Wackiest Things You Did

[robbie]

This is intended to be a fun thread, so I just want to point out that I'm not in any way trying to mock the real pain and suffering that people went through as Christians or when leaving religion. So I hope no-one will be offended...

 

--If I was meeting my mates in town, I remember for a while I would text them and then put 'DV' at the end. As in, "I'll see you at 11 DV" or "I'll be there in 15 minutes DV." I was, even then, too embarrassed to actually write 'God willing' at the end of my text messages, so I indulged in a bit of even greater Catholic geekery and used the abbreviation of the Latin translation "Deo Volente" instead.

 

--A few times I 'heard' Jesus in my head (as in thought to myself what I thought He might be saying) guilt-tripping me into praying the Rosary or the Divine Mercy Chaplet when I couldn't be bothered.

 

--I used a black crayon to write 'AMDG' on the lintel over my bedroom door. Being the only Catholic in the house, I could hardly get a priest over to write the abbreviation of 'Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam' [To the greater glory of God], used as a traditional blessing, in chalk outside the front door.

 

--I was so used to treating the Tabernacle in the church as though it contained Jesus literally that once, when I almost forgot to genuflect whilst passing it, I waved towards it (like you would raise your hand at someone in a car letting you cross the road) and mumbled "Oh...sorry."

 

--For a while I counted how many sins I thought I had committed during the day. And I recall using the biblical quote "The wise man sins 7 times a day" as a sort of benchmark to try to beat.

 

--I once went to Friday evening Mass (it pains me now thinking how much fun I could've been having ) when the usual crowd of about 7 were all on pilgrimage. So the priest celebrated Mass anyway, and I was, as usual, being an altar server. So we ended up having a Mass with no congregation.

 

--A few times I drank some holy water (from my private collection) when I wasn't using it to bless everything in sight.

 

--I once went to a friend's house and they put on one of the Austin Powers films. Being such a terribly immoral film, I actually spent the next two hours facing away from the TV whilst everyone else watched the movie.

 

--Oh, and the words "Bless me Father for I have sinned; it's been 5 [or 7] days since my last confession." recurr throughout my memory. Which reminds me also of all the places and times I have gone to confession, not being able to bare for another few days or a week the stain of mortal sin...on the street outside a hotel in Belguim, in a field in Germany surrounded by people, in a car in the car park of the local corner shop. Wow...I really was a confession junkie.

 

 

ETA...sorry, I just remembered the 'Humour and Satire' board...this might go better there if one of the mods could possibly move it. Thanks

[Taphophilia]

Being Protestant I wasn't into ritual.

 

This is terrible and I am so ashamed, but if I saw someone who was openly gay, I would silently pray for protection from the demons that possessed them, as though I could catch what they had just by being in close proximity.

 

I would prophesy over my friends. "Jesus told me to tell you..."

 

When I was a teenager, I secretly wished to be a martyr for my faith.

 

I thought heaven was like the worship service at church and looked forward to spending all eternity praising god.

 

I marched in pro-life rally's and believed that killing a blastocyst was the same as killing a newborn.

[Aurelia]

I emptied an entire bottle of olive oil onto the walls and doorframes of my first apartment. All the time praying and blessing the place and driving out any evil spirits that the previous tenants invited in.

[Kurari]

I prayed to the Christmas Tree.

[WCrystal]

I remember when I was younger and trying to fit in all the time with my older cousins, I went with them to a pentacostal (I think it was, I was only about 7 at the time) church with them. I saw them speaking in tongues and fainting all over the place so I decided to start going "bblalallalkdfjfallalalalal" (or something along the lines of that)

Now that I look back on it, I looked like a chicken trying to go "bok bok" with my head cut off. Thankfully I didn't try to faint. lol

[Guest lindaz6782]

Oh jeez...

 

I quit college (three times!) to do what I thought god wanted me to do. Somehow finding out I was wrong about those god-appointed paths didn't phase me.

 

I told one of my oldest friends that he needed to become a christian because his kid and his whole family were going to hell, resulting in us not speaking for about seven years.

 

I drove away another friend for seven years because I told him he was a heathen since he wanted to have one beer at a concert we were going to.

 

I moved 450 miles pursuing god's call on my life only to drop it for a different calling once I got here.

 

I threw out approximately two thousand dollars (maybe more) worth of movies and cd's because I/Jebus considered them immoral. Would have been smarter to sell them all but wouldn't it be wrong to pass along such filth? Interestingly, the Austin Powers movies were a part of this cleansing. Still, I managed to hold on to my copy of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Sentimental reasons.

