Don't Mistakes Like These Prove Tampering?

[mwc]

don't take this personally... have you ever considered the clergy?

Don't you realize that you speak to a fully ordained minister in the Universal Life Church?

 

I printed my own certificate and everything. I encourage everyone to join (it's free). You can buy official doo-dads though which I've considered doing to keep in my wallet just in case someone bothers witnesses to me I can whip it out and be an ordained xian atheist counter-witness. I'd have to check but I think you can buy a thing to get the preacher parking at hospitals too. Can't beat that and unlike the handicapped those dicks don't deserve special spots.

 

mwc

[Grandpa Harley]

don't take this personally... have you ever considered the clergy?

Don't you realize that you speak to a fully ordained minister in the Universal Life Church?

 

I printed my own certificate and everything. I encourage everyone to join (it's free). You can buy official doo-dads though which I've considered doing to keep in my wallet just in case someone bothers witnesses to me I can whip it out and be an ordained xian atheist counter-witness. I'd have to check but I think you can buy a thing to get the preacher parking at hospitals too. Can't beat that and unlike the handicapped those dicks don't deserve special spots.

 

mwc

I did the Master of Metaphysics course... it was something to keep me entertained. Based on A Course in Miracles.

[Antlerman]

Now I don't know a tremendous amount about the Romans but I think retreat would win out over fighting zombies. Also would the zombies, being Jewish, be able to observe the rest of the festival?

 

mwc

Which leads to my other question? How the hell did they know they were dead people? Did the Roman soldiers say, "Hey there's 'old Abraham himself! And there's Adam and Eve and wise 'ole Solomon too! I recognize them from their papyrus photos!"

 

Did they look dead? Then how would they know they were the dead now awakened? Did they have bits of flesh dangling off their cheek bones? Did they smell like rot? Those would be tell-tale signs. But chances are God fixed all those nasty bits, so they would have had to know them personally and know that they had been deceased.

 

I don't think a Roman Centurion hung around long enough to get to know all the Jewish patriarchs and saints personally.

[Grandpa Harley]

Now I don't know a tremendous amount about the Romans but I think retreat would win out over fighting zombies. Also would the zombies, being Jewish, be able to observe the rest of the festival?

 

mwc

Which leads to my other question? How the hell did they know they were dead people? Did the Roman soldiers say, "Hey there's 'old Abraham himself! And there's Adam and Eve and wise 'ole Solomon too! I recognize them from their papyrus photos!"

 

Did they look dead? Then how would they know they were the dead now awakened? Did they have bits of flesh dangling off their cheek bones? Did they smell like rot? Those would be tell-tale signs. But chances are God fixed all those nasty bits, so they would have had to know them personally and know that they had been deceased.

 

I don't think a Roman Centurion hung around long enough to get to know all the Jewish patriarchs and saints personally.

 

I think dead people emerging from the ground may have been the give away...

[R. S. Martin]

Average time for a scourged man to survive on the cross was 2.5 days...Jesus lasted the 4 to 6 hour mark... not impressive

You miss the point. Jesus is perfect and so is everything he does therefore the PERFECT time it takes to die upon a cross would be 4 to 6 hours. Us sinful beings take much longer however. Why must we prolong our own suffering in all things in our imperfect state? If we truly took after the christ we too could die on a cross in such a short time. Dare to dream my friends. Dare to dream.

 

mwc

 

 

You are so funny Compare the likelihood of us ending up on crosses to our city or planet being blown up by an automic holocaust. Just dreaming. That's all. The cross might be the better alternative because you get to live four to six hours after the crack of doom whereas I understand a holocaust is instant death. Not much time for repentance after you know it's too late.

[R. S. Martin]

don't take this personally... have you ever considered the clergy?

Don't you realize that you speak to a fully ordained minister in the Universal Life Church?

 

I printed my own certificate and everything. I encourage everyone to join (it's free). You can buy official doo-dads though which I've considered doing to keep in my wallet just in case someone bothers witnesses to me I can whip it out and be an ordained xian atheist counter-witness. I'd have to check but I think you can buy a thing to get the preacher parking at hospitals too. Can't beat that and unlike the handicapped those dicks don't deserve special spots.

