disowned children for breaking with tradtion but I did not know that more than the odd freak renounced family that professed a desire for a relationship. And then, like I mentioned above, there were these church people who helped me get out of the horse and buggy church, but they refused to believe the depth and severity of the problems that required immediate attention.

 

I ended up writing my own saga. It's a bit long, given that this is not my thread, so I cut it back considerably for this post. I posted the entire piece on my blog on this site for those who are interested.

 

That's great to hear that this is the first time you have become involved with a support group of sorts. You're not a freak! I read your story as well, and there are similarities. Will talk to you about it later.

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Unknowing1]

Amelia,

 

Thanks for the reply. While it is upsetting to know the horrors others have gone through it is helpful to see how others have handled the experiences that they have been through.

 

I'm glad that you are able to deal with your situation and have realized that it is them with the issues and not you. You do not deserve that type of treatment and cutting ties is the best way to go. Continuing to try to work things out with them is not healthy for you. You will never change them.

 

I think that what I have gone through has made me a stronger and better person. And from what I can tell the same is true for most of the people who have participated in this discussion.

 

Debbie

[CyborgX]

I'm glad that this is helping you. I think it's also a help to me too as we both know we are not alone in this. That is also quite important.

 

I'll PM you from the board tonight.

[Amelia]

Amelia,

 

Thanks for the reply. While it is upsetting to know the horrors others have gone through it is helpful to see how others have handled the experiences that they have been through.

 

I'm glad that you are able to deal with your situation and have realized that it is them with the issues and not you. You do not deserve that type of treatment and cutting ties is the best way to go. Continuing to try to work things out with them is not healthy for you. You will never change them.

 

I think that what I have gone through has made me a stronger and better person. And from what I can tell the same is true for most of the people who have participated in this discussion.

 

Debbie

 

Hi Debbie,

 

Great to hear from you again! It is nice to know that I'm not the only person in the world who doesn't have biological family in their life! I know it might sound horrible a tad, but you get so sick of hearing about how wonderful everybody else has it, with their wonderful families. It's more the fact that these people just don't understand the kind of situation I'm in at all. It can be frustrating. I'm happy for them, but you know - it's good to know that I'm not the only one with a shitty biological family!

 

No, don't worry - I'm done with them! Happier for it too!

 

And yes, it's made me stronger as a person! I'm a better, happier person now.

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Amelia]

I'm glad that this is helping you. I think it's also a help to me too as we both know we are not alone in this. That is also quite important.

 

I'll PM you from the board tonight.

 

Hi Cyborg,

 

Thanks very much for this! Yes, we're all in this situation together aren't we? We're all becoming better, stronger people for it as well.

 

Thanks for the PM - I sent a reply!

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Amelia]

Hi Guys,

 

Before Christmas I got this letter from my mother (just a note the size of a postcard - nothing substantial) with a 'To and 'From' Xmas card. I didn't respond of course. Here's what I read:

 

Dear Amelia,

 

Hi, hope you are well. Just thought I would write a short note. It's been over a year now and I miss the phone chats we used to have. I will not ring you to have you hang up in my ear again. But I will be happy to receive a call from you any time. Or don't you want any communication at all?

 

This is really difficult, I don't even kjnow if you're at the same address, or if you will read this or reply.

 

Amelia, we will never agree on everything, but we are mother and daughter and should be able to talk generally on something.

 

Anyway hope you have a lovely Christmas and happy new year.

 

Your Loving Mum xxxx

 

-----

 

I found the letter to be quite bitter considering she knows damn well know what the issues are. To invalidate years of abuse by putting it all down to us 'not agreeing' is ridiculous.

 

Oh and that abuser father of mine has said JACK SHIT the whole time, so he knows damn well that he's guilty!!! He's probably getting off on hitting other kids at church now, since I'm not living under his roof anymore.

 

I won't respond, because I have decided to leave all of this in the past now. They won't own up to it, and just like to throw it all back at me - that I'm the bad one. Just check out the reference to me hanging up - like I'm the bad one!!

 

My mother called me a slut and never once did I sleep around before I got married. She just called me that because I went to the house of a male friend's family and didn't come home til the next day. We watched cable tv for fuck's sake, and she then calls me a slut seven years later. That was in our last phone call in Nov 05.

 

So, in wrapping this up, some people you just have to cut out altogether. I'm not having communication with any of them ever again. I'm so glad I have cut all ties with my biological family because they are TOXIC!!

 

Cheers,

Amelia

[Scarlett]

I know what it is like to have to cut ties with people who are toxic and abusive; most were family and some friends. I just find it profoundly sad and wish I had more of a family then I do. Despite my family's abuse during my childhood I still have tried to be get close to them, but it always backfires. It just doesn't some worth it because nearly every conversation is invalidating and being around them just brings up too many bad memories. Yet I still have a hard time of it all because part of me still wants to be close to them.

 

I know some people have tried telling me that family is always there when you need them, bullshit, when I needed them most they weren't there (and still aren't). I remember my Mom thought my family would be there for me when she died, but even then they weren't, quite a few never sent any sort of sympathy card. I also had to put up with quite a very nasty comments about where unbelievers (like my mom) go when they die during the funeral. I just feel very alone when I think about the whole thing now because basically the only one in my family that never mistreated or abused me in any way is gone forever. And I resent that I am stuck with a bunch of very cold hearted family members.