 

I walked out of a movie theater in hysterics because a character in the movie said "Fuck Jesus."

 

I sometimes would fill in as a church office worker and work 40 hours a week for no pay on top of the 48-56 hours I work at my normal job. And, that doesn't include Wednesday night services, Thursday synergy group meetings, Friday night addicts meeting, Sunday church (a few services, of course), and Sunday night small group. After writing all of that I'm wondering why I'm not super productive now that I have all this extra time on my hands.

 

I threw rocks off a bridge that each had a word like "selfishness" written on them at 8 o'clock in the friggin morning. I was supposed to be somehow symbolically cleansing myself of these traits. What can I say? God told me to.

 

I didn't have a single drop of alcohol on my 21st birthday.

 

I gave massive amounts of money that I didn't have to expansion projects. The money to pay off my credit card balance is now buried in Quest Community Church's parking lot.

 

I became convinced that I was a sex addict. I'm really not sure why now... I guess because I looked at porn every once in awhile, masturbated, and wasn't a virgin when I got married. Pretty much everyone was a sex addict according to them. So, I went on a 30 day abstinence period. My poor husband. I also tried valiantly to quit the self love but it never really worked even though I went to three to four meetings a week for about 6 months.

 

Oh, Lord, forgive me for following you.

[Vigile]

A bunch of us from a Baptist singles group I was a member of once, on the spur of the moment, piled into a car and the back of a pick up truck and drove to the Mormon temple late one night. We went out to the lawn in back of the temple and prayed to release the demons of Mormonism from our city.

 

I also let some nutty long haired street preacher use my driveway to park his junky old Datsun truck he lived in the back up. And when I say nutty, yeah, he was nutty.

 

But the craziest thing I ever did?

 

I turned down sex with so many beautiful girls that I lost count. Yes, I was a sick and twisted bastard. I'll never get back those years.

[Robbobrob]

I remember starting to follow some religious program out of CAlifornia when I was a teen. "The Truth about" or something like that. They had free books (I still have a couple somewhere).

 

One talked about how no real christian should celebrate Christmas, that it was all pagan, and that it was not even his birthday because there was no way shepards would be out in the fields in December in Isreal. SO, I got on this anti-Christmas kick for one season.

[robbie]

Once or twice I called home when I was at a party to ask if I could drink.

 

Oh, and I missed at least one house party a few summers ago cos I knew my mate's parents didn't know he was having a party. So I sat at home, while all my mates had a good time. I'm fairly sure I've made up for the lost time, but I did miss them smashing his sink.

 

I think that, after that, if someone said: "I'm having a party. My parents..." I'd be like "Stop there!!". I didn't want to know, because then I could go to the party and later plead ignorance to my own guilty conscience.

 

I also had more icons of Mary in my bedroom than most churches. Now they're all in a drawer with some rosaries, holy water, pictures of Jesus, crucifixes and enough religious literature to bore the Pope. And I still have half a shelf of Catholic books on top of that.

[WCrystal]

I once jacked-off while listening to the christian music radio station. The thought still makes me laugh.

[Ramen666]

I once jacked-off while listening to the christian music radio station. The thought still makes me laugh.

 

that is pretty interesting

 

The wackiest thing I did....I turned away from porn and walked away when I saw a Playboy magazine the first time. I actually felt guilty looking at it.....that is pretty wacky for me now since I look at on a daily basis. Go internet! Now you don't even have to pay for it.

 

post 600!!!!!

[bluewizard]

Oh jeez...

 

I quit college (three times!) to do what I thought god wanted me to do. Somehow finding out I was wrong about those god-appointed paths didn't phase me.

 

I told one of my oldest friends that he needed to become a christian because his kid and his whole family were going to hell, resulting in us not speaking for about seven years.

 

I drove away another friend for seven years because I told him he was a heathen since he wanted to have one beer at a concert we were going to.

 

I moved 450 miles pursuing god's call on my life only to drop it for a different calling once I got here.

 

I threw out approximately two thousand dollars (maybe more) worth of movies and cd's because I/Jebus considered them immoral. Would have been smarter to sell them all but wouldn't it be wrong to pass along such filth? Interestingly, the Austin Powers movies were a part of this cleansing. Still, I managed to hold on to my copy of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Sentimental reasons.

 

I walked out of a movie theater in hysterics because a character in the movie said "Fuck Jesus."

