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CelloChick

Christians Are Sicker Than Me

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I’m new. I spent several hours reading anti-testimonies and figured I’d tell my own story. I became a born again mega church attending fundie in 1994. Just typing that is making me want to pound my head against a wall…

 

Anyhow, here’s how I got sucked into church. In 1994, my husband and I were invited to attend a mega church with a friend of his from work. So, we went. The mega church had an orchestra and I play the cello professionally. Up until 1994, I played classical music. The thought of playing something different never occurred to me, until I heard the mega church orchestra for the first time. Drums, electric guitars and an orchestra! WOW! I wanted to play THAT music. Now, I should have known I was sticking my head in a guillotine when I had to INTERVIEW with the conductor, instead of audition. That should have been a clue that something was really wrong. But, I didn’t put the pieces together. I had to be a fundie to play in the orchestra. Fine, I can become a fundie, just let me play.

 

So, I joined the mega church orchestra. Now, I had no background in the Christian church whatsoever. Joining the orchestra felt like being invited to a party, only no one told me it was a costume party, so I showed up wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. Everyone else was wearing elaborate costumes. I felt out of place, somehow. Like I didn’t quite belong. It felt like there was some unspoken code that I was supposed to know about, but didn’t. Still, the music was great fun to play, so I did my best to blend in. It all worked well until disaster struck.

 

Two days after Easter 1997, I woke up and I was blind. Not spiritually blind. Literally blind. The muscles in my eyes went haywire. I couldn’t focus. I had double vision. And I couldn’t control the way my eyes moved. The muscles in my right eye cramped. Exactly like the cramp that rockets you out of bed at night, only in the eye where you can’t stretch it. It felt like an invisible wine cork screw was in my eye and some unseen hand was trying to yank out my eyeball like a cork. Pain that had me screaming in agony. Not for a moment, but 24/7 for 14 straight months. Morphine didn’t touch the pain. It nearly drove me to suicide. And the whole time I tried to figure out what I did that was so terrible, god would test me like this. I wondered why god wasn’t healing me. I’d read all the stories about Jesus healing people. And there I was losing my eye sight and Bible god didn’t heal me. I prayed all the time, but I was still in agony. My nickname at church was… Job. And I felt like Job. Tormented by god for no good reason.

 

Fourteen months and 17 doctors later I was diagnosed with a rare, progressive, incurable neuromuscular disease. One of those nightmare disease that only affects 100,000 people on earth. As soon as I was diagnosed, I got medicine that stopped the pain in my eye and restored my sight almost instantly. I’d thank god, but I’m gonna thank Science I got my eye sight back and the pain stopped! I was dancing a jig until two weeks later. Two weeks later, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was 29. My tumor was in my chest, right above my heart. I survived a chest cracking, rib spreading surgery to remove it. Part of my tumor was wrapped around my aorta twice. Am I alive because of god healing me? No. I’m alive because a gifted surgeon painstakingly removed the tumor for nine and a half hours. It took me two years to recover from surgery. I didn’t bounce back. I crawled back.

 

After I recovered from surgery, my rare illness slowly eroded my body. I’m now a part time powerchair user. I’m gradually losing the ability to chew and swallow food and will eventually lose the ability to breathe on my own. I'm slowly dying. There is no cure. I’m 37 and I don’t know if I’m going to outlive my 4-year-old assistance dog. Now, you would hope that the mega church going Christians would have come beside me with deep Christian love and concern, but they didn’t. They lovingly told me, “god never gives you more than you can handle.” “god must know you’re a strong person to test you like this.” “Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Just believe that god has a better plan.” “You can’t be angry at god. The pot cannot tell the potter he’s doing it wrong.” “Remember. The Bible says, I can do all things through christ who gives me strength.” “You have to trust god’s will for your life.”