 

mwc

 

 

This is a bogus site, right? After all it's full of ambiguous statements like this one:

 

We use demographic and profile data to tailor your experience at our site, showing you content that we think our members might be interested in, and displaying the content according to your preferences.

[R. S. Martin]

I think dead people emerging from the ground may have been the give away...

 

As in the end of the world has come? Yeah, like he said in Matt. 24:30-31.

 

Harley, somewhere you said the HarperCollins Study Bible is for believers and not for students. Maybe you need to alert my school to that because they made me buy one for their courses.

[Mongo]

Which leads to my other question? How the hell did they know they were dead people? Did the Roman soldiers say, "Hey there's 'old Abraham himself! And there's Adam and Eve and wise 'ole Solomon too! I recognize them from their papyrus photos!"

 

Did they look dead? Then how would they know they were the dead now awakened? Did they have bits of flesh dangling off their cheek bones? Did they smell like rot? Those would be tell-tale signs. But chances are God fixed all those nasty bits, so they would have had to know them personally and know that they had been deceased.

 

I don't think a Roman Centurion hung around long enough to get to know all the Jewish patriarchs and saints personally.

 

Brilliant as always.

 

You'd think god would either have them rise "as is" (dust and bones or fossils) or reformat them in which case they would not be rotting. It begs the question though, at what age would god then choose to restore them. Newborns or 20 year olds or death bed.

 

Open graves aside, I'm sure they would look like a bunch of naked lost people wandering around mumbling things they no one understood - different dialect.

 

Maybe Adam had a driver's licence? Maybe Adam had a tatoo with "Adam" on his butt (he naked remember)?

 

Oh I get it... all the naked saints that were risen were able, (by god's power) to speak the current dialect and they went to the synagogues and simply told them that they were Adam and Lot.

 

OK, at the next earthquake, get naked with a bunch of friends and go to a Pentacostal church and claim to be Moses and Martha etc.

 

I guarantee, you'll have an amazing time.

 

Mongo

[Panther]

This thread is freakin hilarious!! I'm sitting here losing it!

[mwc]

Which leads to my other question? How the hell did they know they were dead people? Did the Roman soldiers say, "Hey there's 'old Abraham himself! And there's Adam and Eve and wise 'ole Solomon too! I recognize them from their papyrus photos!"

The most obvious of all answers for any reunion...

 

Name tags of course. "Hello my name is ... "

 

mwc

[Antlerman]

Open graves aside, I'm sure they would look like a bunch of naked lost people wandering around mumbling things they no one understood - different dialect.

 

Maybe Adam had a driver's licence? Maybe Adam had a tatoo with "Adam" on his butt (he naked remember)?

 

Oh I get it... all the naked saints that were risen were able, (by god's power) to speak the current dialect and they went to the synagogues and simply told them that they were Adam and Lot.

 

OK, at the next earthquake, get naked with a bunch of friends and go to a Pentacostal church and claim to be Moses and Martha etc.

 

I guarantee, you'll have an amazing time.

 

Mongo

That's hilarious. I was going to bring up the clothing issue today. Did God recreate their clothing, and if so was it contemporary, or reflective of the clothing of the day in which they had lived? I think we should add to the list of titles applied to God, "He's my Light, my Rock, my Shepard, my Tailor. Praise his blessed stitches and seams!"

 

Surely they couldn't have been naked because that's a sin. I think there's probably some law that would require they be stoned to death for walking in the streets nude. So to raise them naked would be really quite a cruel joke on them from God, getting their hopes up that God brought them back from the dead only to get stoned to death in a matter of minutes because he brought them back naked! Damned cruel, I'd say.

 

I like the point about language. You're right, no one would understand them. It would be like having a Pilgrim raised before you and listen to him talking. You would be going "Huh!?! WTF are you saying?!?" And that's only 400 years ago, let alone someone from 1500 years ago.

 

I swear between then ancient clothes, the foreign dialects, the bizarre mannerisms, etc, people wouldn't worship God! They want to kill these freaks from grave. That's what people do. They attack things that are foreign and strange, and the walking dead, like a troupe of dead Pilgrims coming forth into your city, are as strange and foreign to your experience as you can possibly get! People would either run away or attack them. That's what people do.

