How Do You Deal With Evangelists?

[R. S. Martin]

Purple, I read pretty much everything you have on that site, chats and 4 rules and all. You're one sneaky woman. That's a compliment. Wish I could think up stuff like that.

 

That sexy guy Jazzy--I loved how you answered his thing about the weekend is up ahead. "Oh?" "Are you going to have a good weekend?" Or whatever.

[Purple]

Purple, I read pretty much everything you have on that site, chats and 4 rules and all. You're one sneaky woman. That's a compliment. Wish I could think up stuff like that.

 

That sexy guy Jazzy--I loved how you answered his thing about the weekend is up ahead. "Oh?" "Are you going to have a good weekend?" Or whatever.

 

Wow thanks RubySara. The rules I wrote gosh almost 5 years ago, back then one chat I used them in was fairly buzy. We would get a fundy about once a week or more. Then the chat got very slow, and we hardly got anyone of any kind. Then MSN closed chat. First others in the chat, when it was buzy would just kick fundys out, which isn't a bad solution, but back then I liked playing with them, so I'd talk with them. Like here though, there are patterens with fundies, and the rules sought to kind of stop the most annoying things before they began. Then there became a patteren with the rules. A lot of xian fundies would refuse to even read them. Others would get hung up on #1, and just start saying "Jesus loves you" over and over, like it somehow bothered me. After I made them though I never had to actaully kick another xian again, they lefted. That was very surprising to me, because I really did not tell them they could not evengelise.

[Grandpa Harley]

But you removed the tools they could use to evangelise... it's like giving someone a gun and saying fire away, but not giving them any bullets... I'm impressed... Have you consider the legal profession?

[Purple]

But you removed the tools they could use to evangelise... it's like giving someone a gun and saying fire away, but not giving them any bullets... I'm impressed... Have you consider the legal profession?

 

 

LOL I'm lawyer spawn and Daddy used to read legel briefs to me like bedtime stories.

 

Beleve it or not, we did, very rarely, ok twice, get people who read the rules, agreed with them and stayed. They managed to share their faith without being an idiot, or just have a normal conversation.

[Poonis]

I really hate myself for not coming back with something stronger. I should have put that prick in his place, but I didn't.

 

How do you deal with fundies trying to convert you? How do you deal with their tactics? How do you keep them from getting in your head and fucking with it?

 

I have found that, hands down, the Socratic Method will give you all the advantage you need. Why? Becuase the Socratic Method puts you in the position where you posit nothing, but only ask questions. Christians think and believe they have all the answers. In effect is, the Socratic Method (properly employed) drains them of all their answers until they have no more, or simply become aware that they do not know, or realize that their answers are absurd. Then, this is the point in which they will listen to what you have to say.

 

There is far greater power in words than there ever will be in all the armaments in the history of the world.

[Grandpa Harley]

But you removed the tools they could use to evangelise... it's like giving someone a gun and saying fire away, but not giving them any bullets... I'm impressed... Have you consider the legal profession?

 

 

LOL I'm lawyer spawn and Daddy used to read legel briefs to me like bedtime stories.

 

Beleve it or not, we did, very rarely, ok twice, get people who read the rules, agreed with them and stayed. They managed to share their faith without being an idiot, or just have a normal conversation.

Equally impressive... Maybe diplomacy should be the missed calling?

[Markkasan]

I really hate myself for not coming back with something stronger. I should have put that prick in his place, but I didn't.

 

How do you deal with fundies trying to convert you? How do you deal with their tactics? How do you keep them from getting in your head and fucking with it?

 

I have found that, hands down, the Socratic Method will give you all the advantage you need. Why? Becuase the Socratic Method puts you in the position where you posit nothing, but only ask questions. Christians think and believe they have all the answers. In effect is, the Socratic Method (properly employed) drains them of all their answers until they have no more, or simply become aware that they do not know, or realize that their answers are absurd. Then, this is the point in which they will listen to what you have to say.

 

There is far greater power in words than there ever will be in all the armaments in the history of the world.

 

I'm familiar with the Socratic method, and now that I think about it, it makes a great tool against the ignorant. Most evangelists have cookie-cutter answers for the common questions people ask, but there's always one question that will leave them stumped.

