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I'm A Bit Scared But I Have To Do This


Guest deal r
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Guest deal r

I've been reading this and other forums for a while now and think that it's time that I put my story down in words, I reckon that it might help me to sort out my head which has been a bit of a mess for a good while now. From what I have read of other people's stories they seem to express fear of hell and such like when trying to get rid of their ideas. This is not the source of my fear, firstly the whole internet thing freaks me out a bit anyway and secondly I am terrified that any one of my family may come across this, maybe while evangelising and the repercussions would be major. I can deal with any direct repercussions such as being discommunicated but I don't want to hurt people. My Mum and brother would rather I was a criminal or junkie as I could just ask for forgiveness once sorry. The things that I am going to be saying in their opinion condemn me to a lake of fire for eternity, definitely worse than telling them that I have an incurable illness or anything. I really don't want to make them unhappy.

 

My earliest memories of church are of all of my family (Mum, Dad, me and 2 brothers) attending a fairly boring Methodist church in Cornwall, England. This was apparently my parent's last attempt to find a church that they were both happy to attend because when I was 9 my Dad started going to the local Anglican church and my Mum started going down the road of Pentecostalism. My older brother was 18 and dropped out and denounced Christianity completely. He got very heavily involved in drugs and I think that this influenced my Mum to want a stricter Christian upbringing for us. My Mum started attending a local meeting on a Saturday night at the Gospel Lighthouse, we used to go along sometimes to watch videos of the end times, to be honest I was never scared of them and quite enjoyed them as disaster movies, it's as fun watching someone trying to survive without the mark of the beast as it is someone trying to divert an asteroid.

 

We quickly got very involved in the church as a whole. We attended on Saturday evenings, three times on a Sunday and a Youth meeting on Friday. My Mum also went to bible studies and prayer meetings in between. We also helped to run a bookshop, cafe and playgroup. To be honest most of it I enjoyed although I absolutely refused to dance, even when ordered to do so. It was only the two main meetings on Sundays that I didn't like. I had to wear a skirt and a hat for these. It makes me laugh now that it was accepted that we would fall asleep in them and we would even joke about who fell asleep first, however when I questioned the point of going to church to fall asleep I was told that we didn't go to church to be entertained, it was where God wanted us. My Mum got especially involved in the work in the rough estates (yes there are some in Cornwall). She was always inviting various people to come and live with us sometimes for years at a time so while we lived in a large 5 bed detached house I actually had to share a room with my brother until I was 17 due to the house being full of alcoholics and problem kids. My Dad was not happy. I certainly don't have a problem with offering help to those in need but it was definitely at our expense.

 

We were prevented from doing any non-church activities, in case anything might happen on a Sunday! I was just sent to piano lessons basically because it was a skill that I could use in the church at some point. I had been prophesied over regarding my musical gift. I am not remotely gifted musically and although I did eventually learn to read music and reproduce it to a fairly high standard, if you sit me in front of a piano without sheet music I am hardly able to pick out a tune. I am however glad that I was sent to a normal secondary school although because I only ever knew the rough kids from my Mum's work I didn't fit in very well. My Mum also started picking kids up in a minibus every morning so that we could have a prayer meeting before school. Masses of kids came basically because they got a lift to school. There would often be 30 or 40 kids in a 15 seater bus and in the melee while my Mum was driving, one of the lads would put me on the floor and grind on top of me. I had no idea what he was doing (I was about 12) I didn't have a concept of sex at all, nobody told me it was wrong, in fact to my knowledge nobody had ever mentioned it. This lad would choose between me or a fat girl and although I didn't know what it was I wanted to be chosen so I would let him do it. At some point I was given a book entitled 'Help me God I'm growing up'. I never read it.

 

My education was going downhill by this point. I had started off as an extremely bright child, apparently reading at 18 months, when I started school at 4 I did some kind of ability test and came out with the level of a 13 year old. However by the time I was actually 13 I was doing very little in school. The teachers didn't bother with me too much since I wasn't disruptive and it never occurred to my parents to check on my progress, I was a Christian, of course I would do very well. Occasionally my Mum

would receive a letter about my attendance which was getting a bit patchy. She didn't even bother to ask me about them but just declared them as a computer error. I definitely get the impression she wasn't too interested in my education anyway, I would surely just marry a Godly man and look after his needs and serve the church. I eventually left school with fairly average grades.