 

I had a fundie lecture me for 2 straight hours that I wasn’t showing enough faith. “You need to thank god for this storm. Because the storms of life blow us right into the Lord’s lap.” Ew. What a cruel crock of shit! Oh, it all made me want to scream, “If cancer, and blindness, and unbearable pain, and progressive, incurable, fatal, illness is god’s will for my life, GOD CAN FUCK HIMSELF! GOD CAN CRAM HIS TWISTED PLAN WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!” People just kept spouting this crap, as if that was going to comfot me. It pissed me off beyond words. The cruelty of my fate made me doubt the existence of god. The cruelty of my so-called brothers and sisters in the church cemented it. I left the christian dysfunctional family in 2001.

 

Now here I am, away from the influence of the church and I have more peace in my life now than ever. I’m still fighting to survive, though. I’m a permanent chemotherapy patient. It’s the only thing that slows down the progression of my neuromuscular disease. I’m bald. I’m losing my eyebrows and eyelashes. The chemo makes me puke when the anti-nausea drug cocktail doesn’t quite work. I'm sick one week a month. I’ve had 22 cycles of high dose IV chemo and I’m gonna survive the next 22 cycles of chemo. And the next 22 after that. The chemo makes it possible for me to see and eat and breathe and play the cello. The chemo saved my life and my cello, so again thank Science I’m still alive.

 

I work as an inspirational speaker, composer, and solo cellist, a career that is my bliss. I’m about to record my first CD. And I do it all without relying on Bible god. My life is so much easier since I left the church. I don’t spin in circles wondering why, why, why. My illness is no longer a theological hot potato. It is, what it is. I’ve blended illness into my life like stirring lemon into tea. It flavors my life with a bitter sting, but I’m not bitter about being ill. Illness isn't the center of my life. Laughing and playing cello is the center of my life. However, I AM bitter about how I was treated at church.

 

Right now, I live my life between chemo treatments. How long I have left, I don’t know. I just know I’m living my life as I want. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life praying for bible god to heal me. I don’t want to waste my time jumping through hoops trying to figure out the combination to unlock god’s mercy. I create my own mercy. I’ve learned to be merciful to myself. To calm, comfort and care for myself. To grieve fully. To host a pity party whenever I need one. I’ve learned how to meltdown and then get up and dance again. I spend more of my life laughing than grieving. I’ve learned to handle this disaster in my own strength. I can handle this mess through my own self-determination, inner wholeness and knowledge of who I really am. I’ve survived cancer and battled a terminal illness for nine years and I can do it for nine more. One thing I don’t need is worrying about Bible god’s will for my life and his crazy followers cramming empty platitudes down my throat. That sucked worse than getting sick in the first place. I swear those people were sicker than me.

 

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.

 

CelloChick

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Hi there CelloChick, I hope you are having a good holiday, in spite of the physical problems you are facing. I cannot say I know how you feel, because I have not had the misfortune to have to survive from cancer or muscular problems. It does seem to be so unfair in life. I had an uncle who contracted polio when he was only 12 years old (1953) and he had so many physical problems from that time until he died in 1996. He was only expected to live to be 30 years old, but he made it to 55 years. I think a lot of it had to do with his attitude of positive thinking. Not saying that was all there was, but there seems to be evidence to show that those who have a better attitude tend to get through things easier. I can see that in you as well. You are determined to survive, and I know it can be done.

 

The last thing you needed from those Christards was an excuse from them as to why "God" was too busy to help you get better. Isn't it great to rely on other people who DO help us than a god who isn't there? I only hope I can have that same can do attitude when and if the time comes that I am going through that type of situation. I've struggled with depression and what makes it worse is I'm not even physically sick yet, but I sometimes anticipate it happening and if I can get down while I"m healthy, I tell myself how much worse would I feel if I got sick?

 

I just want you to know you are surrounded by friends here and we are here to talk with and cry with. Life is all about surviving and some of us have been given a bigger obstacle than others. I am also grateful to doctors and scientists who make the pain go away and what pisses the hell out of me is when Christians say that even though the doctor does the surgery or the scientist creates the painkiller, it is God doing it. That makes me wonder, did God help them cheat on their tests in college to be able to become a doctor or scientist?

