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I feel foolish, cheated and angry


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Sent in by SLM

 

I'm writing this to help me, if it helps someone else that would be great.

 

I'm not a writer and I have very little formal education, so please look over the mistakes. I joined ex-Christian in August 06. I'll be 50 years old in March. I'm ashamed that it took me so long to open my eyes. Here's my story as briefly as possible.

 

I was raised in a Pentecostal home. We went to Church of God, Assembly of God, Free holiness, where ever there was shouting and speaking in tongues. My mother was raised Baptist. Her father was a Baptist preacher. She changed to Pentecostal for my Dad. We were very poor when I was a child, (poor white trash) and we lived in rural Alabama. The churches I attended were like those you see in the documentaries about "snake handlers", only we didn't handle snakes. I hated church. As a little child I had people fall on top of me going slain in the Spirit. I used to make fun of people speaking in tongues, shun ditty eye cun ditty eye? They said the same words every time. My Dad played the guitar and preachers loved him because he could really get people stirred up, but when he stopped getting attention at one church we would move to another or he would just backslide for awhile. He had an affair with my Sunday school teacher and we stopped church all together for a while. I got saved and filled with the spirit during a revival at 11 years old. I thought this evangelist was the holiest man I'd ever met until I found out he was screwing both my older sisters and several other women in the church. My oldest sister told on him and he got kicked out of the COG, which some of the women still to this day 40 years later hold against my sister. I still believed. We were not allowed to cut our hair, wear makeup, wear shorts or pants, go to movies, ballgames, etc. My first boyfriend was one of 14 children in a home that the father didn't allow even a TV. 14 kids, I guess they believed in screwing. Anyway, everything good was God, anything bad was Satan. Hell was as real to me as anything I knew. It was pounded into my brain much more than any love of God. I heard preachers many times use scare tactics like God could take someone you love to get you saved.

 

My Mom and Dad divorced, He left us for another woman. I got married at 14 to an abusive man of 22. After 2 years of beatings I married an agnostic asshole. I started church again and this time I felt I had been called to preach! Of course I thought my husband was Satan, but he was just an asshole. But to get understanding that I couldn't get at home I got very close to the Pastor of my church, we had an affair. After that I quit again, divorced, married him back, divorced married 3 more times. I had 4 kids with 4 different fathers. All turned out to be great in spite of how screwed up I was and still am to some degree. During those years I kept searching. I read Edgar Cayce, hung around with some "new age" folks, believed in reincarnation for a while, meditated, and drank a lot of alcohol. I went to rehab 3 times. My "higher power" failed me. I actually said I didn't believe in God at an aa meeting and almost got my ass whipped by all the sanctimonious drunks there. So I went back to prayer and beating myself up for not being good enough for Gods help. I did quit drinking only after marrying an alcoholic that I'm married to now. He has just started church and God is helping him quit, except for that slip on New Years eve, but God is still working on him. God don't work on holidays I suppose. Sort of like civil service maybe.

 

My oldest son (27) has been an atheist since high school. He has been gently leading me to the truth and this year it finally hit me. I started reading about the history of Christianity, about the lack of historical evidence of Jesus. What really done it for me was the Apocrypha and finding out that the books of the" inspired" gospels were picked by some priest to go into the book that I had always considered so Holy, and that there were more gospels that were left out, didn't make the cut.

 

Now its all so clear and I feel foolish, cheated and angry. My father is 77 years old and I can't stand to talk to him because all he talks about is God and how Satan is trying to tear him down. This is not as easy as it would have been if I had de-converted at 20. I'm surrounded by it, married to it, drowning in it. It would be easier if I was still brainwashed. Religion is evil. It has screwed me up and left its scars. But at least now I know the truth and I can never go back to the fantasy. There is and never was a god. No life after death. No hell, no crutch to lean on, no Satan to blame. Just me. I have to hurry up and live before it's all gone.http://exchristian.net/testimonies/2007/01...-and-angry.html

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Guest hunibear

My heart goes out for you. You were hurt, and have the right to be hurt. About five years ago I also had a crossroads with my beliefs. I also had been churched since birth. It is hard to take a real look at something that has been a part of your whole life, your whole being. Just know I am feeling for you.

