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If You Are A Christian


Ramen666
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If you are a Christian that means you must believe in the following items,things:

 

Dragons(Revalitions)

 

Magic,spells ( God forbids it so it must be real)

 

Witches and Witchcraft, because those religions have to be true since they are mentioned in the Bible.

 

Talking animals (Snake)

 

A man can turn water into wine

 

All the worlds animals are walking distance from Noah's house

 

The Earth is on pilars and flat ( Bible says it so it must be true right?)

 

People can walk on water???? :scratch: ( Criss Angel can? You say it is just a trick and skeptical but why not about Cheezus)

 

That Mary is as innonocent as they make her out to be.( She is a whore)

 

That the Earth just came out of no where and was created in 6 days (144 hours to be exact)

 

Demons are living umungst us and they cause havoic in our lives. ( Come On???)

 

A Giant fish swallowed a dude and lived....

 

The Tower of Babble was as high as heaven....what the hell?

 

Speaking of hell. you believe in an eternal pressure cooker that will cook anyone not of your chosen belief.

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Teehee ... Lemme add a few ...

 

Since Jesus explicitly said that he would return within the lifetimes of some of those who were alive at the time of the crucifixion ... and that happened 2000 years ago ... and since Jesus hasn't made an encore appearance in all that time ... then some of those 1st Century people must still be alive; that is, there are living humans on Earth right now who are 2000 years old.

 

Cain was exiled with his wife, and they had descendants, which means they had marital relations. Considering the few people who were on Earth at that time, and where they came from, this means that Cain must have either fucked his sister or fucked his mom.

 

If your wife leaves you, but later the two of you reconcile, then later a group of perverts wants to gang-rape her, the Godly thing to do is to let the rapists have their way with her -- she's got it coming, and it's her just punishment for running off in the first place (Judges 19).

 

From Deuteronomy 23 (a real gold mine of wisdom!) -- If any of your ancestors were illegitimate, all the way back to your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents, then you're going to hell (verse 2).

 

In the good old days, whenever a couple couldn't have a child, it was never because of any problem the man had. It was always the woman's fault for being "barren." None of the patriarchs ever had low sperm counts.

 

If you believe the Bible, then you must believe in Bishop Ussher's chronology, or something close to it; that the Earth is 6000 years old.

 

The God you worship is the kind of guy who would kill someone (Er) without giving any kind of a good reason, then kill that person's brother (Onan) for masturbating. (Genesis 38)

 

Jesus hates figs. He really hates them. He must, because he once cursed a fig tree for not having fruit on it, even though he must have known (he's omnipotent, right?) that figs were out of season. (Mark 11)

 

Jesus was one hell of an equestrian -- he once rode into town sitting on a donkey and a horse at the same time (Matthew 21:5). Imagine how long His Legs must have been! He never went to college, so his NCAA eligibility would still be intact; if he ever does return, the UK Wildcats oughta sign him up.

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Don't forget -

 

A talking fiery bush

 

angles (cherubim, seraphim)

 

harpies

 

satyres

 

the tree of knowledge

 

trumpets bringing down walls

 

people coming back to life

 

leprosy being cured

 

blind seeing again

 

a flood that covered Mt. Everest yet the water "drained" away somewhere

 

unicorns

 

leviathans

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So what my point is to the Christians that come here if you don't believe in one of these things such as dragons,witches,spells,talking animals or bushes, why believe in any part of the Babble. These are just examples I am putting on the table of how absurd these are. I am yet been able to talk to snakes (parseltounge :grin: ) I know in fantasy land you can.

 

Why hasn't any of these things happend in the Babble in 2000 years, talking trees,making towers as high as heaven come on this is false and you have to see that by now.

 

I think the dudes who wrote the Babble were smoking something....it must be powerful stuff.

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I think the dudes who wrote the Babble were smoking something....it must be powerful stuff.
Probably cut with something nasty, though. I really wouldn't mind seeing dragons, unicorns, and talking snakes. :crazy:
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Demons are living umungst us and they cause havoic in our lives. ( Come On???)