 

I try to take strength from my wife. She has always been deaf and had a hard life because of her family, but I try to be like her. She overcomes what would frustrate most people and I am glad to see there are lots of people out there who do the same with whatever life throws at them. Just wanted to point out that your story encourages me to face whatever happens head on. Thank you for writing on the forum!

 

Have a wonderful yule holiday.

 

Matt

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CelloChick, welcome.

 

I just want to say that you are an amazing person to deal with your illness with the dignity and outlook that you have. You are an inspiration to us all!

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It's funny. They'd probably tell you that god is giving you the strength to withstand your struggles. That's one thing I hate about christians: there is absolutely nothing they can't twist to fit into their dogma. And what's worse, they don't recognize the intellectual dishonesty of doing so. I mean, I can defend their arguments as well as if not better than they can, but I realize it's just my imagination that allows me to come up with those things.

 

That said, it's admirable how you have learned to deal with your situation. Even more so considering that you have not been forced by it to turn back to christianity. I think a lot of people would consider going back after all you've been through.

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Ms Chick...

 

I too have managed to find myself in the clutches of the medical.mechanical.drug.machine with my life and body.

 

The good folks from religion.r.us ask often if "Have you prayed for help???!!????"

 

Your post is quite similar to my reactions to the good hearted fools who insist 'GawD' is "gonna help".

 

Find yourself welcome here at ExC and join in. Appreciate another excapee from the clutches of the Taliborn.

 

kevinL

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I bet Job is your favorite book. Just kidding. Sheesh! That is some story and I've read a few. Your experience is some of the best anecdotal evidence that prayer doesn't work that I've come across. Welcome to the board. Hope you find some sort of comfort here.

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CelloChick...you go girl! Thank you for sharing your ex-mony with all of us here. I'm so sorry for everything that you are going through but your attitude and strength shines through and that will definately carry far.

 

Glad to have you here.

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Yes it's bad and also sad how some christians react when people go through things like you have. I almost wish that some of your old christian 'friends' could have been in your shoes. Then they'd realise that all this "God will never give you more than you can handle" business is a load of crap.

 

But it's great that you've got such a good attitude. Also good to have a fellow musician on board (I play the saxophone). I am also a big fan of classical music.

 

Welcome to the forum

Andy

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CelloHottie, er Babe, I mean Chick...

 

I read this *very* early this morning and really didn't think I'd reply to it. I'm new to this particular site, but then again you are too. Anyway, your story is incredible, and I just sat here at my computer here in my studio and thought to myself, "Wow!"

 

I've had similar experiences with church folks, and in fact it was an experience similar to yours that was the "last straw" for me and my wife to finally dump christianity.

 

Three years ago in October I was diagnosed with a relatively rare disease that affects the heart. To make a long story short, it makes the heart much less efficient than a normal person's and can progress right into heart failure. I had already been feeling completely like shit for months, then I wind up in the CCCU and am told that if I don't take a bunch of medication, I would likely be dead in six months. At age 32, I thought my life was over.

 

Did the church care? Nope. We lived two blocks from the church. We could throw a stone at it. My wife and family was still attending at that point, but I had left some months earlier for various reasons, not the least of which was some very serious corruption. My wife asked them to, but no one ever darkened our door to visit me in the months I was laid up. Apparently, people who are "apostate" aren't worthy of anything, not even a well-wish, a visit when they are sick, and probably not even a prayer. Basically I was told that I was sick because of sin.

 

It's been a three year battle of doctors, medications, living on Social Services for a time, but as of two months ago my doctors told me I was "a miracle." My heart is nearly completely healed. Do I attribute that to God? Not biblegod, I can tell you that.

 

You sound like a wonderful person who has been dealt some really, really heavy stuff in life. Your situation is not because of sin or anything like that. It is what it is, as you said. Funny, I like to use that phrase too. I can't even begin to imagine what you have gone through and continue to go through. All I can do is reach through my keyboard and give you a big bear hug and send the most positive thoughts your way.

 

Hang in there hon, and hold tight to the people in your life that love you.

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Wow..

Welcome to the boards.. that is an amazing story of courage you have and to have to deal with crazy people on top of that..

 

Hope you are having a nice christmas.