 

How can people possibly believe this is a literal story? I swear, next time someone tries to tell me about the truth of God's word, I'm taking them down this road. It's a totally absurd story.

[Grandpa Harley]

I think dead people emerging from the ground may have been the give away...

 

As in the end of the world has come? Yeah, like he said in Matt. 24:30-31.

 

Harley, somewhere you said the HarperCollins Study Bible is for believers and not for students. Maybe you need to alert my school to that because they made me buy one for their courses.

 

I said ALL study Bibles are made for believers... Harper Collins is no different.

[Ouroboros]

The key part is underlined. Well, he hasn't even been taken off the cross at this point. This is just sloppy work and I've never even noticed it thanks to all the harmonizing I've been subjugated to over the years.

Oh brother!!! You haven't noticed that until now? You missed a couple of very funny dialogues last year then, when we discussed this an came up with the term Jezombies.

 

It's actually kind of interesting that this part of the story is in the Bible, because if someone would read the whole thing as a big spoof or scam, you would start thinking this was placed in there on purpose to hint to the reader that the whole story was made up, and that anyone following this religion would become zombies just like these dead ones. Becoming a Christian is becoming a zombie. You give your brain and mind up and replace it with ... nothing.

[Jubilant]

What gets me is that except for the *Angel* telling Mary that she is pregnant with Jesus, that she seems to forget after 12 years that Jesus is God and appears to treat him very much human.

[Evolution_beyond]

That's hilarious. I was going to bring up the clothing issue today. Did God recreate their clothing, and if so was it contemporary, or reflective of the clothing of the day in which they had lived? I think we should add to the list of titles applied to God, "He's my Light, my Rock, my Shepard, my Tailor. Praise his blessed stitches and seams!"

 

Surely they couldn't have been naked because that's a sin. I think there's probably some law that would require they be stoned to death for walking in the streets nude. So to raise them naked would be really quite a cruel joke on them from God, getting their hopes up that God brought them back from the dead only to get stoned to death in a matter of minutes because he brought them back naked! Damned cruel, I'd say.

 

Lordy! I hope Jesus wasn't naked when he appeared to the apostles after his resurrection. Can you imagine him trying to tell them all that he had risen and so on - and they either can't take him seriously or can't concentrate on what he's saying because his cock's waving about in front of their eyes.

 

(I guess I'll go to Hell now for talking about Christ's cock )

[Antlerman]

Lordy! I hope Jesus wasn't naked when he appeared to the apostles after his resurrection. Can you imagine him trying to tell them all that he had risen and so on - and they either can't take him seriously or can't concentrate on what he's saying because his cock's waving about in front of their eyes.

 

(I guess I'll go to Hell now for talking about Christ's cock )

heh heh, he said "risen". The Lord is "risen" heh heh, heh heh...

[R. S. Martin]

since Josephus' father was in the temple at that time, you'd have thought he'd have mentioned it. He mentions all sorts of other stuff, most of it pretty dull, so you'd think the dead invading town would warrant a mention

 

I haven't read Josephus but for those of you who have. So if his dad was in the temple at the time, does he mention the viel in the temple that was supposedly rent in two from top to bottom or the earthquake that happened that day? I have been totally incapable of making the connection between an earth quake and a torn drape or veil or whatever. I get the impression it was made of heavy cloth. Cloth is not rigid but very flexible. How or why would it get ripped down the middle just because of an earthquake? Okay, confession, earthquakes don't happen in my part of the world so I am fairly ignorant about them. Maybe I'm missing the obvious. If so, would anyone enlighten me?

[R. S. Martin]

'Nother question. Why does everyone think all these folks back from the dead are naked? It seems Lazareth was duly bound up in cloths wrapped around his entire body from head to toe and don't we read how they wrapped Jesus' body in cloths? So why would the resurrected folks be naked?

[Tyson]

This is how I put this same joke over on my site www.Verbalspark.com

===========================================================

TITLE: I see dead people.

 

The writer of the biblical Book of Matthew was a brave man. He wrote some things, that when looked at more closely, were rather audacious. With this being said, I want to ask a question on one of the Bible’s greatest mysteries.