 

I sometimes would fill in as a church office worker and work 40 hours a week for no pay on top of the 48-56 hours I work at my normal job. And, that doesn't include Wednesday night services, Thursday synergy group meetings, Friday night addicts meeting, Sunday church (a few services, of course), and Sunday night small group. After writing all of that I'm wondering why I'm not super productive now that I have all this extra time on my hands.

 

I threw rocks off a bridge that each had a word like "selfishness" written on them at 8 o'clock in the friggin morning. I was supposed to be somehow symbolically cleansing myself of these traits. What can I say? God told me to.

 

I didn't have a single drop of alcohol on my 21st birthday.

 

I gave massive amounts of money that I didn't have to expansion projects. The money to pay off my credit card balance is now buried in Quest Community Church's parking lot.

 

I became convinced that I was a sex addict. I'm really not sure why now... I guess because I looked at porn every once in awhile, masturbated, and wasn't a virgin when I got married. Pretty much everyone was a sex addict according to them. So, I went on a 30 day abstinence period. My poor husband. I also tried valiantly to quit the self love but it never really worked even though I went to three to four meetings a week for about 6 months.

 

Oh, Lord, forgive me for following you.

Well, I don't plan on drinking on my 21st birthday so I don't see what's wrong with that.

[bluewizard]

When I was in middle school I acted like I ddin't like Slipknot because my friend said it was devil worship music, tohugh I secretly did.

[Rhia]

I nearly convinced a friend to drown himself in our school toilet, because I had described heaven as a place "paved with streets of gold".

 

I was dead set on being a missionary from the age of 11, even though at the time I didn't know what a missionary did, and even though I was in sunday school, had no clue who Jesus really was.

 

I made a celebacy vow when I was 13, and as a result never had a boyfriend until my last few months of high-school- but it only lasted maybe a month and a half anyway.

 

I honestly believed that I was not going to live past the age 25, because god had "called" me to the mission field in Israel, and I was supposed to be a virgin martyr.

 

Was an advid feminist at my Christian high-school; and because I hated that Corinthians said "wives submit to your husbands". After several years of praying over it and talking to pastors who could never satisfy what I really thought, I ended up taking another vow: that on top of my celebacy vow, that I would not love another human being again until I could recognise the book of Ruth as a love story, and not the story of subjugation that I thought it was. It was broken within 6 months.

 

Came to my Christian college wanting to be a Jewish Missions major.

 

Prayed to a cross I made in my bedroom by lashing two twigs into the shape of a cross that I kept hidden in my "prayer closet", which was just my already too-small clothes closet.

 

Honestly thought that I was "spawn of the abomination" because my mother was a lesbian.

 

Went on two missions trips, one to Ukraine, and another to Haiti- and I almost stayed behind for both of them. Both times I was basically dragged through customs and onto the plane by a female leader, screaming in tongues and also screaming that god had intended for me to stay.

 

I wished to die a "glorious martyr's death".

 

After reading "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" (during my celebacy vow, go-figure) I told my then-agnostic adoptive mom that in the event that god's will "changed", and he intended for me to marry, that I wanted a Christian arranged marriage orchestrated by her. She laughed in my face, and it was one of the best things she's ever done to me.

 

I wrote "godly love letters" to my "future-husband", and sealed them in a box with a self-annotated Bible, and little trinkets and pictures, all intended to be given to whomever was chosen for me on my honeymoon.

 

I thought sex in all forms was absolutely evil, and as a result had no clue why I had a sex drive, so I would have people annoint me and pray demons out of me, without telling them why; because I was so ashamed that I even had a sex-drive.

 

I honestly believed that Christians couldn't have sex, even when married; because there "just HAD" to be lust involved - which was evil.

 

I was so entralled with the 60's and the hippie-movement, that I declared that I was a Christian Neo-Hippie, insisted that people call me Sunshine, wore nothing but gawdy chokers and broomstick skirts for 2 years, and wanted to begin a Christian commune while I was on furlough from being a martyr in the mid-east.

 

I thought that my ethnicity (Scots-Irish) was evil and a "generational curse", because Celts were "pagans", and was so ashamed of that ethnic-identity that I tried to come off as genuinely as possible as a "completed Jew".

 

I used to take long car trips to a youth group 40 miles north from my city 2x a week, and the whole time would scream in tongues as I drove, for "protection".

 

I became the world's biggest narc, and would tattle on my then non-christian sister for every little thing that she did; because god told me to protect her.

 

I let guys in my christian high school destroy (by torching and running over with cars) nearly $3,000 worth of cds, some even were rare european imports, because god had told me that the secular music would "put satan in my heart".