 

Thanks, Poonis.

 

And thanks everyone for your anti-fundie tactics. I hope to put them to good use.

[R. S. Martin]

Questions can backfire. Maybe no one else in the world asks as many questions as I do--I wouldn't know that. I've gone to churches where they told me upfront, "Here you are allowed to ask questions."

 

I didn't know what they meant but I figured if questions is what they want then I'll ask. I probably made some up to keep them happy. The problem was, most of them xians had not thought things through on a level deep enough to accommodate my questions. A few weeks ago I found out that in the most liberal church I attended people thought I asked too many questions.

 

I guess they figured the horse and buggy Mennonites don't allow enough questions for a person to learn how to think. Unfortunately for them, I was born knowing how to think; the problem was that no one around me seemed to know how to teach the faith without making major blanket statements they couldn't back up.

 

I have not yet found Christians who can back up their claims. The more stupid xians will attack me for asking. The more insightful ones will explain that faith is not reasonable. The really secure ones will confess up front that they don't know.

Come to think of it, maybe it's because of my natural questioning that the evangelists don't bug me. Or maybe I stop them before they start? I dunno. Doesn't take me more than a few seconds to come up with a question depending how they approach me. Any xian aproaching me with statements of faith is sure to get an incissive question in return. I WANT EVIDENCE!

 

One question that has sent a number of xians scurrying for their bibles is: How did Jesus' death make it possible for us to get to heaven? I can't believe the number of christians who actually need to look it up. All they ever come up with is stuff that anyone should know by the time they can talk--that is, if they were raised xian. Jesus' death was the sacrifice for our sins. God is so holy that he cannot abide even one single sin. And we humans are so desperately depraved that there is no way we could get to heaven were it not for his gracious gift. That is the answer in the New Testament and it is the answer any xian should be able to provide off the bat. But they HAVE TO LOOK IT UP. Even so...

 

Folks, the only way that answer makes any sense to me whatsoever is if I take it in the context of peasants and their manor lords. It makes no sense whatsoever in a democratic civilization where all people are believed to be created equal. I've asked more than one xian why god could not just forgive WHEN PEOPLE REPENT AND CONFESS THEIR SIN. I point out that I, a mere mortal, am obligated to forgive WITHOUT people even admitting that they had done wrong. Surely if god is as strong and almighty as I am supposed to believe, he can forgive at the very least when people repent.

 

But repentance is not something these people have any comprehension of. They keep preaching and drilling the importance of confession and they keep preaching and bragging about how sinful they are. People who have repend, been born again, met the Lord, and learned of him, do not brag about it. They accept that they are mortal and that they alone are responsible for how they live. No more shoving it off on The Lord.

 

The fact of the matter is, my new birth came on my way out of Christianity. Haven't found a Christian anywhere who will even attempt to explain that. They will suggest that my peace comes from the devil himself, or that the horse and buggy people aren't real christians, or whatever else they can dream up. The most shallow comment came from my former deacon when I explained about this peace. He said, "Yes, we tend to feel better when we arrive at a conclusion." I wanted to SCREAM. But it wasn't worth the energy. He hadn't the slightest clue what I was talking about. I could tell from the way he dismissed it right off the bat. The fact of the matter is that they won't accept that the depth of peace I acquired upon leaving the faith can be real. I guess that spares them from having to actually think.

[Dhampir]

I have found that, hands down, the Socratic Method will give you all the advantage you need. Why? Becuase the Socratic Method puts you in the position where you posit nothing, but only ask questions. Christians think and believe they have all the answers. In effect is, the Socratic Method (properly employed) drains them of all their answers until they have no more, or simply become aware that they do not know, or realize that their answers are absurd. Then, this is the point in which they will listen to what you have to say.

that's what it's called that I've been doing all this time? I was wondering if it had a name.

[qadeshet]

How do you deal with fundies trying to convert you? How do you deal with their tactics? How do you keep them from getting in your head and fucking with it?

 

Mention Darwin or Evolution and they will probably run away. That's what I was taught to do when I was still a church goer.