 

When I was 15, the church fell apart, basically because it turned out that the pastor had been sleeping with half of the women, including my Mum. Strangely even though she left because she blew the whistle, she encouraged me to carry on there. I am amazed that she was comfortable with this because he started trying to control my behaviour more directly and I assume that had I stayed he would have tried it on with me. She left me in this situation even though she now says that he sometimes raped her. I left independantly and joined my Mum's next church with her.

 

When I was 16, my Mum calmly told me one day that my Dad was a gay paedophile. She said that she had to stay with him because divorce is wrong so this is obviously where God wanted her. She believed it was her calling to love the unlovable. I didn't even react and told Mum that I already knew to avoid a conversation. It was only years later that I realised what a huge deal this was. I appear to have become emotionally void by this point. I had no gauge to judge my moral standards by apart from a very inconsistent religious viewpoint. There was never any emotion in our house and I hadn't a clue about relationships. Therefore when a lad I knew kept harrassing me to date him I eventually agreed, I didn't want a boyfriend but figured I was probably going to have to have one one day so I said yes. I didn't even like him! When he asked me if I would like to see his penis one day I said OK but only because he seemed to want to show me. I still had no idea why or what to do with it. I was just as naive as at 12. He started screwing me with me just letting him. I did decide at this point that I didn't want this but he kept blackmailing me into staying with him.

 

I left home at 18 to do some voluntary work with disabled people. On my first Sunday away from home I caught the bus in full Sunday regalia including a hat to church, basically to prove my Mum wrong that I would not 'backslide' once away from her influence. I soon realised that this was ridiculous and wore what I wanted to church. When I applied for this job I wrote that I would not be prepared to accompany anyone to the pub. I thought that they were terrifyingly sinful places. Nobody had taken any notice of this and I had to go to pubs. Again, discovering that everyone wasn't the raving alcoholics that I thought that they were I very quickly realised how silly my whole background was and was soon getting drunk with the rest of them. I started a relationship with one of the disabled residents and fell pregnant very quickly. It wasn't particularly serious at that point but without even thinking about it I married him, (surely that was what had to happen). This particular man had Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and was already at least three years past his life expectancy and very severely disabled. In the end we were actually married for 10 years and it wasn't too bad considering I now realise that we probably didn't really love each other, at that point in time I don't think that either of us had the capacity to do so. I think I was content because I didn't know what love was. We actually had a pretty good friendship. I thought that my Mum would go mad about the pregnancy but she told me that because of her affair with the pastor she couldn't judge me. Well done Mum! She actually fell pregnant by him at some point although she miscarried before it were obvious, it would have been interesting though since he was the only black person we knew.

 

Somehow I let Christianity go on the backburner for these 10 years. I got to the point where I attended church reasonably regularly but had nothing to do with church activities and was quite happy to make decisions on issues as they came up, however I didn't think too deeply about it. 2 years ago I started an affair although with my husband's knowledge, we had already discussed having other relationships and that he shouldn't be dependant on me because of his disability. I was also confident that having lived 13 years past his life expectancy that he was perfectly capable of living independantly successfully (with carers). He wasn't going to die any time soon. I told my Mum that I was leaving him, even though she implied that she would have nothing to do with me due to the fear of God. When it became obvious that I was going ahead anyway she completely changed position and said that it was probably his fault. Fear of God? I don't know what happened to that. She can excuse us deciding to amicably split but will not divorce a gay paedophile (I think the gay part is worse for her).

 

My first husband died tragically three weeks after we split. My Mum said that this was because he was no longer under my safe umbrella of being a Christian! I could do without her indirectly blaming me for his death. My second husband is into philosophy and although his views are different to mine it has made me think about things properly. I am a theist and have very certain views on spirituality. I still label myself as a Christian basically because I think that I am closer to Christ's teachings than the church. I've been through some truly ridiculous things at the hands of the faithful and I think that this enables me to distinguish between the useful and the absurd. I am about as openminded as you can get and am in the process of evaluating everything but I will not endorse any idea which contravenes logic. God (to be God) must be omnipresent, omnipotent and fair, I am not interested in a God who would give some members of a population that he creates an unfair advantage in finding him. So although I still use Christianity as a basis I would definitely think that the other religions have just as much truth in them.

 

I don't know how long people usually write these things but it really felt good to write all this down. I doubt anyone will get this far but if you do, thanks for reading.

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Deal, welcome to the forums. I am going to read your testimony now, but I just wanted to say hello and welcome.

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God (to be God) must be omnipresent, omnipotent and fair, I am not interested in a God who would give some members of a population that he creates an unfair advantage in finding him.

I think this is brilliant, and I think your honesty is beautiful.