 

I annointed my favourite cat with olive oil after some Jehova's Witnesses came to my house, sat down with me, and I chewed them out with the bible; all because she rubbed up against one girl's leg, and then proceeded to try to pounce on my open bible laying in the middle of the living room floor - thinking she was posessed with demons.

 

I slept with a bible on my chest, because I'm arachniphobic and used to be constantly plagued with nightmares of waking up to spiders eating me alive - thinking that they were being placed in my head by satan; and when it wouldn't work, thinking that I had not shown enough faith in god for the nightmares to go away.

 

God was my "daddy" because I was adopted by a single woman, and obviously there needed to be a head of my family.

 

I didn't want to become a wife or mother, no matter what the scriptures or I thought god was saying, because I was convinced that earlier god had wanted me on the mission field, and that his original plan wouldn't fail - that all the talk of being a wife, mother, or even being happy with a guy in general was brought on by satan to trip me up.

 

...I could keep going, but I think this is more than enough.

 

I disgust myself even to this day with all this.

[starelda]

Everytime I saw an ambulance go past with sirens blaring..I'd silently pray that god help whoever was in it.

 

I was pagan before I became Christian and so I threw out my books on paganism. I considered burning my tarot cards but didn't have anywhere safe to do that, so just threw them out too. Then I wasted so much money on Christian books, bibles, music, etc, etc.

 

In my attempt to stop swearing, I stopped listening to any music that contained profanity...I couldn't bring myself to throw it out though.

 

I spent so much time consumed by worry because my husband and family are all atheists and I was afraid they'd go to hell.

 

Along the same line, I'd try to witness to my husband...not through words as that'd piss him off and so I'd tell myself actions speak louder than words and do all I could to show "the love of Christ" through my actions.

 

When I felt I was sliding away, I'd write down lists of my sins and burn them...each time rededicating my life to Christ.

 

I'm such a quiet person that I couldn't bring myself to ask about baptism at church...so I dug out my Book of Common Prayer and baptised myself in the bath.

 

I felt "convicted" about my theistic evolutionist beliefs and started looking at creationist websites...then actually believed that stuff for a while.

 

I left various websites and forums where I'd made friends because they weren't Christian and would lead me astray.

[robbie]

When I was much younger, like 12 or something, I used to say my ambition was to work in a charity shop in the small shithole of a city where I've lived since I was four. I thought anything else would be selfish and prideful.

 

I went through a period of trying to talk to my dad without actually adressing him because I thought 'dad', as a variant of 'father', was forbidden by Jesus.

 

Most of my life was, for a while at least, comprised of obsessive worrying about things like...

"Which is worse? Gluttony or wastefulness?"

"Should I obey my parents and teachers by doing homework on Sunday, or is it always wrong to break the Sabbath?"

"If I fall over and think 'fuck' but don't actually say it, is it still a sin?"

"Do I need to inform the bishop that I think my parish priest might be a heretic?"

"If I forget to mention a mortal sin in confession, do I have to go back straight away and confess again, or is the absolution still valid?"

"Do I have to follow every single piece of advice given in the confessional?"

 

Given this obsessive scrupulosity, you can imagine how many days and weeks of torment I went through after being told by a different priest that I should go to therapy because I looked at porn.

 

Speaking of which, I destroyed some great porn as well. And prayed while I did it so that God would know wasn't doing it out of hatred for the people in it, but to avoid the occasion of sin.

 

Everytime I saw an ambulance go past with sirens blaring..I'd silently pray that god help whoever was in it.

 

Yeah...I did that every time I heard any sirens. Yesterday I was on my way into town on the bus, and a little kid about 12 got on and off a few stops later by himself...This on a Saturday evening in a fairly bad area...and I found myself wanting to pray that he'd be OK, but stopping short and thinking "ok...what do I do now?"

[ShackledNoMore]

I almost didn't post this in this thread for fear that it would not fit in with a "fun" light theme for this topic, I think I've seen enough precedent now to coax it out:

 

When I was about 17, I visited my uncle on the other end of the country with my grandfather. It was past the worst of my fundy "prime" but still a year before I really began to question in any degree. Now my grandfather was catholic, and whenever my mother had taken me out to a pentecostal church over the previous five years, he'd stand in the doorway, red faced, with the veins popping out of his neck in anger that my mother was going to a holy roller church, and what's worse, was taking me.