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I just can't believe what you've been through and still you have such a positive outlook. I'm recovering from cancer myself, and am all to familiar with the after affects of chemo and radiation.

 

I'm just now able to see some future, and it's been about two and half years, so your story is such an inspiration. I admit I had to stop reading twice in the first couple paragraphs and weep. It just brought back so many memories, and I just felt so bad for you. As I struggled through the rest of your story I thought you are just a couragous person.

 

I remember the IV chemo drip, I was on a five day 24 hr feed. I would then go home for 3 weeks, and that's when it became hard. Weakness, nausea and all around shitty feeling. I did that for 5 cycles. Then I had to have radiation. I lost around 50 lbs, good thing I was overweight at the time....lol, but have since recovered. I can't believe you go through that with regularity.

 

I don't know if anyone can really understand how horrible that is, but it's pure hell if there ever was one.

 

Take care Cellochick and welcome!

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Hi cellochick. It's an honor.

 

An incredibly poignant, courageous testimony. You are an inspiration.

 

Not too many here will try and give you some phony crap about finding the deeper purpose in your afflictions. And most of us share your disdain for those who would callously attempt to make sense of this by cramming it into their narrow little theological worldview.

 

Welcome to ex-c. You're among friends.

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Hello Cellochick,

 

Yes, it's an honor to have you here. I read your story a couple of times, not know how to respond. You courage, bravery, and positive attitude come shining through in every word. I'm so glad that you found your way here and we get to meet you, even if it's through the internet.

 

I was wondering if the mega church you speak of is Willow Creek? It has it's tallons firmly clutching the Chicago area, Northern Illinois, and even into Wisconsin. They are a freaking cult, but than all evangelical churches are.

 

Again, welcome.

 

Taph

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Hi everyone!

 

Wow! Thanks so much for making me feel welcome. Such a relief after all the pious crap I put up with for years. Leaving the Christian church was the best thing I could have done for myself emotionally. I don't need people telling me how to suffer correctly. I know my body and I know what works for me. If I didn't, I'd be dead! Instead, I'm still alive and dancing.

 

To my fellow cancer survivor, Jella.... YOU ROCK!!! Five cycles of chemo the way you had it is NO SMALL THING! Holy crap, I don't know if I could stand it. I know how crappy chemo makes me feel. Having that shit in my body constantly pumping would drain me like a flashlight left on overnight. I'm such a chemo wuss compared to that. Plus radiation? I honor your courage, your strength and moxie.

 

My chemo is just a four hour infusion on a Monday. Followed by a week of feeling like shit and lying on the couch in an anti nausea meds induced haze. Then I have three weeks of feeling well enough to have a life. Then it's chemo Monday and the next cycle starts. 22 times sounds like a lot, and it is a lot, but... that's way easier than the five cycles of hell juice that you endured. And coping with radiation on top of it all. WOW am I proud of you! Hugs from me. Dance a jig, you survived cancer! I'm dancing with you.

 

Thanks for all the nice things you all said about my attitude. It took years, but I learned not to let disease be the most important thing about me. It's on the edges, and I don't live on the edges.

 

The important things...

 

I'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend. I love my cello. I love music. Cooking. Computers, video games, my iPod and various assorted electronic gadgets. I love chocolate. Red wine. Tea. I love reading. Dog training. Sci-fi on TV and the NFL. I'd rather spend my life cheering on the home team than whining about how cold it is in the bleachers. It's supposed to be cold and wet sometimes. It's like that in nature and life is like that, too. But, I'm still free to whine whenever I need to. I'm free because I set myself free. I discovered the power of being authentic to myself. Except for when it sucks, my life totally rocks. Not because I'm on my knees worrying about heaven when I die. My life rocks because I have life NOW. And now counts.

 

So do you all. Thanks for the welcome.

 

CelloChick

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Followed by a week of feeling like shit and lying on the couch in an anti nausea meds induced haze.

 

Can you smoke pot as an alternative?

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Followed by a week of feeling like shit and lying on the couch in an anti nausea meds induced haze.