[fallenleaf]

When in shock, which isn't all the time but it does happen, I tend to resort to a number of "baiting" statements until I regain my wits. I usually don't want them to leave unless I am very busy. I would rather play with them for a while than have them out possibly attacking a "winnable" soul.

 

"God/Jesus could never love/accept/forgive me."

"Sometimes I think I was put here to hurt others."

"Uh huh?"

"Yeah?" [These last two are when I am really shocked... make sure you sound really questioning and give them time to respond -- they will]

"I've heard a lot of things about Jesus but don't know what to believe."

 

And a bunch of other "baiting" statements. Most of the time, I don't even think but go with my instincts on which one will hook the person. The first one, in bold, is universal and is probably the most effective. Any combination of those statements and you will have plenty of time to gather your wits as long as you keep shrugging your shoulders while the person talks at you.

 

After that, I just keep baiting them and having fun. I make them feel like I am moments away from a major breakthrough but never let them reach it. It can be lots of fun -- if you know what you're doing. I used to do some street witnessing so I know what they look for and can keep them occupied for a long time.

 

Once you have them hooked... how you want to deal with them is your business. The Socratic method (mentioned above) is always good if you want to bring some thought into their lives. All I want to do is waste their time and get them emotionally invested in my salvation... so I can walk away at the end and leave them empty. But you can try to sneak logic and deconversion in there... but they will run if you're too strong... so keep baiting and make all logic and questions appear to be "hurdles" to your acceptance of Christ so they keep working with you. And refuse to go anywhere or meet anyone else. Make the person handle it on their own and make it clear that once they leave, you walk away and will never see them again... and will likely never consider Jesus again also.

[Grandpa Harley]

How about

 

'God sent me to see if your faith protects you from evil'

[Purple]

All I want to do is waste their time and get them emotionally invested in my salvation... so I can walk away at the end and leave them empty.

 

Fallen you're evil... I like that in a person.

[Guest Joule]

My favorite thing to do is to evangelize right back.

 

"Oh, you poor misguided thing... you've never heard of Eris, Goddess of Chaos... Well, here... let me talk to you about this Goddess who will Save Your Sanity. Can I buy you a coffee?"

 

And I will, because it's worth it, the price of a coffee, for me to start inundating them with utter blasphemy and madness, with such a tone of seriousness on my face.

 

I think I'm going to rip off some Chick Tracts' images and make my own Discordian Tract to hand out.

 

I can play this game too, and it can be fun.

[Jessica Sideways]

But you removed the tools they could use to evangelise... it's like giving someone a gun and saying fire away, but not giving them any bullets... I'm impressed... Have you consider the legal profession?

 

 

LOL I'm lawyer spawn and Daddy used to read legel briefs to me like bedtime stories.

 

Beleve it or not, we did, very rarely, ok twice, get people who read the rules, agreed with them and stayed. They managed to share their faith without being an idiot, or just have a normal conversation.

 

Most people don't read the rules. I mean, do YOU read that little licence agreement before you install software? They join a forum without fully reading the rules. Most forums with rules that deviate from the norm and common sense get more rule violators then most.

[Red_Pyramid]

I ran into a creepy fellow when I was out looking for a CD for my girlfriend. I was standing there, scanning the racks at the music store, and this guy resembling Ted Haggard just sidled out to me and started talking about how the music industry affects young people. How it makes 'em promiscuous and the like. That's when my fundie-warning light went off.

 

I glanced over and saw that he was kind of young-looking, maybe thirty or so. Switchfoot T-shirt. Stapled on grin. Sandals. Like a grad student on spring break. I don't feel threatened. I shrugged and said something to the regards of, "If people will pay for it, they will sell it." I wanted to walk away, but I stayed to see where it would go. Regrettably, he asks if I'm Christian. I respond that I'm not religious. That gets him started. He starts saying how Satan is trying to trick me into thinking there is no God, about how I'm bound for spiritual death, and the like. I'm a little confused because I haven't been evangelized to since my deconversion. I kind of just stare at him. Then he really bugs me by saying how even young people like me or him could die at any moment. "Like in a car wreck," he says, in his most reasonable, semi-somnulent voice.