 

 

<em>Sent in by SLM</em>

 

 

 

I'm writing this to help me, if it helps someone else that would be great.

 

 

I'm not a writer and I have very little formal education, so please look over the mistakes. I joined ex-Christian in August 06. I'll be 50 years old in March. I'm ashamed that it took me so long to open my eyes. Here's my story as briefly as possible.

 

 

I was raised in a Pentecostal...

...No hell, no crutch to lean on, no Satan to blame. Just me. I have to hurry up and live before it's all gone.

 

http://exchristian.net/testimonies/2007/01...-and-angry.html

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  • 4 weeks later...

SLM, congratulations for getting out. Don't beat yourself up for come to the truth so late. I'm also fifty. I think the deeper and more profound the abuse we suffer--and your's qualifies for this--the more difficult it is to see it for what it is, and the more difficult it is to get out of it. Know this: YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL HURT.

 

When I got to the point where I discovered that I had a right to be hurt--that was quite a revelation for me. It helped me get a better perspective on how really and truly crappy my life had been. I hope you join the forums if you have not already done so. I don't remember seeing your name.

 

And please! you are not foolish. You just feel that way because you have been cheated. The wool has been pulled over your eyes. Given the background you come from, I think only a really intelligent person could ever have come to see the situation for what it is. A cheat.

 

In your life you have been made to feel that it's your fault if you get cheated. NOT SO. The cheater just doesn't want to own his or her sin. So it's easier to blame the victim. And it sounds like you have been a victim of life! You're not the only life-long victim on here. There's a number of us and not all of us are 20 anymore.

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My heart goes out to you also, SLM. A deconversion after a long life of being led around and let down by the Xian religion is always a hard thing. I wasted 27+ years in Xianity, and flushed about 10-11 years of that down the toilet stubbornly trying to find all possible reasons to believe in it in the face of facts.

 

I feel foolish and cheated also, but I realize my life now is what matters. I can make amends for my past to myself by living rightly in the present according to the values and concepts I know to be true. I strive to improve myself, to always remain balanced and open-minded, to seek wisdom and honor and to never again chase the rainbows promised by anyone, be they religious leaders of any stripe or otherwise.

 

I lament my past, wasted in the service of one of the most wicked gods ever made by man, but I can atone for that by living rightly now and resolving to always do so. It's the best any of us can do.

 

I wish you luck, and perhaps we'll see you around, sometime :)

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Hello SLM, and welcome!

 

 

What the others said! Congratulate yourself on leaving the death cult,

and leave the past in the past. What's important now is to live life to

the fullest. I wish you the best in your continuing journey!

 

 

 

:wave:

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wow. i started crying when i read your story. my heart goes out to your, you have a lot of courage and integrity, it would take both to face the truth. i know i have not had it like that. i deconverted this fall. your son gently led you out, i read myself out alone. i am 34, married and have three kids. my struggle is just trying to get along with all those around me that are still devoted christians. my wife, parents, many of my friends. i want to run screaming from it all, but i love my wife and dont want to disrupt my kids lives. so i just keep going. wish i had some friends that thought the way i do. the internet helps, this sight helps, but i just have that silly wish that i could be around other nonbelievers. share laughs. there is still alot of life left and it should be enjoyed. there is something special about an athiest sense of humor. have a good day.

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Hey I just want to say you are a beautiful person, you are breaking out of the cycle! Your story sounds a lot like mine! I am your age and I feel like I am just getting started on life! I am getting my masters degree and have made it a goal to educate children. I hope to develop curriculum based on the rationalism embrassed by the founding fathers of our country. Hope this helps.

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