 

Can you smoke pot as an alternative?

 

I keep getting asked this! Makes me crack up laughing. No, I don't smoke pot. I tried it. It helped a little, but it doesn't work as well as people think. The antinausea combo I'm on keeps me from puking 95% of the time. Not bad. And the anti-nausea drugs have several pleasant effects. Like being really relaxed and mellow and a bit hazy on the details. Mostly, I sleep.

 

The shitty part of chemo comes from this horrible metalic taste I have in my mouth. It's chemo screwing with the cells inside my nose and mouth that changes how stuff tastes and smells. It lasts all week and I can't do anything about it. I'm also tired out and I have the chills for a few days. That's the shitty part. The nausea is under control.

 

Thanks for asking!

 

And yes, it was Willow Creek Community Fundie Factory. Loved the orchestra, wow that was fun. No regrets on that part. It was a blast getting to play cello with electric guitars and drums. Now I realize I can go to an open mike night at a bar and jam any night of the week if I feel the need. Hmmmmmm, think I might just do that sometime soon.

 

I had a good laugh this morning realizing if Jack and the Beanstalk was in the Bible, people would believe it was 100% true.

 

CelloChick

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I had a good laugh this morning realizing if Jack and the Beanstalk was in the Bible, people would believe it was 100% true.

 

Hah! Just had to say it, greatline, Cello... :HaHa:

 

Welcome to the forums. After reading your moving testimony, you are indeed an inspiration. Very best wishes for you in 2007.

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To my fellow cancer survivor, Jella.... YOU ROCK!!! Five cycles of chemo the way you had it is NO SMALL THING! Holy crap, I don't know if I could stand it. I know how crappy chemo makes me feel. Having that shit in my body constantly pumping would drain me like a flashlight left on overnight. I'm such a chemo wuss compared to that. Plus radiation? I honor your courage, your strength and moxie.

 

My chemo is just a four hour infusion on a Monday. Followed by a week of feeling like shit and lying on the couch in an anti nausea meds induced haze. Then I have three weeks of feeling well enough to have a life. Then it's chemo Monday and the next cycle starts. 22 times sounds like a lot, and it is a lot, but... that's way easier than the five cycles of hell juice that you endured. And coping with radiation on top of it all. WOW am I proud of you! Hugs from me. Dance a jig, you survived cancer! I'm dancing with you.

 

I was young at the time (40) so they gave me the strongest Chemo possible. Right after my second cycle, we had to take my Mom to the hospital for a broken hip. (Memorial Day, May 25) That's when they found the Cancer. My poor brothers, me in the hospital on Chemo, and now Mom. During my forth cycle my Mom was taken from the nursing home, to the hospital as she had a stroke. They let me out of my cycle ( something that is rarely done) on the 3rd day, and I went to see her. I asked her if she wanted me to go back and finish my cycle, and she nodded yes. I finished the cycle on Sunday, so my bro picked me up and we went directly to the hospital she was at. She was in rough shape, and at 7am the next morning (July 26) she died. Those final two months went by quick, and as sick as I was I was not able to spend much time with her at the nursing home. I was weak and sick, and it bothered me that I wasn't able to spend all that time by her side. I began to blame myself for allowing myself to get sick, and not being there when she needed me most.

 

It's taken this long after 2 and half years, to begin to heal myself emotionally. I'm sure women have a bond with their mothers, but something about a guy and his mother's bond that is so strong. I read a book during this time of stories written by gay men about their mothers. It helped me deal with it much better.

 

Take care, and know that I am with you all the way in this fight. Your in good company with this board.

 

Chris

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I'm eight years post cancer. It took me six years to put that behind me. It's such a hugh lifequake when you see black circles on x-ray film and hear the word cancer. It just shakes everything to the core.

 

I've learned that grief is a broken spiral. You grieve, and pause, then find yourself grieving all over again. And then there's another pause. More grief. Each little piece of grief brings you out of the spiral, and the pauses get longer. But there's always more grief. It's a sucky process.

