14 Things To Do If You Miss The Rapture

[Heimdall]

1) Grab yourself your new car. In the South, at least, there’s a pretty common bumper sticker that says the car will be unmanned in case of Rapture. That there is an invitation if I ever heard one. Keep a mental list of the makes and models of all the cars the fundies you know drive, so you don’t waste time helping yourself to the one you like in case of Rapture.

 

2) While you’re at it, get yourself those Left Behind books. You don’t have to actually purchase those either, considering that most of the Christian book store owners and employees will be up in heaven singing holy holy all day and gloating. The Rapture is not actually in the Bible, so you won’t be able to turn to that book to get any information on how to proceed, so you’ll need to get your hands on these books immediately.

 

3) Party down. All the tight-lipped misanthropes who want to ban ****ing, drinking, and just generally enjoying yourself got sucked up to heaven. It’s time to have fun. Since they were in fact proven right, you’ll probably want to get “saved” eventually, but according to your new holy books, the Left Behind series, you have seven years before the hammer actually comes down. Enjoy them and then at the last minute convert. According to their own system, they have to let you in as long as you work in a “Jesus saves!” before you croak.

 

4) Start a betting pool on who the Anti-Christ will turn out to be. The Pope is actually a long shot. My money’s on Dick Cheney. Bush will be Raptured, of course. He’s got the proper mix of smug piety and sadism that’s the mark of a True Believer.

 

5) Whatever you do, don’t start going to church. According to this list, that’s very dangerous.

 

BEWARE OF A WORLD CHURCH. This church is not of God. Do not back this church. It is from Satan himself. Do not associate with any kind of world church. Beware of Communist agents who will play the role of pastor. Beware of any big church movement after the rapture. Ask Jesus for a spirit of discernment.

 

And since church sucks and you’re waiting until the last minute to get saved anyway, there is no reason to put yourself out.

 

6) Invest in pharmaceticual companies. Specifically, invest in the ones that own the rights to Plan B, the HPV vaccine and the up and coming herpes vaccine. With the vast majority of political opposition to keep these drugs off the market out of the way and with tons of people newly inspired to fornicate, due to the 7 years they get before they have to buckle down and convert, these drug companies stocks are going to go bananas.

 

7) Do not get married and especially don’t have children. Those are the sort of long term investments you shouldn’t get involved in if the end of the world in coming. Before the Rapture, I also strongly suggest that Rapture believers take this advice–if you’re not long for this world, why chance it?

 

8) Become a scientist. If you’ve always wanted to be a scientist, especially a biologist, but were afraid of the future of the career in the face of so much powerful political opposition to the very existence of science, it’s now your time. No one is going to yank your funding now.

 

9) Blog about movies and music more, now that you’re not weighed down blogging all the time about the various threats to reproductive rights.

 

10) Convert your local megachurch into a gay disco. You don’t even have to worry about having the phone number to the bomb squad on hand, since all the potential gay disco bombers got Raptured.

 

11) Start your own TV access show. Most of the airtime is freed up now that all the relentless preaching has no one to actually do it anymore.

 

12) Get a barcode for “999″ tattooed on your arm. For reasons I don’t understand, the Anti-Christ’s followers are going to try to tattoo a barcode for “666″ on your arm, and if you let them do this, you’re going straight to hell, no takebacks. Fake them out with a phony Mark of the Beast.

 

13) STAY AWAY from earthquake faults. This is the advice of the fundie dude that gave me this idea. Seems like sound advice to me. Don’t throw yourself into any live volcanos, either. Generally speaking, this is good advice even if the Rapture never happens.

 

14) Call off the War on Christmas, baseball, Easter, and parents. There’s no one to bother pissing off anymore by needlessly attacking Everything Good. Anyway, that frees up your time so you can say “****” on TV more, since the opposition to that is gone as well.

 

All this is presuming that the people that say they’re on the shortlist to get Raptured are actually on it. I have my doubts–if there really is a Jesus and he’s going to start suctioning people to heaven, I have trouble believing he’s looking for the homophobes, misogynists, racists and sadists who enjoy fantasizing about the suffering of people who don’t conform to their demands that currently populate the fundie ranks. If Jesus has a lick of sense, he’ll snatch up abortion clinic workers, peace activists, and basically everyone rallying for immigration reform in the streets right now. If that happens and you do get left behind, I suggest trying really hard to get into heaven, because now it sounds like a happening place where the party guests are actually worth knowing.

 

This was taken from the Unexplained-Mysteries forums and originally come from here:

http://www.pandagon.net/2006/04/11/14-thin...ss-the-rapture/

 

Heimdall