 

Now a few months ago someone I knew died in a car crash. He was more of an acquaintance than a friend, but I was still shook up by that because he was a decent kid. I felt my temper rise. I felt like striking the smarmy looking son of a bitch with the backhand of justice. But I decided to use my wits, which is always better in the long run. I try to organize my thoughts, but they're all screwed up. I don't know what to say. The guy asks something (i don't remember what, I think it was something about going to a church) and I just stand there like an idiot. After a few uncomfortable moments I finally spit out, "No, thanks. I was a Christian once, but not anymore." I turn to walk away, feeling a little embarrassed for my lack of conviction in my voice. He calls after me "Hey, hold on!" but i keep walking out the store.

 

 

I really hate myself for not coming back with something stronger. I should have put that prick in his place, but I didn't.

 

How do you deal with fundies trying to convert you? How do you deal with their tactics? How do you keep them from getting in your head and fucking with it?

 

 

 

I used to suck in the very same way, but after a stupid debate that I failed miserably, I then decide that I would read and sharpen my debating skills in forums and chat rooms... So far so good, I can take on the average Christian and the the smarmy one, but I could still do better...

[Jessica Sideways]

Other languages that if you know smatterings of work:

 

Tolkien's "Black Speech". Ash, naz krimpatuluk...

 

Klingon (Sorry, don't have any examples here).

 

Hebrew, just use any old Hebrew food prayer. Baruch ata Adonai elohaynu melech ha-olam boray p'ree hagafan. (Sorry for the poor Hebrew-to-English transliteration, but that's as good as I remember it. Basically, it means "Blessed art thou, Lord our God, King of the Universe, who gives us the fruit of the vine".) Say it with the rolling eyes and shaking limbs, and you're golden.

 

Old Norse (Just search out the Lord's Prayer or other mythologies in Old Norse, and there's plenty that sounds lovely and demonic). Faþer vár es ert í himenríki, verði nafn þitt hæilagt...

 

Irish Gaelic (not very demonic-sounding, but very foreign to many American-English ears). Clannad songs work well... I suggest the chorus to "A Mhuirnin O". A mhuirnín ó an dtiocfaidh tú na bhaile, A mhuirnín ó an dtiocfaidh tú liom...

 

My absolute, and personal favourite way to get rid of evangelists when they try to bother me in public is to politely smile and listen for about 30 seconds, and then let my eyes glass over, get a murderous grin on my face, hug myself and gently rock, while in a child-like sing-song voice saying something random. My preference is for the "La" song (La la laaaa, La la laaaa, La la la la laaaaaaa laaaaaaaaaaaaa). Then let my arms drop, and either resume what I was doing before I was bothered, or calmly walk out of the store and into my car, laughing maniacally as I drive away. It freaks the hell out of anyone in earshot, but as long as it's a store you don't often visit, it shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Polish seems to work well. Especially if you can fake an Irish accent while speaking Polish.

 

Wasz Bóg jest pozorny. Pozostawiają mnie jedyne. (means Your god is imaginary. Leave me alone.)

 

I have found that, hands down, the Socratic Method will give you all the advantage you need. Why? Becuase the Socratic Method puts you in the position where you posit nothing, but only ask questions. Christians think and believe they have all the answers. In effect is, the Socratic Method (properly employed) drains them of all their answers until they have no more, or simply become aware that they do not know, or realize that their answers are absurd. Then, this is the point in which they will listen to what you have to say.

 

There is far greater power in words than there ever will be in all the armaments in the history of the world.

Awesome. Then, we can turn them away from their delusion (and get them out of my face).

 

Mention Darwin or Evolution and they will probably run away. That's what I was taught to do when I was still a church goer.

How about telling them that Satan loves them and wants them to join his family? I've printed up some leaflets about Satan and I keep a couple in my laptop bag just in case I run into a fundy. I'll post the .pdf later on.

 

When in shock, which isn't all the time but it does happen, I tend to resort to a number of "baiting" statements until I regain my wits. I usually don't want them to leave unless I am very busy. I would rather play with them for a while than have them out possibly attacking a "winnable" soul.

 

"God/Jesus could never love/accept/forgive me."