 

In Matthew 27:52-53, we read that when Jesus died and also when he was resurrected, the bodies of ‘the saints which slept arose.’ Now not only is this little bit of revelation not in any other of the Gospels, but in the book of Mark (the oldest of the Gospels), the same surrounding account is told, but without any mention of what Matthew claims happened. In fact, if you read the account in Mark 15:38-39, Mark has the same verses preceding and after Matthew’s startling revelation, but does not say anything about dead people rising up.

 

This is Mark’s account compared to Matthew’s:

 

And Jesus cried out with a loud voice, and breathed His last.Then the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. So when the centurion, who stood opposite Him, saw that He cried out like this and breathed His last, he said, “Truly this Man was the Son of God!” (Mark 15:37-39)

 

And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit. Then, behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth quaked, and the rocks were split, and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised; and coming out of the graves after His resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared to many. So when the centurion and those with him, who were guarding Jesus, saw the earthquake and the things that had happened, they feared greatly, saying, “Truly this was the Son of God!” (Matthew 27:50-54)

 

Luke tells the same account, but fails to mention what Matthew said about these dead people.

 

Here’s Luke’s account compared to Matthew’s:

 

“Then the sun was darkened, and the veil of the temple was torn in two. And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, He said, “Father, “into Your hands I commit My spirit.”‘ Having said this, He breathed His last. So when the centurion saw what had happened, he glorified God, saying, “Certainly this was a righteous Man!” (Luke 23:46-47)

 

And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit. Then, behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth quaked, and the rocks were split, and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised; and coming out of the graves after His resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared to many. So when the centurion and those with him, who were guarding Jesus, saw the earthquake and the things that had happened, they feared greatly, saying, “Truly this was the Son of God!” (Matthew 27:50-54)

 

The Gospel of John doesn’t even find any of this important to mention.

 

Now my question is, where did these dead people go? Matthew says they went into the ‘holy city’ (Jerusalem) and appeared to many, but we read nothing else about it anywhere else in the Bible. Did they die again? Did they eventually rise to heaven? Did they go back to their graves? What was the response of the people who saw them? To make the matter even more baffling, a few days later Peter preached his famous sermon on Pentecost and in all of his talking, trying to prove Jesus was the son of God and risen lord, he never once referenced the miracle of these dead people rising from their graves to bolster his argument and really bring home the point.

[Evolution_beyond]

Lordy! I hope Jesus wasn't naked when he appeared to the apostles after his resurrection. Can you imagine him trying to tell them all that he had risen and so on - and they either can't take him seriously or can't concentrate on what he's saying because his cock's waving about in front of their eyes.

 

(I guess I'll go to Hell now for talking about Christ's cock )

heh heh, he said "risen". The Lord is "risen" heh heh, heh heh...

 

ROFL

 

Yeah, I thought of that double entendre just after I posted the comment and wondered whether anyone would notice it.

[mwc]

I haven't read Josephus but for those of you who have. So if his dad was in the temple at the time, does he mention the viel in the temple that was supposedly rent in two from top to bottom or the earthquake that happened that day? I have been totally incapable of making the connection between an earth quake and a torn drape or veil or whatever. I get the impression it was made of heavy cloth. Cloth is not rigid but very flexible. How or why would it get ripped down the middle just because of an earthquake? Okay, confession, earthquakes don't happen in my part of the world so I am fairly ignorant about them. Maybe I'm missing the obvious. If so, would anyone enlighten me?

Going strictly from memory the veil of the temple was removed and taken back to Rome as a prize after the 1st War. So that's how Roman's would know of it. It was probably Josephus who mentions it but I'm not entirely certain.

 

If the thing was firmly anchored to the ground (all sides really), I suppose it could rip a seam in a large enough earthquake. I've never seen it happen in all the quakes I've gone through but I've never been through a special god-killing quake either. Hard to believe the building moved enough to rip the veil but nothing else failed. It's almost as if this were a supernatural occurrence with a metaphorical significance as opposed to anything real.