 

So one Sunday, I found an Assemblies of God church within walking distance, and decided to go. When I left my uncle's house, there was no anger, red face, or popping veins, just a sad expression as he asked, "Are you going to the other church?"

 

Somehow, it just brought all the crap that I had been sold to the surface. About half way to the church, I found a gas station. I went into the bathroom, and closed the door. I was convinced (in my mind, beyond a shadow of a doubt) that my grandfather was doomed to an eternity of unrelenting agony in exquisite pain from the flames of hell. I don't think it's possible to convey in a forum post the extent of the grief and despair I was experiencing then at the prospect. In the bathroom, I began to wail... LOUDLY. It didn't take long before an alarmed gas station attendant came literally running to the bathroom, pounding on the door, and asking if I was OK. It took me a couple of minutes to shake the guy off with my "I'm OK, I'm fine" assurances and once I did, I beat a hasty retreat off to the church service.

 

To this day, I still cringe with embarrassment and shame when I think of the incident, and if I think for long, with anger over the conditioning imposed upon me to bring me to that point. I've never even told anyone about that incident before.

[smellincoffee]

Despite being raised in a nutty fundamentalist Oneness Pentecostal church, I cannot remember ever doing anything crazy. I didn't even get as carried away with the worship services;; I raised my hands and "praised God aloud", but I never screamed or ran or dance or jumped. When I was hunting for a college during high school, I had to find one that was near a UPCI church, which is one of the reasons I wound up going to a local community college. I even considering going to a UPCI-backed bible college; I am ever so glad that even back then I saw no future for myself doing that. I think the nuttiest thing I did was editing my Civilization III game to rename the Theory of Evolution (a monument that when built gives the player two free technologies) into Edison's Workshop. I also edited the "scentific great leaders" list and removed Darwin's name from it. That's as nutty as I ever got, though.

[The Sage Nabooru]

Yeah, I can't remember doing anything really wacky or weird or "out there" in church. Normal church stuff.

 

Things I regret, hell yes. I gave money to missionaries in Korea so they could further tear down the now-badly-battered Buddhist and shamanic tradition there in the name of Jesus; the same money went further to China. I gave my little dimes and quarters to missionaries who went around making fake "Jewish Centers" in cities like New York and Los Angeles in the hope of duping the visitors into becoming "complete Jews". Harrassment, more or less, is what I funded.

 

Also, when I was about thirteen and had no job, I dumped an entire five-dollar bill in a collection plate. My mother commended me for this action, but nowadays I just think, That was WORTH SOMETHING back then!

[Amethyst]

Hmm. Well, the normal day-to-day stuff does seem pretty wacky, now that I think about it.

 

I prayed to someone who didn't exist.

 

I donated money to an organization that condoned praying to someone who doesn't exist.

 

I spent the vast majority of my time thinking about someone who doesn't exist, places that don't exist, and beings (angels, demons, etc.) that don't exist.

 

If that's not wacky, then what is?

[Guest Jack]

gave out adoption information at what I thought was an abortion clinic and later found out was an STD testing site

[LosingMyReligion]

1.) I stood up and witnessed to my history class my freshmen year of college. The minute I heard my subconscious say, "Speak Boldly about the lord your god" I knew I had to stand up in front of my class, and teacher, while everyone stared at me like a jackass and testify in the name of Jesus. Fortunately, my ex-best friend was there to so we both looked like asses together. In hindsight I was merely a programmed robot regurgitating everything I had learned in the cult.

 

2.) I threw away all of my popular music CD's and only listened to christian music. And I also threw out books that I had by gay authors(the irony is that I'm gay...In serious denial about it back then).

 

3.) Everytime a friend of mine would tell me that he or she was either, gay or non christian I would drive them away by trying to convert them to my faith.

 

4.) Proselytized over the internet(it was anonymous but still humiliating).

 

5.) I dropped out of college twice because I wanted to give my life fully to the lord. I'm 20something now and FINALLY getting my Bachelor's degree.

 

6.) I truly believed that I was one of the 125,000 males virgins that would be safe from tribulation at the time of Christ's return.

 

7.) I believed that the Bible was talking about "Madonna" when it spoke of the whore of Babylon. Now I love Madonna.

 

8.) I didn't see Pulp Fiction until a decade after it was released because, 'Christians should not view things like that."

 

9.) Missed out on Halloween so many times because it was a "pagan" holiday...Y'know, like Christmas and Easter.

[Toxic]

evangelised in my town's highs street which included street theatre - I had to pretend to be a non believer and walk round in a circle saying "I know where I'm going" (meaning hell)