"Sometimes I think I was put here to hurt others."

"Uh huh?"

"Yeah?" [These last two are when I am really shocked... make sure you sound really questioning and give them time to respond -- they will]

"I've heard a lot of things about Jesus but don't know what to believe."

 

And a bunch of other "baiting" statements. Most of the time, I don't even think but go with my instincts on which one will hook the person. The first one, in bold, is universal and is probably the most effective. Any combination of those statements and you will have plenty of time to gather your wits as long as you keep shrugging your shoulders while the person talks at you.

 

After that, I just keep baiting them and having fun. I make them feel like I am moments away from a major breakthrough but never let them reach it. It can be lots of fun -- if you know what you're doing. I used to do some street witnessing so I know what they look for and can keep them occupied for a long time.

 

Once you have them hooked... how you want to deal with them is your business. The Socratic method (mentioned above) is always good if you want to bring some thought into their lives. All I want to do is waste their time and get them emotionally invested in my salvation... so I can walk away at the end and leave them empty. But you can try to sneak logic and deconversion in there... but they will run if you're too strong... so keep baiting and make all logic and questions appear to be "hurdles" to your acceptance of Christ so they keep working with you. And refuse to go anywhere or meet anyone else. Make the person handle it on their own and make it clear that once they leave, you walk away and will never see them again... and will likely never consider Jesus again also.

Dude, that's evil! I love it!

 

My favorite thing to do is to evangelize right back.

 

"Oh, you poor misguided thing... you've never heard of Eris, Goddess of Chaos... Well, here... let me talk to you about this Goddess who will Save Your Sanity. Can I buy you a coffee?"

 

And I will, because it's worth it, the price of a coffee, for me to start inundating them with utter blasphemy and madness, with such a tone of seriousness on my face.

 

I think I'm going to rip off some Chick Tracts' images and make my own Discordian Tract to hand out.

 

I can play this game too, and it can be fun.

I do the same thing with deities from Dungeons and Dragons. "Do you know that my god, Mystra...", "Have you heard the gospels of Tyr?", "Would you like me to pray to Helm for strength for you?", "Get the fuck away from me before I curse you with a curse of Tymora".

[BCRoyWatson]

Wow, my first post here. I just jumped into this thread because it's discussing one of my pet peeves ...

 

I don't engage in conversations with evagelists beyond various forms of "I'm not interested." After two years of living in Montgomery, AL, my tolerance for evagelical nonsense is in the negative numbers.

 

Yep, I'm in the Bible belt too, and that pretty much sums up my attitude toward proselytizers. On top of that, I'm just not interested in converting them, or shaking them from their beliefs. If they wanna get together on Sundays and practice that crap, fine and dandy. Although some atheists would get furious if a Christmas tree was displayed on a courthouse lawn in December, I really don't give a shit about that. As far as I'm concerned, if they wanna believe in Xtianity, fine; just keep it away from me.

 

I learned early that Zealots don't understand manners.

 

Bingo. My usual rule is, whatever my response is, be completely unapologetic, uncompromising, and firm. Don't equivocate. Don't be embarrassed. And this means, don't be polite; not in the slightest. The reason is that Xtian proselytizers (at least in my experience) don't understand manners. (Actually, I think that quite a few of them do understand them. But they also understand that most people are taught to be respectful of others' beliefs, and so the average person when accosted by a proselytizer will react courteously and respectfully no matter how obnoxious the proselytizer acts ... and most proselytizers, whether consciously or not, seem to rely on this when harassing their victims.)

 

Before I continue, I should note that the ones I encounter around here tend to be of the door-to-door variety. ("We'd like to invite you to come to Easter services," et cetera). Now, the way I see it is this; I didn't invite that person to show up unannounced on my doorstep. So let me compare the encounter to another one in which someone shows up uninvited to try to influence my opinions and beliefs -- a door-to-door political campaigner. If such a person handed me a "Vote for Smith" pamphlet, and I engaged in a little chit-chat then said, "well, thank you for coming by," that campaigner would immediately understand that to mean, "I want to end this conversation now."