 

None of my siblings would ever admit to their physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. When I do bring it up, I get accused of holding grudges or they flat out deny it ever happened. When I try talking to some of the other family, they don't believe me or tell me that I must have brought it on myself. I can empathize with you, Amelia.

 

 

 

I think you are doing the right thing and are very brave.

[mwc]

Amelia,

 

I just have to ask, are you seeing a professional therapist or are you just trying to deal with all this on your own (not counting us online folks)?

 

The reason I mention it is because I see so much anger in you over this issue and if you're not seeing someone I really think that you would benefit from it. I personally did not see the bitterness that you did when reading those same words but I can see how you arrived at them. I'm not going to tell you to speak with your mother...odds are things would fall right back into their olds patterns even if at the beginning they seemed different...but I am saying that your absence has affected her on some level. You need to do what is right for you, however, and perhaps, down the road a bit, you can get her to join you in therapy. A third party might be able to get her to see what you've never been able to. If not, then at least you're taking care of yourself and really ridding yourself of that anger. I practically lived on rage alone for the year 2005 and it just doesn't do you any good.

 

I wish you well whatever you decide to do with this advice.

 

mwc

[roman]

In many a fundamentalist Xian family, biological connections equate to ownership. This almost always comes from the patriarchal male. Don't allow it. Don't allow yourself to be owned by abusive relatives.

 

Sometimes, a family is a bedrock good thing; sometimes not. There's no rule of thumb in this; it's all about individuals.

 

Don't let them own you. Your life is your own, and you get only one go'round. Go your own way. Submission to others leads to misery in later life. That's my advice, and this is the position of RRCANNA. Even my own advice is no good, if it's no good for you. You must evaluate everything according to your own needs.

 

Truth rings like a bell; lies sound like cowflops. I learned this from my own Teacher, Stephen Gaskin.

 

My Very Best To You.

 

roman

Don Harthcock, President

Rock & Roll Church of All Nations

[R. S. Martin]

MCW, I too could not see the bitterness in the immediate words of the letter. However, when I put it in context of the deeper meaning as Amelia has told her story, I can see that she cannot accept the letter. On the surface it sounds very loving. But considering that this woman has encouraged her husband's abuse of Amelia gives the picture a drastically different colour. That makes it look like laying on guilt trips par excellence. Emotional manipulation like all get-out. This woman knows she committed a crime but refuses to admit it. That in and of itself is insult added to injury. It is rubbing salt into the wound.

 

That letter sounds EXACTLY like the things my mother will say and write. My mother will apologize for "where I failed. I am such a poor failure-prone person. I make so many mistakes. I beg for forgiveness." That is the sort of thing she will say for things that happened decades ago. She will not, for the life of her, confess that perhaps she is at the moment committing a crime against me. If I so much as draw her attention to it, she will turn defensive and even blame me for her abuse of me.

 

Another thing that grabbed my attention was Amelia's response to her mother's accusation of Amelia hanging up on her. I don't remember the story well enough to know exactly what that is about but I know that these sorts of things become symbolic of larger issues. I cannot psychoanalyze people from this distance. I do know that after a lifetime of severe abuse major amounts of residual anger remain for a long time. This does not mean that it is enough to keep a person from living a normal life and living life to the full. It means that things like this note from her mom can trigger the anger very seriously.

 

If Amelia is at all like myself, she needs loving support more than exhortations to "get help." These exhortations become weapons in the hands of people who cannot handle the anger. As such, they simply add to the abuse and hurt. MCW, I will let Amelia speak for herself because she is very capable of doing this but my suggestion would be that the advice was uncalled for.

[Amelia]

Hey Guys,

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

I spent quite a lot of time in counselling and therapy last year and got a lot out of it. I don't have the anger unless I am in their presence or in contact. I'm not now though, so I have moved on and have a new life that is great.

 

I guess to some the letter might not have seemed a bit bitter...but it was kinda bitter, when you see that things were thrown back at me a bit. I guess you would need to really know my situation, and know the people in question to see that. I had two choices: to feel upset by that and engage her with a reply or just let it go and forget about it. I chose the latter.

 

I know that rage isn't good, but mine's out now.

 

The family stuff doesn't have an impact on my day to day life now like it did when this was all happening and when I came to the realization of the stuff that was happening. You acknowledge and you move on. I've moved on, so it's all good now.

 

I just thought I'd share the final chapter of the story so to speak, since I have decided now not to contact any of them again.

 

 

Thanks!

Amelia

[Shaman]

The tree of life is like this... God, your parents then you...if you can not deal with god then at least deal with your family but if your family is not even a part of the equation then it is now all up to you.

 

Shamanism is my way of life and I will do a ritual for you as I will try to travel back to the underworld to communicate with your dead ancestors to see what is their take on this.

 

The living is bullchitting with you so mightest well ask the dead for guildance

 

Just helping you out with the ying and the yang to balance yourself out.

[Amelia]

Hey Shaman,

 

Thanks for your response! It will be interesting to see what you come up with.

 

Cheers,

Amelia