 

mwc

[mwc]

'Nother question. Why does everyone think all these folks back from the dead are naked? It seems Lazareth was duly bound up in cloths wrapped around his entire body from head to toe and don't we read how they wrapped Jesus' body in cloths? So why would the resurrected folks be naked?

Lazarus was only in the tomb for a few days. He'd still be wrapped in the burial cloths. Over time those would decay (along with Lazarus). Once that happened then what would he have to wear? He'd be naked. But Lazarus wasn't resurrected but simply brought back from the dead. There seems to be a distinction. Jesus is the first to be resurrected. New body (same old holes though) with some magic powers and all that.

 

The story of jesus specifically states that his wrappings were left in his tomb so what was he wearing? The Romans "gambled" for his clothes so they weren't around anymore. Unless the resurrected body comes with clothes he was naked too.

 

All the people that died before the 1st century would have had different burial practices as well. So depending on when they died would determine what went with them to the grave (I imagine a fair amount of people have went to their death naked...at sea or whatever). So unless they get new clothes they're all coming back naked too.

 

Lots of reasons to think that folks would be naked. So the "saints" that supposedly came back would have been the 2nd wave of resurrections (after jesus). They would have had the new body, same as jesus, and I imagine the ability to appear to friends/family at will, eat random foods, still have "flaws" (like holes) and fly up to heaven (maybe even appear in "visions"). I don't see why though wouldn't have at least some of these abilities.

 

mwc

[Grandpa Harley]

Lordy! I hope Jesus wasn't naked when he appeared to the apostles after his resurrection. Can you imagine him trying to tell them all that he had risen and so on - and they either can't take him seriously or can't concentrate on what he's saying because his cock's waving about in front of their eyes.

 

(I guess I'll go to Hell now for talking about Christ's cock )

heh heh, he said "risen". The Lord is "risen" heh heh, heh heh...

 

Now, that's a miracle...

[Grandpa Harley]

'Nother question. Why does everyone think all these folks back from the dead are naked? It seems Lazareth was duly bound up in cloths wrapped around his entire body from head to toe and don't we read how they wrapped Jesus' body in cloths? So why would the resurrected folks be naked?

Lazarus was only in the tomb for a few days. He'd still be wrapped in the burial cloths. Over time those would decay (along with Lazarus). Once that happened then what would he have to wear? He'd be naked. But Lazarus wasn't resurrected but simply brought back from the dead. There seems to be a distinction. Jesus is the first to be resurrected. New body (same old holes though) with some magic powers and all that.

 

The story of jesus specifically states that his wrappings were left in his tomb so what was he wearing? The Romans "gambled" for his clothes so they weren't around anymore. Unless the resurrected body comes with clothes he was naked too.

 

All the people that died before the 1st century would have had different burial practices as well. So depending on when they died would determine what went with them to the grave (I imagine a fair amount of people have went to their death naked...at sea or whatever). So unless they get new clothes they're all coming back naked too.

 

Lots of reasons to think that folks would be naked. So the "saints" that supposedly came back would have been the 2nd wave of resurrections (after jesus). They would have had the new body, same as jesus, and I imagine the ability to appear to friends/family at will, eat random foods, still have "flaws" (like holes) and fly up to heaven (maybe even appear in "visions"). I don't see why though wouldn't have at least some of these abilities.

 

mwc

 

Also Aramaic tombs were to hold the body until it rotted. The bones were then placed in a ossuar and placed in their final resting place...

[Antlerman]

'Nother question. Why does everyone think all these folks back from the dead are naked? It seems Lazareth was duly bound up in cloths wrapped around his entire body from head to toe and don't we read how they wrapped Jesus' body in cloths? So why would the resurrected folks be naked?

Lazarus had only been dead for 4 days. Try imagining what those clothes looked like after 40 years in a tomb? After 400 years, after a thousand years.. Now either they had their clothes resurrected along with their bodies, they were fashioned new garments that were consistent with the styles of the day, they came out of the ground with shards of rotting clothes, or they came forth stark naked as the day they were born.

 

Besides, it’s not like those funeral rags bound about the body in death would afford them much mobility to go wandering about the streets of Jerusalem. I'm getting images of the Mummy coming to mind here. Much more a source of terror to the folks back then, than of a source inspiration to worship God.