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If The Rapture Occurs...


Lightbearer
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(calls up Tiamat)

 

"Hi, girlfriend! See the news? People floating up into the sky? Yeah, thought so. Good riddance, the lot of them.

 

"Okay, here's the plan. You lock down the Arabian Peninsula and Africa; I'll do the Americas; Shiva and Durga will handle points east and south; and Dad'll get Europe secured. When that shit Yahweh finally gets his butt back down here he's in for a wee bit of a surprise.

 

"Omniscient? Him? (laughter) You're kidding me, right, Tia? He couldn't even handle that snake..."

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My first thought would be, holy shit who slipped me a hit of acid! Following this I woud expect to see an old woman peddling a bicyle with a basket on the front with a little dog in it, going round and round up a tornado, then little people with lolly-pops showing me a cool spiralling yellow roadway to travel to find my salvation. Yeah, my first thought would be that my mind had gone.

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The reason I asked was because Christians always throw this hypothetical situation at you. My response wouldn't be "OMG JESUS CAME BACK!?" because seriously, no one would have a clue what was going on. It could be aliens or something for all we knew.

 

It's kind of funny and interesting to think about.

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The reason I asked was because Christians always throw this hypothetical situation at you. My response wouldn't be "OMG JESUS CAME BACK!?" because seriously, no one would have a clue what was going on. It could be aliens or something for all we knew.

 

It's kind of funny and interesting to think about.

Well, that's a different question. How I would respond to a Christian asking me a question which is obviously meant to be a leading question to witness to a poor lost soul. My response would be to say to them, "What would you think if Zeus came back, or if Poseidon suddenly appeared standing 1 mile high in the water off the Eastern coastline of America? My reaction to Jesus appearing would be no different than yours at seeing these other gods. How would anybody respond to any fictional character coming to life? Wouldn't you be bewildered to see Paul Bunyan standing over your house?"

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I would exclaim, "Holy shit! All of that religious bullshit actually is TRUE! Jesus is Lard! Glory!"

 

Then I would call the FAA and advise them of the situation so they could warn planes to avoid the flying people.

 

Then I would grab a telescope so that while I was enjoying millions of cheap thrills I could also confirm for myself through His flying flock whether or not the wind blew the Magic Sky Man's clothes off when He ascended to the Sky Kingdom all of those many years ago to live with the Holy Farter who is also somehow magically Him.

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Then I would call the FAA and advise them of the situation so they could warn planes to avoid the flying people.

I better clock up my flying hours on MS flight simulator just in case the pilots are born again christians and it happens on the 1st of June between 0600 and 1100 gmt+22 hours, special emphasis on evasive maneuvers.

 

True blue hero stuff!

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Then I would call the FAA and advise them of the situation so they could warn planes to avoid the flying people.

:lmao:

 

Good idea.....we wouldn't want Jesus or one of the flock to get inadvertantly sucked into the turbine engine of a Boeing 757 and ground into hamburger meat on that glorious day. That would be a real bummer :grin:

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Well, since the only likely rapturee will probably be some reclusive bearded nature nut in the mountains of Appalachia, I'm pretty sure we won't know till Jesus comes back for everybody and tells us it happened like 7 years prior.

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What would be your first thought?

 

 

Mine would be something along the lines of "Well... fuck you to, Jesus!"

 

Well, I'd probably spend a bit of time trying to figure out which particular end of the world I was dealing with. I mean, are we dealing with Titans, or the last battle of Valhalla, or Giant Dragons that eat sky.

 

Then I would pray to be eaten first. I won't mind if I'm not eaten first though, because I'll be insane, and I won't care. So, I'm pretty confident I'll end up like most everyone else...well, everyone else really.

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Then I would call the FAA and advise them of the situation so they could warn planes to avoid the flying people.

:lmao:

 

Good idea.....we wouldn't want Jesus or one of the flock to get inadvertantly sucked into the turbine engine of a Boeing 757 and ground into hamburger meat on that glorious day. That would be a real bummer :grin:

 

Well, if that happened, we could all feast on Kryasst Burgers and Believer Nuggets! Glory! :grin:

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Then I would call the FAA and advise them of the situation so they could warn planes to avoid the flying people.

:lmao:

 

Good idea.....we wouldn't want Jesus or one of the flock to get inadvertantly sucked into the turbine engine of a Boeing 757 and ground into hamburger meat on that glorious day. That would be a real bummer :grin:

 

Well, if that happened, we could all feast on Kryasst Burgers and Believer Nuggets! Glory! :grin:

 

I dunno. Might hurt the plane to get all those crackers and wine into the engines that way. To say nothing of the fish he'll probably have hidden in his pockets.

 

I sure hope it isn't raining. Otherwise the savior might dissolve before the fundies get taken off. Those little waffers don't last in water, and I've no real desire to get stuck with watered down wine.

 

I do wonder though, if the saviour was ground into burger meat. Would it be enough to hold a barbecue for everyone at the mount?

 

Man, now I'm hungry, and I've the strangest urge to eat ground pork on a cracker...

 

Hey, maybe that's why he hasn't come back yet? The church is threatening god?

 

Would you come back if all these people were performing a symbolic ritual that involved eating you? I'd be nervous.

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