 

If I said, "I understand that you believe in what Smith stands for, and I respect your convictions, but I just don't agree with it," the campaigner would understand this to mean, "I'm voting for the other candidate, and you're not gonna change my mind."

 

If I said (in a half-bored tone of voice), "I really don't have time to talk, but I'll look over that pamplet a little later," the campaigner would understand this to mean, "My PC desk is getting those nasty rings on it because I've run out of coffee coasters; that piece of paper looks like it would do nicely."

 

In all of those cases, the campaigner would most likely say, "ok, thank you for your time, and if you think of any other questions, our phone number is at the bottom of the pamphlet; have a nice day!"

 

But a proselytizer won't react this way. To him or her, "thank you for coming by" means "I'm really glad you came by, and I enjoyed hearing what you had to say about Christianity" -- to which the proselytizer thinks, "oh, good, I can come back and bug him some more later!"

 

"I respect your convictions" means "there's something about Christianity that I find appealing" -- to which the proselytizer thinks, "he's leaning toward converting; he's just not quite ready to admit it out loud yet."

 

"I'll read your pamphlet later" means "I'd like to learn more about Christianity, and am willing to read anything your give me; I really don't have time to do it at this moment, that's all."

 

Et cetera. The point being that (at least in my experience) all the expressions, phrases, and so forth that are part of etiquette, "social grease," or whatever you wanna call it, can and will be misunderstood by an ardent proselytizer as evidence of uncertainty, and of a hidden desire to hear their message.

 

So, here's my approach in most cases. No politeness or friendliness at all (assuming, of course, that the person really is a total stranger); not even the impersonal smile you'd give to someone who asked you directions on the street. Don't be rude; just coldly businesslike. Put on a neutral expression that might be summed up as, "you are a complete stranger to me, I'm not concerned in the slightest with what makes you happy or unhappy, and I place absolutely no value on your good opinion. You mean nothing to me." -- then say in a flat tone, "I'm not interested" or whatever other response is called for. No "thank you," "please," "sorry," "maybe," etc. Just "no."

 

That seems to stop 'em dead in their tracks; there's really not much one can say to that. (Although it can be funny to watch their facial expressions at this point, as they frantically scramble in their minds for some way to respond to this particular slap in the face.) And even the brave few who try some God-squad gambit to go further are usually stopped by "I didn't invite you here; you asked me if I'd like to hear about Jesus (or visit their church, etc.), and I said I'm not interested. Is there something about 'I'm not interested' that you don't understand?" And I don't get a lot of repeat visitors; word gets around, I guess.

 

Anyway, that's what I do most of the time. Doesn't require a lot of preparation, rehearsal, or Bible study; just a quick mental reminder to myself, as soon as they start spouting scripture, that they're intruding uninvited on my life, and that I don't give a shit whether I hurt their feelings or not. But then again ...

 

try shouting 'stop touching my ass I don't know you!'

 

LMAO -- I'm gonna steal that one!

 

- Roy

[Unknowing1]

I let my dogs speak for me.

 

In the past month I have been visited twice by mormans. First time tried to be nice and talked with them but that was a major mistake I couldn't get rid of them until I finally told them I wanted nothing to do with religion. I could tell they were a bit upset with me and felt I was going to hell, their faces changed totally.

 

The next time though I didn't talk to them. I have two dogs, one who weighs 60 lbs and the other who weighs 65 lbs. The 60lb one, Zep, hates anyone coming on our property and will bark his head off. So the next time they came by I cracked open the front door just enough so that they couldn't see me and stood over to the side out of sight. Zep came running and nudged the door open the rest of the way. When he went off, the other dog came running. Seeing how there wasn't much but a storm door between them and 125lbs of crazed dogs they hightailed it on down the street.

 

Only problem was they accosted my son as he walked home from the bus stop and tried to convert him. He just took the pamphlet, came home and threw it away. Note to self: explain to son that there is no bigger stranger danger than two men in white shirts and ties walking around in the middle of the day, wearing name tags proclaiming they are mormans and handing out religious mumbo jumbo. If these types of individuals come up to him, scream at the top of lungs "leave me alone, stop touching my butt, I don't know you" and run to the the nearest neighbors house. :-)

 

In a way I am serious, no one in their right mind should approach a child regardless of the message unless the child is in danger. They are strangers. Had my son been a bit younger I probably would have tracked them down and given them a piece of my mind in addition to filing a police report. Let the police figure out if they were harmless. My son is 14 and on the smaller size for his age so just looking at him he could pass for 12.