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I read your entire post, Deal. Many parallels with my own. Maybe I don't mention this part in that post. The absolute control of mom over me and my life is very much like your own. It took a lot to break free. I had to break free from that before I could get on with my life. It sounds like you were the same way. Congratulations!

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Guest Arion

I can't really say much on your past, but I can say your future is as bright as you wish to make it, live on, live long, and live hard. :D

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Guest fresh_dg87
So although I still use Christianity as a basis I would definitely think that the other religions have just as much truth in them.

 

You cannot be a Christian and at the same time believe "other religions have truth in them also" because if you believe that, you are saying Jesus Christ is a liar. Jesus Himself says "there is only one way" and that only "He is the truth." So if you are a true Christian, you will believe in Jesus, and you will believe in what He claims. Jesus claims He is the only truth and all others are false ways, so if you believe otherwise, you not only declare Jesus a liar, but you reject Him and are not a true Christian in reality.

 

fresh_dg87,

 

The next time you read this post freshie, you'll be doing so from the outside in. Became right forkin' obvious you can't read the few Rules we DO have here at ExC, then you go on to insult and speak bullshit on one of the folks who make this little spot on web work.

 

The Boss gives me a gracious lattitude to either welcome folks in, or kick them in the nuts as I toss them back out the front door.

 

Think you may be smart enough to figure which award you've been given.

 

Scant advise I'll offer is this: "Read the Rules on the next boardset you troll before posting."

 

kevinFuckin'L

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You cannot be a Christian and at the same time believe "other religions have truth in them also" because if you believe that, you are saying Jesus Christ is a liar. Jesus Himself says "there is only one way" and that only "He is the truth." So if you are a true Christian, you will believe in Jesus, and you will believe in what He claims. Jesus claims He is the only truth and all others are false ways, so if you believe otherwise, you not only declare Jesus a liar, but you reject Him and are not a true Christian in reality.

 

 

No one here cares what you think.... further more, Fundamentalist Christians are not allowed to post in this section.

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Guest fresh_dg87
No one here cares what you think.... further more, Fundamentalist Christians are not allowed to post in this section.

 

I don't care what you think, and I could care less about if nobody here cares what I think. You fail to understand that I didn't post what I posted for everyone on this forum, I posted it solely for the individual I addressed and quoted. But thank you for reading my post anyway.

 

Dear freshie..

 

Y'all oughta learn that when you don't care, neither does the Board Trash Hauler and Cleaner of piles of steaming bullshavings..

 

See ya. First post here was not_good. Second post and its tone have helped earn you the "Adrift on the 'net, no place to troll" award. Go thee and enjoy it.

 

kFL

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Guest Arion

First off, both of you should calm down and back off....this is a welcome forum for our new friend, if you cannot respect that, then go elsewhere. Second, if I'm correct in my thinking, she does as my fiance does, while she does not believe all of what the church teaches, she does base most of her beliefs off of it's teachings. Third, if you cannot respect what others believe, I would suggest you not return here as this is a place of freethinkers.

 

I deeply apologize for your having to witness the bad apples of religion deal. I wish I could promise to keep this kind of thing away from this place, but unfortunately, people who think like this will always be around in one form or another, and they will always find ways to attack those who are not the same. I hope you can accept my apology for this...situation.

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I don't care what you think, and I could care less about if nobody here cares what I think. You fail to understand that I didn't post what I posted for everyone on this forum, I posted it solely for the individual I addressed and quoted. But thank you for reading my post anyway.

 

and thank you for reading the forum rules before posting....oh wait..you didn't. :twitch: I'll leave it to the mods to remove your post, as I'm sure they will.

 

in any case deal r, don't let the idiot fundies bother you, and welcome to the site. :grin:

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When I was 15, the church fell apart, basically because it turned out that the pastor had been sleeping with half of the women, including my Mum. ...  She actually fell pregnant by him at some point although she miscarried before it were obvious, it would have been interesting though since he was the only black person we knew.

:lmao: Too funny! You can't make stuff like this up!

 

Seriously, though, I totally understand your concern about having your family find out, as I deal with this problem myself. Welcome and best wishes for the future.