 

Sorry to hear about your mom. My mom has cancer and I have to write her an email explaining getting a surgically implanted chemotherapy port to her. I have a port-a-cath in my chest, and she needs one. So, I'm gonna have to be my mother's rock. And it's tough on me. Good thing I'm tougher.

 

CelloChick

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Welcome! I just wanted to post to say what an inspiration what you have written is. Thank you for posting this.

 

You seem like such an amazingly strong person, and I always like to hear from others who live life better thanks to leaving Christianity. It sounds like you are living a very full life, and that is more than most people can say. I think you will get more out of your shortened life full of hardship than most get out of a long life with few things to grieve about, because you know who you are and you live as that person. Most don't, as I am sure you know.

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Thanks for all the nice things you all said about my attitude. It took years, but I learned not to let disease be the most important thing about me. It's on the edges, and I don't live on the edges.

 

The important things...

 

I'm a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend. I love my cello. I love music. Cooking. Computers, video games, my iPod and various assorted electronic gadgets. I love chocolate. Red wine. Tea. I love reading. Dog training. Sci-fi on TV and the NFL. I'd rather spend my life cheering on the home team than whining about how cold it is in the bleachers. It's supposed to be cold and wet sometimes. It's like that in nature and life is like that, too. But, I'm still free to whine whenever I need to. I'm free because I set myself free. I discovered the power of being authentic to myself. Except for when it sucks, my life totally rocks. Not because I'm on my knees worrying about heaven when I die. My life rocks because I have life NOW. And now counts.

That is big.

 

I've had it lucky and easy - no illnesses, no worries, long marriage, great kids. So I guess there's no way I can come close to understanding, but those paragraphs - wow.

 

Can I quote that in my blog? An attitude like that needs to be shared.

 

Welcome, and as the french say to racing cyclists when they've done well "chapeau". Hats off to you.

 

Best regards

 

Stew

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I've been following this thread. Thanks so much for sharing, esp. the part about unanswered prayer and getting on with life in such a superb attitude WITHOUT god. This is the type of stories I need to counteract the christians who think they have all life's answers down pat. They make it sound like we can't deal with the real problems of life unless we share their beliefs. They think miraculous healing is the result of prayer. You know all this shit which probably is why you told your story the way you did. On another forum I read an atheist's story about being pronounced dead by the doctors, then getting up and walking. THESE THINGS HAPPEN REGARDLESS OF BELIEF. Which makes god superfluous.

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I’m new. I spent several hours reading anti-testimonies and figured I’d tell my own story. I became a born again mega church attending fundie in 1994. Just typing that is making me want to pound my head against a wall…

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It truly is encouraging to hear how you've handled the serious problems in your life without Christianity. Now there's a testimony every Christian really needs to hear!

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CelloChick, you are truly an embodiment of both the beauty of strength, and the strength of beauty! I am humbled by your ability to persevere through such adversity. My troubles pale in comparison to what you have been and are currently going through. I am glad you are able to shine and express your creativity and glad you enjoy life. You are truly an inspiration to everyone.

 

I am also glad you were able to see through the BS and platitudes the Xtians gave you to meet their own selfish need to preserve their worldview. Instead you found inner strength and support from those who truly love and care for you. I am sure that you know more about love and life than the fair-weather "friends" you had in the Xtian "fellowship".

 

As for dealing with the Xtians in my own family. I think I have made some progress during Xmas during dinner. After they thanked the bahble gawd for all their blessings, I pointed out that much of what they considered blessings were more likely due to luck, as otherwise, it implies that those with hardships were somehow cursed (or cursed more than they if you buy into that original sin crap, which I don't). They agreed they did not deserve god's favor more than those suffering in Darfur and elsewhere. I am getting them to see that the loving god of the bible that intervenes in daily affairs doesn't exist. They even agreed with me when I said that people just get a kick to attributing their good luck to being especially favored by god. I guess I am going to turn them into deists, but I suppose anything's an improvement over Southern Baptist! :shrug:

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CelloChick

 

Wow. I can't add anything to what has been said so eloquently by others about your spirit and strength.

 

I'm humbled to be in such company. Welcome to the forums.

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