[UnholyBlackDeath]

Well, last time they knocked on my door, it was noon on a Saturday morning! I saw them through the peep hole and I had just gotten out of bed. I just answered the door naked. I did not have to say anything, they just left. I do not even know which religion they were from.

[Jessica Sideways]

In the past month I have been visited twice by mormans. First time tried to be nice and talked with them but that was a major mistake I couldn't get rid of them until I finally told them I wanted nothing to do with religion. I could tell they were a bit upset with me and felt I was going to hell, their faces changed totally.

Yeah, I try not to treat people who evangelize to me nice. It only encourages them to fuck with you more.

 

The next time though I didn't talk to them. I have two dogs, one who weighs 60 lbs and the other who weighs 65 lbs. The 60lb one, Zep, hates anyone coming on our property and will bark his head off. So the next time they came by I cracked open the front door just enough so that they couldn't see me and stood over to the side out of sight. Zep came running and nudged the door open the rest of the way. When he went off, the other dog came running. Seeing how there wasn't much but a storm door between them and 125lbs of crazed dogs they hightailed it on down the street.

Nice!

 

Only problem was they accosted my son as he walked home from the bus stop and tried to convert him. He just took the pamphlet, came home and threw it away. Note to self: explain to son that there is no bigger stranger danger than two men in white shirts and ties walking around in the middle of the day, wearing name tags proclaiming they are mormans and handing out religious mumbo jumbo. If these types of individuals come up to him, scream at the top of lungs "leave me alone, stop touching my butt, I don't know you" and run to the the nearest neighbors house. :-)

Nice! That's a great thing to teach your children and I believe that it is important that we try to dispose of these mental mormons in any way we can.

 

In a way I am serious, no one in their right mind should approach a child regardless of the message unless the child is in danger. They are strangers. Had my son been a bit younger I probably would have tracked them down and given them a piece of my mind in addition to filing a police report. Let the police figure out if they were harmless. My son is 14 and on the smaller size for his age so just looking at him he could pass for 12.

That's just sick of them. But of course, some evangelists are ignorant jerks.

[BCRoyWatson]

Oh, what the hell, I'm sure the statute of limitations has run out. Here's something I did once, when I was young and stupid ... but as the saying goes, I don't recommend trying this at home ...

 

One of the varieties of pest we have to endure every so often around here (Bible Belt South) is the "put the ten commandments in the schools and courthouses" crowd. Every few years, they'll get some sympathetic judge or school superintendent to go along with them and display the damned things ... the lawsuits will start flying ... the courts will order the displays removed ... then the God Squad will wait a few years, hope everyone's forgotten that such displays are blatantly unconstitutional, and start up all over again (wasting horrendous amounts of the judicial system's time and public money in the process).

 

A few years back, during one of these evangelical spells, I was driving out of town one day, got a headache, and pulled off the Interstate to a Wal-Mart for some Tylenol. Inside, there was a Christian idiot standing in one of the open areas trying to get people to sign a "commandments in the courthouse" petition. He was trying to strike up a conversation with anyone who walked by, without much success; most of the people there were just avoiding him. I came up with an idea for how to really mess with his mind. In retrospect, it was one of the stupidest things I've done in my adult life; I probably could have at least been arrested for criminal mischief or something similar. But I figured I was safe enough; there weren't very many people in the place, and if he had complained about it, it would have just been his word against mine as to what was actually said. Also, I was pretty far away from home, and figured I'd never see the guy again. So I decided to forgo the Tylenol (ended up getting it from a gas station down the road), and went for Plan B ...

 

First, I grabbed one of those little hand-baskets people use when they only want to get a few things through the express lane. I put about a half-dozen items in it, just enough to make it look like I was really shopping for stuff. One of the items was from the sporting goods department; a genital protector, also known as an "athletic cup." If you've a guy and at least played on a Little League team, you know exactly what I'm talking about ...