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Guest deal r

Quite fun to discover that I have already caused controversy without meaning to. Some people have already given me a hard time because they insist that as soon as I use the word christian that I must conform to their experience of fundamentalism. I use the word Christian because I get so irritated that the other people that do so use it for the pure reason that they enter a church at least once a week and then follow some arbitrary rules that are imposed on them by some kind of Pastor. Jesus said that he is the only way, FUNDIES interpret this as you must believe specifically that Jesus died for your sins and that is the only way. As I said before I will not believe anything that contravenes logic or fairness. Therefore if Jesus had any truth at all then he must be in possession of a truth that is accessible by the whole population not just those that have heard of Jesus. As I said because of my cultural upbringing I use Christianity as my basis but I do not believe that they can be the only holders of truth, it would condemn most of the population to a fiery end despite the fact that they have had no opportunity whatsoever to redeem themselves. To be honest the verdict is out on Jesus totally because of the fact that he appears to be based on pagan stuff but at present it still serves a purpose for me, and I am at present comfortable with that, it may change. No doubt I'll still be shouted at, but hey.

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Welcome, Deal.

 

Like RubySera, I can find a lot of common ground with you. Welcome to the club of those of us whose parents who served us up a dysfunctional mess, inextricably intertwined with an oppressive, heavy hitting form of xianity. You will find some courageous people with amazing stories among our ranks.

 

It's not you that were controversial. There are not a lot of restrictive rules here, but this one is in place for good reason: the "Testimonies of Former Christians" forum is a place where many post rather sensitive testimonies, and there are some posters to this section who may have fresh wounds. It is not a section to browbeat those who open threads here, nor is it a section for people to proselytize in. kFL was on the ball and handled the situation entirely appropriately.

 

Please enjoy perusing the forums. There's a lot of good stuff posted here.

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Guest deal r

Sorry, I get it now, I've never posted on forums before and I couldn't figure out who was speaking to who. The fact that you were calling the guy freshie, I didn't realise that that was his user name and thought that you were referring to me as a new person. I couldn't understand why I was being I was being called a fundie. Oops, I'm very thick it seems.

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Oops, I'm very thick it seems.

I don't think you're thick Deal. I think you're just getting used to this format, that's all.

 

Please don't mind the narrow-minded, pin-headed fundies. We get them here occassionally.

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Ms deal_r,

 

The smartass who felt as though he/she/it had to try and tear into you isn't coming back anytime soon.

 

This section as mentioned is the one spot on ExC that is forbidden for the hardcore evangelists and any with their love of gawHd to post period..

 

Welcome to ExC, feel free to join in into the Community.

 

kFL

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Sorry, I get it now, I've never posted on forums before and I couldn't figure out who was speaking to who. The fact that you were calling the guy freshie, I didn't realise that that was his user name and thought that you were referring to me as a new person. I couldn't understand why I was being I was being called a fundie. Oops, I'm very thick it seems.

 

no problem, sorry you thought I was referring to you inadvertently, especially since my purpose was to defend your right to post in this section without being interrupted by idiots like fresh_dg who apparently can't read forum rules...

 

he is probably busy telling all his fundie friends how we persecuted him for being a Christian :Wendywhatever:

 

Anyway welcome to the site :grin:

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wow, that's quite a story.

good luck!

 

it brings to mind one of my favorite poems:

 

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

 

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

 

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

 

~philip larkin

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Welcome to the forum, deal r. Some parts of your story sound familiar to me. I also came from a dysfunctional family, and was kept ignorant of sex so that by the age of 12 others used me. Though the details are different, we have traveled common ground.

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Quite fun to discover that I have already caused controversy without meaning to. Some people have already given me a hard time because they insist that as soon as I use the word christian that I must conform to their experience of fundamentalism. I use the word Christian because I get so irritated that the other people that do so use it for the pure reason that they enter a church at least once a week and then follow some arbitrary rules that are imposed on them by some kind of Pastor. Jesus said that he is the only way, FUNDIES interpret this as you must believe specifically that Jesus died for your sins and that is the only way. As I said before I will not believe anything that contravenes logic or fairness. Therefore if Jesus had any truth at all then he must be in possession of a truth that is accessible by the whole population not just those that have heard of Jesus. As I said because of my cultural upbringing I use Christianity as my basis but I do not believe that they can be the only holders of truth, it would condemn most of the population to a fiery end despite the fact that they have had no opportunity whatsoever to redeem themselves. To be honest the verdict is out on Jesus totally because of the fact that he appears to be based on pagan stuff but at present it still serves a purpose for me, and I am at present comfortable with that, it may change. No doubt I'll still be shouted at, but hey.

Welcome deal!

 

You won't hear any shouting from me and probably not from most other members here. All any of us want is an understanding that includes everyone.

 

I love your understanding and applaud you for coming out of your childhood with such insight!

 

It's great to have you here.

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