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Problems With A Girl...


Guest Ranman87
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Guest Ranman87

I've been an ex-christian for about 9 months (I think, I'm just guesstimating) and its been above-average. I'm glad my mind is free, and my heart rejoices over newfound knowledge. However, there is a problem.

 

There is this girl who I've been friends with since late middle school/early high school who I've always cared more than "just friends." I'm sophomore who's in college now, and this girl knows that I'm not a Christian, while she is a Christian.

 

Anyways, I took her out this past Saturday to eat, and everything went well. Everything seemed to go perfect, and hell, I even went to go see her at Church the next morning (it doesn't bother me to go, and sometimes I even argue with some of the people there :D). She seemed...different, almost as if she didn't want to talk. I let it go, and went back home because I had to work later that day.

 

About 15 minutes before I'm about to head off to work, I get a call from her. She tells me she had a great time the previous evening...but she couldn't date me. She told me I was handsome, sweet, and all this other stuff, but she couldn't date me. "Why?," you might ask: I wasn't a Christian. I messaged her about this later as it puzzled me, and I got the whole 2nd Corinthians 6:14 deal (Do not be yoked together with unbelievers).

 

What am I to do? I care about this girl a lot, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, seeing as the opiate of Church still has a hold on her mind. Any advice?

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I hate to say this, BUT...

 

In my opinion, you are better off letting go of this girl in favor of finding another one more compatible with your lack of beliefs. Taking things to their logical (and absurd) extreme, suppose things developed so well that you ended up getting married and having kids. There would definitely be friction there, because, for her mindset, she wouldn't be ready and willing to see her kids/husband go to hell while she just sits there. Now taking it not as far, if you just start dating and become "more than friends," and if the relationship were ever to become sexual, she'd either bring hang-ups into the mix, be a raging hypocrite, or most likely both. And she'd still have that 2nd Corinthians thing going in her mind, and she'd still have an agenda of seeing you converted. And her christian indoctrination would impact her decision making in general and effect you both. Some of the most heart-wrenching stories I read here are from people who are married to or involved with overzealous christians--it's a can of worms best avoided if you're not already committed when you deconvert, in my opinion. I've got to say, I think 2nd Corinthians 6:14 is one verse that gives good advice for both parties.

 

Now in the unlikely event that she ever deconverts, I'd say go for it!

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You probably don't want to hear this, but you are in the "friends" category with this girl. If she was really in to you she would give into her temptation the way that we all do.

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I sadly have to agree with the others.

 

You might try a one-time thing of telling her, in essence, unmistakably how you feel for her and if that's really her final decision (if her faith is more important to her than a person she likes very much - maybe you can use that word "love", I can't tell from here, I don't know her) then you'll respect it, but that she's welcome if she should change her mind.

 

However, I'm afraid your chances of "success" will be minimal. :(

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You feel like you're fighting a losing battle, because - sadly - you are.

 

With devout believers, love is never more important than doctrine. Relationships are never more important than religious devotion. People are never more important than God. You may love this girl, she may love you too, but as long as her priorities lie with her religion, you will always be second best, if even that.

 

I really really wish that I could tell you otherwise, but I can't. In fact, I've been missionary dated myself, and it was a painfully unpleasant experience. In some ways, this girl is doing you a great favor by nipping any potential romance in the bud, even though it probably doesn't feel that way. I am not saying that to be dismissive of your disappointment, either, I'm saying it because I've been there, I got missionary dated by a Xian who didn't have the courtesy to leave me the hell alone the minute he knew I wasn't doctrinally sound. This is the sad voice of experience speaking here. You're better off. Seriously.

 

Cut her loose. She's the wrong girl, by default. Her religion makes her the wrong girl. You will not win her over. Spare yourself the trouble and pain, take whatever time you need to mourn the loss of potential, and move on. There really is someone - probably several someones - who are amazing and wonderful women, who aren't going to hold your lack of religion against you. Find them, love them, be loved by them.

 

That's my advice.

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Even if you did convince her to date you, she'd likely feel obligated to try to bring you into the fold; if only to ease her conscience. If she changes her mind, I'd bet that it's because someone convinced her she has the "opportunity" to "save" you.

 

Sadly, I have to agree with the others, she's doing you a favor.

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I know it may be hard to believe, but all the responses here are accurate assessments.

 

The good news is that these responses can be seen as signs of encouragement.

 

Over time, you'll want to be able to laugh with a girl at ridiculous convictions -- not laugh at her, or worse, look at her repeatedly with disbelief, sadness or horror. That's no kind of relationship.

 

You'll find a compatible laugher... truly. Maybe even soon, who knows?

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You seem to be happy that your mind is free from religion. I think you want to keep it that way. Getting involved with a religious girl is not going to keep it that way. My experience with religious family has been so painful I would rather be single for life than married to a religious fanatic.

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I know how hard this is to contemplate, but let her go...

 

Relationships across religious beliefs are possible, but the fact that she doesn't want to date because of your differences does not bode well for anything in the future.

 

You may console yourself with the fact that it's not uncommon for very religious women to be fairly repressed and conservative sexually. Not that that's the most important thing, but it's *an* important thing.

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