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Guest strafer

You guys might find this on the spiritual side but I'll tell anyway.

 

I wasn't raised religious and never really saw any reason to be. In high school I are started looking for answers outside myself whether it christianity, buddhism, taoism, inspirational, none seemed to provide the contentment and self-acceptance I yearned. Out of fear I adopted christianity, even though it always just felt wrong. I forced myself to believe it. I constantly analyzed everthing I did and why I wasn't getting happier when in reality I felt more and more lost. It was the fear that kept me coming back, attempting to approach the same negative teachings as though there might be a hint of truth. It finally got to the point where I was willing to continue withering away so that i would be guaranteed a spot in heaven. I just wanted to die and get it over with.

 

I questioned how could I be right when the bible is supposedly God inspired and there are millions of followers. It's been around for almost 2 thousand years. How could I possibly be right? How arrogant could I be? In turn I felt guilty all the time, forcing myself to believe regardless of the many contradictions evident. Eventually I just gave it all up. I just felt like I was losing a sense of all reality. I was sitting in a class and I just thought to myself I'm fine the way I am, I don't have to do anything anymore. I don't have to search for some ultimate truth, some enlightment, some salvation from hell, I can just be who i want to be. I just surrendered and quit fighting, quit attempting to find logic in the illogical.

I truly just gave it all up. I felt like I could have died that moment and didn't care anymore about an after life. Immediately it felt like this intense burden was lifted off of me. I had this realization that I was making it all up. None of it was real. It was like all of this bound up energy was realized. I felt like a kid again, like I could be without all the added connotations of what is right and wrong. It was like this hot energy just melted away all of my worries. I felt a connection with everyone around me. I just didn't feel alone anymore. Ironically, religion was supposed to make me a better person and closer to those around me and it had the exact opposite effect. It was like this matrix I just stepped out of. I thought to myself how could I have ever fallen for it.

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Lately I've found myself fighting a lot of Christians, and I have been feeling the worst for it. Then, last night, I decided to not fight them anymore. Just not take their bait, not allow them to dictate the debate in my head over what I want and how I want to live, and how, or if, I want to believe.

 

I too had that weight lifted off my shoulders. And I found out some things about myself I had not known, or chosen to ignore. What I really want. Sad that I let others influence me on how I view the world, or choose to live within it. Even more importantly, which battles are worth fighting about.

 

I've felt angry at a lot of things lately (my wife can attest to how much I yell at the TV).

 

I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be a better person. And I'm tired of falling for the same mental games over and over again.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest strafer
Lately I've found myself fighting a lot of Christians, and I have been feeling the worst for it. Then, last night, I decided to not fight them anymore. Just not take their bait, not allow them to dictate the debate in my head over what I want and how I want to live, and how, or if, I want to believe.

 

I too had that weight lifted off my shoulders. And I found out some things about myself I had not known, or chosen to ignore. What I really want. Sad that I let others influence me on how I view the world, or choose to live within it. Even more importantly, which battles are worth fighting about.

 

I've felt angry at a lot of things lately (my wife can attest to how much I yell at the TV).

 

I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be a better person. And I'm tired of falling for the same mental games over and over again.

 

It's hard to let go even if what your letting go is killing you. The mind is a viscious creature of habit.

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