 

I work in a psychiatric unit. One of the patients at work is a Born Again and has a book which is all about how demons live amongst us and cause havoc in our lives.

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I'd say Mushrooms, looking at Revelations...

 

BTW, Old Wild Bob Price covers the crap you have to buy without question as a Christian, most of it not biblical...

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Also, don't forget the beast with 7 heads,

 

a whore that's riding it,

 

rising to "heaven" in a chariot of fire,

 

144,000 male virgins "completed Jews"

 

The destruction of the "firmament" in Genesis, which some like to claim was a literal crystal-like casing around the Earth (wtf? The goddamned thing would have acted like a magnifying glass!),

 

That it didn't ever rain prior to the flood,

 

The whole thing with necromancy as Christ's ressurection,

 

The contradiction regarding necromancy, that if anyone is found practicing witchcraft/necromancy that they must be put to death,

 

etc, etc, etc.

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Christians also believe people on Crete are liars and drunkards. All of them. Because one of those lying Cretans said so and Paul said that this lying Cretan was telling the truth.

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The one that gets me more than anything is that idea of a resurrection and ascension into "heaven", which Christians must believe because it's core to Christian doctrine - in essence a zombie comes back to life and launches itself into deep space in earthly body form, somehow managing to exit the earth's atmosphere at escape velocity without burning up or disintegrating. Then Astronaut Jesus the Zombie Space Traveller ™ continues his journey through space and time (without any oxygen or protective gear suitable for space travel), leaving our galaxy and traveling on to where? Many Christians dismiss belief in zombies and aliens from space as unreasonable, but then they insist that something this comically absurd is reasonable and true, and we should believe it too :lmao::crazy:

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The one that gets me more than anything is that idea of a resurrection and ascension into "heaven", which Christians must believe because it's core to Christian doctrine

 

Well, if we're getting into core issues, here's my favorite:

 

1) God is omnipotent.

2) God sacrificed Jesus so all those poor pathetic sinners could get into heaven (they don't really deserve to be there since they're merely flawed and imperfect humans, but they get a pass because they accepted Jesus, etc.)

 

Try to reconcile those two statements. There are two possibilities here, neither of which Christians care to endorse, discuss, or for that matter even admit:

 

1) God had to sacrifice Jesus -- if he had not, the doors of heaven wouldn't have been opened to all those saved-sinners. He couldn't have simply issued a divine edict that the standards of admission to heaven would be lowered, and instructed St. Peter, standing at the pearly gates, something like "ok, they don't have to be Christian ... if someone comes along who just looks alright, go ahead and quietly wave 'em in. Those types'll see who's really in charge and come around pretty quickly anyway."

 

But if that were true, if he had to sacrifice Jesus, then that means that there are some things he can't do -- he can't just toss aside the standards of admission to heaven and start letting people in willy-nilly. Not "won't do it," but "can't do it" -- he's unable to. And that means he's not omnipotent. So much for God The Master of Time and Space, Lord of the Universe.

 

2) God didn't have to sacrifice Jesus -- he could have just said "ok, free admission to heaven," but didn't. But in that case, why the sacrifice of Jesus? Keep in mind that, as the legend has it, Jesus got it pretty bad that day; whipped, beaten, thorns, nailed up, speared in the side. Pain, long and hard, followed by death.

 

So what'd Jesus -- God's son -- do to deserve this? Did he stay out after curfew once too often? Come home one Saturday night with a little too much wine on his breath? Knock up one of the cherubim, or have a wild fling with one of Satan's succubi? Who knows ... after all, this is the same God who killed Onan for a little autoeroticism; maybe Jesus was just spanking the monkey, and Daddy found the wet Kleenex. But to the point; either Jesus honestly deserved this death by slow torture, because of some legitimately horrible offense, in which case the idea of being saved by turning to him is a little weird (kinda like adopting Timothy McVeigh as a personal role model) ... or he didn't deserve it, which means, so much for God the Loving and Kind Father Figure; the purported ruler of the universe turns out to be Yahweh The Psychopathic Hardass.