 

Next, I went over to where the fundy was campaigning. Didn't approach him directly, just acted like I was shopping near him. I figured he'd approach me, which he did. Nobody else around; so far so good ...

 

After he asked, "can I talk to you," he went into the usual spiel, talking about how "this country is a Christian nation," "our public symbols should reflect our shared values," and "we're all good Christians around here." (One thing fundies often assume is that everyone around them is just like them.) I waited long enough to let him establish what he was talking about, then interrupted him.

 

Before I continue -- As I said, I live in the South, in the Bible Belt. Lived around here all my life, and most of that time I've been a rural Southerner. And I talk like one. Most of the time, I've got a light drawl and don't really sound redneck, but I can put on the full-blown "good ole boy" voice at whim, usually for humor when talking to friends, but occasionally for moments like this -- which I did here.

 

But the overall effect I was trying for ... well, imagine Jack Nicholson as Randle Patrick McMurphy in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest," grinning at you conspiratorially as he half-whispers some raunchy story about the best cathouse he ever visited, and doing it in a way that makes you suspect that while he's got your attention, he's also reaching around to quietly pick your pocket. I don't know if what I actually did could be precisely described as a hillbilly version of Nicholson-as-McMurphy, but it seemed to achieve the effect I intended. Suffice it to say that during this conversation, in addition to the redneck vocabulary and inflections, I was standing just a little too close to the fundy, voice lowered while grinning a little at him in a "just between us" manner, eyes a little too wide and looking at him just a little too directly. Anyway, the ensuing conversation went something like this ...

 

Him: [blah blah blah ...] we're all good Christians here --

 

Me: -- So yer a good Christian then?

 

Him: Yeah, sure am, wouldn't be here otherwise.

 

Me: Yer goin' to heaven?

 

Him: Well, I hope so. None of us really deserve it, but yeah, if I can stay on the path, yes.

 

Me: Then you wouldn't wanna actually do somethin' ... or let somethin' happen to ya ... that'd keep you outta heaven, right?

 

Him: Absolutely right, of course not.

 

Me: You got yer Bible with ya?

 

Him: Sure have, right here. (Reaches for it.)

 

Me: I want ya to look up somethin' for me, would ya do that?

 

Him: Sure.

 

Me: OK, then. Deuteronomy 23, verse 1.

 

Him: All right, just a second. (He proceeded to look up the verse, which reads, "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not be admitted into the House of the Lord." While he was reading, I retrieved the athletic cup from my shopping basket. When he found it, he looked back up at me uncertainly.)

 

Me: Didja read it?

 

Him: Err, yeah. And?

 

Me: I think ya prob'ly need this more than I do. (I handed the athletic cup to him. He knew something weird was definitely afoot, but didn't know what. I leaned in a little closer, let the grin go slightly wider, lowered my voice, and kept hard eye contact with him.)

 

Him: (Quizzically) Err .. OK ...

 

Me: Oh, yeah. Because ya see, we're not all good Christ'ns like you. I ain't. No sir -- 'n fact, I ain't like you at all. An' buddy, nex' time you come preachin' at me ... I'm gonna kick you in the nuts.

 

He froze, wide-eyed. I'm not sure if he was actually scared or not, and I didn't want him to think I was gonna do it for real, right that moment ... I just wanted him to think that I at least liked the idea, and that there was a small but very real chance, maybe one in twenty, that I might really do it if he tried to prolong the conversation. I held the grin and kept the gaze locked. He didn't move. After a beat, I nodded at him and walked away. As I turned the corner to (apparently) go toward the frozen foods aisle, I looked back toward him (he was staring at me with the same "what the fuck" look on his face) ... then grinned and nodded again. I don't know what he did after that; the moment I was out of sight I left the basket on the floor and quietly maneuvered myself out of there.

 

Ah, memories.

 

- Roy

[Garnet]

BC....awesome!

[Purple]

BC....awesome!

Haaaaahahahahahahaha that's beautiful

[Jessica Sideways]

BC....awesome!

Haaaaahahahahahahaha that's beautiful

Yes, that is just awesome dude!