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So what'd Jesus -- God's son -- do to deserve this?

Well, don't forget ...... Jesus is God's son, but he's also God. Well and both are also the holy ghost. Or the other way around. Or something like that :crazy:

 

Basically, God came to earth as himself to sacrafice himself to himself to save us from himself. :crazy: :crazy:

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So what'd Jesus -- God's son -- do to deserve this?

Well, don't forget ...... Jesus is God's son, but he's also God. Well and both are also the holy ghost. Or the other way around. Or something like that :crazy:

 

Basically, God came to earth as himself to sacrafice himself to himself to save us from himself. :crazy: :crazy:

 

Well, don't forget ...... Kryasst is the Holy Farter's son, but he's also the Holy Farter. Well and both are also the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him. Or the other way around. Or something like that. :crazy:

 

Basically, The Holy Farter came to this biblically flat earth as the Magic Sky Man to Croak in the Spook on the big giant stick to sacrifice Himself to Himself to save us from Himself. :crazy: :crazy:

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Basically, God came to earth as himself to sacrafice himself to himself to save us from himself. :crazy: :crazy:

 

Hmmm ... So, when he was on the cross, and said "My Lord, my Lord, why hast thou forsaken me," (Matt 27:46) ... he was talking to himself, but couldn't hear himself. :D:crazy:

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Hmmm ... So, when he was on the cross, and said "My Lord, my Lord, why hast thou forsaken me," (Matt 27:46) ... he was talking to himself, but couldn't hear himself. :D:crazy:
Which means that he isn't omniscient, either. :lmao:
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I think the dudes who wrote the Babble were smoking something....it must be powerful stuff.

You insult those among us who do enjoy the occasional toke.

 

 

No I didn't I am insulting the people who wrote the Babble, while they were smoking that occassional toke and people bought into it.

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Mushrooms. It has to be something that if you took just a smidgen too much, then it would render you permanently insane or dead...

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So what'd Jesus -- God's son -- do to deserve this?

Well, don't forget ...... Jesus is God's son, but he's also God. Well and both are also the holy ghost. Or the other way around. Or something like that :crazy:

 

Basically, God came to earth as himself to sacrafice himself to himself to save us from himself. :crazy: :crazy:

 

No, no! See, Jesus is the son of the Father, who is God, but Jesus is also God, but not the Father, and neither of them are the Holy Ghost, but the Holy Ghost is also God.

 

It sounds even more stupid when you get it right.

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If you are a Christian that means you must believe in the following items,things:

 

Dragons(Revalitions)

 

Magic,spells ( God forbids it so it must be real)

 

Witches and Witchcraft, because those religions have to be true since they are mentioned in the Bible.

 

Talking animals (Snake)

 

A man can turn water into wine

 

All the worlds animals are walking distance from Noah's house

 

The Earth is on pilars and flat ( Bible says it so it must be true right?)

 

People can walk on water???? :scratch: ( Criss Angel can? You say it is just a trick and skeptical but why not about Cheezus)

 

That Mary is as innonocent as they make her out to be.( She is a whore)

 

That the Earth just came out of no where and was created in 6 days (144 hours to be exact)

 

Demons are living umungst us and they cause havoic in our lives. ( Come On???)

 

A Giant fish swallowed a dude and lived....

 

The Tower of Babble was as high as heaven....what the hell?

 

Speaking of hell. you believe in an eternal pressure cooker that will cook anyone not of your chosen belief.

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If you are a Christian that means you must believe in the following items,things:

 

Dragons(Revalitions)

 

 

Sorry for the post goof. Don't forget the power of ptayer for things. "Begging to a earless god". How about the 6 million + Jews who probably prayed in the camps.

How about all those killed in the name of religion? Getting killed for masturbating? Oh, Oh.

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- If you are a woman you must not speak in church

- If you are a woman you must not braid your hair or wear gold or pearls

- If you are a woman you must learn in silence and not have authority over a man

- It is better not to marry

- If you are a slave you must honour your master

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